Author Topic: New to the forum, overwhelmed with painful grief  (Read 178 times)

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Offline Marinada

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New to the forum, overwhelmed with painful grief
« on: September 02, 2019, 05:57:29 PM »
Hello there, I lost my soul mate yesterday. Just over 24 hours ago. The person who changed my life, who knew how to make me smile, who let me be myself. My rock, my everything. Negligence from a GP turned into an infection which after battling for 10 weeks, it took him. No more pain, no more wheelchair, or fatigue or depression. That is what I keep telling myself, over and over to cope with every second of overwhelming grief and darkness that envelops me.  I had a wonderful 10 years with him, now that time seems so short. I miss his eyes, his smell, his smile, his vulnerability which he allowed me to see and help him have a better day.  I can't breathe, my mind is numb, my heart feels as if it has stopped. We had each other, no one else. He was a loner but together we met the world and his disabilities head on as I held his hand. And now he's not here. The phone rings and I have this irrational thought that they've made a mistake, the hospital call to tell me he's OK. I lay in bed in a state of disbelief, it can't be possible. If I call him he'll answer. But no, because his phone is on his bedside table.  Where is he now? Is he watching me? Through the delirium and painkillers of the last few days, at the last minute he looked straight into my eyes, opened his mouth trying to say something and his eyes filled with tears. A few moments later his heart stopped. I need him here with me. I have lost part of me and I wish the time I have left went away quickly so I can hold his hand again. I'm lost, completely and utterly lost.

Offline Sandra61

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Re: New to the forum, overwhelmed with painful grief
« Reply #1 on: September 03, 2019, 08:48:20 AM »
Hello Marinada, welcome to this site. Sending you a welcome hug.  :hug: I am so sorry to hear about your husband. Your post strikes a chord with me, as my mother passed away after suffering a stroke that was also the result of a mistake on the part of the GPs. They prescribed a bad combination of medicines that reacted with one another causing the stroke, which the doctors did not realise would happen. On top of the grief, you have the additional pain of knowing that this might have been prevented had the mistake not been made, so I understand how this must be hurting you too.

This is a very difficult time for you and I am sure you must still be in shock. I think all you can do at this stage is try to get through one day at a time. Do try to eat and drink enough. I know you don't think about such basic things at such a time, but it is important to look after yourself at a time like this, as it is so easy to lose track of time and forget to.

It helped me to write down each day how I was feeling and what I was thinking and it did help get it out of my system, so you might try that. It also helped to put together an album of photos of my mother to look at when I needed to.

This is a terrible thing to try to come to terms with, but it does ease a little in time as you slowly come to accept what has happened. It's a long and bumpy road to walk, but you are not alone, Marinada. All of us here understand what you are feeling and I am sure you will get a lot of support here.

Thinking of you.  :hearts:

Offline Karena

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Re: New to the forum, overwhelmed with painful grief
« Reply #2 on: September 03, 2019, 10:48:44 AM »
 :hug: It is 8 years since my husband died and your post took me right back too those early days of shock and disbelief and fear and all the other things that this journey brings and reading it brought tears to me.
Sandra is right you get through one small step at a a time and some of those steps sometimes feel as though they are backwards ones. keeping a diary either here on the diaries page, or elsewhere does help because when you feel yourself falling back down into the abyss, looking back to a better day reminds you they can exist and looking back to the early ones you realise that even though you think you are not coping any better you see that you are.
But just the act of writing helps clear the fog in your head and if you are anything like me around people, is a way  to express emotions that you cant speak out loud to anyone.I found myself writing too him on here in letter form.

Finding this site made a big difference too me getting through, everyone here has lost some-one and every grief is different just as every relationship is there is no "proper" way to grieve, but there are common things we find ourselves experiencing and although we are at different parts of this rocky road people do understand and do want to hold you up when you stumble, and i have stayed so long.,even though i am coping fine now, because others before me did the same to try and help me.

Even though your post made me cry it is rare now,and even though i miss him and sometimes feel  lonely life has become worth living again and i do feel he is with me in some way pushing me forward but also moving with me, and in whatever way he is doing that,  even if it is just in my head and heart i have never said goodbye and i dont feel i have too -because anyone who touches our lives so deeply will always be part of who we are and who we become.

After he died, I could see no purpose to my life but knowing he fought for his and knowing the things he wanted from his life and the things he loved,  i decided my purpose would be to live life for him - and if that moment comes when i can hold his hand again, i can share that with him. if it doesnt then he will have still been instrumental in giving me that purpose just as he did in life.
My own belief is that  he is always around me and already shares in the things i do.

The acute and all consuming pain you feel now will get better but you have to be kind too yourself and you have to be patient with yourself and doing that is by no means easy - the one thing i can promise is that in time you can find a strength inside and get through this and when you do you will find he remains in some way whatever your beliefs are, not the part of you that you feel now is forever lost, but a part of you that has changed and shifted, but remains very much a key person in shaping your life.

Offline Marinada

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Re: New to the forum, overwhelmed with painful grief
« Reply #3 on: September 03, 2019, 03:47:31 PM »
Hello Sandra and Karena, thank you for your replies.  Im sure you've been told many times before, but I appreciate the support so much.  I feel like there are people out there helping me to stand up.
When i was walking the dog today, I kept talking to Les.  All the silly things we used to talk about, the silly things the dog did on his walks, seeing a butterfly, all the blackberries on the bushes.  I don't particularly care if people thought I was odd, it gave me comfort.  And the suggestion about writing a diary for him - and for me - something I will do and cherish doing I think.  I write children's stories.  The last story Les never got to read, so from day one in the hospital I read him the draft.  I hope he liked it, even though the first few weeks he was either in a medically induced coma or taking his own time to wake up from it. 

Tomorrow I go and say one last goodbye to his physical being at the chapel of rest in the hospital, pick up the certificate from the bereavement office, go straight to the registrars.  Today I have made arrangements for his cremation.  When I put the phone down to the funeral home, I collapsed and sobbed.  When the hospital called to arrange a visiting time, for a fraction of a second the thought that screamed out in my mind was that the hospital had made some sort of terrible mistake and he was awake.  Then I remember he left this world in my arms.  I just want him home.  Tuesdays he cooked.  I can't bear to go into the kitchen.  But in my mind, heart and soul, I hope that once we have gone through the next couple of weeks, have his ashes with me, it will be somewhat more bearable.  Somewhat.  I don't want to be having to bear anything, I just want him home.  I know he is in no pain any longer, no fatigue, no wheelchair, no depression, no erratic sleep patterns.  He is free and pain free.  Very selfishly, that doesn't make it feel any easier for me.  I feel selfish today, for wanting him to be here with me, rather than somewhere where he can walk again and enjoy a good night sleep.  i want to hear his voice, they way he called me sweetie, giggle at my innocent remarks about things.  Hearing him say good night sweetie.  Hearing him snore and nudge him.  His annoyance when Arsenal played badly.  i don't want to forget a single sound, and I keep replaying it over and over in my head. 

Thank you for this support group, i don't think i would have made it without finding this group, even though it is only my second day here.  As that thick black, cold cloud around me feels like something that one day i may be able to break through, i send everyone on this forum a lot of love and hope.

God bless you all.  :hug:

Offline Karena

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Re: New to the forum, overwhelmed with painful grief
« Reply #4 on: September 04, 2019, 11:06:33 AM »
 :hug:of coures it isnt selfish -the pain for him has gone but yours hasnt - and the way you cared for him wasn,t the act of some-one who is selfish  you put your life and your feelings on hold and all your physical and emotional strength is devoted too that care,and that comes from a love that is never selfish.
Again that thought that it was all a mistake even though you were there at the time is something i recognise as what happened to me too.
I also had a dog back then and he really kept me going -they still need your time and attention, you still have to get up and take them out at a time when all you might really feel like doing is hiding away, and with mine because Keith was at home with him all the time Ben was more his dog than mine so he was lost and confused as well.

AS for people questioning your sanity - i talked a lot to Keith sometimes i still do and i am not really bothered if people want to judge, but i think maybe a lot of the time they can be so wrapped up in their world they dont notice and if they do they assume you are talking to the dog or on a hands free phone or something. Either way it really doesnt matter.

You wont forget any of those things about him and i know it is a fear people have but you dont forget , i call myself  silly smurf sometimes if i do a daft thing because thats what he called me - i tell him dont you dare laugh at me when i know he would have, ask him where i put a screwdriver or where he put the scissors or why am i standing staring into the fridge what was i suposed to be doing -knowing he would have laughed. Every time i go off in the campervan i tell him where we are going, i once told him off because i found a shortcut that i knew he should have known the last time we went to that place but hadnt told me about - when i cant be bothered to get the stepladder and fall off a rickety chair i just say - yes i know i should have got the laddder as if he had said it - i havnt forgetton anything about him, and so often it is those little things which we hold on too as being a part of our lives together that were just normal everyday things at the time.

I think in talking to him about the things you see on your walk you are actually creating a way to help yourself and for him to help you -i decided i would give myself a goal of finding five good things every day and then recalling them at the end of the day -and of course they wouldnt be massively obviously cheerful things or i wouldnt have found them, and there were days i didnt see any  - but maybe a butterfly, or a bird song, a smile from a stranger, something overheard , autumn leaves. an angel shaped cloud - But in order to do that i needed to look for those things and in looking for them i found more of them and each one became a reason to struggle through, and they also inspired poems - a random single roadside snowdrop that had been squashed and battered down but was still just about standing became synonemous with myself, a curlews lonely cry became mine - as a writer you will already know that observation of the small things can be inspiration for a story and i think they can be inspiration to help get through this as well.