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General Discussion / Re: 30, 25 and 16 years later...
« Last post by Sandra61 on Today at 01:17:18 PM »
Oh, Pep, what a heart-wrenching story! So much loss at such young ages, both for you and those you lost. No wonder you are struggling. I am not sure you know how to grieve anyway when you are so young. I am not saying we ever reach an age when we do know how to grieve, but I feel in my own experience of close losses, that I am learning to deal with it better the older I get. It is still terrible and stressful and hard to recover, but somehow, I feel like I am starting to understand it better; all the tangle of emotions, guilt, misery, isolation, sadness, anger, the tendency to feel irritated and annoyed with others, love and regret and the longing for happier days when they were still here and the horrible reality of not being able to see or speak to them again. It is all so complicated and so hard, but the more of life you see, I think the more you learn to be able to get it into proportion in relation to the world and the rest of your life.

Grief never leaves you; you learn to live with it. You find strategies to fall back on to help you when you are struggling with it. For me it was having flowers around. They cheered me up a bit and reminded me there are still good things in the world and their scent somehow helped me feel better. I walk in the park too and find it helps to sit on a bench there to try to come to terms with all that has happened. Having nature around you helps and the inscriptions on the benches remind me that love never dies and people continue to be remembered and loved by those who knew them. It is a calming and healing place to sit to do that with greenery all around you. But I also try to do something each week that gets me out of the house, makes me think about something else and engage with life again and ensures I have something to look forward to doing.

I am glad the counselling is helping, and I am glad you have posted on this website because talking really helps too and when I came here, what also really helped me was finding that others understand and knew what I was going through. Everyone here has lost someone and has been through and continues to go through this terrible journey, so they will all understand what you are feeling.

There is no right or wrong way to grieve and no timescale for it either. Life goes on and that is one of the hardest things to grasp sometimes. I felt like the world should have stopped and couldn't understand how things could just keep going on as normal around me, when this terrible disaster of the loss of someone I loved so much had occurred. You are left feeling like you are in another universe, removed from everything that is going on around you and that the planet itself should stop and acknowledge the loss; not just you! But of course, that never happens.

You are not alone here, and we will help as best we can, if you feel like posting again. I am sure there are indeed others who have postponed the grieving process like you. Perhaps it is the mind's way of protecting us until we are able and ready to begin to process it. Whatever the reason, I wish you well. Keep at it. You have to express it and allow yourself to feel it sooner or later in order to heal. It may not be a quick process and I think is something we all spend the rest of our lives dealing with to a greater or lesser degree really. There are good days and bad days, better and worse days, but you only have to get through them one at a time and you learn that even on the worst ones, you know that there will be better ones to come, once again. So you have hope.

I find what helps me is to remember that I was lucky to have the person with me while I did and to recognise the treasure of memories they left me and the privilege of knowing them for the time they were here. They left me great memories, some not so great ones too, but they all make us stronger and these special people help make us who we are, so we are their legacy in a way and would not be the same people without having had them in our lives, so in a way, they never leave us, because they are part of us; part of who we are.

The way I see it, those who loved us would still want us to be happy and to have lives that are the best they can be, so, as they are not here to make that happen for us anymore, it is up to us to do it for them and have as good a life as we can, so that, if we ever meet again, we will have lots to tell them and make them proud of us and what we did after they were gone.

Good luck and keep talking.  :hearts: :hug:
So sorry to hear of the loss of your lovely uncle, JTC. Sending you an understanding hug.  :hug:  Your story reminds me a lot of what happened when my mum passed away two years ago. She went into hospital with a stroke and was getting better from that, but had to stop taking her heart medication as a result and died of the problem with her heart instead. She too loved life and was a lovely person and I was desperate to get her home again, but didn't manage to do that. She was 96.

I don't think it matters what the circumstances or age of the person are, you still feel robbed and are left angry and sad. These are all normal responses to such a terrible event and everyone here will recognise the feelings you describe. It is so hard to lose someone so dear to you and especially when they seemed to be getting better.

Covid is an awful disease and I am so sorry your uncle caught it. It is so unpredictable and so dangerous to anyone with another major condition. Your uncle still made it to a very good age, but I know, my own mum having been even older than that when she passed away, it is never something we are prepared for and we are never ready to lose them. We always want to get them home again. That was all I wanted at the time.

Your memories of your lovely uncle will always be in your heart and mind, so he will never really be gone from you, because you will always remember him. Try to be kind to yourself at this difficult time. We are here for as long as you need us.  :hearts:
General Discussion / 30, 25 and 16 years later...
« Last post by Pep on July 04, 2020, 11:45:03 PM »
Hello.... i am 40 now. Wife with two kids. Until four weeks ago i didnt talk to anyone about my loss. That person im talking to now is a councellor. She is helping. My brother lets me use his house in private for an hour while i whatsapp video call with her.

So what happened 30 years ago in 1990?. Well i was 10 at the time and lost my eldest sister to breast cancer. She was married and she was about 25 (she passed away while pregnant with twins! I cant imagine what her husband went through!!!). Then in 1995 i lost my dad to cancer (about a couple months before my GCSEs).

I don't really know how i did it, but i scraped by, then onto college, then off to uni. I managed to get a degree in engineering but after i graduated, i lost my last sister to cancer in 2004 (she was married and in her 30s!).

I just ploughed on in life. Head down, work, sleep, eat. That kind of thing. Then i meet a girl... get married, have two kids. All healthy.

Then about a couple months ago, it was my sisters 50th birthday anniversary. My wife said i should see a counsellor as i was acting strange. I knew i was out of character. Basically it all started coming out. I grieve and cry about every other day now. I dreaded fathers day and i dreaded having my birthday yesterday. I'm different around my family now. Im just sad all the time and i feel trapped in my own home. Its like ive just lost them all in a car crash or something (or not... i dont really know). I would say this is the first time i have grieved. My councellor is giving me good advise, there is no pressure to make decisions which is great.

I just thought i would share my life because if there is someone reading this who has "delayed" grieving (if its a thing)... then take comfort that you are not alone. I dont know what the answer is... but maybe my post might help you. I've never liked the saying "time is a healer". But thats because i never gave myself time or space to grieve. I wish i grieved each time. Then maybe the pain now wouldn't be so bad now.

Hugs to all.

Oh. Not sure if im allowed to post this but i love the lyrics in "Waltzing Along" .  :smiley:
Please Post In This Bereavement Support Posting Room / I lost my uncle to covid
« Last post by JTC on July 04, 2020, 11:15:37 PM »
Hi, my dear uncle had so  much to live for, he had heart failure symptoms which had to be controlled with medication but he still really loved life, he was interested in and appreciative of the people around him and was kind to us all. He was a positive person. However during lockdown he had to socially isolate and his heart symptoms got worse, to the point that there was no other option but to admit him to hospital.  They had to try and reduce the fluid in his body caused by his heart failure.  For some time the medication didn't work and we were at the point where if it didn't work within 24 to 48 hours there would be nothing else they could do.  Then, at the last minute, the drugs  started to work. We rejoiced, as he started to get better, that Sunday he was so bright, he phoned  us  all from hospital (no visitors were allowed) and we were so happy to see how well he was doing.  B4 he went into hospital he had tested negative for covid, so he was able to go  straight to a  ward without covid. A week later  he was tested again, still negative, then after another 7 days  he tested positive, so he'd caught it on the ward.  At first he was asymptomatic and they told us he would be coming home the next week, we were so happy, we  rushed to get everything ready for him, we were  told he'd be out within the next day or two, it  seemed so wonderful as his 90th birthday was due in another week or so, and he had so wanted to get to 90.  We planned  a socially distanced party for him, we  bought presents for him, then within a day or two everything seemed to change, the covid seemed to be taking  hold.  He got worse  and worse and then within another week it had killed  him, so he  died two  days ago. It seems so heartbreaking  and unfair.  Sorry to share such a sad story with you, but we are so upset, that his recovery was within his grasp, he could come home to us, and then things changed so suddenly. I won't  go into the way that  last week progressed, but we just  want him back,he  was  meant to be coming home, they'd sorted his problem out with his heart, he'd been so good during  lock down, it was  to  be a new start for him, his birthday, maybe a chance to get out and about a bit again, to  do the things he loved again, now that his heart was better, but then it was all over. It's not  fair, he didn't deserve that. and he didn't  make his 90th birthday, he  was short  by 5 days. He had some of cards open anyway, on his bedside table in hospital, wehope he  got  some pleasure from them. But he was such a lovely kind  uncle, this shouldn't have happened to him, i feel so angry upset and sad
Please Post In This Bereavement Support Posting Room / Re: Devastated
« Last post by Karena on July 02, 2020, 10:14:33 AM »
 :hug: Its such early days and they really do put you in a state of shock.I could not imagine life without my husband either - and for a long time afterwards i had absolutely no idea what the point of anything was any more.

The best, the only thing you can do now, is to get from one minute to the next, one hour to the next one day to the next and be kind too yourself - if roaming round the house bawling is how your emotions react then its ok to do that - any reaction is ok because thats what grief really  is - others dont cry at all until after the funeral and thats ok too - its not some neatly parcelled up timed set of generalizations.

I found this site a few months in and it became a lifeline for me - not only because others here understood better than anyone but because i could write what i couldn't say without fear of emotional outbursts stopping my words -  i could write letters too him and poetry and in doing so - having to make a feeling into a sentence it helped me to make sense of that feeling -  and also because the support is here for as long as we need - where-as we worry that people in the "real" world will grow weary of supporting us and so we paint on the smile and say we are ok when we are not whereas here we dont have too. The same applies now, we will be here as long as you need us to be.
Please Post In This Bereavement Support Posting Room / Re: Devastated
« Last post by Sandra61 on July 02, 2020, 01:21:36 AM »
Oh, I am so sorry to hear about your husband. There are lots of people here who will sadly have been through what you are going through now. Please know you are not alone. Everyone here has lost someone and I am sure will be able to help you feel less isolated at this terrible time. Sending you a welcome hug.  :hug:
Please Post In This Bereavement Support Posting Room / Devastated
« Last post by Vilnius on July 01, 2020, 01:49:30 PM »
Hi , I am a new member. My husband died yesterday on his 66 th birthday. We have been married over 40 years and I cannot imagine my life without him. I just keep roaming around the house bawling my eyes out.
Introduce Yourself To Us All / Re: Intoducing myself to the group
« Last post by Keren on June 30, 2020, 05:56:10 PM »
Thank you for the welcome hug Sandra61
Introduce Yourself To Us All / Re: First Post
« Last post by Emz2014 on June 30, 2020, 02:37:29 PM »
Sending a welcome hug  :hug:
It is certainly often a surprise that the bereavement journey can take so long and is a rollercoaster. Be gentle with yourself, take it a day at a time
I found this very helpful.  I am still in the early stages of grief. After a time your are expected to move on, you put on the fake smile and try to busy yourself. I pushed a lot of feelings down and distracted myself in work but with the Covid pandemic I was working from home but it was only a few hours.  The grief began to resurface with such a gush that I was over whelmed and I could not face do anything.  I have began to realise that I should disregard what "people" think and deal with my feelings.
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