Author Topic: Having a horrible dreams  (Read 884 times)

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Offline Amy

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Having a horrible dreams
« on: October 02, 2019, 12:17:00 AM »
Hi all
I lost my lovely mom this February to cancer. She struggled a lot and she doesnít want to live anymore at the last 3 months. Few hours after she passed away her face changed to very calm and she looked beautiful without any pain. I wanted to remember that face but all I could remember was her struggles and the face with lots of pain.

I wanted to feel better for her but it was very hard. Every single things remind me of her. I didnít even cry much after she passed away. She always tell me that parents needs to raise the children independently so that they wonít miss them when they passed away. So I wanted to be strong for her and my dad. After a lot of sleepless and crying nights I started to feel bit better over a month ago.

Then the dreams started. My grandparents (momís parents) came to dream and told me that it would have been nice if your mom can join us here. It was supposed to be a family holiday but all I say was my deceased relatives from my momís side so I was very upset. I thought maybe my mom might be spending time with her parents.
Second dream came last week and in that one my aunt whoís still alive is telling me that my mom has been brutally murdered but I didnít even reacted in the dream. I just said ok and thatís it. I donít know why she told me sheís brutally murdered and why I didnít react? And whatís the meaning behind these dreams.
I am constantly thinking about it and loosing my mind over it. I donít know what to do?

Offline Sandra61

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Re: Having a horrible dreams
« Reply #1 on: October 02, 2019, 10:43:39 AM »
Hello Amy,

I'm sorry to hear about your mum and about the upsetting dreams you have been having. I am no dream expert, but to me, it sounds like subconsciously, you are still upset that your mum suffered such a lot before she died and the second dream is just you thinking about that when you are asleep, but not reacting because you already know she is gone, so have got past the stage of a hysterical reaction.

The first dream sounds like you are just missing her. Much as your mum may have hoped raising you to be independent would mean you would not miss your parents after they were gone, that cannot really ever be the case. Of course she didn't want to think of you being upset that your mum and dad were gone, but the truth is we will always miss our mum and dad. They were the biggest presence in our lives whilst we were growing up and we are always going to miss them. I found this site after my mum died two years ago and I can not yet say I have recovered from that. My dad died in 1985 and I still miss him and think of him every day. I still talk to their pictures at home too! You come to accept that they are gone, but I don't think you ever stop missing them.

Your loss of your lovely mum is still very recent and even if you think you have started to feel better, it only takes something small to upset you again and that's how grief is. It is a roller coaster ride with ups and downs and upsets and then a few better days or weeks, then you get upset again. It takes a long time to recover from it, because it changes your world and changes you and that all takes a long time to adjust to. Just work at it one day at a time.

You say you still dwell on the days when your mum was still suffering and can see only that face and not the peaceful one she had after. That is normal for all of us. Your mind does tend to dwell on those horrible last days and weeks and months, but what you have to remember is that that period was only a short one in comparison to the majority of her life and it is her whole life that counts, not just the end of it. Try putting some pictures of her around from happier days. That helped me and revisit some of the places you spent happier times with her in. That helped me too. It was sad to be there without my mum, but it did help me remember the happy times we had spent there together.

As for the bad dreams, that sounds like you are still just upset and your mind plays on that when you are asleep. I've had a few bad dreams too, but that is all they are, just dreams. Pay them no heed. I suspect they are just you dwelling on your grief and worrying about your mum and where she is now and how she is doing when your mind is allowed to follow its own course, which is does when you are asleep. I think this will get better, Amy, but I think that will take time and a bit of effort on your part to redirect your thoughts and accept that she is gone and that there is nothing more you can do for her now and you just have to remember  that she is no longer suffering and instead hope and believe that she is in a better place, reunited with those she loved and lost, as we all hope for our lost loved ones.

Sending you a big hug, Amy. Stop dwelling on the horrible dreams!  :hug: :hearts:

Offline Karena

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Re: Having a horrible dreams
« Reply #2 on: October 02, 2019, 12:19:05 PM »
Hi Amy - i think dreams are most often a way our brain processes things in an attempt to file them - if you like imagine your brain is a compter and all the files you have left open during the day belong in folders the computer is trying to put them in the right folder and because your mum is the biggest file open  it  centres around that file a lot -so relations both those living and dead come into your mind -and with the other it could well be you have read something or seen something on the news or in tv series maybe without really taking any notice of it about a murder and the filing system has put things together while processing it to create a story.You are thinking about your mum a lot and that subconscious other thing - a murder has got mixed in -your lack of reaction in the dream could simply have been a protection mechanism because you also knew in your waking hours it wasnt the case.
I am not saying that all dreams are entirely cognative reactions i have had a few that i am sure are not that but something deeper - but i do think most are and particularly during a time you are still processing your loss - it might not feel like it should be the case as she died in february, but it is early days and although you wont always feel like this  - it is a massive loss even when you expect it and even when you know they are no longer in pain  the foundations that have always underpinned your life have shifted and turned to sand   -my mum died in 2004 and i still find myself wondering about things and missing her keenly from time to time  so many years later.   :hug: