Author Topic: How will I cope with this?  (Read 981 times)

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Offline Emz2014

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Re: How will I cope with this?
« Reply #30 on: June 27, 2019, 09:32:42 PM »
Oh my!! I would be terrified trapped in the cubicle!  Im battling some claustrophobia issues at the moment, ever since the redundancy. (I think its connected to the feeling of being out of my control). Its 50:50 whether I can achieve going in a lift for example. Went to the loo at my sisters the other day, which is a small downstairs loo and it momentarily  crossed my mind what would happen if the lock broke and I had to fight a panic!   Well done for managing to get out!!

You could look to saving some clothing to have made into items Dibsy? I know I've seen memory bears and cushions from shirts or tshirts.  Or could save your favourites in a vacuum pack bag so you have plenty of time before you decide  :hearts:  do whatever feels right for you xx
Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise. 
Hold on in there xx

Offline The Laird

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Re: How will I cope with this?
« Reply #31 on: June 27, 2019, 10:09:06 PM »
I can't say i was ever worried about getting trapped in a loo but sometimes things happen to test ya lol I will always carry one of the multitools with screwdrivers and saws on like Bear Grylls lol  I must have a solid head too so no need for a crash helmet, I don't like lifts and in the town hall in Newton Stewart they have a lift that open on 3 sides and feels very flimsy andone year when we were doing the local craft show there i foolishly decided to use it.....it felt like it was going to come crashing down with me in it and this granny got in and made me squash against the bendy door  :rofl:  i can see a pattern here, maybe i should become a full time stunt man for James Bond? can you imagine Bond getting stuck in a bog?  :rofl:
I know what Dibsy means about clearing the clothes etc, i still have 3 wardrobes full of them (i emptied 2 others) i took loads to the charity shop near me which was a bad idea as a few days later i was coming out of the shop and saw what i thought was Ruth walking away (don't i didn't run and grab her) she had the same blonde hair and was wearing the new jacket i'd bought Ruth not long before she died, so now i take stuff to other towns.

Dibsy you do right cutting the horrible people out we don't need people like that in our lives, its still very early days for ya so lots of things seem to happen all at once....i am still sorting bank stuff and electricity company stuff....none of which i have done before as Ruth liked to boss them sort about so i left her to it but i am getting there and things do get a bit easier in time...its a great time for out in the garden too which does ya good.
Right got to go as i am heading out on a deer hunt (with my cameras no guns) I saw a group of 5 down in the woods so going to try and get some shots to identify them (they all look similar at first but you get to know their characters and small markings over time and then i give them names lol)
Bye and take care
x

Offline Karena

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Re: How will I cope with this?
« Reply #32 on: June 28, 2019, 11:28:42 AM »
 :hug: you dont have to let anything go until you want too if ever.

Some one told my gran they had read that if some-one broke in they would never think to look in the fridge for money -(it doesnt occur to these people that the theives might read too)  after she died we found a bag of five pound notes in the freezer compartment and several lose ones stuffed down the back.

She was not Scottish, but of scottish descent, born in Yorkshire, equally knonw for its budgetry prowess -
Cakes always had half the eggs the recipe said "these recipes always add uneccasary eggs"  ( you can imagine she was no granny wild) - but the ultimate was in a hot summer when i found half a glass of water in her fridge - there was a hosepipe ban but my gran was going to go one better and save us all from drought by having half a glass in the morning and the other half in the afternoon. (it wasnt even a big glass) -

Having siad all that her habits have stood me in good stead over the years when things have been tight - baked bean shepherds pie (yum) -potatoe and onion stew, onion pastys, comfrey ointment for every ill, rasberry vinegar for colds,onion and brown sugar for coughs - nettle soup - sheets cut then turned so the worn middle bit goes to the sides and is then re-attached.
Too small jumpers unravelled and the wool re-used, jumble sale clothes at the end of the sale that go for nothing,retireved for the wool or in some cases just the buttons, darned socks.

Worst was embarassing huge knickers cut up for dusters ( this was her,  not me, i used old t shirts  :rofl:) but hers were cut in such a way you could see they had been knickers - (there was one of those dusters in sight the first time i ever brought a boyfriend home - embrassing beyond belief)  :rofl:

Offline CarolineL

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Re: How will I cope with this?
« Reply #33 on: June 28, 2019, 01:08:39 PM »
It isnt selfish that you are thinking like that,it is very natural to worry how you will cope especially on your own.
Grief for different people does differ, it doesnt mean we loved one more than the other - i have been widowed twice and the second time was different to the first, perhaps its becomes an accumulation.I think not only the pain but sometimes the pain killers are behind the way they respond.The first time,he said some really dreadful things on occasions, but it was a combination of pain killers and fear, eventually you overcome those memorys, you dont forget them but you bring forward in your mind the person they were before the illness and focus on those instead, knowing that they were not themselves at the time, also sometimes i think they are fearful for us,and try to distance themselves from us as a result.
All you can do is take one day,one hour at a time, and i know it sounds like a cliche but it really is the case. We will be here for you and although we are stangers on an onternet forum Emz is right,you are not alone. :hug:
That's has just made so much sense to me, thank you

Offline Sandra61

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Re: How will I cope with this?
« Reply #34 on: June 28, 2019, 02:48:02 PM »
Don't know if this will help, Dibsy, but after my mum died in 2017, I did find myself in a bit of a panic about six months later. Much of it had to do with the probate process, I think and wondering if I might have to sell the house and how I would manage to sort through all my mum's and dad's things in a rush, if I had to.  Thirty- four years on from my dad's death, I still have things of his that we were never able to let go of. Anyway, I made a plan. I made a list of short-term things that needed to be done quickly and long-term plan to work out how I might deal with different scenarios, depending on how the probate matter eventually worked out. This did at least help me feel less like everything was out of my control and helped me calm down a bit. As it turned out, although eighteen months on from losing my mum, the probate people have still not sent me confirmation that this side of things is now completely settled, I do feel reasonably sure that I probably will be able to keep the house, so I now know which long-term plan to move forward with. I also still have a list of options I made in case something still works out a different way to how I anticipate things will now probably go. I think it has helped me worry and panic less and feel I know I have options worked out for different kinds of turns of events and that is reassuring, especially at a time when you are going through so much emotional and practical turmoil and change and trying to adjust to all that and cope with your loss as well.

In terms of getting rid of things, I have now started letting some of my parent's things go. I decided that the last of my dad's shoes that we had kept for so long were probably of more use to someone who could wear them and I have sold off some of my mum's dresses on ebay. I chose this route as the ones I have let go, she either never wore, wore very seldom of wasn't particularly fond of, so I didn't feel she would have disapproved in any way and I know she always preferred to get some money back for things we got rid of when she was alive, so felt she would approve of my doing that too. In fact, I am sure she would have enjoyed the process of selling things on ebay, so I don't feel bad about that at all. Stuff that either doesn't sell or that i don't think it worth trying to sell, I either give to friends or to charity. Slowly, I am at least getting through some of the stuff that doesn't have any emotional significance for me. I am as yet, unable to part with anything she did use regularly. I tend to open the drawer or wardrobe intending to sort out the contents, but then closing it again, because I can still see her in so many of those outfits and getting rid of them still doesn't feel like something I can do yet. I am immensely glad that I have not had to sell the house as having to rush through doing this would have been much too painful and now, at least I can do it, as and when I feel I can. So don['t feel you have to rush through any of this. I know they are just things, but they hold so many memories and images and feeling for us that they become much more than that. You can't just dispose of them in a hurry and that is ok.

Karena, what a wise old granny you had! I think she and my mum and gran must have been cut from the same cloth! Part of their legacy to me has been that I also always use half the number of eggs when baking a cake and yes, also have bags of cut up old vests, pants and night-shirts that I still use for dusters and cloths! Old sheets make great dust-covers when you are decorating and I still have most of my dad's old tools and use them whenever I need to, so those never went!  Oh dear - doesn't everyone do that?!

Offline Emz2014

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Re: How will I cope with this?
« Reply #35 on: June 29, 2019, 08:48:44 AM »
Those posts remind me fondly of a book I have from the 1940's hamper I won - all about how women adjusted recipes and coped through rations during the war.  So interesting and actually inspiring - a refreshing change of attitude from the current prevailing attitude. Although I don't want rations, I do think there's plenty we can cut back on to reduce wastefulness nowadays xx
Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise. 
Hold on in there xx

Offline CarolineL

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Re: How will I cope with this?
« Reply #36 on: July 05, 2019, 01:53:47 PM »
All though it is heart breaking that your loved one has passed and you miss them so very much, they are no longer suffering. I felt comfort from this after my husband passed, we were told he had plenty of time to make arrangements etc but he only lasted 1 week after diagnosis and that was 1 week of terrible pain. You know that you have a long road ahead but done ever feel alone we are hear for you, we have all suffered the same - loss - and already you have started to organise what needs to be done, well done for that too. Do not be to hard on yourself and taking one day at a time is good advice. im just over a year on this road and still just try to focus on the day ahead. love and hugs xxxx

Offline Dibsy

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Re: How will I cope with this?
« Reply #37 on: July 05, 2019, 02:32:07 PM »
Thank you but I can't seem to do anything more at the moment, nothing seems to have any meaning. There doesn't seem to be a purpose.  I am so very glad though that he is at last out of pain. I am keeping a lot of his things as I can't let them go. Not valuables but they were his. I found he had kept all the cards I had sent him over the years, I didn't know that. I always kept mine from him so now they are together.  I have this over whelming tiredness, I suppose it is everything catching up with me. Thank you for your comments, I really appreciate them.

Offline Sandra61

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Re: How will I cope with this?
« Reply #38 on: July 08, 2019, 10:06:35 AM »
Hi Dibsy,

I recognise that feeling of tiredness and nothing having any purpose or meaning anymore. I felt that very strongly during that first year. Slowly you do have to make yourself attend to daily chores and even that felt like an effort and lack of interest in anything pervaded strongly. Perhaps it will be different for you, but I felt I had to consciously combat that as it was making me get more and more depressed. I decided to join a class in order to have to leave the house at least once a week and engage with other people and with life again and I do feel that that has helped me more than anything in getting through this process. I was mixing with people outside of work and we had something to talk about as we focussed on the subject of the classes. It became something I looked forward to each week. It gave me a sort of break from grieving, which is very exhausting and brings you down terribly. I would go so far as to say it saved me from sliding into depression. I supplemented this with taking walks in the park and still do. I find the park a calming and cheering place in which to sit and process all that has happened and come to terms with it. I would strongly recommend both of these things. They have really helped me. Perhaps it might be worth a try.

I hope you are finding your way through this horrible time. Do keep talking to us whenever you wish. It can be about anything and for as long as you like. Sending you an understanding hug.  :hug:

Offline Karena

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Re: How will I cope with this?
« Reply #39 on: July 08, 2019, 10:44:59 AM »
 :hug:It is an exhausting journey and that exhaustion is something that isnt really mentioned in the grief theorys but makes sense when you think about it because of the emotional roller coaster we have found ourselves on. I have a valentines card my husband made next to my bed even now - just a silly thing but it makes me smile still, its fine to keep stuff as long as you want and it often is the little things like that which mean the most - i also have a verse of a poem he wrote on the wall in my office at work printed over a picture of our favourite spot for holidays, i found the poem in a box in the garage and had never seen it before but it obviousely applied to our relationship in the earlier verses but the last one i still read over too myself on a bad day which is why it sits on the wall.
the last verse says
 " fly to the future round hurdles and bends and ride out the storms that nature sends despite ruffled fathers and tired wings never forget that every bird sings"
 
I also get that life seems pointless at the moment, i felt that too - life was pointless i was pointless, but we are still here and i think there is a reason for that.
perhaps you wont even know it, but that moment you are in the right time and place to stop something awful happening to some-one else or the day you smile and say hello to some-one who is having a really bad day will make a difference to them perhaps to the extent that something so seemingly small will be the point of you being here still.Then gradually you will start to see a point for yourself as well.
I think that period of exhaustion our brains way of telling us to rest, and to begin to heal and take stock, and really only in the human world do we ignore that - grief studies in other mammals has shown that - the expression "retreat to the lair" isnt just because of physical injury but because of grief too, the difference is with a herd or a pod in normal circumstances which dont threaten the rest of them, they offer quiet support, drop food neaby and check up on their grieving member certainly, but they dont go barging in there, telling them they have to get out more or get back to work  until they are ready to do so, they are more gentle and more coaxing and more patient.
 
If you think of this time  as being in a forest and sitting under a tree, you sleep when you can and eat some berrys to survive then start to look around and at first there doesnt seem to be any way out, and you dont know which direction to look , but then you start to see what looks like a path, you may take a few steps down it then realise it isnt a path at all and come back to rest under the tree again,but then you will see another and perhaps this time it will go round in a circle because it is the wrong path, but eventually you will find one which seems more promising.It isnt straight or smooth but has hurdles all the way along it, but each hurdle you get over gives you strength to face the next even if you need to rest under another tree between them.
I found a few non paths and i found a few circular ones,and when i did find a better path it took a while to recognise it, and i realised that part of the problem had been i was trying to leave my husband behind under the original tree when i should have been taking him with me, not in the physical sense but in looking to his nature, his decisions, the things he enjoyed and loved to do and the things he felt passionate about, and using them as my guide.
But going back too that original tree,the thing that made me raise my head from the dirt to even start to see any kind of path was the things i found in the tree,the patterns in the bark, the birds, the sounds of wind the feel of rain or sunshine and the way nature replenishes itself every year - a fallen leaf isnt dead it remains part of the circle that is life, and  thats why i use the tree to try and explain my journey because being outside and being in nature as much as possible is,i believe the best aid to start healing our hearts that we can ever find, so where ever you lair is try to keep that connection too the natural world as Sandra says go for a walk to the park or if you are lucky as i was to have one, spend time in the garden. 

Offline Dibsy

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Re: How will I cope with this?
« Reply #40 on: August 14, 2019, 09:33:15 PM »
I've been trying really hard to come to terms with all that has happened but am not managing very well. I went out today 'socialising' for the first time since he died and I had a bit of a breakdown, it was very embarrassing, I'm so glad to get home and be on my own, I can't risk going out and have that happen again. All the time I was thinking he should have been there with me. I miss him so much. I don't want to be a damper on anyone but I do wonder if I really am unstable as I keep getting so upset all the time. I came across some more clothes of his and this time have kept them. I just can't seem to see an end to this, he's just in my thoughts all the time.

Offline Karena

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Re: How will I cope with this?
« Reply #41 on: August 15, 2019, 11:08:23 AM »
 :hug:You are not unstable in any way other than in grief. I questioned my sanity several times as well, i think all of us will have.
 Dont be put off going out - its also fine to have emotional outbursts we are emotional beings and those emotions are all valid we cant keep denying it and we shouldnt have too,  and people who count for anything will understand, even if they cant understand grief itself they wont be put off you if you cry sometimes, I had panic attacks, embrassing yes but people just wanted to help and didnt judge. and it wont happen all the time,but some things will get to you more than others, and when they do thats normal too.

Offline Dibsy

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Re: How will I cope with this?
« Reply #42 on: August 16, 2019, 08:30:02 PM »
Thank you for your reply but I just can't risk going out now. I understand your comments but I can cope at home much better than outside so will do that for now. 

Offline Karena

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Re: How will I cope with this?
« Reply #43 on: August 19, 2019, 12:34:48 PM »
 :hug:

Offline Emz2014

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Re: How will I cope with this?
« Reply #44 on: August 19, 2019, 07:01:13 PM »
Break it down into steps Dibsy.  Try and invite friends or family over now and again so you dont become isolated.  When you're ready you can work out how to venture back out again  :hug: be gentle with yourself
Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise. 
Hold on in there xx