:hug:It is seven years since my husband died and i remember only too well the feelings you describe - It is a case of small steps and being kind too yourself - because when you feel you are not coping, youre useless and hopeless but that that is wrong, you just add to the pressure on yourself - so by being kind i mean not doing that but accepting it is ok to feel this way - and at this stage if you get out of bed in the morning thats an achievement, if you brush your hair, make yourself some food,go to the shop every little thing you do is an achievement. If you liken it to a physical injury you wouldnt expect to hit the ground running after a trauma -just because there are no bandages doesnt mean you should treat yourself any differently now.
Its a difficult journey with hazards and set backs along the way - the investigation is one of those hurdles and accepting the outcome could be another -sometimes things really are purely accidental possibly a bad junction rather than a bad driver -and sadly (speaking as an ex biker this situation does seem to be a horribly frequent thing.
Anger is a normal part of grief - whether thats anger with another person, with the person you lost or yourself, because then you start with the if only - i had said.done something differently that day he wouldnt have been there at that time - its a cruel viscious circle of thoughts that go round and round.It will pass but again it takes time and i found writing here did help because just the action of writing helps you make some kind of sense of those thoughts - some kind of order that can be brocken and the circle starts to disintegrate.
I still miss my husband, i still have moments of deep pain and i still feel lonely quite often, but nothing as deep or as debilatating as in those early days.I also had no direction - a feeling that my life served no purpose,but because of him and his outlook on life i survived that too - i imagined if there was an afterlife of any kind and we met up - firstly, that if that happened because i destroyed myself he would be hurt and angry that i had created even more pain for familly and friends and that i had thrown away life when he had been robbed of it.Then i imagined another conversation in which all i had done for the rest of my life was grieve -how short that conversation woud be - whereas if i lived my life for both of us -then there would be so much more to share, - if its all nonsense and there is nothing more no reunion, no spirit by our side then i havnt lost anything by living life as best i can either.So thats what i have done and what i still do,constantly searching for things to enhance that imaginary conversation - going places he would have liked to go, going back to places we loved and by learning and doing stretching myself to new things i want to do.
But all these thoughts came later = for now just getting through each hour, each daym then each week is an achivement because grief is exhausting.