BEREAVEMENTUK SUPPORT FORUM
Bereavement Support Posts => Please Post In This Bereavement Support Posting Room => Topic started by: Cairo on April 05, 2016, 08:49:32 PM
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Six weeks ago this afternoon I received a telephone call from the hospital. I thought they were going to tell me my husband finally had a bed in the specialist unit he'd been waiting for 10 days. Instead they told me he was being taken in for emergency surgery and was so weak there was a risk he wouldn't survive. I rushed to the hospital but he was already in theatre so I didn't have a chance to see him or say goodbye. He died in intensive care the following morning.
Just a few days before he'd had a drain put in and had been in a lot of pain. He telephoned me late that evening to tell me not to worry; he wasn't going to die. He joked about it. In the end that wasn't true and I don't know if he realised it. I don't know if he was scared or if he just thought he'd have the operation and recover. That phone call haunts me.
I was with him when he died but he wasn't conscious. I saw him in his coffin at the Chapel of Rest. So why is it that I can still expect him to come home? That I think it's him on the phone?
I was used to him being away at sea and being on my own so I thought I could handle this better. I know a lot of the time I'm still in a state of shock and disbelief. We had so many plans for this year and I can't believe he won't be with me. How long does it take before you stop thinking it's all a mistake or a bad dream?
I am managing to work 3 - 4 hours a day and it's helping me to have something to focus on. I have been out a few times with friends and enjoyed some of it. I'm making plans to be back in the UK for several weeks this summer and bringing my dog with me which will be a major expedition via Amsterdam and Hook of Holland. Everyone tells me I'm doing okay and I'm being brave. But I fall apart every day and miss him so badly. They don't see that.
My husband was a Falklands veteran and used to say he felt he had to live his life to the full to make up for those who had died in 82. A strange thing happened when I was on the way to his funeral. I felt him telling me that he was handing the baton onto me now, and I had to live my life to the full to make up for him losing his. I really want to do that for him but there is a great empty hole in my life and I'm filled with such sadness and regret.
I know from reading other posts that what I'm feeling is all normal but I wanted to write my thoughts and feelings. People ask me how I am but I can't answer them and tell them. What do you say?
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:hug:
So much of what you write rings true with me. The plans for the future, the not saying goodbye, the expecting them to come home. I wish I knew the answers to your questions but I don't think anybody does. I guess we all have to work our way through this painful process at our own speed and accept that it will take as long as it takes but we will reach a point where it doesn't hurt as much.
As for people asking how you are that is an impossible question for me to answer. I don't know how I am from one minute to the next. I usually use the phrase "bearing up" for most people which seems to be the answer they expect. :undecided:
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I usually use the phrase "bearing up" for most people which seems to be the answer they expect.
Well I decided from the outset to try to be honest. If people don't want to know, perhaps they shouldn't ask but I'm not saying I'm alright when I'm not! It's surprised me because I've had hugs and tears and understanding from friends, neighbours and relatives but nobody has reacted badly when I've replied something like,"Not very good. I'm having a really bad time of it at the moment." I've stood in the aisle in Sainsbury in floods of tears with one of Chris' carers from the Hospice and felt better afterwards knowing that she really truly cared. I might be lucky with ny friends and acquaintances but it's worked for me....
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Cairo when i moved i hung his dressing gown on the bedroom door and put his slippers by the bed,because even though i watched him die i was waiting for him to come back, i even spun myself a ridiculous little story as i did it that he was working away doing something very important for an indefinate period.Maybe because we so want to get rid of the pain and to be able to function and want it not to have happened it's our brains way of protecting ourselves.
I also found it difficult to answer people honestly, to this day i still automatically answer ok even when i,m not,perhaps thats a form of denial too, a hope that if we say it often enough we will believe it ourselves.
Your trip sounds very adventurous, i also decided to live my life for both of us.and i try hard to fulfill that. for me, because i am not good at socialising,I feel as though i need legitimacy to be somewhere carrying a camera has become my prop for that and works for me because i like travel and nature. I remember a discussion here about eating out alone,I could not walk into a restaurant and eat alone but then i realised it doesnt matter because i,m happier to grab a sandwhich and eat on the go.My attempts to join things locally failed, because i didnt "fit in" i used to think there was something wrong with me, but in reality that didnt matter either, because i really didnt want to do that activity, it was just things others think you "ought to do" so my advice would be chose the things that matter to you and avoid distress over things that are not important to you.
I dont think anything has plugged that gaping hole or ever will. but if you think of it like a crator, it remains through all time, but crators form part of the structure of our world New life forms around their edges,, they green over and become less stark, it doesnt happen overnight, nature decides what will grow there and how long it will take,we are conditioned to have goals and timescales in our society the "fifve year plan" and it is difficult to let go of that, but nature doesnt conform to those human goals it goes its own way.
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I've realised that the times I feel least in pain are when I'm most in denial. I don't know what to do about it, whether to just let things take their course or to try to make myself face reality. I have a good meditation tape that helps me release my tears so I'm trying to listen to that each day.
I think one of the challenges of life after bereavement is finding out who you are now. I know I'll never be the same person I was a few weeks ago. I'll be a sadder one but I hope a better one. Lots of things that seemed important now seem totally unimportant. I've always been a bit of a rebel so goodness knows where my life will take me once I'm stronger.
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I think you must do what is best for you,but in my view our brains are very clever they trigger our instincts fight our flight in order to protect us and i think denial is part of the same thing.in order to reduce shock and enable us to function at all.like if you take the cap off a boiling radiator you don't just do it or you will get burnt so you allow it to cool and then release it slowly one turn at a time,I know the feeling of wanting to rush the process along ,you don't want to keep feeling so awful and would do anything to feel better.
If you broke a leg badly six weeks in you probably wouldn't have got out of bed yet,then you would have to learn to walk again weeks even months of physio then maybe some days it would feel better but others you are in so much pain you don't leave the sofa.Its going to be a long time before you run and even longer before you run a marathon,you may always limp.you would accept that but maybe not straight away so you decide to leap out of bed you didn't make the leg better you might even have delayed the healing.In the same way a physical injury needs to heal, your heart and mind need to heal.There is no plaster or crutches but the process is the same.Be kind to yourself,be patient with yourself let the healing take its course,be determined that one day you will run again,and be assured you will.when you can do that then you can chose which direction.
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Thanks that's a very good way of looking at it. You're right. I want to hurry everything along because I don't want to feel awful like this.
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:hug:
Big hug for you today Cairo. Hope you feel a bit better than yesterday.
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Thank you. I am feeling better today than yesterday.
We ordered replacement windows and doors last month and the men arrived to start fitting them today. They were the last items George and I chose together and the last major job on our house that we've been renovating for the past eight years.
The new front and back doors are in and two windows so far. Of course I want to take photos and email them to George as I know he'd want to see them. Not sure if I can resist doing it and it wouldn't do any harm ...
I had decided at six weeks I'd get in touch with PALS again to get his medical records. I didn't think I could face doing it before. Now I still can't face it but I know I will want to find out exactly what happened and why he didn't get the transfer his consultant recommended. Putting it off for a few more days though.
One of the worries yesterday was to do with when and where we'll scatter his ashes. He'd been at sea all his life in one way or another and wanted to have his ashes scattered at sea. I'd planned to scatter them here where he's been sailing and teaching for the past 15 years, probably early July around his birthday. Lots of staff and friends want to attend. Then I found out yesterday he could have a free formal Royal Navy ceremony but only in three places in the UK. He didn't serve for any length of time in any of them so there's no real connection. Today I'm pretty sure he'd prefer my original idea but yesterday I panicked in case he'd like the full RN thing and how on earth I'd organise it and who would be able to attend.
Feeling calmer today. Still had a couple of weepy moments and I dare say I'll have another tonight but definitely an improvement on yesterday.
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So glad your having a better day. Must be a bit of a turmoil today with window fitters all over the place. I'm sure wherever you decide to scatter the ashes would be where George would have wanted. You know his wishes better than anybody. :heart:
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I agree about the ashes and I think it would be more personal,more about him than a formal military occasion,somewhere it is more personal and where you remember him being and go back too comfortably if you chose too in the future.My GP once told me I needed a place to mourn.
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What you say, Cairo, touches a chord. My daughter in law has to oversee jobs in the house Graham and she booked even though he isn`t ever going to see them but she is trying to live the dreams they had together. And his ashes - maybe it sounds odd - but we divided them into three. One part is in Cyprus - they were to move there - one in our town cemetary and the other part still with her. Do what you know you and he would prefer. You have been through so much by the sound of it, bless you.
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Feeling very relieved at the moment as the past three days have been quite bearable. I have a deep sadness inside all the time and there have still been tears each day but also something which, while I couldn't call it normality, was certainly not so painful.
I'm so lucky. My friends and family have been wonderful to me. We have a big garden and on Saturday two couples we were very friendly with arrived as a work party to weed and prune. I prepared lunch for everyone which made me cook. Upsetting to lay a table for five instead of six but that's another 'first' faced. Then on Sunday two friends who are both widowed invited me to join them for lunch. Today I managed to do 5 hours at work. Definitely feel better for it.
I know from other posts that it could all come tumbling down again at any time but I'm enjoying the respite while it lasts. Some of it is still being partly in denial for sure. I keep thinking I'll phone George later to tell him this or that ...
I've also felt he's been speaking to me very clearly about a number of things. That's difficult for me to accept as I'm not religious and don't really believe in any afterlife, although I try to keep an open mind. It may just be my sub-conscious. But he has told me to get on with his memorial and scattering his ashes at sea. Also he keeps saying "Live for me, Mel. You're strong. You've got to live for the two of us now" It makes me cry because he always lived his life to the full, whereas I sometimes just cruised along.
One of the things I feel he wants me to do is to participate in the ARC next year, which is crossing the Atlantic in a yacht. I'd sometimes said I would like to do it before I was 70 and couldn't get insurance, but I'm **** scared really so don't know if I have the nerve.
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Thats great to hear :hug: those are the days that bring us strength and help us through the rollercoaster lows. Slowly and steadily the better days become more frequent
I do believe we hear from our loved ones xx
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I've also felt he's been speaking to me very clearly about a number of things. That's difficult for me to accept as I'm not religious and don't really believe in any afterlife, although I try to keep an open mind.
Whoa.... they could be my words. I'm a lifelong sceptic but just lately I've had the same feeling, and I've started replying as well. I put it down to my mind coming up with something to satisfy a craving.
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I reply as well ...
Probably our sub-conscious so we're talking to ourselves but I think what I hear is definitely what he'd say. You know your loved one so well it's easy to imagine what they'd say to you if they could speak to you and it certainly doesn't do any harm.
What I think is that it's honouring the memory that you have inside and letting it guide you.
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I never believed in an afterlife but I do find myself talking to Margaret quite a lot when I am alone or walking the dog. I can even imagine her saying things like "why didn't you do the washing up while I was there?". It's probably just my imagination but it gives me small moments of comfort.
I am pleased to hear that your weekend was OK. It's always reassuring to hear when someone else on this terrible journey has a break from the pain.
:hug:
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The past three days were definitely an improvement but I know it could be temporary. Everyone is different so don't be concerned if you don't feel any better for a while. I could plunge back into despair in a few months whereas you may feel more optimistic by then.
What I do believe very strongly is that, if you keep working your way through the grief, accepting the pain and all the other feelings, but remaining determined to build a future for yourself, you will eventually succeed. It's the timescale that can't be predicted.
We each have different life experiences, different resources of strength, different amounts of support, and there are differences in the manner in which we were bereaved and the things that happen to us subsequently. Each journey is unique but if we keep travelling we'll each discover a new landscape ahead. You can give in to the pain when it hits but you must never give up.
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You know your loved one so well it's easy to imagine what they'd say to you
It was a constant source of irritation to Chris that I didn't speak much. I always used to say that we didn't need to speak because we knew what the other was thinking. Sometimes I used to answer her questions before she had asked them. When pressed she always had to admit that, yes that was what she was going to say or ask. We were almost telepathic.
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I dont think you have to be religious to believe in an afterlife i think we have become so used to demanding proof for everything and being laughed at for believing what is outside current institutional standards - whether it is science or religion.
We have forgotten to believe in our own experiences and instincts and have forgotten to accept that some things we just dont know,but not knowing makes all things possible and creates a freedom of belief we are unacustomed too,but should embrace.
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You are right about the timescale Cairo.
We are all on the same journey and aiming for the same place but some will have a longer journey than others. Whichever path we take there will be obstacles and resting places but we will get there in the end.
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Yes we will but there may be many hills to climb on the way.
I'm not feeling too good today. Met a couple of people who knew my husband and ended up crying because they were talking about him. This morning before work, when I was feeling stronger, I printed off the form to apply for his medical records but I don't feel up to completing it tonight.
I did sort out one of his polo-shirts and dressing gown to send off to make memory bears for our two little grand-daughters though. Think I may have one made for myself as well but I'll get theirs done first.
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So sorry to hear today has been tough for you :hug:
I know how you feel about filling in forms. I did a few online last night and had to force myself through them. I just don't have any appetite for dealing with officialdom. :undecided:
The memory bears sounds a great idea. At the moment I have one of Margaret's dressing gowns in a cushion which I like to cuddle when I need a bit of comfort. I also sleep with it as it makes the bed less empty.
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I usually get up sometime between 5am and 6am and open the bedroom door. My Labrador, Bonnie, comes and joins me on the bed and I like that. Don't feel so alone when it's time to get up.
Couldn't face the form at all tonight but have promised myself I'll do it in the morning.
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Little billy, the Jack Russell, sleeps in my bed all night. Always has done since he was big enough to get onto it and Margaret and I too scared to chase him off. It's a bit of a mixed blessing. On the one hand he snuggles up behind my legs and keeps me warm but on the other he keeps getting in and out of bed depending on how warm he gets and, if he gets caught short, it's horrible being woken in the dark by a Jack russells tongue in your ear. :shocked:
My advice for the form is put it aside it till you can face it. Don't put a time on doing it because, in my case at least, it only leads to disappointment when it doesn't get done. :hug:
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:hug: Form filling is a pet hate of mine -why has something which used to be so mundane become such a chore, i can only conclude because there is no-one to look over your shoulder or help you understand whats required with some of the more obscure questions.
yes crazy isnt it dog keeping you awake all night. I sleep dpwnstairs because mine is too old for the stairs once he sets off down he cant stop and i,m scared what will happen at the bottom but darnt go first in case he sets off too soon and takes me with him, then neither of us will be any good.But the bed setee is 20 years old and really getting past it i,m at the stage of being dependant on a pile of books to prop it up and the matress is hopeless -but its low to the ground so he can kind of slide off without the big impact on his legs when he lands and he finds it comfortable so i will have to put up with it until i can find and equally low one somewhere.