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Bereavement Support Posts => Please Post In This Bereavement Support Posting Room => Topic started by: mike59 on November 01, 2016, 08:42:29 AM
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This is the Time of the Year we all who have lost Loved ones find so Very hard, I know I am it would have been our 39th Anniversary
on November 5th, I will Celebrate it with my children hopefully either way I am going to get My wife a Card and a Present to put by her Ashes in my Living Room, if you didnt know I Lost my Wife to Lung Cancer on 28th Febuary 20126 and will never get over it. she was my Life and I feel mine is also Loosing its Spark Im having really bad days and having problems to recoverIve Lost Interest in everything,I have 3 wonderful children(adults) 2 with there own children my oldest son Lives with me which is my main reason for carrying on,I know there are others of you who are or have been in a simular situation, but these anniversaries are so hard to cope with I dread my wedding Anniversary but i have to celebrate it because not do I love my wife so much I cannot see into the future, sorry for the Rant but I had to Post this as I havent been on to post very much, GodBless all of you. xxx
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I fully empathise with you Mike, that could have been me writing that, anniversaries can be tough, I was dreading ours 2mths ago which would have been our 49th, and like you I also bought a card and placed it on her casket in the lounge. I did have a small cry but it wasn't as bad as I thought it might have been.
My wife also died from lung cancer (4th April) as you probably know, it is tough to carry on, it really is, because there's been times when I didn't want to do so, and I'm sure you've likely felt the same at times Mike, but we have to try.
It's 7mths for me on 4th November, and I've been trying to get out more, I even paid £59 for 3mths membership on a over 60's dating site last week, but I'm just kidding myself, it's far too early because in reality I'm still grieving, so this morning I deleted everything and cancelled my account.
It's good your children still keep in touch, and AYS Mike having the one son at home may be helping a little too. I think my 2 sons emigrated to another planet after their Mum passed away, my daughter however has been brilliant, so I'll likely be going down to Cornwall for a couple days with them over Xmas.
This past week has been 'a woe is me week', feeling depressed and sorry for myself, I'm usually a very positive and confident type of guy, but not at the moment, but I know I have to keep trying, because I know where the path I'm on is heading. :sad: and you have to do the same.
Hopefully Mike, we can all reach a stage eventually where life becomes bearable again, I wish you strength my friend, and I've likely depressed you more instead of giving you support....sorry Mike.
It's times like this when we have to revert back to..Taking it a day at a time.
You take care Mike, and have a man-hug from me. :hug:
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Hi Mike, it's strange but we are at a similar stage and over the past few weeks have felt a lot worse. This has lifted slightly but it wouldn't take much to go down again. I wonder if this is yet another 'normal' stage in our grief? Also putting the clocks back and Xmas coming all combine to this feeling. Plus you have an Anniversary to overcome. I found that the day itself for me wasn't as traumatic as the lead up to it. Not easy but not as bad as I was dreading. Keep talking and pouring things out on here, we can see each other through X
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What Julie states is right, I think for a lot of us on here who have lost their husband or wife this year, Xmas is going to be very difficult, I'm absolutely dreading it. It's normally a time of great happiness, I used to look forwards to Xmas, but this Xmas for many of us on here I fear it will be a time of great sadness, damn, it's not even here yet and I'm getting depressed. :cray:
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Thankyou both Brian and Julie, you are Both very right in everything you both say I have just found out from a little bird that the kids are arranging a little Family Get together just me and my children and Grand children,Im not supposed to know its just to help celebrate my wedding Anniversary I really dont think its a Celebration without Gail my wife makes me cry typing this, as you Both know and feel How much we miss Our Loved ones, Brian I dont think you are feeling sorry for your self at all it showes how much you loved your Wife, anyways Thankyou Both again.
:hug: :hug: ..... Mike xx
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Aw that is lovely of your family, but I understand totally when you say it won't be a celebration for you, how can it be. They must accept that there will be tears.
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As Julie mentioned its not just Xmas or anniversary's,for me its his birthday,but the clocks going back the darker nights and the cold.They never seemed as bad when they meant smuggling up on the sofa in front of a warm fire.
I have found there were things I lost interest in,but I did try and do other things,and some things I have gone back too that I couldn't be bothered with in the earlier days.
The other day I came across
a costume I made for him I put so much work into and enjoyed it,but even though I have been to the event it was made for since its been a case of throwing something together no effort going in, it would have been the same this year and finding his costume like that is something that once upon a time would have ended in floods of tears.
But looking at it I could almost hear him saying look at what you used to do,the hours you put in for me,the skills you learned and are now wasted and do it for yourself.
I have been engrossed making one ever since.
So what I,m trying to say is that eventually something that could create pain doesn't always and even though they're not here they can still inspire us .
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We all dread our 'special days' but I have found that the dread is mainly worse than the actual day is. Minot saying those days aren't upsetting, they certainly are, but they aren't as bad as we imagine them to be beforehand. Among the tears are the memories and they are the most precious things we have.
So don't celebrate mike but do take some time to go over some of those fond memories with your family and you may even find a bit of happiness, perhaps even laughter, among the tears.
Take care
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So many of the things you said in your post could have come straight out of my mouth Mike. My current 'worry' is how I'm going to get through Christmas. I keep telling everybody that I'm going to bed and don't disturb me until March :smiley:
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Sounds like a plan to me George
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Sounds like a plan to me George
I don't think I'm going to be allowed to get away with it though :smiley:
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To paraphrase the villains in Scooby Doo "We might have got away with it if it wasn't for those pesky kids" :grin:
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Something, I've never mentioned, but often when I go to bed at night, I'll snuggle down, pull the bedclothes around me to try and get warm quicker. Then I close my eyes and try and see if I can see her face in that blackness, I've noticed I rarely dream now, and I would really love to have a dream about her, maybe seeing her in it, it would be so nice. The theory being that if I'm thinking about her as I nod off, then maybe it might lead to that dream, but sadly it never happens. :cry:
Any of you ever had that illusive dream ? the one I'd love to have myself....just wondered..
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Good morning Brian,
I've dreamt about Chris on occasion and I've heard her voice calling my name out in the way she used to when she was trying to make me stir myself :smiley:. That's only when I'm in in that half awake state you go through before being fully awake though.
I used to loved to snuggle up in bed at night. I was/am always warm and she was always like a block of ice. As I fall asleep I imagine she's there and I've noticed that sometimes now I actually feel as if she is. It's very comforting. Keep trying :smiley:
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I have a Pillow that Gail ( my wife) used to take it everywhere we went even on Holidays, I have to sleep with that pillow Because I know if the Pillow is near me Gail isnt far Behind Hopefully next to me, I have had a few Dreams about her Recently but most of the time it wakes me up.
Take care all ......Mike x :hug:
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I've had a couple of dreams about Alan but not comforting ones, he is always in hospital clothes and has his back turned from me, woke myself up screaming his name once to make him turn round (probably dreamt that bit). As I'm in that waking up thing I think I can hear him coughing and moving about, then reality hits home again.
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That's sad Julie, we need every moment of respite and little bit of comfort we can get whether it's real or imagined :hug:
I got comfort from being in the house right from the start, I had worried about how I would react to being in the house after Chris had gone but it was OK, in fact I feel so close to her here that going out is my problem nowadays except when I've got something specific to go out for - like today when I have to go out to get my repeat prescriptions.
I've just had my bath taken out and a shower enclosure put in instead (couldn't get in and more importantly out of the bath!!) and I've also got to go out to choose some new carpet. Like I say, when there's a reason I do go out but not otherwise.
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Me too I'm afraid. I'm going to the pictures this afternoon with my sister but don't really want to go.
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It's nice that you guys have had dreams of your loved one, maybe it will happen to me one day...fingers xxx.
The idea of replacing the bath with a shower George is very practical, and much better when we get older. We bought a new build bungalow almost 10yrs ago and specified a full walk in shower instead of a bath, one of the best decisions I ever made. Especially as later Ann had to have both knee joints replaced, and in later years used elbow sticks to help with her walking. Plus I was also reaching a stage where it was becoming more of a struggle to get out of a bath.
Ann and I always did have a lot of holidays since I retired, and I've been away 4 times since she passed away, I do like driving, and still drive some very long trips indeed, I'm driving down to Spain in a couple of weeks. In reality of course I'm just moving my grieving in the bungalow to a hotel room somewhere.....the worst part is the loneliness. However I do go out often, for walks along the river, meals etc...and have been to the cinema about 6 or 7 times, my daughter and I went to watch the new Magnificent Seven film a couple weeks ago Julie...quite a good film too, as I like Denzil Washington.
Mike, I'm glad that pillow gives you comfort, I've tried sleeping on Ann's side of the bed a few times, just to feel a bit closer to her I suppose. We have 2 double wardrobes here, plus a triple wardrobe in the main bedroom, and that triple robe is mostly full of all her clothes, The draws at the bottom are still as she left them, her red cardigan is still on the back of a chair in our dining room. Her pink slippers are still the side of the bed by her bedside cabinet, her jewellery box is in the same place, nothings changed. It's 7mths in 2 days time, and I've thrown almost nothing out, other than donate about 15 handbags to a neighbour who volunteers in a local charity shop, those were in storage boxes under the bed..lol. I know it's something I have to do at some point, but not yet, I like having them here....does that sound silly.
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I have a walk in shower too it was done for me as an adaption as I am disabled I can walk a few steps with walking sticks,but the shower is a must for me. Brian my good friend you are not silly at all, I cannot change a thing in our bedroom I haven't changed a thing I also can't give away anything yet as I can't even go there just yet, we all have to try do what we all feel Comefortable with and what's best for you.
Best wishes.......Mike :hug:
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Sending you both a hug :hug: xx
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I've not had a dream about Margaret that I can remember but my counsellor reckons that I may have had dreams I don't remember when I have woken up crying.
Like mikes pillow I have a cushion with Margarets dressing gown in it that I sleep with. It gives me great comfort. Like Brian I like to try to imagine her before sleeping to try and 'seed' dreams but it doesn't happen. I can imagine the shadow of her head in the pillow next to me in the gloom sometimes which can be comforting or upsetting depending on how I am feeling at get time.
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Thanks guys, that's what's so unique about this site, it's why I decided to remain on here, we can share things, no matter how ridiculous or silly it sounds, that if we/I confided to perhaps some others, I'd likely be locked away in a padded room somewhere...lol
It echo's what that old gentleman told me who I met in the weeks after Anns passing when I was on holiday down in Paignton, he joined me on a bench overlooking the river Dart in Dartmouth, while I was drinking a cup of tea I'd bought from a cafe/kiosk nearby.
His name was John and had lost his wife 2 years previously, he was 86yrs and they were married for I think he said 63 or 64yrs.
He told me how he took his wife's casket containing her ashes out for a drive quite often, putting the passenger seatbelt across it to keep it safely in place, he also told me how he often talked to her. Before we parted, he said I can tell you Brian, but if I told anyone else they would likely lock me up....lol We shook hands and went our different ways, he went off to rejoin his daughter, and I went for a meal in the town a few hundred yards away. An hour or so later, I felt this tap on my shoulder, and it's this John who I had been talking to, and he pushed a scrap piece of paper in my hand on which he had scribbled his phone number, saying anytime you want to chat Brian, give me a ring, he was a lovely gentleman, and we have chatted over the phone about 4 or 5 times now, and I feel he enjoys those chats as much as I do. Next time I'm down that way, I intend to take him out for a meal, as it will be nice to meet up again, because I owe that elderly gentleman an awful lot.
I've mentioned this encounter with John before in another topic some months ago but thought I'd share it again. One comment he made stood out in my mind, which was... I can tell you things Brian, which I wouldn't dream of telling anyone else, and the motto of that true story, is how I feel about this forum, something we all share I suspect. You have to have gone through it to truly empathise, because many others truly don't understand.
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That is Lovely Brian it actually made me cry, there are some very Genuine people out there,I totally agree this site many times (has saved my Bacon) the most common thing Here most if not all feel the same way one time or another. I think inf the truth was said I can't do without this site even though sometimes I cannot Post here but I read every post written, I Sincerley want too meet as many of you as I can either to Than You or Just to put a face to a name God Bless you All.
:hug: .....Mike
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There was a time, a little while ago Mike, where I was beginning to question whether coming on often was actually good for me, you may have read a couple of those posts. I think I titled one topic 'Time to say goodbye', simply because sometimes I found myself crying when I read of other peoples experiences, and when posting sometimes, obviously because although we try and put on a brave face, sometimes it just hits us, and you Mike and others will know exactly what I mean. IOW I went through a stage where I found it a little distressing coming on here.
However, the benefits of this site, far outweigh my own negative thoughts which I had for a short while, who am I to deprive anyone of that same support, comfort and assurance you guys showed to me.
"SO... A REALLY BIG THANK YOU TO ALL THE PEOPLE WHO KEEP THIS SITE RUNNING!"
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"SO... A REALLY BIG THANK YOU TO ALL THE PEOPLE WHO KEEP THIS SITE RUNNING!"
Seconded Brian.
I can now just sit back and rest because you and Mike are putting my own thoughts into words for me. I've stopped being surprised by now how often a post says exactly what's going on or has recently passed through my own mind. We're all the same aren't we :smiley:
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it is said that grief is personal and that the way each of us grieve is unique but there does seem to be a lot of common experiences.
The beauty of this site is that those of us who are between waves can offer a lifeline to those caught up in them knowing that the line will be passed back when we need it.
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I too have 'those' thoughts occasionally. In the early days I couldn't understand why I was being careful trying to cross the road, why I keep eating etc. if I wanted to 'go'. There is such a strong survival instinct in us isn't there? There must be a reason why we are here, and why we DO keep going against all the odds. I still have those thoughts sometimes, I bet most of us do so I am trying to think of it as yet another 'stage' in this horrible journey and that one day it will get easier.
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I certainly had them but also went through a phase of being quite careless,not just neglecting myself but crossing the road without looking lucky the traffic is slow here because I got beeped at a couple of times and realised what I had done. Just stepped out .It wasn't deliberate just so stuck in my own bubble of misery I just wasn't aware what I was doing but once I was I didn't care either.I thought perhaps an accident would be less hurtful to people who cared.How selfish was that.You can't have an accident and not involve someone else in some distressing way,but I wasn't thinking straight about anything.
When I did wake up too it.I had been given some antidepressants I took one literally as prescribed and the effect was horrendous I was hallucinating I couldn't breathe I couldn't move to phone for help and all I was thinking was if i die that everyone would assume it was deliberate what I would put my family through,the friends who had supported me,including people here.Eventually it wore off and I realised I wanted to live no matter how bad things felt for me, it was better to live..The tablets went straight down the loo I think it must have been some allergic reaction but I havnt touched an antidepressant since.
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In the early days I had the thoughts and actually did research on the best ways to end it all. When I told the counselling service they nearly had me sectioned. Some nights I was on to the Samaritans for hours. Strange thing is that even though I was so obsessed I don't think I would have gone through with it. It just gave me comfort to know there was an exit route if things got too much.
More worrying are my lone visits to the grave. I have always found it upsetting and have kept away. This has had the effect of me only going when I am already at a very low point and going there makes me even worse. At those times I have found myself acting on spur if the moment decisions and only stopping because people were around.
I guess if I actually think about it I'm not going to do it. It's what I could do without thinking that frightens me.
:undecided:
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In reality Hubby, I think many of us have those thoughts, but for various reasons we never act on them, because that's what they are, just thoughts, and of course none of us want to cause even more upset to members of our family, so we pick ourselves up and move on.
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I agree in what you both said and feel Im sure that there is a reason for Feeling the way we do,Ive also Been there After Gail had passed I had a terrible time with Faith for years I hadnt any Because of a bad Situation when I was very young and It involved Sunday school, one day I will explain that story. but I did contact my Local church because of a lovely lady on this Forum Helped me to Decide I will always be in her Debt, contacting the church I got Total Solice I felt very comfortable, unfortunatley my Health had failed me in the past few months after a simple Groin Hernia operation my physical well being has been Low as well as my Mental state ( deep Depression) somthing I know a lot about, at one Point in time a few months ago I am on over 30+ tablets a Day for several Complaints I have, I sat there alone my son was out I was so very Low I put all my tablets on the Table and Thought well Gail Im on my way to you Now, it was fairly late at night about midnight, I opend all the bottles and emptied my Blister pack, then that bloody telephone rang Being me I had to answer it , my daughter was 7 months pregnant with an IVF Baby she had a few problem she telephoned for reassurance, which I gave her of course I couldnt leave it there I had to run over to see her, I was there half an hour,there were a Lot of things going through my Mind at that time Driving back Home ( I cant even remember driving that night but trust me I cried my Eyes out and the Noises I made were awful, after that night I began to try think Possative, My grand daughter for one how could I be so selfish to all my family but when we are all so Low its easy to slip into our own world, sorry to rant on ( I know I run on too much at times) but Like you all I have some Idea how you feel and can recognise everything you say, this is why its such a good thing to try let your feelings known on here somone always responds one way or another, we shouldnt suffer alone if you know what I mean. take care all of you you lovely people.
mike :hug:
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Before you edit it out, just wanted to say a big thank you for being so very honest about the whole thing. I know many of us contemplate, or have contemplated, the s word.
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That's why I decided to ban myself completely from alcohol.I didn't drink much before and very rarely now ,but I didn't trust myself to stop if I started or to not do something regrettable if I did get to that tipping point .
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Your right Karena, I don't normally drink either, that was a one off never to be repeated....I hope.
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Thanks for that post Brian. I think it shows that the times when We aren't thinking clearly, whether that be because our minds are clouded by grief, alcohol or whatever, are the most dangerous times for us.
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Hi Every one, I have not been on the forum for several weeks,but reading all your thoughts and feelings is exactly how I have been feeling,my Pat passed away 9/4/16 since then my life as been a turmoil of emotions,I have just gone through our 52nd Wedding Anniversary 3 Oct then my darlings Birthday 7Nov,now coming up Xmas,I cant bring myself to go Xmas shopping so I have took the easy way out and given Money to my Son and family to get what they want.Dreading all that Xmas brings I feel that life is at a standstill I feel so lost and on my own,I speak with my Son daily and see him 2/3 times a week,this o/k but when I am on my own with my thoughts of past happy times that is when it comes home to me that I am alone in this world,my Pat is back Home with me and I always talk to her daily I like many sleep with the last nightdress she used.I still blame myself for not saving her as I promised and not doing enough.She had lung cancer 3 1/2 years ago which was treated or so we was told,this over a period time progressed into brain tumours,which eventually took her from me.At this moment in time I have more bad days and Imiss my baby so much.Starting a new hobby of Clay Shooting soon i hope this gives me the will to carry on and meet people. so sad and lonely. :sad:
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It's still early in your journey Colin. Take those little steps, rest when you need and remember plenty of TLC, we're all here for you on this journey :hug:
Hope the clay pigeon shooting helps, connecting with others should help a bit :hearts:xx
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It's hard Colin much harder than we could ever have imagined it to be.
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Colin my friend dont be so hard on yourself, I am sure your wife or nobody else Blames you, I often Feel Guilty Too for things I should or should not have done, I am also Possitive our Partners wouldnt want us to think this, they loved us if the boot were on the other Foot im sure they would be thinking the way we do, Like you some day I read the posts here and Sob my heart out, its a very hard Journey for all of us, we are Among friends here and should say how we feel, somtimes I feel so low I just cannot Post here, either Way Colin Look after your self try keep in touch, this Family here can and will help us all.
:hug: :hearts:......Mike
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Hi Mike, Emz ,Hubby,
Thank you all for your replies and support over the last few months,your comments of support means so much and I dont feel so alone,I will try to keep in touch with you all on the forum .In the mean time stay strong and if at all possible have a good xmas and a happier new year,once again many thanks for being here and your friendship. :hearts:
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Thank you Colin for coming on here and letting us know it's not just me who find it difficult to cope
All through my life I thought people lost somebody close, cried for a week or two, had the funeral then got on with their lives as if nothing had happened. When it happened to me I thought there must be something wrong with me not being able to 'shrug it off'. It is only through reading the experiences of people like yourself and others on here that has helped me realise that I am normal. That means a lot to me, more than you could imagine.
Take care and I hope you have better days ahead.
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Those are my thoughts too Hubby, Colin, 4th of December will make it 8mths for me, and some days can still be quite tough,
I had a trigger today when making sure I'd completely emptied my car as it goes back to the dealer tomorrow, and I thought I had removed everything. I suddenly realised I had not checked to see if anything was in the slide in draw under Anns seat, and in there was Ann's last new prescription sunglasses and a purse, which contained 6 £1 coins, and in the notes side of the purse was a solitary photo of the 2 of us together taken about 3yrs ago when we were on holiday on Anglesey, in Wales. I recall placing the camera on a wall and taking the shot using the camera's 30sec timer. It was quite a nice picture and remember printing it off to put it in a small picture frame, but the first one I printed off was not the right size for the frame, and remember giving her that first one to cut up and bung in the bin.
I didn't know she had cut it down, and popped it into this purse, in fact I didn't know this other purse was in the car, as her main purse she used all the time is still here in a draw in the bedroom, with the same 2 fivers in it, and the same change... exactly as she left it. So finding that, especially as I nearly left it in the car, triggered a tearful session.
I keep Ann's wedding ring in her purse, I did wear it for a while on my little finger, but was always worried I'd lose it, as it came off quite easily especially when washing my hands, and came close to losing it a few times. It's the most precious thing I have, and would be inconsolable if I were to lose it, so better safe than sorry.
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For some reason I don't understand, I got out of bed last Sunday morning and felt different. I hadn't been out of the house for 4 or 5 days but I got up at a reasonable time for the first time in weeks and when I'd had my breakfast and tidied up, I put my jacket on and went shopping, for quite a long time I've just ordered online for home delivery. After taking my shopping home and putting it away I set off again and went to my eldest daughters who was surprised but delighted to see me. We had a coffee and then I drove us to my grandsons house and picked him and his partner up and all went off to a garden centre. I was pleased with myself on Sunday but thought that I was just having a good day for once but so far it is lasting. I've been and ordered a new car today :cheesy:.
I've been horribly depressed for several months but, fingers crossed, it's eased. I've concluded that when it's bad, it's OK to just hunker down and wait until it gets better. 13 months have come and gone and in all that time this is the first time that I am starting to think about my future and not just wish I was not here at all.
It's a little message of hope - I hope :smiley:
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Thats a lovely message of hope :hearts: during the hardest times it's too easy to start to believe it will never get easier, but the days do come, so is a strong message to never give up. Maybe bunker down and increase TLC during the tough times, but never quit xx
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George I was really pleased to read this last post from you, it's good things are looking more positive. There will always be the odd occasion when something triggers us off, I'm quite a positive confident guy, or at least that's what my daughter and others tell me and am trying my best to put those dark thoughts I once had right out of my mind and try and accept the fact I'm now a widower and somehow exist on my own.
It's obvious that life as we once knew it will never be the same again, but when I read about people who have lost their husband or wife that had much less time together. It makes me realise and appreciate that my 48yrs with my wife is more time than many people have together, and though that didn't console me very much initially in the early days, however, it does now, and I now feel that I was fortunate to have had those 48yrs. Of course we all would want much longer, but sometimes sadly things don't work out the way we want or indeed expect.
I hope these positive days outnumber the bad one's for you George, I really do my friend, and I sincerely wish that for us all.
Ending on a selfish note, I'm looking forwards to warmer weather so I can get away next year and tick off a few items from my bucket list. I no longer have to concern myself too much about ensuring there is money in place in case anything happens to me. I shall leave enough for my own funeral of course..lol and my kids don't need it except my daughter, who I have ensured will benefit. Other than that I intend next year to do a lot of travelling to places I've always wanted to go, but never had the time, or was concerned it would eat into monies I'd put aside for my wife in case I went first. Having had 4 heart attacks myself over the years my family and I always assumed I would naturally go first, but my own health has improved dramatically over the last 10yrs. So high on my list is a month touring the USA early next year, with hindsight something I wish I'd done a couple years ago but the high cost of medical cover for me put me off doing it, something I very much regret not doing now of course. Things are more in perspective now, we don't get a second chance at living.
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I think the trick to not having so many bad days is doing things. Whether that be going shopping or touring America.
I get through working days without many upsets. This week I've had the setbacks of the party Margaret started organising and my birthday but that has been made worse by being off work and mainly sat twiddling my thumbs. It has given me time to sit and think and that invariably leads to tears.