Bereavement Support Posts => Introduce Yourself To Us All => Topic started by: suzanne on September 10, 2019, 12:05:38 AM

Title: Sad and lost
Post by: suzanne on September 10, 2019, 12:05:38 AM
Hi my name is Suzanne and I lost my lovely husband of 21years just over a year ago and I can't cope
Title: Re: Sad and lost
Post by: Sandra61 on September 11, 2019, 01:22:46 AM
Sending you a welcome hug, Suzanne.  :hug:
Title: Re: Sad and lost
Post by: suzanne on September 11, 2019, 01:39:56 AM
Thank you xxx
Title: Re: Sad and lost
Post by: Karena on September 11, 2019, 10:27:55 AM
HI Suzanne.
I lost my husband 8 years ago so i have been where you are now.
I think, and others here will agree that the second year can in some ways be harder than the first - My theory is its  because as a society we have this year of mourning hang up, so other people think we should be able to cope or that we should have "got over it" after a year - like grief has a sell by date.
Its actually just a victorian custom and was based entirely on convenience - a young woman of child bearing age was allowed to grieve for a year after which her male relative could demand she marry again - a man could have a year before which he became "eligible" again - it was mostly about money and heritage ( sons to pass it on too) -  and nothing to do with reality of what grief is.
The problem is because society thinks like that we then put it on ourselves and think we are somehow at fault when we dont feel how we are expected too, and start to think what is real too us is, is us not coping as we "should" and then we put more pressure on ourselves.

I still miss my husband every day but the pain of those earlier times has diminshed as i have replaced grief with belief that the end was only a short time within our marriage and the time we did have together before that is much bigger, so the empty space he left is filled not just with memorys of our time together, but with the knowledge that i was loved,that he still answers my dilemmas because i know in my heart what he would have sugested, that he travels with me wherever i go.
It doesnt take away the physical need for a hug but a mental hug is better than none. I do think he still guides me -pushing me forward but coming with me so the bond between us changed but wasnt ever cut. I have moved forward studied travelled a bit found new interests and overcome or found a way round some social barriers to get there -but he has been the one behind me still.
Most of all i learned that doing something because people think i should isnt for me - i joined things which in reality held no real interest  and realised  that they failed because they just wernt for me  rather than as i believed at the time it was me that was the problem - you have to keep taking a path then going back again until you find the one for you, and it isnt easy and it takes longer than most of us thought it would.

Joining this place helped others do understand because everyone here is at some stage of this horrible journey , having somewhere to write, to express the things we cant say to those around us in our "real" lives and having the support of people who quite often do become real world friends too is priceless. 
Title: Re: Sad and lost
Post by: suzanne on September 11, 2019, 12:05:50 PM
Aww thank you for your replies. I do feel so angry with myself as I always thought I was a strong person but this has literally buckled me. I am seeing a cruse counsellor and my gp regularly. I am also waiting to hear from PTSD as the loss of Thomas came quite soon after the death of my little brother who took a massive heart attack aged only 26 😞 .it really is a struggle to just get washed and dressed and tbh I only do that if I have an appointment. I know it will take time but I just wish I could see a little light at the end of the tunnel. I cry ALL the time. I swear I don't know where the tears come from!
Title: Re: Sad and lost
Post by: Karena on September 12, 2019, 11:06:27 AM
I thought i was strong too - the second time of being widowed - in between that my mum and my best freind - this was the straw that finally broke the camels back - but dont be angry with yourself, you are human you have human emotions and reactions and you are allowed to be human. you cant  be strong all the time no one can you need time to heal and find peace before you can begin to build that strength back up just as you would with any physical injury but you will find strength again - just getting dessed for apointments is a step forward on that road.

Before keith died but after his first stroke  i met the strongest person i know on a plane. a woman called Anna I was terrified of flying and being on my own and worried about him - she was too exhausted to sleep having made her way home from Canada.-Tthere was just us on our row and we talked for 12 hours as if we had always known each other.

She was from lesotho one of the poorest countries in the world she had spent her whole life in her village and had only left to go to the nearest town a couple of times a year, but she had learned English from the missionary school when she was little  and later worked for an English familly who had gone over there to as engineers to build a dam system. She was 67 years old - both her daughters had  married then died from aids along with their husbands, she went and fetched their children brought them up and lived with the stigma surounding them,  she coped because she was strong.
Her son, thanks to her employer had got a sponsorship to train and became an engineer and moved to Canada, she hadnt ever met his wife or children and not seen him for fifteen years.
 Then her husband died, and that was what finally floored her -she stopped going to church  stopped dressing stopped going out of the door except to get food and stopped talking - in her own words she survived but didnt live - Then her son sent her a return  air ticket - she got up and went to ask the  minister how to get a passport and he helped her fill in the forms, but to colect it she had to go to the capital which was a few days walk.  Everyone advised her it was madness  and no -one thought she would actually go to Canada once she had seem what the capital was like. but she came back packed a bag and  hitched her way into South Africa to Jo berg, got on the plane transferred 3 times and went to Canada - i met her on her return journey two months later.

I dont know if it was some kind of fate thing meeting her, and she will never know how much she kept me going when i got back to what i did,because of what she had done -  if anyone could ever show me that i could be strong again it was her, - but she was for a time just the same as you are now, surviving but not living.