Author Topic: Does anyone know how I can help a mentally ill relative deal with loss  (Read 2203 times)

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Offline jackie11

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Hi there, my dad passed away about 7 weeks ago, my mum has mental health issues and the only people she interacts with are me and my brother, I live quite far away, but I am going to see my mum and brother every other weekend. My mum doesn't hardly know how to do anything. She can just about take care of herself. I have recently brought her a smartphone of which I hope she actually uses. I don't know where to begin, she really needs to build some kind of life for herself, she literally just smokes, reads and knits and helps out with the washing and wiping up. Thats it! She won't hardly go out, she will come out for a walk with me sometimes but not always, she very very rarely will come to the pub with us. Shes quite timid. She has been depressed most of her life, and has upon occasion taken an overdose. Has anyone here been in the kind of situation before? I want to know how I can help her.

Many thanks
Jackie

Offline Sandra61

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Re: Does anyone know how I can help a mentally ill relative deal with loss
« Reply #1 on: February 22, 2019, 12:01:55 AM »
Hi Jackie,

I don't know of anything specific you could try, but wonder if your doctor might or perhaps if you contact MIND, they may be able to recommend something you could try. Does she have any friends who might be willing to spend some time talking to her or pop in regularly. I know when I was first bereaved, one of the things that helped the most was getting out of the house for a while and having someone to talk to. I hope you get some better advice from others, but I think having company for a few hours a week can make a big difference.

Wishing you all well. :hearts:

Offline jackie11

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Re: Does anyone know how I can help a mentally ill relative deal with loss
« Reply #2 on: February 22, 2019, 08:43:41 AM »
Hi Sandra61, thank you for your reply. Unfortunately my mum doesn't have any friends, the only people she interacts with are me and my brother, her sister phones her almost everyday which is something but she lives quite far as well. My mum said someone from the mental health services have been in touch with her about bereavement and said she is waiting for a letter from them but it seems to be coming a bit slow. I wish she would change her ways and make a friend, it would make such a difference to her.

Offline Karena

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Re: Does anyone know how I can help a mentally ill relative deal with loss
« Reply #3 on: February 22, 2019, 01:53:42 PM »
Hi Jackie -I think 7 weeks is really early days  for anyone.
When my husband died i functioned at that stage i went to work because i had to work - but i couldnt have even considered making any attempt to create any kind of social life - so in a way what i am saying is at this point i dont think your mums mental health issues necessarilly make this something which isnt normal and familiar to many of us here,But they may make it more difficult to move forward over time. 

I struggle with social anxiety  i always have really -but while he was alive he was always the person i hid behind and that made it ok, and through him and us being in a camping club i was lucky i did have some friends who helped me but they didnt live nearby and the village we lived in where i at least knew my neighbours, i had to leave because i couldnt afford to stay in the house so there were a lot of changes to deal with.

For some going out. making friends trying new things and talking to others -socialising is helpful and is what pulls them through but we are not all the same and for some of us it takes so much longer.
I did try and i forced myself to join a couple of things when i moved here - mainly because people said i should - but it actually made things worse - i stood in a corner and people knew each other but no-one approached me and i didnt have the confidence too aproach them so returned home feeling even more isolated than if i hadnt gone out.

A breakthrough came when there was a conversation on here about going out and eating alone - and whether we would dare do it - some went on and did it but my post was that i couldnt ever imagine i would be able too - and then it occurred to me that i didnt need too - it wasnt something i had any desperate desire for and anywhere there is a restaurant these days there is a sandwhich shop, the penny dropped that sometimes we put up hurdles that we dont actually have to leap to get somewhere and then fall at those hurdles and that for some of us this journey is less about learning to do something which goes against our nature and more about learning to live with who we are - and that it is possible to be alone without  necessarilly being lonely all the time -but if we have a goal, a place we want to be, then we can build up to finding a way to get there.

I have a daughter on the other side of the world and to see her i had to travel there on my own and again i had to overcome each hurdle a bit at a time one of the major ones being panic attacks i have done it many times now and still get  a lot of anxiety before a flight, but being prepared - knowing the right things are in the plastic bag exactly which pocket the passport is in helps - flights are full of lone travellers no-one is looking or wondering - sometimes fellow passenger will start a conversation other times not either is now fine.

I also have SAD so spend half the year struggling with depression - one of the things that helps with all of this is the natural world - just something as simple as a bird feeder (if you can get one where she can see it and re-fill it ) can helps raise our head and look outside and bring a smile.If she has access too outside get her out on a sunny day - just sitting outside (she can knit out there) can help.
Another thing i did was online courses - you dont have to be intellectual, there are all sorts of options theyre free and there isnt a big commitment so if you think you made a mistake you can just drop it and find another one -  i,m currently doing poetry writing not because i want to be a poet or even think i,m that good - but with all of them it is a way of focussing your mind on something - and with the futurelearn courses you do communicate with other students through writing on line - you dont have to leave the house you never meet them but it is still socialising and a great way to build some confidence - they dont criticise they tell you when they think something is good and so you get a better view of yourself.

For your mum if she is always knitting maybe she could knit for a specific purpose - i know there was a thing when people knitted remembrance day poppys and posted them - its a starting point - or she could knit things for a charity shop or school fete and get out of the house just to take them in there, then later after that maybe there is a local knitting group and that common point of interest can be where she makes a friend.Starting with tiny steps and building up at her own pace is probably going to be the way forward for her.
 
If she will go for a walk then is walking something she enjoys is that something you could build on.? - going to the pub on the other hand is something, that for me anyway, would have been way too difficult to even consider,  its something on the extreme end of the anxiety spectrum,  but its normal for most people, so maybe difficult to understand. Maybe in the summer a walk in the direction of one that has an outside area  with you and your brother, and then calling in for a beer but sitting outside is a more achievable step for her.

I think its wonderful that you and your brother are trying so hard to help her, and i am sure she appreciates it too, and the mental health team will also help when they get in touch, as things stand at the moment as i said its early days and I think the best way forward for you is to try smaller steps - make sure she knows you are both there for her at all times, but also in time maybe happen to "find" a cause that needs people to knit something and say you thought she might be interested and build up from there then let her carry on building with your support. - or if she can get outside, get her that bird feeder and make being outside, but close enough to the door to move back in quickly, that first step.