Hi Matt.
I agree with Sandra grief counselling may help but also i found this site was invaluable in part because of the kindness and wealth of experience of the people here and in part because in writing things down i was able to make more sense of them,and un jumble them a lot.If you take some things out of the box and re-file them then the box is easier to deal with. Like you i have compartmentalised things, and like you i am not good at expressing my feelings to others but more focussed on trying to support them rather than looking after myself.
I totally get your loft and fear of opening the door to sort it out, and in my case it is not just metaphorical as after my husband died i had to move house and moved into my mums house, my childhood home, although she too had died recently died - it is a house full of stuff, her stuff,my grans stuff lots of memorys and a double garage full of my husbands stuff added too it all. - the cellar and the loft are full of it - so it isnt just metaphorically that i have feared opening doors and turning on lights because without the people in my life who the stuff belonged too i have attached emotions too their stuff.Over the years i have sometimes opened the door and moved some of it then got stuck and slammed shut the door again.
The thing is when we lose some-one that close too us,its as though the foundations under us crumble - we cannot control this,and so perhaps we then seek that control in other areas of our life,to stay in control we need to feel safe and to do that we keep on shutting that lid and are terrified to open it. We then become anxious and also more inclined to stick to something we believe is safe which then affects our realtionships with other people and our work, we can sometimes try to detach from the people who are left, because we are building a suit of armour so we wont be so badly hurt ourselves - actually i think we are kidding ourselves that we have done that - and our behaviour towards them perhaps reflects that too and also perhaps with work - in my case anyway, we stick to what we feel is safe -i work as a graphic designer for a single company i know what is going to be accepted, i work with that and dont push the boundaries the way i used too and so am less inspired but it feels more safe because what i create wont be rejected , i dont know what you do for work, but perhaps you are not grabbing opportunities the way you would have in the past.
Anxiety became a major thing for me, but over the years i have built up props and defences to overcome that anxiety so it hasnt stopped me doing most of the things i wanted too, and those things were often centred around the people whose wings i had hidden under -and who were now gone - because i started to think about them differently, not as people who were lost to me but people who i was so lucky to have had in my life and who i should honor with mine - if you look at the natural world, take birds for example the parents work really hard to feed and nurture the babies then they fledge and they continue to care for them feed them teach them to fly further and safer then let them go - their job is done but they trust that the youngsters will continue to build on that work and to continue that cycle because they have put in that effort, and in the same way, your mum and mine would want us to do the same - and with my husband i thought imagine for one millisecond there was an afterlife and we did meet again how much better the conversation would be if i had actually done something worth talikng about - so i started to do things we talked about but didnt get around too, and things we used to love doing together and to do that i had to build up this set of props, and if there is no afterlife then its disapointing but either way i will at least have done something with my life,but by doing that, we can also re-attach to those still around us, talk about your mum to your wife and son, particularly your son as children are not so afraid as us adults of treading on eggshells,maybe take him somewhere your mum took you when you were nine and make her real for him too, not as some-one who tragically died but as some-one who joyfully lived by sharing the memorys of the place funny things that happened what she said and did, the picnic that went wrong all those kinds of things that was their life and the things we loved about them, even the slightly annoying things at the time.
I would really like to not have to fight these battles with anxiety all the time just to be able to do things which for many people is a normal activity that they dont have to think about.
perhaps building the props was the first stage though - things like having a camera and creating a series of shots to make a collection focussed my mind on what i was doing and not what others around were doing, were they looking at me, wondering why i was there did i look "sad" middle aged woman on her own - silly things i know but real to me - but a role would also give appaerance od a reson d,etre when i was in a public space, - doing free online courses increased my knowledge on different subjects so i had more confidence in being able to hold a conversation should i need too, that kind of thing and all useful tools to have.
This week i have opened the real cellar door and switched on the light and discovered that actually clearing it has been less painful than i thought because i have my daughter over here at the moment who is helping me do it,and as you say your wife is your soul mate there are ways in which she will be able to help too, if you can bring yourself to talk to her about what is really going on as i finally have with my daughter, you may find your relationship is stronger and improves, because if you dont tell her what is going on she cant help you and may feel more cut off from you.
Opening the door has also made me realise that keeping a lid on it wasnt in fact keeping control of my life and being safer at all, but the stuff was controlling me, it was controlling how i used the space and how i kept my house compartmentalised because i didnt want anyone to have the chance to open the door and see those hidden stashes.
I think once you find ways to re-attach with those who have died,by remembering their whole lives and how much they contributed to yours and embracing those memorys not just by yourself but by sharing them with others still living, and focus on their lives and what they would want for yours rather than the end of their life, you may also find when you do switch the attic light on it is not so terrible as you fear it will be.
