Author Topic: Year 3  (Read 90 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

Offline Lost675

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • Posts: 39
  • Karma: +3/-0
Year 3
« on: August 03, 2019, 01:16:48 AM »
I find myself here after many months. I've not posted for so long and I thought I was doing well. I've moved area to be nearer friends and family. I have a good social life and my friends have looked out for me well, life is generally good. So why am I back here? I remember reading posts here in the early days that said the second year was harder than the first and thinking 'how can that be'. So, here I am in second year and it's tough. People and life have moved on, Paul's death is old news. I get it for others I really do but for me I feel like I've been hit by a truck  almost out the blue and it hurts like hell so any advice about how to get through this next phase I'd be really grateful for.

Offline Emz2014

  • Administrator
  • VIP Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1714
  • Karma: +125/-0
Re: Year 3
« Reply #1 on: August 03, 2019, 08:44:32 AM »
It certainly is a hard period. I guess people unknowingly or knowingly feel that once you have passed all the firsts in the first year, all must be ok again. They have been taken up with their lives again too

Personally I did alot of reading/exploring to try and make sense of things/life, so read quite alot of philosophy, religion, spiritual etc.  It did help me to piece together my own belief system (taking the bits that resonated with me)

I also started thinking about things which were no longer fulfilling (my work had lost its meaning) and worked out how to add more purpose too, which gave me a focus and goals.  That helped alot on the journey

And continue to reach out for support from those who understand xx
Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise. 
Hold on in there xx

Offline Sandra61

  • Global Moderator
  • VIP Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 289
  • Karma: +40/-0
Re: Year 3
« Reply #2 on: August 04, 2019, 12:27:11 AM »
Well, I'm still in year 2 after losing my mum, but what I have learned this time round is that it is easy to think you are doing ok and things are getting better, but you are not always right. It only takes one little event to make you feel irritated with life and impatient with people in a way that you would not have been before your loss and to be easily upset by things and made to feel very insecure and unstable again.

I think some of that stems from not having the person you have lost to talk to about whatever it is that is going on that has upset you and that just emphasizes the fact that they are not here further and that just upsets you more and makes you even more unhappy, so it's a hard thing to cope with. I just go from day to day and do my best to cope.

As Emz says, you do find yourself reassessing your priorities and I found it useful to work out a plan to guide me forward and hopefully cope better with the future on a practical level, but, like Emz, I find my work to be something I don't feel the same about in light of that and am currently reassessing that part of my life. I feel a lot of frustration about the on-going red tape I am having to deal with which also doesn't help, but not everyone gets caught up in that, so hopefully, that isn't a problem for you.

It sounds like you have done well with sorting out the practical things, moving, seeing friends etc., but you are right, people do see loss, even after such a short time as 'old news' and expect you to be 'over it' by now. I find that too. The truth though, as you say, is that you are not and if you have never experienced loss personally, I don't think you can understand that, so that's probably what's going on there. Also, people just don't know what to say, so we protect them from having to try by painting on a smile and pretending we are ok when we are not, so that the other person doesn't have to be embarrassed by floundering for the right way to react to that. But that leaves us struggling with it on our own, which doesn't help us. Thank goodness we can at least talk to others who understand here.

In terms of coping with the person you have lost being gone, that continues to be an up and down thing. Some days are okish, others are still liable to get me down a lot. I still miss my mum terribly and for some reason, have found myself dwelling a little on the harder memories of the last few years of her life lately. I wasn't doing that so much up to now apart from in the early months after losing her. Perhaps that has to do with your mood and whatever else is going on in your life too. Whatever the cause, all you can do is return to your strategies that help and keep using them to try to feel better and keep going, one day at a time.

Grief is uncharted territory for us all and we just have to navigate it as best we can. Try to stay strong and keep going. We know by now that even if we have a really bad period, we will also have better days again too. It's an unpredictable journey and I think things just do knock you back unexpectedly from time to time and that's just part of it. Keep going. Sending you an understanding hug.  :hug:
« Last Edit: August 04, 2019, 12:38:56 AM by Sandra61 »

Offline Lost675

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • Posts: 39
  • Karma: +3/-0
Re: Year 3
« Reply #3 on: August 04, 2019, 08:49:01 AM »
Thank you so much for your replies, both of which make total sense. Over this past year my job has become very unfulfilling, I think I need to put my energy into finding something else. I have to keep busy which is a struggle as work has been so quiet in recent months- I think I have too much thinking time. I can generally keep a lid on my grief but find myself bubbling over more often lately, I am getting cross that people have 'forgotten' and moved on. Most people (apart from my best friend, who has been wonderful) change the subject or just ignore a comment if I mention my husband and I just feel that's so hurtful. Thank goodness we have this site for the moments when it bubbles over. Thank you for your support x

Offline Karena

  • Administrator
  • VIP Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1753
  • Karma: +131/-0
Re: Year 3
« Reply #4 on: August 06, 2019, 11:11:06 AM »
I think maybe people havnt forgotten, so much as avoided the mention of a loved ones name in case we get upset by it - when really its not mentioning their name which upsets us more - because we dont cut off from them, i dont think we ever do that -  they still are an integral part of our life in that they have moulded who we areand we think about not just our memorys but how they would react or what they would say in a given situation -so maybe do keep mentioning him - you can still mention him and to do so with a smile might help them see that. Of course we still miss them and still want them to be here but also by focussing on and talking their life their personality and the ways they made us smile might help other people to see they can do the same. 

Work, if i am honest was never fulfilling but when he was alive but it didnt matter that much, there was some-one to sound off too - but also it was a means to an end, it brought in money it gave me weekends off to spend with him and every day  i went home he was there and that made it better.
 When he suddenly wasnt there  i was looking for more from work than i had before so noticed its lacking more.
 I work in graphic design - mostly adverts and packaging for an electronics design company  - it wasnt really pushing me to slap a few screenshots on an advert but over time i have used work  to do other  things - and i use work software in my lunchtimes or after paid work hours to do some more fulifilling voluntary projects. But i have also learned more about electronics especially as theyre now focussed on high speed internet of things stuff - which is current so has lots of informatiom out there - so i can be far more creative, having a better idea of what they are talking about means no more boring screen shots and an increased knowledge of photoshop,doing environment courses spurred me to implement recycling etc in the office and design much more eco friendly packaging,  so as part of your evaluating, depending on your job of course, perhaps think about how you could make it more fufilling,not just in payscales and "moving up the ladder" but also in those other ways you can make the existing job better.

Also as Emz did i spent a lot of time exploring spirituality - not just different religions and beliefs  but meditation and mindfulness - i also did a lot of free online courses which distracted me but also gave me the chance to explore where my interests  really lie  and to gain confidence - ultimately it was one of those courses which helped me make work more fulfilling as well.

I think its a case of balancing the person I was when there was two of us with the person i am now but still taking him forward with me  - its not a quick process i am 8 years in, and it can be very much trial and error but it is do- able.