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General Discussion / Re: I was so miffed about waking up this morning!!
« Last post by Karena on November 26, 2020, 02:36:30 PM »
 :hug: - i may be disillusion i may be kidding myself  and i dont care there is nothing to lose by it but i take moments like that to be what i think they are at the time they happen - but  i was standing on the harbor wall in our favorite place in Wales watching a dolphin - broad daylight definitely not asleep and a few people around -  my eyes were glued to the sea but then i became aware of feeling some-one standing close behind me - too close for a stranger or even a friend and i could feel a warmth from them - and that's how we often stood me leaning on him as we watched. I didn't want to look away from the dolphin because i didn't want to break the spell or for the moment to end - and it wasn't something i would have felt if it was some-one else it was the opposite i would have been very uncomfortable with someone so close and would have turned round, but i just stood there and kept my eyes on the dolphin because some instinct made me realize it was something i should grasp while i could  - and when the dolphin moved away so did the warmth behind me  - logic came back i didn't want to turn round and see it could have been someone else,  but at the same time i needed to know, so i turned round and still managed to be surprised when  there was no -one any where near  close enough to where i was standing they had all moved down to the other end of the wall. On the one hand i was disappointed of course because whoever or whatever had happened was gone  but on the other it was something that  was special and i wouldn't have missed for the world however fleeting  - dreams like yous do end no matter how we try to cling too them but whether logical or not, waking or not  i think we should embrace them.They are a short blessing but a blessing nevertheless.  :hug:       
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General Discussion / Re: Confused with life now
« Last post by Karena on November 26, 2020, 02:09:14 PM »
from what you say about feeling guilty if you meet friends that's normal - you feel guilty for laughing or smiling being distracted for any length of time or not crying all the time - and i definitely recognize the wanting to go to work but not being able to focus i went back after two weeks and  made silly mistakes fortunately picked up by colleagues before they did any  damage but still managing to make me feel i wasn't able to cope even with mundane tasks. When i was there i wanted to be at home and then i would loiter going home because i didn't want to be at home  - and that went on for a long time then re-instated itself even more when the dog also died leaving me with no reason to go home. It wasn't because time at home had stood still i had moved house by then but just opening the door to an empty house especially with a weekend looming - i started leaving a light on so it wasn't dark when i walked towards the house and the tv was on all the time i was in there whether i was watching it or not because i felt less alone with the background noise.

The one place i found solace was the garden.Nature can help.You come to see life springing back again after the hardest winter  and it gives you  hope it will for yourself too one day - Not everyone is lucky enough to have that space but if you can find anything of nature - go to a park or a woodland or even just grow some bulbs in a pot it helps.
 There was a moment i became aware the sun on my back and a robin singing nearby refusing to let me not lift my head to look for it and for that brief moment i actually felt happy - it didn't last but i grabbed it and then  retrieved it in my mind whenever the dark clouds started closing in again because it gave me hope that it was possible for moments like that to happen.
You also come to see that when a plant dies back and the leaves fall off a tree they seem to be dead  but they are still nourishing the ground and the tree and supporting life just in a different form - and whatever your beliefs about afterlife etc you can see how when we lose a loved one what changes is the physical form but in life they are a still part of who we are and that part of us doesn't  go away. For some that is the idea of a spirit or soul that remains around us for others it is purely biological or neurological but whats in our hearts and memory's doesn't leave  and when we ask them for advice they answer because we already know deep down what they would say and that's when i began to realize that trying to move on and away from him and the love we had was the wrong path for me but moving forward and taking him with me more possible.
It doesn't stop the pain of them not being here it doesn't fill the void,  but it helps build something like a fence around the void so we dont fall into it.
For me that was living my life for him,creating that garden as a tribute too him but also doing things we used to do, doing things we didn't get round too and sometimes doing things he would have loved and i didnt but tried for him  - and while i was doing all that i was starting to build that fence so i couldn't fall back into the void but also begining to move further away from the edge of it.

I am not a counselor and i may well be wrong to even think it  but my answer would be that what we want for our soul mate is a two way thing - so what we want for them they would want for us so we must find it for ourselves too,  but instead of tying to leave them behind if we can find a way to go on that journey with them and carry them beside us in some way it will be a more bearable road to walk -  but it will take time to find ways even to just set off.
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General Discussion / Re: Confused with life now
« Last post by Nice2bNice on November 25, 2020, 10:57:45 PM »
This thread has made interesting reading, more so to the fact that it is I myself who sets pressures on trying to get over it as it were, I did return to work for 8weeks after a 12week absence however nearing the end of the 8weeks I was unable to cope with everyday issues.
It's like I was going to work to escape home but when I returned home I was returning to a place where time stood still.
My partner was taken from me unexpectedly albeit supposedly secondary complications of her illness but nobody had expected anything so suddenly.
The medical side I can understand however the abrupt chain of events I cannot understand.
I find I feel guilty when I arrange to do things with friends, I feel the void in my life is too much at times and learning to live my life without her can be overwhelming at times and this is when I crumble.
I was asked by a mental health specialist the other day, "what do you think Sara would be saying to you right now" as I was bubbling with emotion. My reply without hesitation was "I hope she would be saying I'm feeling well, I'm in a happier place".
This seemed to confuse the person I was speaking to, my love for Sara was unconditional as anyone would know when they experience true love.
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General Discussion / Re: I was so miffed about waking up this morning!!
« Last post by longedge on November 25, 2020, 10:06:33 PM »
It happened again this morning, I was half awake and Chris was snuggled up to my back, I could feel her there and she spoke to me, not sure what she said though  :grin:.  I fought with myself for what seemed like several minutes not to fully wake up but it faded away  :sad:.

It's left a bitter sweet feeling in me all day.
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Introduce Yourself To Us All / Re: Hello everyone
« Last post by longedge on November 25, 2020, 09:54:17 PM »
I'll just add my own hello and welcome to that from Emz and Karena Bob. At two months you'll still be in a daze but you are so right when you say that talking helps.

When Chris died in our local hospice, I was lucky that one of the outworkers visited me at home and almost forced me to join a support group that they were running. Being together with a group of people where it was perfectly OK to cry, laugh, rant or just sit quietly was a strange experience at first but it worked for me and got me through a very difficult time.
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Introduce Yourself To Us All / Re: Good evening and hello
« Last post by longedge on November 25, 2020, 09:40:25 PM »
Good evening Gordon,

I'm just over 5 years down the line now and the forum has been my life saver on many occasions, it's knowing that no matter what you're going through, you're with others who understand and it's a place that you can 'unload'. I wish you strength for the times ahead.
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Introduce Yourself To Us All / Re: Good evening and hello
« Last post by Nice2bNice on November 25, 2020, 08:04:25 PM »
Thank you all for your kind words, I shall try to be as interactive as I can though please let me find my feet as I navigate this forum.
Kind regards. Gordon
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Introduce Yourself To Us All / Re: Hello everyone
« Last post by Karena on November 25, 2020, 10:06:03 AM »
Hi and welcome - i think losing them close together like that is really difficult as the person who would have supported you most has also gone which  just brings that home even more if that were possible.
I came here after losing my husband - my GP did find 1 to 1 bereavement counseling for me which also helped but i didnt think it would before i went. But group support face to face was not an option as my social anxiety had gone through the roof  -but being here and being able to write was different and really helped a lot. before covid we did meet up sometimes as we made real friends in this virtual world here and that helped too because it felt like that, and not like having to put on a face in front of total strangers.I hope you will find the same here - we will be here as long as you need us to be.   :hug:
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Introduce Yourself To Us All / Re: Good evening and hello
« Last post by Karena on November 25, 2020, 09:53:11 AM »
welcome to the forum - i found this place after my husband died - and it helped a lot in part because it was somewhere i could write down feelings i couldnt express aloud and partly because of the support from others here.We are all left with many questions and emotions and sometimes just recognizing others are on this same roller coaster journey we dont want to be on and what we are feeling doesnt mean we are going mad or "not grieving properly" also makes a difference.  :hug:
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Introduce Yourself To Us All / Re: Good evening and hello
« Last post by Emz2014 on November 25, 2020, 09:23:02 AM »
Sending you a welcome hug  :hug:  I found the forum really helped me during my journey, I hope you find it helps you too.

Its certainly a rollercoaster journey, and especially challenging around the festive period. I know we have many members who have lost their partners and will understand  :hearts:
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