Author Topic: Life goes on apparently, so I keep getting told  (Read 54 times)

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Offline Marinada

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Life goes on apparently, so I keep getting told
« on: September 13, 2019, 11:20:53 AM »
It's been 12 days now since my life became all that lonelier, confusing and overwhelming. The texts and calls have stopped. And I understand. Life goes on. But mine has stopped. I have spent the last week emptying out the home we shared because the council want it back and since only his name was on the tenancy, I've brought everything back to my house. It's OK, I talk to Les and ask him if he likes what I've done when I finish tidying up a corner or put his things out.
If someone else tells me "at least he's not in pain now" I will scream. I know he's not in pain, years of fibromyalgia, spinal surgery and the last 10 weeks of his life fighting against all odds. I know. I was there through it all, praying to God to spare him the pain, to heal him. Holding him and crying every time I was told he wouldn't survive, only for him to fight back. I know he's free now, he can go fishing, have a new allotment, sleep uninterrupted from pain. But that is for me to say. What do people think, that I don't know? I know they mean we'll, but I don't need to hear it. Like I'm being selfish for not wanting him to be free of pain because it would hurt me. I don't need to be told.
Every moment I miss him more. Checking in on each other by text or with a call. His smile when I arrived home, his eyes when he spoke to me. I didn't say I loved him enough. I didn't let him know in words how I felt enough. I hope he knows, I hope he feels my love.
I've reached a stage of constant anxiety. Anxiety because I've lost one of the earrings he gave me. Anxiety because there are moments I don't cry and I feel guilty, does it mean the hurt is getting less? Anxiety because I'm here and he isn't.
Yes, life goes on. But it's lonely, so lonely. I look away when I see couples, I can't bear it. I look down when I'm at work because I don't want to see anyone. Les and I often talked about how lovely it would be to live somewhere remote in Brittany, how I wish I had that now.
I hate that life goes on, I just want it to stop.

Offline Jill

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Re: Life goes on apparently, so I keep getting told
« Reply #1 on: September 13, 2019, 05:53:44 PM »
Hello Marinada,  I do sympathise with you.  I understand absolutely everything you are saying.  I lost my husband six weeks ago and words just can't express how much I miss him.  This is the most horrendous thing I have ever gone through in my life.  I hated seeing what he had to endure and he so didn't deserve any of it.  All you can do is try to get through one day at a time and take help and friendship from anyone who offers it.  I am also trying to sell the house as everything here reminds me of him and it is too painful, as you know only too well.  I do find talking to him helps though.  People here do give good advice as they have experienced similar feelings and you may find some comfort from their kindness.  We are all here to offer support and a listening ear.  Jill

Offline Marinada

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Re: Life goes on apparently, so I keep getting told
« Reply #2 on: September 14, 2019, 12:09:57 AM »
Hello Jill, thankyou for your reply. Yes, watching Les go through fight after fight was unbearable. Les had been in a wheelchair for the last five years, I was the fixer at home. I sorted obstacles and problems so that he could continue being as independent as possible. Not being able to 'fix' the complications he developed from a chest infection he had to endure, watch him overcome all odds, over and over again and not being able to take his pain away, was unbearable. It wasn't fair, he didn't deserve it. I will never forgive his GP, who neglectfully lead Les down the road that ultimately took his life. I understand so much when you say this is the most horrendous thing you have ever gone through. There are no words to describe it. Heart wrenching, physically agonising, words just can't reach the feelings that tumble in and out of my mind and my body. There are moments I feel like I'm falling into a black and terrifyingv abyss. And I call his name, to help me, beg him to help me stop this deep deep feeling of utter despair. Because I have to go on, I know that. If only to honour his memory, his hopes and plans, to make him proud of what I can do because of what he did for me, of what he taught me. But not now, not yet. Maybe in something small tomorrow.
This evening at work a customer wanted to make a complaint because he thought I was being rude. My manager put him in his place. My first thought was to call Les on my break to tell him. My second thought was that awful realisation that my partner in crime, my adviser, the one who listened patiently as I offloaded, he's not there. Not there. I can't call him. I can't see him. When I close my eyes tonight I will put my hand on his pillow and say good night, sleep well darling. I hope he can hear me.

Offline Jill

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Re: Life goes on apparently, so I keep getting told
« Reply #3 on: September 14, 2019, 12:37:55 PM »
Hi Marinada,  I don't know about life goes on, existence goes on but not life as we knew it.  After six weeks I can see glimpses of light at the end of the tunnel and a lot of other people have helped me.  I am sorry you have had to go back to work, that is very tough.  And people who don't know your situation won't be so kind to you unfortunately.  I still cry every day but I think that is only natural when you have lost the love of your life and seen him suffer.  I am trying very hard not to think about what he went through because I know he wouldn't want me dwelling on it.  He had no choice but to go but I should make the most of the life I have left, that's how I feel.  The only thing I would say is do talk to us here as we really understand what you are going through and you can say it all 'warts and all'.  You don't have to put a brave happy face on here, just tell it like it is.  I have heard a lot of things people have been saying to other people which have made a lot of sense.  Jill