Author Topic: SAY YOU UNDERSTAND  (Read 85 times)

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Offline Jill

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SAY YOU UNDERSTAND
« on: August 15, 2019, 07:34:03 PM »
Hello, my name is Jill.  I have very recently lost my husband.  I am living in France and hoping to get back to live in England.  I feel very very isolated and alone.

Offline Emz2014

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Re: SAY YOU UNDERSTAND
« Reply #1 on: August 15, 2019, 08:15:48 PM »
Sending you a welcome hug Jill  :hug:
Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise. 
Hold on in there xx

Offline Karena

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Re: SAY YOU UNDERSTAND
« Reply #2 on: August 16, 2019, 10:26:47 AM »
Hi Jill
My husband died in 2011, I know how lonely and isolated that can be and i had to move house as well so didnt have people around who might have been a support, although at least i still had my job and my dog, so some kind of routine.
For you being in France is bound to make what is already a rough journey even worse if the rest of your family/friends are in England.
Finding this site did help, even though we are not physically present we are all on this journey at different stages none of us signed up for it and everyone here has that in common so distance doesnt really matter here and we do understand.  :hug:

Offline Jill

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Re: SAY YOU UNDERSTAND
« Reply #3 on: August 16, 2019, 07:53:52 PM »
Thank you Karena and Emz for your messages.  My sisters are about to come out for the weekend so that has really given me something to focus on and plan for.  It really really means a lot to me.  I am finding this forum helps, just because other people know what this terrible pain feels like and they are somehow getting through it, living with it.  I just heard one lady say that she keeps expecting to tell her husband everything and then he isn't there any more.  We used to watch football and cricket together and just now I can't bear to see anything about football or cricket, even though it gave us so much pleasure before.  I feel as if I am drowning and nobody can rescue me.

Offline Sandra61

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Re: SAY YOU UNDERSTAND
« Reply #4 on: August 17, 2019, 10:24:17 AM »
Hello Jill, so sorry to hear about your husband. Sending you a hug.  :hug:

I think many of us experience what you describe. I couldn't watch certain shows on TV that my mum loved for a long time and I recall watching an episode of a comedy she liked some months after she died and having the weird sensation of my mind finding it funny, but sitting there crying whilst I watched it, because my mum could not be there to enjoy it too. So I think we all go through that in some way or other.

I am glad your sisters are coming out to see you. That should help a little whilst they are there. However, as Karena says, it does also make you feel less isolated to speak to people here as we all understand what you are going through and that in itself, reduces that feeling of isolation and gives you someone to talk to safely about it. So often, people you speak to in person, don't know what to say or brush it off because they are embarrassed or don't know how to help. Here, at least no one will do that and you can say whatever you feel and someone will be able to respond with some good advice or sympathy.

I hope you manage to move back to England. Wishing you well. We are here for as long as you need us.  :hearts:

Offline Emz2014

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Re: SAY YOU UNDERSTAND
« Reply #5 on: August 19, 2019, 07:06:57 PM »
I think thats a very common feeling - turning to someone to share our news.  I still feel that sometimes now, 6 years down the line. You could try doing a journal, writing down all the things you would have talked about.  Or if you wanted could have a thread on here that you add to daily, people have done that in the past and have found it has helped
Or make a special place, in the garden or visiting a special place where you could go and say or think your news.  I find visiting my dads plaque soothing, even though I know he's not physically at that spot - just feels like a bit of a meeting place :hug:
Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise. 
Hold on in there xx

Offline Karena

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Re: SAY YOU UNDERSTAND
« Reply #6 on: August 20, 2019, 12:28:25 PM »
 :hug:I still talk to my husband and i still tell him everything - not always aloud but certainly in my head, i also ask him for answers - what would he do, how would he fix this what would he say in something which is a present issue.
At first i would automaticalyl make two mugs of coffee then stand there crying looking at the second one, even now that can happen occasionally, -but  i dont cry over it now, just laugh at myself as i know he would laugh at me, and tell him i must be getting senile and move on from it.That switch to being able to do that is a gradual process though.And the thing is i could never guarantee something wont make me cry because of the unexpectedness of some triggers.

 I also switched from watching anything we used to watch on TV together for a while.
One thing that really got to me was a stroke warning advert -  it kept repeating over and over and every time it did i blamed myself for not knowing what was going on.
In reality he didnt have single one of those signs they mentioned, he had a migraine, he often got them but there was nothing to indicate this one was different .
The logical brain knows that is what happened, but at the time those adverts really messed with my mind i had nightmares about me watching but ignoring flames coming from his face. i stopped watching anything but BBC for almost 2 years just because of those adverts.

And then there was music - we had Adelle can you feel my love at the funeral - it wasnt in the charts it wasnt that likely to get played on the radio  i was going to carefully store that CD with any others that might make me cry out of the way so i wouldnt play it so it was safe - but at the time there was another Adele song in the charts - a more jolly one, no impilcations in the Lyrics - and now i can listen to can you feel my love - but the other one does appear on the radio and has me switching off or leaving the room.

It isnt always negative though - We used to be in a camping club and every year had a mad themed pre  xmas party with karaoke,at one of the sites - so i tried to keep going to the meets, and the following xmas the theme was  musicals - we loved musicals so this wasnt going to be easy i thought, so best to chose one we didnt go and see  - so i made myself a costume like rafiki from the lion king - funny you would think a monkey singing  what could go wrong - but  the circle of life was the only song i could actually sing properly even down to the Swahili at the beginning  - so i chose that, i practiced it plenty of times - there wasnt a problem until half way through on the night when i suddenly was aware of standing doing it on my own where in previous years he was next to me , and of the words i was actually singing - and then i struggled to carry on through tears.
But a little girl of about ten stood up came over and started singing it with me - and then a couple of friends realised i was struggling and did the same and others joined in who were from the venue not people we knew, and who didnt really know the back story at all  - and now that song always reminds me of that support i got from those people, - the kindness of strangers as well as friends - and in particular the perception and bravery of that little girl to kick start it. ( i also still blub but more because of the moment than the reasons i started crying at the time)

IT is a horrible journey and has moments of complete despair but also moments when you realise you can keep battling on - even though things will never be the same or what you planned and hoped for,and grief isnt something we lose but learn to live with and accept is part of us.
There ar triggers we predict - anniversarys, certain songs etc, but also odd moments completly out of the blue when we become emotional but most importantlyto realise that it is ok to be the person we have become and it is ok to have those moments, whenever and however much later they happen.  :hug:




Offline Jill

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Re: SAY YOU UNDERSTAND
« Reply #7 on: August 21, 2019, 12:17:37 AM »
Thanks Sandra and thanks again to Emz and Karena for your very helpful words.  I had a lovely weekend with my sisters and it really helped.  I also sat and watched a comedy programme in tears, the idea was to cheer myself up.  That didn't work.  I realise I will always miss my husband being here.  Jill

Offline Emz2014

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Re: SAY YOU UNDERSTAND
« Reply #8 on: August 21, 2019, 08:25:21 AM »
You will always miss him but the pain will become easier to cope. Its a gradual journey  :hug:
Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise. 
Hold on in there xx