Author Topic: How to face the anger  (Read 637 times)

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Offline jake1996

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How to face the anger
« on: July 14, 2019, 12:47:30 PM »

I really need some support and feel as though atm, this is the only place I can turn I mentioned in my last post, I lost my mum when I was 4 years old (am now 23) and am only just coming to terms with the whole thing now. I've cried a little bit over the past few days but what I can't handle is the anger. There's a tight, pulsing ball of it in my chest right now, but my mind can't accept the fact that I'm angry because the anger is directed at my Mum. I know it's not logical but I think 4 year old me was incredibly angry that his Mum had left him without any explanation (the circumstances were that she went into hospital and I never saw her again) - I know as an adult it wasn't her fault, but this huge anger still remains unaddressed and has been inside me all this time. I'm now trying to face it but I'm so afraid of it because my Dad used to get so angry when we were children and that was so scary for me, so now I think anger is a dangerous and terrible thing that shouldn't be expressed. Instead, I've just turned it inwards against myself for the past 20 years and so have suffered with very low self-esteem, exhaustion and am very underweight. Clearly this is affecting me and I need to express it: i felt like I was making progress yesterday as I essentially just gave into the anger and it started coming, but I feel like I will go berserk and that I mustn't let it out in case I hurt someone, but I know I won''s just so frustrating because it takes all my strength to keep it down and I'm tired of fighting it. On top of that, I tried to confide in my Dad about how I felt but, understandably, he was upset that I felt that way, which I do get but it does make me feel guilty for feeling the way I do when it's already hard enough to face it. He says things like 'Mum wouldn't want you to feel like that' and 'think how everyone else feels, we've all had to deal with it' when it's still affecting them, I can see it...but people telling me I'm wrong just makes me hide from the anger even more but I can't move forward until I express it and let it out. Has anyone else had a similar experience? I just need to know that it's okay to be angry.


Offline Emz2014

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Re: How to face the anger
« Reply #1 on: July 14, 2019, 08:53:06 PM »
I think anger is a fairly common stage of grief, but also anger can be quite a complicated emotion. Its not always clear cut why we feel angry.  I would recommend searching 'anger iceberg' in Google, which is a fantastic demonstration about anger and which other emotions can be tangled in it

Keep talking as it will help you to unravel/process it, maybe journalling too.  Im sure others here may have their examples of angry feelings they have had

You could consider exploring some therapy too perhaps - having a chance to talk it through in a session may also be really helpful and the therapist can teach you tools/techniques to manage it

I know karena has recommended going to bottle recycling banks - throwing bottles in and hearing them smash can be cathartic to an extent.  It must have been disappointing to have that response from your dad when you've tried to reach out. Unfortunately other people can find strong emotions uncomfortable and resort to such sayings in an attempt to easily soothe it away but it doesnt mean you are wrong to feel like you do. Rather than feeling guilty it is good you've identified that this is something you are struggling with and are seeking to heal the right way   xx
Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise. 
Hold on in there xx

Offline Karena

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Re: How to face the anger
« Reply #2 on: July 15, 2019, 10:23:56 AM »
LIke you i have always turned anger in on my self and of course it feels wrong to be angry at your mum even though logically of course she didnt want to leave you it wasnt a choice she made but grief and anger are not logical entitys.Sometimes i think we do need to reach out to people outside that circle of grief because their feeling are also not logical but they tell each other and themselves those kinds of things because thats what we are programmed to do.I know it is so much later and people maybe think grief counselling is something that we get earlier and then its done - but it isnt always the case, so as Emz says seeking that might help, it doesnt cure you of greif but it equips you to deal with it better in my experience - and although we are not professionals here we have plenty of that experience between us and will be here for as long as you need us to be.

With anger i think until the root cause is resolved in some way, the way of dealing with that ball in your chest is to see it as a ball of energy that needs to get out and finding ways to let it do that without harming anyone - so yes the bottle bank thing,but also just doing something that uses that energy  - a rapid walk or a run until you run out of breath - something outdoors is always good because when you stop running and the energy is gone then you can find yourself in a natural environment which is a good place to begin to heal as well.
Another way some-one here recommended was to express it in a letter -and then burn it - symbolically letting go of it.

Offline Sandra61

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Re: How to face the anger
« Reply #3 on: July 16, 2019, 08:56:51 AM »
Ah Jake, so sorry you are having such a hard time, but if things are affecting you to the extent that you are under-weight, it is good that you are trying to find ways to help yourself. That's really positive in itself.

I think I would utilise all the tools at my disposal if I were you. You've already tried talking to family and that hasn't helped, so you need new strategies. I would write down any random thoughts and feeling you may have on a daily basis and that should help crystalise some of the feelings you need to address in a deeper way. I would also seek grief counselling, as I firmly believe that it does help to talk. Yes, you are free to talk here and we will be happy to offer any responses we hope may help, but that's not the same as talking face to face to someone who has experience of helping with things like this, so I would definitely give grief counselling a try. Thirdly, I can recommend the running strategy that Karena suggested. I have done that in the past and it has helped. It releases some of the energy and I had a sense of trying to outrun the feelings I had, but when I stopped, I felt better able to face them and to deal with them, but much of the emotion had dissipated and I felt better able to look at things objectively and think about them more rationally. I also chose to run in a beautiful location and when I stopped, the sound of the wind rustling the leaves in the trees and the grass and the stream running nearby was very calming and reassuring, so I would highly recommend that too.

Give some of this a try, Jake, and if these things don't help, try some new things. Writing a letter to your mum about how losing her has made you feel and talking to her about it all would probably also help, as, even though she isn't there to read it, you are talking to her and that is still a direct link, if only in your head and heart.

Keep us posted, Jake. Good luck!  :hearts: