Author Topic: Grieving for Mum as an adult  (Read 37 times)

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Offline jake1996

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Grieving for Mum as an adult
« on: July 11, 2019, 10:00:52 PM »
Hello everyone,

My name's Jake and I'm posting on here because I lost my Mum aged 4 and could really use some people to talk to. I'm now 23 and it's become really clear to me in the past few months that I have never grieved her loss and it's been affecting my life since, particularly for the past 5 years since I left home and went to uni...the adults around me (dad, grandma) never truly grieved for her loss and so now I'm left alone to deal with this by myself. I have a twin and three younger siblings but none have got to the stage I'm at as far as I know...as far as they're concerned, Mum's death is just 'life' and that's that, but I know it's affecting me yet it's so much easier to pretend it isn't than face the terrible pain I know is inside me...

Jake
« Last Edit: July 13, 2019, 10:18:30 AM by Sandra61 »

Offline Sandra61

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Re: Grieving for Mum as an adult
« Reply #1 on: July 13, 2019, 10:03:41 AM »
Welcome Jake,  :hug: and I am so sorry to hear that you have been carrying this around with you for so long. I think it must be particularly hard to deal with loss at such a very young age. I expect you are right and have issues you need to work through as an adult that you would not have been able to do at the age of 4. Can I suggest that you go and see a grief counsellor? You can do this privately but can also be referred to one by your GP. I think it might help you to speak to someone face to face who has some experience of helping people with things like this.

We have people visit this site who have suffered all manner of loss in different circumstances and at different times, who might well be able to offer you some good advice, so this is a good place to come to to talk too, but we are not professionals. We are just a bunch of people who have also suffered losses and so have some understanding of what you may be going through. My experiences have been different. I lost my mum in 2017 at the age of 96 and my dad in 1985 at the age of 75 and I do know how loss also impacts on your daily life and adds stress and loneliness to your continuing existence even so many years later, so can guess some of what you may be feeling. I don't think that sense of having them no longer there ever leaves you, whatever your age or however many years later it may be. I know I still miss my dad despite the number of years it is since I lost him.

I think there may be things you can do to help yourself work through this in the meantime. I would strongly suggest you write down how you feel about things and what you are thinking and feeling each day. The act of writing it down does help you get it out of your system and identify and order your thoughts about things. I find when I do that, I even come up with thoughts I had not previously realised I had, but that just come out of my mind because I am concentrating on how I feel. Also, you can look back and reflect on it all at a later stage, which can also help you mull over it all and sort it out in your head. You might just want to start by writing down any memories of your mum you still have or how you felt at the time and how others around you have behaved at the time and since to help give you a setting to work from as a base for how you were feeling then and now.

Loss is something we spend all of the rest of our lives working through, I feel. Grief never leaves us. We learn to live with it, but are never who we were before the loss occurred, as it changes our lives to lose someone close, so changes us too, as well as changing our world and our future. It is a massive shock to the system at any age and I would think an even greater one when it happens when you are very young. It might help too to dig out some old photos of your mum to help bring back memories of how life was before you lost her and help you identify how the loss affected you. Gradually, you could move on to looking at ways of commemorating her life and how you valued her. She will always be a valued part of your life and no doubt the sense of loss of the future you should have had together will be a big part in your journey through this, but I think it is very healthy that you are now seeking to do this and will ultimately help you move forward. What interests did she have? Do you share any of them? Do you have any similar character traits? We all take part of the person we have lost with us into our futures, so in a way, they are never completely lost to us and our love for one another never dies, so we always have that in our hearts. It is their not being here that is hard and something you have to learn to find a way to adjust to and that is a life-long rocky road I think. At times it is easier to cope with than at others, so there will always be ups and downs.

You give the impression other family members are dealing with it better or have dealt with it, but that may not be quite as true as you think. People are good at hiding their feelings. It might be worth talking to them about this and trying to find out what they are really feeling, even if they appear to brush it off and say they don't need to! That may not actually be the case.

I would also like to suggest you look at another website called Let's Talk About Loss. That one is designed for people who have lost loved ones when they were very young and up to the age of 35, so they will probably be able to relate better to your own experience and you may find that helpful, as they will also be more in your age bracket.

Keep talking to us here to as much as you like. I am sure it will help bring you peace. Best wishes and sending you an understanding hug ..  :hearts: :hug: