It such early days for you and you will find your own path and your own belief over time - i have had longer to think about it and the following is my belief but i would not at any time claim authority in it - the only truth is none of us knows for sure.
keith and i were both already widowed when we met - in fact it was that which drew us together as our youngest daughters were at school together and were drawn togther through the shared experience - we were friends for years because of that too - there are some things girls cant talk about with their dads no matter how liberal he is and mine needed a bolt hole too. We shared school things with chairs lined up in twos - when you had to sit there on your own - school concerts where you wanted to support them but - for me walkng into a space filled with people - almost always couples (my mum had died as well so it was just me) was a major thing for me as i have social anxiety issues anyway - so we went to those things together and too a degree parented together, although we both never tried to replace the missing parent.When it changed from friendship to something much deeper we both also knew that there would always be a part of of us that still loved the one we had lost but that was fine too - and like you i never had any jealousy about his wife - until he died.
This too will pass -although sometimes it still hurts occasionally.
The first time i felt it, his daughter posted a valentines thing on fb about them being back together, and a lot of her friends and relations repeated the whole mantra they were a match made in heaven etc etc - it was as if for them i hadnt existed he never married me -and it hurt me very deeply.
This last week - his daughter got married on saturday and her husband as a suprise present has got both her parets wedding rings (too each other, the ones we had are both on my finger) but again anounced it on fb - except this time i was at the wedding two days earlier -people spoke to me -i got new friend requests from two of them, so i knew there was no bad intent whatsoever - but to be honest it still hurt when i saw it, only this time it was more fleeting and without the paranoia.
Of course she wants to think of her parents being together in eternity -who wouldnt want that - but i cant let that take anything away from me -I met his wife when she was alive - she was on the same cancer ward as Mark - she was the first person who put her arms round me when he had just died, she was a nice person or he wouldnt have loved her - she and i would have got on well together as friends in this life.
He didnt want to leave me, but if there is still consciousness they lose us too and maybe go through the same emotions we do -she would have put her arms round him to comfort him, but that doesnt mean they are a complete entity and there is no place for me in that circle.
I do think there is something after this life and i think why would we all not get on together in another life - i dont believe we necessarilly carry those jealousys we have in this life into the next because those are emotions created from instincts partly the survival instincts. In the animal world a male fights over his herd - females compete for his attention and will kill other females that threaten her children or her position with the male - thats how survival of the species works and humans are not so remote from that as we like to think - but without our physical bodies we will be free from those instincts - we will be spirits or souls who are attracted because of something very different than physical appearance - so maybe her and keith and Mark will be hanging out together because they have the same connections in this world but are also the same kind of souls.When we say someone was our soul mate it doesnt necessrilly have to be exclusive.
If we are free from this body and free to move around then we are free to be with some-one at a time of need whether they are in this life or the next, time and distance is not the same outside the human concept.Is Keith looking over my shoulder at work - i used to think so in the early days i dont now -but i dont need him to be, and he wouldnt have been doing that in this life - but i think he will be with me when i go back to Wales next week because thats what he loved to do - i think he has always been and always will be with me when i do need him to be.
A strange dream like encounter with an owl and another when i was watching a dolphin lead me to look into the idea of Anmal spirit guides - we went to watch dolphins when we were in wales he adopted one for me which is the one i saw - we rescued an owl and he had an affinity with them -so it made sense to look into it - the beleif is we have Animal spriti guides but that also they change when we need something different and work together to guide us.
Mark was a joiner maybe he is the one who puts the right tool for a job in my hand,Keith was a mechanic maybe he is the one who helps me find what is wrong with a vehicle -then he was a teacher and i am about to take in a 15 year old with failed mock gcse,s - i have never been a teacher yet still feel i can help because Keith was and my mum was, and i have every faith they will guide me.(dont worry i will be using human generated GCSE guides as well)
I looked at pagan beliefs and found the two trees we were assoiciated with by our birthdays were standing together at the bottom of my garden.
I dont have one belief in one system of beliefs but dont believe any are wrong - i also think quantum physics has an interesting part to play - as does the natural world -under biology - a leaf falls from a tree it appears to die, yet it continues to nourish that tree and the eco system underneath it - so its not about a tradition or religion for me or the rules it has imposed on itself, but about the interconnectedness of everything around us including that which we cant see.
I also had to move house but i dont think we leave them behind a house is just a building and again they are no longer bound by a physical body to be with us anywhere we end up.
I think we also look for signs so hard we dont see them - there are the ones people speak a lot about feathers,butterflys etc or feeling a presence. The wedding was 1950,s rockn roll themed - she made the flowers from newspapers and magazine - my daughter and a couple of others made a lot of them up as well so it was a joint effort . Her older sister Sally was maid of honor -during the service i was looking for signs he was there and saw nothing - Afterwards Sally showed me her bouguet - somewhere along the way of creating them rolling the paper and making the flowers into a bouquet -hers over several flowers has a trail of letters that spelled out - "sometimes when we touch" - its a song he loved - but he always said it had more meaning than was obvious and i never quite knew what he meant by that despite reading the lyrics through more than once after he died - but it wasnt something i had even thought about recently - i dont see how it could possibly have been done on purpose or any reason to do it -but sometimes we learn just to accept that something that could be dismiised as co-incidence isnt always, and start to see things that are meant for us too.
Anger -yes also Normal - anger with ourselves which turns to guilt - the questions what if i said that or did that differently - Anger with the person who died even thoguh we know it wasnt their fault, and anger with other people - Sometimes just because they look happy together sometime they say or do something innocent that triggers absolute rage in us -
The first day i went back to work my boss was talking about arguing with his wife over the colour of new kitchen units - i wanted to scream at him -your wife is still alive kitchen units are not important - i didnt but i came close too it. I had a spot behind the shed i spent a lot of time retiring too in those early days back at work.
A few months later i was in a charity shop and two old ladies were chatting -one had left her husband at home because he only got in the way when it came to shopping - he was a "blooming nusisance". Again i left quickly - and of course people dont mean to be cruel the two old ladies could have had no idea what they had said they didnt know me - and it was actually something i might have said my self to a female friend when he was alive.
In the same way your friend could not have had any idea what she was saying about his stuff - i think people want to help but dont know how they dont know what to say so say the wrong thing or nothing at all , which can actually be worse, and look for a practical way - sometimes that way can be born of ignorance - they havnt been there themselves, they see others do that with loved ones stuff - but that absolutely doesnt mean they dont care .
Your son sounds lovely and Emz is right only you will know if or when you feel able to sort through it - and sometimes in my experience what becomes valuable to you later on isnt the same things you feel are now, so take your time it doeant matter how long that is.
Those memorys of things like the coffee machine incident will be the ones which make you smile and sometimes the ones that make you cry as well when they come to you unexpetedly - those little things are as important if not more so as the big ones - they are what your lives together were about and will be the ones you come to cherish.