Author Topic: Alone  (Read 69 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

Offline sebarino9352

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 2
  • Karma: +0/-0
Alone
« on: August 11, 2019, 02:50:09 AM »
Hi, I lost my partner over just two years ago to breast cancer and am finding it really difficult to move forward.. I have had counselling via Cruse.. but still find the loneliness and sadness over whelms me at times..  I live in the North East of England and feel so isolated ..trying not to drink to much etc.. am just wondering if thier is any support groups around the Gateshead / Newcastle area .. could do with a friend/s  who understand the pain and hopelessness I am going through.. I was with my partner Alison for 25 yrs..She had Breast Cancer 3 times in four years.. and I found her body..after a night shift... the sadness tears me up inside ..I wish had been me not her..I never got to say goodbye.. just trying to keep living and carrying on.. I hope this group will help/.... Thanks Seb :candle:
« Last Edit: August 11, 2019, 02:59:16 AM by sebarino9352 »

Offline Sandra61

  • Global Moderator
  • VIP Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 289
  • Karma: +40/-0
Re: Alone
« Reply #1 on: August 11, 2019, 12:04:54 PM »
I'm so sorry Seb.  :hug: I hope you find some comfort and understanding amongst our members here.

There is no time limit to grief, so I am not surprised you are still struggling with it two years on. I lost my dad in 1985, but like you, just went into the bedroom to find him lying on the bed. He had gone in to get ready for bed, but collapsed and died in an instant. It is a shock that you never forget and a memory that will always be hard.

I don't live in your area, but an internet search led me to this page: http://www.ourgateshead.org/bereavement-support-drop-st-nicholas-church-hall
It seems there is a support group at St Nicolas Church, Gateshead that meets every monday from 10.30 till 12.00  at St Nicholas church hall in Dunstan. Could you perhaps go to that one? It sounds like it might be useful for you.

The other thing that I think might be worth exploring with your GP is whether you may be suffering from 'complicated grief'? You can google this to find out more about it, but I am wondering if this may be something you need to consider too.

I don't think it is surprising that after having spent so many years with someone, that having lost her is still so painful for you. But what I have found is that you need to combat grief in some active way and try to rebuild your life and move forward into a new future yourself. For me, I could not let go of the people I have lost completely, as society somehow expects to be possible, so I took up a class in a subject that myself and my mother, who I lost two years ago, also had an interest in and that helped me. It gave me a break from my grief - in a way - for an hour or two once a week, as it got me out of the house and meant I had to think about something else during that time and that helped. I also made some new friends there and that has been helpful too. Is there something you and your partner both took an interest in that you could take up and carry on with for you both?

The other thing I found useful was to revisit places we had gone to together and that helped bring back some of the good memories again. Other people have carried out plans they had with the person they have lost for them both and have found that a help too. I do think you have to get out of the house and do something else to help relieve your situation. Grief drags you down and you can't cope with it without something good to balance it up with, otherwise the misery is relentless and very hard to bear.

However much you miss your partner though, Seb, you are lucky because you still have your life and I am sure your partner would want you to make the rest of it as good as it can be. If she were still with you, I am sure you would be looking to enjoy your lives together as much as you could, so now you just have to try to find a way to do that for both of you. It can be done and you shared so many years of it with her that she will never be entirely gone from you, as your life is the way it is, largely due to the influence of the years you spent together and having known her have had on you, so you carry those memories forward into your future and they will always be something you will treasure.

They say 'life goes on' and so it does, but it is a hard road to walk and what we make of it is up to us, so you have to find things that work for you and try to move your life forward as positively as you can, in tribute to the legacy of the years you spent with your partner, who would still want the best for you now.

Sending you a hug, Seb. Good luck!  :hug:

Offline sebarino9352

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 2
  • Karma: +0/-0
Re: Alone
« Reply #2 on: August 11, 2019, 06:05:19 PM »
Hello, thank you for your reply.. I didnt realise they have that group nearby to me..Will look into it. I have done a few things like visited places we wanted to go to and I am trying my hardest to keep going. Just difficult at times to get peoples understanding and its the hurtful comments you can get ..like "get over it" and "we have all lost someone".. You know just a struggle at times, people are so nasty and uncaring these days its not easy is it.. Rejoining the gym and trying to get out and about more when am not working..    Thanks so much for your reply.. Seb
 

Offline Sandra61

  • Global Moderator
  • VIP Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 289
  • Karma: +40/-0
Re: Alone
« Reply #3 on: August 12, 2019, 10:48:31 AM »
Good for you, Seb! I'm glad you are making an effort to get out and find things to do. It will help to do that.

Pay no heed to the people who tell you to 'get over it' or chant the 'we have all lost someone' mantra at you! Chances are they simply have never yet lost anyone close to them to be able to know how that feels.

You are not alone in feeling as you do after two years. Two years is not so very long in terms of dealing with loss and a lot of people are still struggling after many more years than that and report having the same sorts of things said to them too.

There are no rules to grieving. I suspect most of us grieve in some way or other for the rest of our lives. I lost my dad more than 30 years ago, but I still miss him and think of him every day! You just have to learn to live with it, because you don't have a choice, but it will always hurt. We just have to accept that we can still hurt, yet get on with our lives and enjoy them as best we can despite the pain. It is possible to be sad and still enjoy life as well. In fact, I think you need to find ways to enjoy your life when you have grief to contend with as well. You need something to counterbalance the sadness and keep it in perspective.

I hope you manage to go along to the bereavement support group and that it helps.

Keep going, Seb. And keep talking to us here. Talking helps too and you won't find anyone here who thinks you should be 'over it' by now! Promise!  :hearts: