BEREAVEMENTUK SUPPORT FORUM
Bereavement Support Posts => Please Post In This Bereavement Support Posting Room => Topic started by: Fairclough60 on June 09, 2017, 09:08:14 PM
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:candle:
Hello I lost my wife last year while on holiday abroad, it was so sudden. I never got the chance to say goodbye to her I am struggling with the loss. I have now been left with 2 teenage sons our lives have been turned upside down we are all devastated, I am lost and so lonely without her.
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You will find others here who understand the journey, hope you find support here. It's a rollercoaster, and at times best to concentrate on little steps :hug: xx
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My heart goes out to you Andrew. It's 6 and a half years since I lost my husband suddenly. Trying to raise my sons without a dad is so hard while trying to deal with all of our grief. BUK has certainly helped me along my journey. Being able to come on here and vent or rant made a massive difference. Knowing I wasn't completely alone in how I was feeling. Have you spoke to anyone about trying to get some counselling? It's not for everyone I do admit but it can help you deal with your feelings. Sending hugs. X
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Hi my wife was diagnosed in a Bulgarian hospital with a ruptured thigh muscle and sent away with medication. she returned back to the hospital the same night 15th August in agony, that was the last time I saw my wife alive...i was denied seeing her while she was in there.. she was too ill... by the time the consultants had decided to treat her it was too late the infection in her thigh had took hold she had celulitous and she died of septic shock on the 18th August.. she had been dead over an hour before they told me...shevdied on her own in a foreign county ..the next time I saw her was in the mortuary..i am struggling to come to terms with all this..my life is shattered and I have to make sure the boys lives carry on as "normal" as possible. Yes I am having bereavement counselling each week. During the inquest I was told If she had been in the uk she would be alive today I'm heartbroken so is the rest of the family.
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:hug: so sad that you find yourself here.but sending you a warm welcome.This was also a lifesaving place for me when I lost my husband so I hope we can help you the way I was helped.I can't comment on diagnosis or treatment in Bulgaria but I lost a close friend in the UK and her husband and son were also left in a visitor room and not informed that she had died for over an hour.It shouldn't happen anywhere but sadly it does.
In any circumstances most of us here have tortured ourselves with what ifs, The truth is none of us has forsight and none of us could have predicted the circumstances but it doesn't stop this foul journey called grief making us torture ourselves.
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Hi yeah this time last year we were getting things ready to go on holiday. I've had a tough few weeks since the inquest everything seems to have gone wrong all at once, i thought i was making progress but I'm now back at rock bottom again it seems so hard to get out. I feel I've gone backwards I wake up crying again not done that for a while. I had councilling today she said it's normal reaction to feel like I do after a knock back it's part of the grieving progress you go in and out of it the boys are keeping me going thou which is a god send really.
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The grieving process is like a rollercoaster, just when you think you have got the hang of it or have gotten used to the feeling something else comes along. Concentrate on little steps, it can feel like one step forward, two steps back sometimes, but it's all little steps :hearts: xx
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:candle: Yeah it is, but I feel so lonely I have also lost my best friend, I don't have many people to talk too. Why do people leave you alone after about a month then ask are you ok after few weeks later thinking you are going to over it!! There have only been 2 or 3 friends who have seen me most weeks since my wife died they have seen how difficult all this has been i sure I've been hardwork and i know i have upset some of them when ive been really down but they are still there, everyone else including old friends ive known for years have gone away.
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Sadly it happens all too often with friends,some will drift back , some genuinly believe you want time out others that everything goes back to normal after the funeral.A couple will persist.
Sometimes we do it ourselves by turning down offers of help and saying I,m fine when you really arnt. I was very bad at that,thinking I would be a burden i would upset them and cutting myself off.The thing is though if you turn things on their head you can start to think differently.If it was you , and a friend was in your position you would want to help,you wouldn't think of them as a burden.Friendship is about giving love and love is a gift,if someone refuses a gift your feelings are hurt.I,m not saying you are doing that or that I was aware that I was doing it but perhaps subconsciously I was.
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Yeah see what you mean, but people always say ring me if you need anything, then that becomes awkward for me because I don't really know what I want or need at the time and then end up not doing anything. I know its hard for people to understand how i feel, but I usually get that I'm depressed when really I'm grieving my wife. I have good days and very bad days at the moment. ive still not come to terms with how fast it all happened and how bad we were treated, It just seemed so surreal at the time I was walking around in shock.i still think I'm finding it hard to accept at the moment and just want to talk to friends rather than text them it's company I need at the moment I don't turn anyone away when they want to see me. I hope I'm making sense.
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You are making sense :hearts:
Unfortunately people often drift away after the funeral, they dont mean to, they just cant comprehend the pain and emotions if they havent lost someone in their life
It's a slow journey, but it will get easier, and we are here for you to help support xx
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Feeling down today, got results back from the MRI scan yesterday, got 1 bulging disc and 1disc pushing against the spine which is causing a trap nerve down the left leg resulting in 30% loss in movement of left foot, been referred to a spinal surgeon to go through some options. All this on top of trying fo greive for my wife, it's 10 months since Liz passed away it's going to be another difficult day. Plus it's fathers day it won't be the same as Liz always made sure the boys got stuff and made sure they Made a fuss over me. I have also had to go on fluoxetine to help relax me after all the stress over the past few months and a nerve tablet to try and help the nerve, I don't feel that well at the moment taking them, around my back to me feet is hot, I have gone off my food and feel so tired as well , just feel like my life has fallen apart can't see the way out of it all. Sorry for rambling on.
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Don't ever apologise for rambling here,we all do it,ramblings good I used to find actually writing what I was feeling helped because in writing and making sentences to make it readable helped make sense of what that was.Grief is tiring really tiring,and depression is also something that is part of grieving.Add to that two teenage boys and your physical injury you're doing well to even get out of bed.I know what you mean about ringing someone,not knowing what it is you want,.My friends lived too far away to just suggest a coffee or anything like that,then I made a couple of disastrous attempt to " join" things locally but I realised I was doing it because people said I should not because I was interested,I,be never been a joiner so why would I start now.But I did learn to do stuff by myself so I don't mind too much now being on my own most of the time.Sometimes people on here have day meets in relatively local areas,so maybe one will come up near you.They're mostly fun but I can promise you no one will mind if you cry,I havnt been to one yet where there hasn't been both.Meanwhile keep talking too us.Even every day chat can make you feel less isolated,we have a section for that too.
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Yeah it's good to talk..i keep getting told to join clubs but don't know what to join. I joined the ramblers because I like walking but since I got the back trouble can't go. I don't know were to find any groups who meet for up over a coffee I could join. Yeah i will be looking out for meetings it will be good to talk to people in similar situations ..ill,keep posting but sometimes i dont know what to say i just feel empty and lonely...Am I posting these in the wrong area then
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No not at all,its just that everyday chat is more lighthearted sometimes.what we did at work what we cooked for tea,what the kids are doing,often mundane stuff but the kind of thing that you would perhaps have shared with the person you lost part of the missing is sharing those little things with someone and its never the same of course but it does help I find,even though is online its part of the real friendship that develops over time.Sometimes when you don't know what to say,that's just what you need.
I,m probably not the best person to ask about clubs,my attempts were the WI,and amateur dramatics neither of which were that appealing but I live in a village and there's not a lot of choice.This has happened before to me and last time round I had more choices and buried myself in education at the local FE college.The great thing is everyone is there for the course so there is a definite reason for being there and you instantly have that in common,but naturally chat at breaks maybe go for a drink after etc.How about photography for example,you can ramble much more slowly still be outdoors in nature and actually at a slower pace than most ramblers go you see more.could just be in the garden or the local park.I,m still an education addict but restricted by distance I do online courses.Future learn do free ones that don't require lots of time or last too long.Much of it is based on interacting online with other students,its something to focus on,and being free you can pick several subjects as tasters which then leads to doing a "proper" course if you hit on a subject you really enjoy.
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Thanks for the reply, yeah I think photography might be good for me, I'll find out about some courses. I meet up with an old friend today for coffee, I managed to upset her as well, I Told her how bad I had been over the past few months, I don't think she realised and said I should have rung her. Of course I'm not going to I said I thought she would have come to visit for a chat and coffee, that's what I need to talk to someone face to face..she was upset but understood I think...like I said before face to face contact is far better than talking on the phone or texting. I think she thought I said I would arrange something with her and her boyfriend but my memory at the moment is rubbish I'm struggling to remember what I said a couple of hours ago.
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:hug: memory loss also normal -not suprising that we cant remember what we said, or did - when even to achieve just getting through a single day at a time takes so much energy. Might help to write it down -not everything said or done, but make a note of an arrangement diary style -had cofee with ------ ring them to meet up later in month -something lke that.
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Why do people tell you to text or phone with anything that is worrying you then when you do, you get someone else telling you you've upset them with the text you sent "it was to direct" what the bloody hell am I suppose to say I'm in a really dark place and reaching out for help and that's all I get, might as well deal with it all on my own this is making me worse worring im upsetting people....sorry for swearing
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:hug: because they don't know how to handle it.I,m making an assumption here that some of these friends are friends of you both,so to some degree they may also be shocked and grieving,but also I think people get frightened by our grief because they just can't understand it,and if They havnt experienced it they have no idea how life changing it is for you.Someone here has said he thought it was a case of back to normal after the funeral until his wife died and then he realised its far from being true.
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I am not sure, they have supposed to have gone through something like this, no they are new friends. I am just fed up with it all to be honest.... i can really do without this no wonder im on anti depressants, better off being on my own.
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Doesn't sound like a very caring response from your friend . :-( I think unfortunately some people are happy to be around as long as it doesnt make them feel uncomfortable. But you should be able to say how you feel. I hope your other friends are more understanding and supportive
I think photography is a great idea. Later on my grief journey my friends daughter convinced me to join instagram (so I could see her pictures). Whilst on there one of the people I follow posted a photography challenge - for a month each day of the month had a theme/word, such as 'yellow', 'drink', and you had to take a photo on that theme and post it each day. I really enjoyed it, in a way it taught me a version of mindfulness - each day I'd be thinking about what to photo, or being aware of my surroundings to see what to photo, and at the end of the day was lovely to see everyones photos and interpretations. I still take lots of photos now, almost like a photo diary, capturing moments throughout each day. I also found instagram helped bring back some inspiration to get back into my art xx
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No not very supportive, I wouldn't mind if she told me herself rather than going through her dad, this is not the first time, so ive decided not to text anymore. Other friends have been good with me we try and meet each week for a coffee or a drink. I have lost so much confidence over the past few months i feel awkward texting people now and nervious posting how i feel on here I feel like I'm being a nuisance. This latest one has set me back again and really upset me it's probably because I'm at rock bottom.
Yeah I was thinking about joining Instagram my late wife was always taking photos of flowers this time of year which I often did the same.
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:hug:
You are not a nuisance at all. Never feel bad about posting here thats the whole point of this forum otherwise it just wouldnt exist -somewhere to come where you can post as many times,and as long or short as you chose.Its about mutual support we have all been on the same road of losing loved ones we,re just at different points on that journey but always happy to reach out a hand and help some-one else over some of the hurdles, whether we have climbed them and reach back or whether we climb them together.
Without falling out with some-one i think you know when its time to let them drift and focus on the soilid part of the life raft that is still there for you.Your friend would have had all the good intentions in the world when offering to help -everyone does- but its not possible for them to always follow through with that, it doesnt make them bad people everyone has a different role to play -maybe her upset is because she is being reminded of feelings she hasnt dealt with herself in her own grief.
Losing confidence is horrible i never had much to start with but gradually i am gaining some back.There are still lots of things i cant do but long ago there was a discussion on here about eating out alone -it was kind of a benchmark measure of confidence -and i said i could never see the day when i would do it -and i never have, but later i realised it doesnt matter because i dont need too -you have to pick the dragons you actually want to slay.I can get on a plane and fly to Africa on my own -because my daughter lives out there so its really important to me -but i cant eat out in a cafe down the road alone and i dont really care because eating out wasnt important when there was two of us so why on earth should it be important now.
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Losing confidence does seem to be an integral part of the grief journey. I guess its understandable, we have taken a big knock/hit, often our very foundations have been shaken and we often have to do new things which we didnt choose to do. I certainly lost alot of confidence
And please dont feel a nuisance - we all understand the journey here :hearts:
I agree with karena, focus on the other friendships. I found over time different friendship bonds will be stronger or weaker, depending on what I was going through - and thats ok - some people may not be right for certain times. I had one friend in particular who would always see past the 'I'm fine' mask and we became much closer, whereas other friends didnt understand as they hadnt been bereaved
Dont worry about the confidence at this stage, it will come back, focus on being gentle with yourself and see that this is a time for 'healing' (just like if you had a physical injury it takes time to get back on your feet) To hopefully give you some hope, I'll share what I do. I keep a little book of new things I want to try, and at the back I keep a list of all the things I've tried and done - there's a list of gigs I've been to, list of new/unusual things I've done (flown an owl & hawk) and things I've achieved (like going for a meal alone, or to the theatre alone). That really motivates me, and reminds me of what I am capable of and gives me something to strive towards (compound bow archery is on there at the moment in my want to do list) we so often forget the things we've achieved - it's too easy to feel daunted instead. And the achievement list can be anything - anything which felt like it was a challenge to you at the time. May be too soon in your journey, but might be something to consider trying later on if it sounds like something you'd find motivating/helpful
I do find instagram is really useful for inspiration, finding ideas to try, or just viewing beautiful pictures - there's so much on there. May find it helps a bit on your journey. And seems theres several people who do random photo challenges on there, so may find one which matches your interest too xx
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Thank you for your replies, yes I think i lost confidence very quickly, Liz was my rock she made me feel safe and secure all of a sudden she wasnt there, shecwas my best friend as well now i have noone to talk too its so lonely, it's going to take a long time before i feel like i did before liz passed away . I had to give up work and take on all household chores which fortunately we always shared but now its full on.
I also have a teenager with learning difficulties which has added to the stress, hes ok but just needs constant reminding to do things.
I think you are right I need to think about and look after myself a lot better, I dont have much me time at the moment its all new but we have got yourself into some sort of routine.
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Routine kind of helps,because if you can stick too it,it gets through the day,even the bad ones. But it takes a while to get one when its all new.looking after yourself is often something that drops off the bottom of the list,but its really important,you can't look after anyone else if you don't.
I did a big reminder poster for my grandson to put in the kitchen.Kind of a checklist for going to school.Might be a bit babyish for a teenager.If he's addicted too his phone like mine is its the one thing he never forgets so he gets texted reminders as well.
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Yeah that's the first thing I did made sure the boys carried with their routine after school activities, swimming etc I've been looking after everyone since liz passed away made sure everything has been done in the house as normal as possible routine has helped me get through so far, its been exhausting thou, it's just that all the decisions are down to me now where as before we used to discuss and share everything.
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I know ,and its a very frightening thing even if you make a decision,having no one to run it past,no one to say either you're crazy,or its a good idea,even the little things locking the door,checking the smoke alarms,deciding if the child needs medical attention,what's for tea,should I let them play this game/go to the pictures with their mates.suddenly its all down to you and just you and it is really difficult. :hug:
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Feel down today, went for a walk yesterday the first time for a few weeks, i have a bulging disc and a disc pushing on my spine which has resulted in around 30 % loss of movement in my left foot. My back and leg hurting today but at least I managed to get out..felt ok at the time and enjoyed getting out in the fresh air..yeah its hard work one of the boys kicked off on Saturday swore at me in temper because he couldn't go on the Xbox it's just so stressful dealing with everything on your own.
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I am so sorry for your loss. I so wish I had children at this time, but do not, though another part of me says I am lucky, because I do not have a child grieving for their father. But enjoy your boys, get out together if you can.
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:hug:hi thankyou for your message I am so sorry about your loss you sound really upset...it will be 12 months next week since my wife passed away. The boys have definately help me get throu this past year they were the reason I got out of bed, so i know what you are going through. Talking also helps I still have weekly councilling and good friends who I can talk too. It's not been easy but I think me and boys have helped each other as well we are much closer.