Author Topic: PMA  (Read 217 times)

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Offline Panda

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PMA
« on: August 11, 2019, 09:54:06 AM »
Positive Mental Attitude. I do try. It's not easy to to have a positive mental attitude when you feel like someone is tearing your insides out.

Yesterday was my daughters birthday. We had a surprise meal for her, went bowling and finished the day with prosecco and birthday cake.
The perfect day in the general run of things. I even manage to laugh until I cried when my bowling ball flew off backwards...no-one was hurt, just my pride.

It's when I got home. I've been alone nearly three years now. You'd think I'd be used to an empty house. No-one to tell my tales to. Just silence. I miss him so much.

Then I remembered my PMA. It's MY choice to be alone. I have friends and a supportive family. So I sat and had a cry, and then rang a friend told them about my day, asked about theirs -which hadn't been nearly as nice as mine- and felt a lot better.

I know the pain will never leave me but I don't need to wallow in self pity, I have options. There will be days like tomorrow, his birthday, when I'll try to be positive for my families sake, I know I'll crumple. Now I know it's ok because I can tell you all about it and that there are people out there that understand.

So I'll continue to live one day at a time and practice PMA.

Offline Sandra61

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Re: PMA
« Reply #1 on: August 11, 2019, 12:15:32 PM »
Good for you, Panda! Life can still be good after one of the worst things to happen to us has happened.

I think what a lot of us struggle with is the experience of being able to be happy and sad at the same time, and feel guilty if we have any experience of being happy when we think we are not entitled to feel that way anymore because someone we loved is gone, but I think we owe it to them to try to be happy, at least some of the time, because that is what they would want for us and if there is an afterlife, we will have something to tell them about when we meet up again!

I'm really glad to read your post. It shows so well, how we can spend time well and enjoy it, despite the grief within. We all need PMA! Well done!

Offline The Laird

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Re: PMA
« Reply #2 on: August 11, 2019, 09:21:54 PM »
I can relate to some of your comments above Panda, I have been trying this PMA for the last 18 months and I can only live a lie for so long when i come back to reality and the reality is my wife has gone and she is never going to be here again however many times i drive u the farm track hoping to see her looking out the window, i have even waved to see if i get a reaction but nope the house is like a morgue so i stick some music on loud to drown the silence. I try and get out and about and take Rory (my dog) up into the mountains or to the beach and see couple strolling along holding hands never thought that sight would crucify me so much such a simple thing but means the world to ya. I sit with Rory gazing at the beautiful views and love to see the Deer running or Salmon leaping out of the river and before Ruth would be there watching with us so like a fool I tell Rory we will tell Mom what we saw today and carry on, I think i am getting funny looks off people as i sit there but i guess its the lack of confidence playing tricks on me.....so we head off home and back to isolation in a big empty shell of a house......its too big for us but i could never sell the place as its home to my wild pets and if by any miracle Ruth decides to come and visit me....i am not religious but I pray she will even for a few minutes so i can say goodbye to her yet if i did i would die too....which might not be such a bad thing. My main problem is too many unanswered questions and i know i will never get them so the thought of going for the rest of my days wondering might just finish me off early. In my family there is an hereditary health problem with all the male's dying before they were 40 and I have this too but I am 57 and its been a sort of joke between me and Ruth how i was past my sell by date but now I feel its typical of my luck to be the one who lives the longest......it would be different if she was still here with us but i can honestly say I wouldn't be bothered if i didn't wake up tomorrow.
I feel so isolated here.....my quack just tells me to man up and keep busy, I do keep busy so busy I only sleep two hours a night. I guess I will have to try harder with this PMA but when you sit talking to no'one and getting no reply its pretty hard. Well done Panda with your journey it does help to read about others making some headway and and would have loved to see the bowling ball incident it reminds me of the time when i was a kid having a go at Bowls in the school holidays and the guy in charge was telling us how to play and he said you have to get your bowl as close to the Jack as possible......so without any thought i threw my bowl at the jack and missed it but put a dent in the lovely lawn lol  that was the end of my bowling career lol

Offline Karena

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Re: PMA
« Reply #3 on: August 12, 2019, 11:37:44 AM »
I found friday nights were worst for a long time - even more so because it used to be such a good night - and i would be rushing off - looking forward to the weekend ahead  and suddenly i was the last to leave work and jealous  because every one else was going home too their familly and had all sorts planned.
 Apart from the odd weekend camping, The empty house was going remain  all weekend not just an evening i could pass with tv and reading, and i might not speak too anyone again until monday except the dog and the fish (yep i even talk to goldfish) The dog then also died which made it even worse - i had no reason to go out of the door if it wasnt to take the dog for a walk - so i tried to make friday a treat night - nothing major just a chocolate bar or a candlelit bath or a film and it did help to take the sting out a bit.I did have to move quite early on because i just couldnt afford to stay where i was but after his first stroke we had decided we needed to move anyway,  so in my head it was easier - he would know where to look for me.I am now considering another move - but as i am sure he is with me in some way it wont be a problem.
 
 8 years on i can fill the weekend, for some reason, probably also the presence of wildlife, i dont feel so lonely in the garden and its a big one that needs lots of work. - I did some free online courses, and i have got used too it but i still find i am the last out of the door at work on a friday night, and it isnt because i have suddenly found a love of my job, :rofl: -

That doesnt mean my life isnt positive and i havnt done anything, i have travelled quite a bit and done some volunteer stuff ,but its still always coming back too an empty house -when it creeps back, and the thing is it isnt just an empty house -i had a friend lodging for a while, while their place was finished and it made no difference  - its a house without him in it.
 I watch a lot of tv - but actually i dont watch its just on for background noise most of the time and only a few programmes get my attention - but I have just learned to live with it and accept that it will always be the same but that doesnt mean life isnt worth living because it is, and if we live it, in a way where we try to be the eyes of our loved ones on the world as well as ourselves then thats the best we can do.

Offline Emz2014

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Re: PMA
« Reply #4 on: August 12, 2019, 06:24:01 PM »
Being able to feel your emotions and then reach out to a friend is such a good way of coping.  Its natural to be up and down, but its good to have various things you can do to help support you on the downs  :hug:

This forum can indeed be a form of support like that, somewhere we can write about how we are doing, or just about our day

The lack of sleep is definitely going to make your jouney feel harder Brian  :cry:  we underestimate how much sleep helps us, with repairing our bodies, memories and giving energy for resilience.  It is such a shame that you have such an antiquated GP. The phrase 'man up' doesnt have a place in our language nowadays.  Alot of our journey is discovering coping techniques which ease our journey - we will always miss them but it is possible for the pain to become gentler

Sending big hugs to all  :hug:
Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise. 
Hold on in there xx

Offline Panda

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Re: PMA, take a deep breath and start again!
« Reply #5 on: August 12, 2019, 09:18:29 PM »
As I predicted I crumpled.

I've had a lovely day with my family and my husbands mother, as we remembered my husbands birthday.
I'd written  stories for each of the grandchildren, with hidden messages and morals. I spent weeks preparing these and loved doing them.
We all had a nice lunch overlooking the river.

Then I came home and dwelled!
Then I got angry and took it out on the bushes in my garden. Oh crumbs! Where will the birds land tomorrow?

I guess a bit of anger isn't a bad thing, especially if it gets the gardening done.

My sense of humor is now restored and PMA is back.

Thank you for listening.

Tomorrow's another day! (I'm taking my grandson out to lunch and to buy a new cycle helmet...but don't tell him, it's a secret.)

Offline Karena

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Re: PMA
« Reply #6 on: August 13, 2019, 10:13:50 AM »
Nothing wrong with crumpling - its natural to do it and this is very much a journey of falling back into the hole then climbing out again -but the more times you do it the stronger uyou get and the climb becomes that little bit easier.My husbands birthday was in october and i spent it planting native daffodill bulbs. After his first stroke he had asked every day if the daffodills were out yet and eveyday i had walked across the rockery to see - but he died before they came out - and i had to move house, so it seemed like it was a logical thing to do - to use his birthday to do something positive as a tribute - rather than pretend to ignore the day and also gave me somewhere to go on the anniversary of his death to see how they were doing.

Anger took a lot longer. i tend to internalise anger in a very negative way -having moved and then dedicated all my spare time to restoring the garden and trying to create a smaller version of our old one - i think some of  the anger energy went into pond digging without me recognising it as anger - because it was also funny - as my prolific pond creation had been a long standing joke between us -but then just a couple of years ago my lovely neighbour moved out i got new second home neighbours and they wanted to build an extension. They chopped the top of a tree to get past the environment part - no tree no nesting birds, which annoyed me to start with, - but the plans went through and  that entailed taking down the wall and accessing my garden - some-one trod down my plants - and i was so mad i took off at a pace up the hill behind and discovered at some point you become too exhausted to be angry any more - then they chopped an elder tree to the ground - same again - then they put their extractor fan in and facing the bench i used to sit on - same again - finally when he sent the mrs round to ask me to remove the elder tree entirely ( 100 year old elder ) because it would be cheaper for them to remove the roots than build their new floor over them,  i got the guts to say no -(politely).
Happilly the tree has come back now, but they will never know their part in me discovering i was capable of anger like that, they also probably think i,m some kind of mad woman stomping up hills and swearing under my breath, but the tree is staying as long as i do - it has become my symbol of a new, much more assertive me.

Offline Panda

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Re: PMA
« Reply #7 on: August 13, 2019, 04:22:18 PM »
Thank you for your surport

I'm very lucky with my current  neighbours but we did used to live next to the wicked witch from the west,so you have my deepest sympathy. 

Ive been practicing your playing card idea and, so far it is helping. I have a pile of family photos of happy times. I put a new one on top each day so that when I wake I see that and not the final face of my husband.

It's not often I get angry, the birds will be pleased to hear!  Lol.

Today's a good day. I've had to breath deeply on a couple of occasions but generally today is a good day.

(I still can't work the emojis   :rofl:. )

Offline Jill

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Re: PMA
« Reply #8 on: August 20, 2019, 08:26:54 PM »
Although I find it much harder than I let on to people, except my buddies on here who understand, I am getting support where I wouldn't really have expected it.  My husband's grown up children have been e-mailing me practically every day with little messages and asking how I am getting on, even though it is obviously their loss as much as mine.  Isn't that lovely that they would do that? I hope we are all able to help each other but they have certainly helped me.  When you are in a lonely house and you find messages on your little lap-top it means so much, especially in the evening when you have stopped doing other things to take your mind off everything.  I thought it would be nice to add another positive message as I am in that frame of mind for once!!