Author Topic: Still strugging  (Read 24 times)

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Offline Janlmb

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Still strugging
« on: February 19, 2020, 10:18:50 PM »
 
It will be six months tomorrow since my husband died.  I have tried so hard not to give up and get on with life.  People said that it would get easier, but that has not seemed to happen.  It is with me all day and night.  I knew that people would be sympathetic at first but would then want understandably to get on with their own lives.  I am trying not to be a needy person but I do find the house empty and very quiet.  I suppose if you have been married for 36 years and looked after someone day and night for five years there will be a gap.  So my head tells me to just get on with it but I still feel lost and at sometimes rather alone.  At the end of the day there is nothing more that I can do and I can't expect others to want to be reminded about what happened.  I know I am a bit sensitive at present.  Someone said to me the other day "Why don't you try internet dating?"  Of course they meant it in a kind way but I felt quite put out.  I would not want to do that.  I do have to try not to keep thinking about myself, difficult at the moment.  Sorry just felt like getting these things off my chest. Good to write them down.  My daughter asked me if I would like to go away with her for a long weekend.  I felt really bad to have to tell her that I don't want to do that at the moment.  I just can't be bothered with getting ready and putting my dogs in the kennels etc and I just want to be here now.  I think she was upset.

Offline Karena

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Re: Still strugging
« Reply #1 on: February 20, 2020, 12:30:21 PM »
 :hug: it feels like 6 months is a long time when you are going through that six months but it really isn't a long time at all on this journey - others don't understand that - and actually the dating comment was something you are right to be put out by  -you cant just pop another person in the gap he has left.

Dating is something personal and only you would know if you were ready for, but being lonely isn't a reason to get into another relationship  it wouldn't be fair to you or them to have something based  purely on loneliness.
If anyone new comes into your life it must  be for more than just filling a space - no-one can be a replacement you didn't stop loving him because he is no longer here so he cant be replaced. That doesn't mean you cant love some-one else when you meet them but you will love them for themselves not as a plaster to cover loneliness or a replacement.
 
Its ok to want to stay at home and just do what needs to be done as well - stepping outside that safe routine is another thing you will do when you are ready - maybe you could talk to your daughter about that and take away some of her hurt - If you don't feel up to going away with her just now  perhaps you could come up with other things you can do together that are less of a giant step and that mean you can step back inside your safety zone afterwards.Shopping trip, theatre, cinema, yoga, dance class -something you can both enjoy together but which is shorter duration  and doesn't need you to put dogs in kennels etc. Both going away from home and dating are giant leaps - and they are way too giant right now, its all about taking small steps.

For me being lonely was about filling the time not at work with other things - gardening helped a massive amount i didn't feel lonely in the garden there was always life around not human life that puts pressure on you -plants and birds and insects that don't.
But i also did  future-learn online courses, they're free and short and don't require much time or pre- knowledge -  no need to leave the house, you do communicate with other students but only online and with whatever the course you were doing is the interest in common that you talk about.After trying to "join" a couple of local things and failing  i realized it was because they were not things i had any real interest in - i was just doing it because people said i should "join something" - the online courses created an opportunity to find out what i was good at or not, and more importantly what inspired me or not - so i just randomly picked some i thought i might be interested in - a couple i ditched part way through - you just stop there is no hassle - but with the others one would lead too another then too another and then they eventually  fitted together and gave me a direction to take.

When you have been wife parent carer worker all your adult life its difficult to be something else as well - so we don't - and then suddenly when those roles disappear we don't know who we are
and have to start over and all that takes time - much longer than six months.

I can still be lonely in some ways, but in the early days that space next to me where he was physically felt like a massive gaping hole you can never avoid  - Learning how to be alone but not always lonely  - is the trick that goes a long way to building a safety net around the space where they were so we don't keep falling back into it.
 
Building that net piece by piece is a long process but it helps to heal the wounds each piece means finding something of yourself - an interest an incentive discovering who you are and who you can become and at some point when you look through the net you will see it isn't covering a gaping hole, because they are still there as part of your life  - we just couldn't see them because we were looking for their physical presence. Making those changes is what frightens us and part of that fear is that we are moving away from them, but he will always be part of who you become.

 
 

Offline Janlmb

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Re: Still strugging
« Reply #2 on: February 20, 2020, 07:00:20 PM »
 Thank you so much Karma for you wise post.  You have given me lots to think about.  I try to go out every day and of course the dogs make me do it even when it is wet and blowing a gale, like today.  It is good to think that I am not making a huge thing out of my loss and to remind me that six months is not such a long time.  You are very kind and I am grateful to communicate with you.  Some of the people that I know seem to think that you can just get over this in a couple of months and as someone said to me, you have got your life back, enjoy it.  I think I will get there but it is going to take me a while. Thank you again.  :hug:

Offline Karena

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Re: Still strugging
« Reply #3 on: Today at 11:08:51 AM »
wow some people really have no idea - "you have got your life back"  - that's astounding - why do they imagine we care for our loved ones, of course its hard work and sometimes exhausts us and we have days when we wonder where our life went because we cant just go out like we used too, but that would never mean we resent them or don't value that time we have with them - When it comes down too it its the people we love who are our life - what do they imagine life is about - i guess they really don't understand because they have never been through this.

You will get  there and it will take time because at this stage how can you know where  "there" is  its like trying to find a door in a dark room room full of doors you stumble around and find one, open  it and step through but it turns out its just another dark room - there may be a lot of doors like that before you find one that lets in a glimmer of light you keep trying until you do and even then you don't know where the glimmer of light will lead you so you move forward cautiously one step at a time until you are sure its the right direction  :hug:

Offline Janlmb

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Re: Still strugging
« Reply #4 on: Today at 03:02:42 PM »
 Thank you Karena.  I can tell that you understand.  I never resented looking after him.  The only thing that i found really hard was knowing that he was not going to get better and watching his decline.  I did my best for him.  He was a kind and gentle person who never grumbled and always thought about others, so easy to look after in many ways.  I am very grateful to you for your kind help and advice, thank you for taking the time.
 :hug: