BEREAVEMENTUK SUPPORT FORUM
Bereavement Support Posts => Introduce Yourself To Us All => Topic started by: Jules-pick on November 02, 2016, 03:26:14 PM
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Hi my name is Jules I'm 60yrs old and I lost my Mum in April this year and my partner in August. I seemed to be coping OK in the beginning but I feel like I have hit a wall in the last week and have been overcome with overwhelming sadness, just when all the support from friends has started to ebb away! I have a wonderful family for support but they all have their own families and busy lives. No-one can take the pain of loss away and I know my family feel very helpless!
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Sending you a welcome :hug: Jukes. Please keep talking to us we all know about the brick wall hun,myou have joibed a wobderful support group. Xxx
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Unfortunately these walls seem common, just when we think we are getting the hang of the journey, something else catches us. Be gentle with yourself, it takes time and when we hit these moments remember to give yourself TLC and we're always here to listen xx
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Thank you so much for your kind words.
I don't find it easy to give myself TLC..I'm good at dishing out that advice to others though! Unfortunately I'm not a stranger to grief as my Husband of 19yrs died of cancer in 2009. Looking back I don't think I allowed myself to grieve back then as I went headlong in to moving on too quickly with caring for others in the community! Maybe that is why the emotion I am feeling now seems so overwhelming.
Looking forward to being able to gain and give support on this forum xx
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When we lose someone close to us we deal with it in a way that works for us, perhaps you need to give yourself a bit of you time to reflect. Xxx
:hug:
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Welcome to the forum Jules. I also sorry to hear of your losses.
There are plenty of walls for us to get through. Some are tough, some seem impossible, some are hardly noticeable but we do get through them and, hopefully, build strength to cope better with the next wall.
Wishing you strength
:hug:
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I agree with the comments made, and I'm truly sorry to hear of your sad losses Jules, I hope coming on here gives you some comfort in knowing that people here know how you feel and can genuinely empathise.
To lose someone after just 19yrs marriage Jules is awful, plus your Mum, and in a way, when I read experiences like yours and others on here too, it makes me even more thankful for the 49yrs I had with my own wife before losing her also to cancer in April, as many don't get that long together, not that it lessens the pain of course. However, reading about others on here does make me realise how fortunate perhaps I was to have had so long with my wife Ann, sadly many others are far less fortunate.
The irony in my own case, is that having had 4 heart attacks myself over the last 14yrs everyone including my wife always assumed as did I, it would be me who would go first, indeed I wish it had been me, but sometimes things don't always happen the way we expect.
Wishing you strength Jules, and a big hug from me too. :hug:
Best wishes.... Brian
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Hello Jules- I can empathise with the things you describe but sadly that's the way this journey goes, people get on with their lives or suggest things we 'could do' but unless they've gone through it, they don't know what an effort just getting out of bed every day can be.
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Thank you for your kind words everyone...today I feel a little stronger after shutting down for a couple of days and resting!
I recognise that my wall was caused this time by realisation that I had lost my dream future. My partner Phil and I had been renovating a house out in France for the last four years with a view to eventually live there for half of the year. When he became ill with Mylodysplasia and a very rare autoimmune disease two years ago my thoughts were "he'll be ok" he was a very strong fit man! I've surely had my fair share of bad luck having nursed my dying Husband and losing him in 2009..lightning doesn't strike twice!! I thought when I met Phil how lucky I was to have found someone so compatible, someone I could see myself growing old with!
Last week along with Phil's 4 children and Grandchildren, my own Daughter and Grandsons we went to the house in France. His children now inherit the house (French law) as we weren't married! We planted a tree and scattered his ashes and all was fine while I was there but then on returning home the reality hit me...it's no longer our bedroom, it's no longer my future home, his children are adamant that I should still treat it as my own...but it's not and it never will be!
So my wall this week is trying to get over the loss of France and what might have been along with the excruciating pain of losing both my Mum and Phil this year!
I will get there..my family want to take away my pain..if only it was that simple! xx
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I was deeply saddened on reading this last post of your's Jules, in your case you've lost two lovely soulmates, and potentially a future life many of us dream of doing, and it's all come crashing down, so all that's left is the abyss and emptiness. Life can truly be very cruel sometimes, one second we can see a promising future in front of us, and then it's all wiped in a flash, many of us know that feeling, but in your case it's even more heart breaking.
I remember something my wife Ann said to me the day before she died, She was usually very positive, but during a few hours when we were on our own, she said... You know Brian, life is like a game of Snakes n Ladders, we climb up through our life, and then when we're nearly home and achieve what we want, we hit a snake and go all the way back down again, so we have to restart, but this time love, I don't think I have many throws of the dice left.
She was right of course, but no matter what trials face those of us that's left, somehow we have to rebuild, or in many cases learn to manage what's remaining of our life, and in time our grief too, a task that often seems impossible, but Jules we have to try, as hard as it may seem. An hour at a time, a day at at time, a week at a time.....whatever it takes.
My thoughts are with you Jules, keep posting you will find it helps to talk about things, you are not alone on here.
:hug:
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i am having a real problem replying to your post Julrs. I've typed out four replies so far waffling on about the futures we have planned and found typing them deeply upsetting and that they just look all wrong when I read hem back. There's seems to be something about lost futures that sets me off.
My only future plan was to spend my life with Margaret. I never even entered my head that she would spend hers with me.
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Same here folks. I had just retired when Alan became seriously ill and we had so many plans for when I did retire. Never got a chance at any of it as he slowly got iller and iller. I even bought him a 'new to us' car which he drove I would say 4 or 5 times before he was too ill to drive. So it just sat in the garage- I'm giving it to my daughter as a Christmas present.
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:hug:Jules I have also found lightning does strike twice and know only too well the feeling of having no future.We do but we just can't see it and it won't be the one we planned .
One of the things i found hard to accept was the difference the second time.Heaven knows the first time was awful,but you think the second you know what to expect then find you really dont every grief is different.
When it comes to the future it feels like
the road is blocked and there is a seemingly inpenatrable forest of thorns all around you can't go the way you were going and there is no other way.In the last five years since I lost my husband I,had many false starts and ended up back where you are now.But every time I set off again the forest is a little less dense and a little less daunting.
We were planning on retiring to a place in wales we both loved and spent all the time we could there.He was retired already and i have a long way to go but with his pension and a part time job for me we could afford a caravan.
That will never happen now.But at some point I recognised that having been dealt the cruel blow of losing him not going back was dealing myself a second blow which made no sense so I go back .The first time was so very difficult and a lot of tears were shed,but now I love it as much as ever and feel as though he is really close to me there.
So it doesn't have to be the end of France but it will be a different france but that doesn't mean no France.
My advice at this stage would be simply get through an hour at a time,a day at a time.If you are stuck then sit under the tree and rest,eventually the forest will start to clear for you too.
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I hesitated to write anything on this forum at first but I am so glad that I did. It means so much knowing that I'm not alone with these all consuming feelings! Thank you for giving me hope!
I've spent time today writing my story for myself as I'm a great believer in writing therapies...I must admit as I got to the end and I read it back I thought OMG no wonder you feel so overwhelmed by sadness.
In the words of "power of positivity" We all have times when life feels hard: when we're frustrated and tired and just want to hide away. If that is you right now, don't worry, every caterpillar has to rest to become a butterfly and you'll soon find your wings again. In the meantime let your angels wrap you in theirs!
"Thank you all for being my Angels."
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I did a course last year and one of the things that came up was a study of grief in animals.Those that are credited with being capable of emotional behaviour retreat to the den,or familiar place,often in the case of orphaned calves,their birth place In the case of elephants the herd will stay around but leave the calf alone even dropping food nearby until it is ready to come out. What struck me at the time was that we also have that instinct,and so when you feel you can't get out of bed,you don't want to leave the house or are afraid to travel somewhere it is a perfectly natural reaction,
As humans rather than the heard dropping food and waiting patiently until we are ready to come out,our herd demands we do it on their terms.Go back to work go out do stuff etc life moves on too quickly we,re all running around like hamsters in a wheel and the wheel isn't allowed to stop.If we sit still we are programmed to think there is something wrong with us when really it should be the other way round. Following our instincts and retreating to the den is the way we were built and we should be able to do it without self criticism.
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Hi Jules like you I lost my husband last August and my mum in October this year.Its so hard as they are the most important people in your life.I only hav e my brother left now.He has a busy life with his partner and his Two grown up girls.Thats his way of coping working constantly.I take my wee westie for long walks it helps me he is so loyal and a great comfort.I also have started to go to church as the minister who conducted my husband and mum's funeral is so caring and kind.I really felt at peace there and not so alone.You could try that it may help.I got a few invites for tea.There is lots of caring peole there that have there own troubles but want to help you.Its such an uplifiting place.Take care .Marvil :candle:
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Hi Marvil, I am so sorry to hear of your sad loses too! It's so hard isn't it..I was doing OK to start with but I'm struggling now! I am quite spiritual although I'm not a regular church goer I do, like you ,feel drawn to the church! I'm practising meditation at the moment which seems to be helping me sleep a little better! I find it's the little things that normally wouldn't upset me that tip me over the edge! For both of us it is early days! Take good care of yourself x
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Hi Jules, Like you the little things get me to.I spoke to my mum on the phone 4 times a day.Its so hard I keep going to phone her.The only way Ive coped in my house is to decorate it and get new stuff.Last year at xmas was so hard.I couldn't put my xmas tree up as I was to upset I just spent they day on my own.It was so hard not to have my lovely husband with me and do all our traditions.Also my mum was ill then it was a the worst xmas ever.This year I have bought a new xmas tree a fibre optic one,so it want be so upsetting to put it up.I cherish the happy memories I have of xmas as it was me and my husband favourite time of year.I got engaged at xmas and married on the 12 Dec.My lovely mum brought the sparkle on her clothes she wore and her lovely personalty.Like you it will be hard but a friend said to me to start new traditions for xmas.So I'm going to try that.Take care x
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The little things that set me off are the ones that take me by surprise and the house seems to be absolutely full of them. It's as if I have prepared myself for the things I expect to set me off but finding an earring in a drawer or an old birthday card is the end of the world.
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Karena... I found your last post really interesting indeed...., certainly makes one think from a different perspective, and you're 100% right of course.
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Hi hubby ,I was so sorry to read what happened to your wife's grave .The little things you find in the house unexpected are the worst,though happy memories, it hurts cause you just wish they were still there with you.Like you I have good days and bad days.Special occasions are the worst though.This xmas I'm going to try and enjoy it a bit as last xmas was so hard.I hope you start to have more good days than bad.Take care.Marvil
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Thanks marvil. It's nice to hear from someone who has gone through things that I am yet to face like Christmas.
I am dreading it but I know deep down that it can't possibly be as bad as I am thinking it will be.
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Hi Hubby just keep busy at xmas.You have your family and your lovely grandson who will make you smile watching them enjoy xmas.I didn't send xmas cards last year as it was to soon after my lovely husband had died.And the thought of leaving his name of the card was horrible.This year I will just send to close friends and neighbours.But I found last year I didn get many cards as people didn't want to wish you a merry xmas as they new I wouldn't have one.Its still going to be hard this year as Ive just lost my lovely mum to.As she brought the sparkle on her clothes and in her personality.But I will try and enjoy it like everyone else but its so hard.Take care.
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Thanks marvil. I've already had one run in with cards last week. I didn't even think about it until I got to the 'from' part and that was really upsetting. I will be busy st Christmas. It looks like I am going to have to do the dinner which will probably take me the best part of December.
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Hi hubby that's good your making the xmas dinner that will keep you busy.The best way to do it is delegate jobs ,so you do have to do it all your self.Marvil Take care.
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Maybe spread it out a bit ask you daughter to bring starter or dessert so you don't have to worry about them.
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I'm doing a chicken dinner on Sunday as a dry run for the basics. I'm sure I can microwave most of the fancy bits. Portion controlling the a problem but I'm sure billy and the cat will help clear any excesses.
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Sounds good hubby .Not sure if you can microwave roastys though.
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I've just spent a while googling how to cook the bits and pieces.
I'm doing chicken (in a ready to cook bag), roasties, boiled spuds, carrot and turnip mash, broccoli, yorkshires, pigs in blankets, stuffing and gravy. The hard part is going to be getting them all ready at the same time.
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Sounds yummy :-)
i found when i did Christmas dinner it helped to write down all the timings on a whiteboard, then put them in order of what time each thing needs to go in :-)
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I took your advice to do a list emz and managed to do a meal that was as close to perfect as I think I could ever get. Everything was ready on time and nothing burned or raw. I did cook too much but for some reason I got it into my head that I was cooking for five. There were five of us but little Ollie isn't really ready for a full sized dinner just yet.
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Awesome!! :hearts: well done hubby :-D
I have an issue with portion control for potatoes - whenever I do potatoes I appear to be trying to feed the street! Lol xx
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Jules,I'm am so sorry.I'm no expert and I know you have probably heard this a million times before but it is still early days.You have been through so much but you are doing so well just talking on this online bereavement group.My husband passed way in January and I have only just started on here,it's taken me this long to get my head around that I need to talk to others in the same situation because I too am finding it difficult now that the phone calls and visits are getting less and less.So you are doing amazing.I find that you do hit a brick wall and you think you are never going to move forward but you do.Sometimes it can be a day later or a week but you will get there.Just go with it and just think of what you have already been through and you are stronger now than when you were 2 months ago. :hug: