BEREAVEMENTUK SUPPORT FORUM
Bereavement Support Posts => Introduce Yourself To Us All => Topic started by: colin on May 19, 2016, 02:36:23 PM
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My Darling Patricia past away 9/4/16,The loss has broken my heart and I feel that my life is not worth carrying on I cry daily and find it hard to accept that she not by my side,we did everything together and was never apart for very long,we shared our lives for 52 happy years,hurting so much without her.
Col.
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(((Hugs))) Colin my hear goes out to you, i can guess how youre feeling id been with my hubby roughly the same amount of time, but its early days for you Colin you need to take baby steps, and look after yourself, I promise you it will get easier, please keep talking to us on here im sure you will find it helps xxx
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Hi Norma, Thanks for your kind words and support,I hurt so much even my Son says it dont seem real the empty feelings and pain.just dont go away.
Ive tried Macmillan support but this didnt work that well,but Iam grateful that they offered support.My darling had such a bad experiance in the Hospital that we had her home in our care to make sure she would get the love and devotion from us that she deserved,she was and still is my one true love from 17yrs of age,she will always be in my thoughts and in my heart till we meet again,we will then be happy once more in each others arms.
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Our children can only understand our pain to a certain extent, but would we really want them to hurt like we do, its differant. It does take time and there are several stages of grief we have to cope with, i hope you can find some comfort from this group xx
:hug:
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Hello Colin, seems strange to type that as it's the first time I have used those words since my Colin died in 2010. We were married for 42 years and the pain of losing him was just enormous. However I am more than 5 years along in my journey now and I can tell you that it will get easier to cope. You will never stop missing your wife, I say this all the time but it is true, however many days pass I still miss him all the time. But I have a life again and I cope with it all, have down days of course but generally I am OK. You will be as well, take things slowly and look after yourself, one day it will feel easier x
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Hello Colin. There are one or two currentlyu active members who seem to be in the same situation as you and I. Chris and I first got together when we were 17 and married at 21. She died 3 days before our 47th anniversary last October. The last few years, the amount of time we spent apart from one another was no more than a few hours altogether. It's an awful gut wrenching feeling when you realise you won't see one another again (in this life at least). The way I manage to keep going is to set myself targets and things to anticipate. My next one is a visit to the dentist on Monday to get a temp crown so they aren't always good :rolleyes:
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Hi Colin welcome to the forum sorry to hear of your sad loss.
I lost my wife of 32 years on 19th March. The feelings you describe are exactly as I feel. It has eased slightly but I still cry daily and ,like you, often feel that life isn't worth living and there is no point to anything I have ever done or ever will do. Even at this early stage I have noticed that things are getting slowly easier in as much as the time between crying is getting longer and some times are actually bearable but I now know that grief is a long process and acceptance is something that isn't going to happen anytime soon.
Wishing you the strength to cope.
:hug:
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Hello Colin sorry for your Loss,I to was married to My lovely Wife gail for 38 Lovely years we were inseparable we did Every thing together,once I became disabled over 25 years ago we were never apart,Until Febuary 28th 2016 when she Passed ( Lung Cancer) she was Diagnosed in December and Given 6 mothns to live so it was a Total shock, its the hardest thing I think any of us have to Cope or try to Cope with Hang in there Colin this is a Wonderful site we are all Here for you To Chat leave messages or just to read of all our Lifes and how they are ...hang in there Colin....
:hug: :hearts: :hug:
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Hi to everyone,
Thank you all for your kind words and support in this dark side of my life.I hear what you all say,it's nice to know Iam not alone.
To-day is a better day but the pain will always be with me.One day I will be at peace and back in the arms of my Darling Pat,till then Iwill try to continue with life the best I can.Once again thank you all.
Colin. :sad:
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Hi Sue,thanks for your kind words of support,the pain I feel in my heart cannot be explained.My darling Pat was diagnosed with a benign lung tumour ,she had major surgery over 3yrs ago and we was told that everything was o/k.But over time the cancer spread into her brain,again she was so brave and underwent brain surgery,gamma knife treatmentand finally whole head radio therapy.After the whole head treatment she had 2/3 good weeks,but after 7 weeks she was admitted to Q.M.C.after losing the use of her legs and speech she passed away 1 week later at home,after recieving terrible treatment whilst in hospital we insisted that we could look after her better at home which we did.What hurts me most of all is the fact that she could not tell me how much she loved me all she could do was stroke my beard just before she passed away.I miss her so much the pain is unbearable,I cry every day,kiss her photo all the time,I have her back home to be with me.Sorry if Ive gone on a bit,but it does help to tell others my sad story.Once again Sue many thanks for listening :cray:
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Colin, I don't think it matters that your dear wife couldn't speak, what matters is the time you had together before this. She knew how you felt about her and you know how she felt, that is all that matters. All you need to remember is that you did the very best you could for her right up to the last moment and that was the important thing. I hope as time goes on you will start to remember good times and be able to smile at her memory. It takes a while I'm afraid but it does happen, one day you will feel lighter and have better thoughts. Just be patient, take things slowly and stay here talking to us x
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Hi Sue,Many thanks for your kind words of support and understanding.I've had 2 very bad days and nights just can't get over the loss of Pat,my world is empty without her,Iknow I'am clutching at straws and know she can't return to me,but she will remain in my heart and thoughts forever,all the good times we had will be with me always and the memories stay in my heart.I'am sure that one day we will be together again in a happy place once more,I firmly believe in life after death,so we will meet again and share our deep love for each other.Ihope that other users share the same views.
Best Wishes always
Colin. :hug: :hearts:
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Hi Colin,
Very sorry that you have lost your beloved soulmate. Words are inadequate to express the grief you must feel. Please come here for support - we have all loved and lost someone. :hug:
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Hi Everyone,
I hav'nt been on site for a while,the grief and crying for my lover Pat,as been overwhelming and I just keep going over everything that she went through and still blame myself for not doing more to save my Darling.Still find things hard to cope with on my own,we should have been together forever,we tried to keep ourselves fit by walking 8/12 miles hikes into the lakes and derbyshire peak district on a weekly basis,this gave us more strength to our endless love and quality times together.She remains in my heart and thoughts always and I Will always miss her till we are as one again.Sweetdreams my Darling till we meet again.xxxxxxxxxxxxxx love you always and forever.
Col.
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Hello Colin- I wondered how you were.
I think we lost our loves round about the same time and I've had a real dip too, I wonder if this is another one of those 'normal' stages that this horrible existence is throwing at us. Hope you have the strength/desire to keep posting.
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Hi Julie,
Thanks for your reply to my posting,I don't think life will ever be the same without our loved one.The interest in life is just not there anymore at this moment in time,everyone says it will get easier to cope,but on talking everything over with my G.P.he says the feelings will never go away,we will always be in grief but will learn to cope a little bit better.The main thing that keeps me going is the thought of being together again one day along with the support of my Son and Family,my Son suffers more with anger at the loss of his mum,he does not say a lot but I know he misses his mum so much.This group has been great support to us all that are in this position,thanks all :hearts:
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Hi Colin,
I understand how you feel and this is just part of grief there are ups and downs all along the way and often you feel you are back where you started and it is normal. The spacing may get further apart but they can still be quite intense. I spoke with a psychiatrist and she said that grief is never finished so try as you can to make it an unwelcome companion of sorts. It will get better but the deeper the love, the deeper the grief. You will never be able to rush grief along, it takes it's own time but slowly you will feel a new normal that you may not even like but it will be the new normal of trying to adjust to living without your loved one.
Sending all who are grieving a hug :hug:
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We've been forced into a new life Colin and that's going to take some getting used to. At the moment I feel a bit lost and without purpose. I go through the days without any real interest in anything I am doing but I'm hoping that, as I begin to cope better, I can pick up the pieces and find my way again.
Until then it's got to be one day at a time
Stay strong.
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Hi Everyone,
21weeks since the loss of my princess,my darling Pat,finding it very difficult to cope with the loss of my Pat,memories flooding back of happy times we spent together always produce tears and heartache,cry non stop on a daily basis at the moment can't see a future without my one and only love.Dreading the long dark nights coming soon,so so lonely and lost,when will it end,Trying to find an interest to occupy my time which involves meeting people,considering taking up airgun shooting at local clubs but don't feel that I can leave my Baby for to long,the pain of loss just keeps holding me back.
Best Wishes to all. :sad: :hearts:
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It is tough Colin, people don't realise how the loss of a long time partner affects us, it's approx 20wks for me, but somehow we have to carve some form of a life for ourselves and I know only too well how hard that is to do, in the early days I did have some dark alternative thoughts occasionally, but our lost one wouldn't want that and neither would our families.
It's getting used to being alone that I find hard, almost 49yrs is a long time, I miss her so much, as you obviously do too with your dear wife Pat. Today 3rd Sept would have been my wife's 67th birthday, I bought a card a couple of weeks ago, I've filled it in and it's sitting on top of her casket in the lounge. My daughter still sent her Mum a card too, it arrived today Rather than go for a evening meal out on my own I've invited my younger brother and his wife and their 9yr old granddaughter who is staying with them at the moment along for a treat for them, and of course for the company this evening.
Yesterday was not a good day, as I had a couple of short crying sessions, but these are becoming less frequent, though I've still to go a whole week without some tears running. AYS developing some interests and trying to socialise a little more will help, and I know this is something I also need to do more of. I've booked another week up in the highlands of Scotland at the end of the month, including a couple nights in Premier Inn, near Lancaster, so I'm away for 9 days in all. I like driving, but I know, as it was last time, it will be a very lonely holiday again.
I wish you much strength Colin, all we can do is plod on the best we can.
You take care my friend...
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Hello you poor People I too know how it feels to Loose A wonderful Wife/Friend/Sole Mate / I was Married To my Wife (Gail) for 38 absolute True Love Years. I Lost Gail In Fehuary This year 2016, too Lung Cancer she was Diagnosed in December It was st stage 4 and so far advanced tgat they Couldn't Cure or due anything but keep her Comfortable but she had 2 sessions of Chemo Which apparently my Adult children were told by the Consultant it was Responding so well it was a miracle it had gone drom the size of a Small Melon shrinking down to a Golf Ball size (the actual words expressed in frobt of my wife and 3 Children) you should be having a Party to celebrate we were all Delighted at the news the Following 5 days were Awful as I kept a vigil refusing to leave my wife As I loved Her with all My Heart my life feels as if I'm Play acting with little or no forfill ment, and to Read here How Obviously Most of us here feel so strongly or possitive about Looking or Funding another Partner, I strongly Agree I could never Possibly Love or even want to meet another Partner I think firstly I feel as if I would be Betraying Gail & also My Heart Loves Another who to me is aet in Stone never to be Broken) sorry for Long Post, I haven't Posted for a while as I like you I get very Tearful daily because my Missing My Lovely Gail I think of her every minute of the Day, Love to you all I hope You can Find Peace xx them are Friendly kisses I want the males to be my friend I think there isn't enough Male love without people getting the wrong Idea.
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One thing that has struck me of late Mike is that you guys are supporting each other really well Its nice to see and nice that we live in a world where guys can talk about feelings and support each other without silly innuendo spoiling it. :hug:
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Hi,Brian,Mike and Karena,
Thanks for your replies to my posting, we all have one thing in common we have loved and lost our true loves and miss them so so much, the one thing that keeps me going is the knowledge that one day we will be re-united with our loved ones again,but this time it will be forever and we will be happy and in love always.You will gather from this posting that I firmly believe in life after death,I hope that you all agree and it helps in some way. :hearts: :hug:Bless you all for your kind words of support.
Colin.
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Thankyou for your Kind reply Colin, I also agree with Life After Death maybe it is Heaven or some place we and our souls Gather Together, since Loosing my Gail I have regained my Faith & understood or Believed in what we cwll Heaven a subject that interests me greatly. .... Hoping you all have a Peaceful Sunday and days Ahead
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I believe in an afterlife too,but I,m not sure what heaven is,The world is so beautiful where it hasn't been destroyed by humans,I don't know what could possibly top it,except the world with our loved ones in it,and without violence against any part of it.
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I've had my faith severely tested over the years- especially when such a good kind man as Alan was suffering as much as he did, he did nothing to deserve it. I find it hard to understand how God can allow these things. I don't know what I believe in after death - I sometimes wish I did have a strong faith, I'm sure it would help now.
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Hi all,
Having a really bad few days,still can't get over the loss of my Patricia,my precious,the love of my life,we would have been married 52yrs this October 3rd,life can never be the same without her by my side,cry most days for my lover I'am so lost and lonely,even my Son,who is a great support does not know the pain and torment I go through when I am on my own,the key turns in the lock at night and the tears and loneliness begins. :sad: Thanks for listening to my ranting.
Colin.
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That sounds so familiar Colin, a lot of us are feeling like this right now and I'm sure the Autumn and darker nights don't help either. Plus you have an Anniversary coming up. I know it's horrible but I do believe that the more you can cry now the better you grieve- it has to be let out or it would just burst. Although my children are wonderful, I am aware that they have to get on with their lives and I'm sure they wonder how long I'm going to be like this for, they suggest things I am just nowhere near ready for doing yet. (nearly 5 months for me). No one can truly understand if they haven't gone through it.
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Hi Julie,
Thanks for your reply to my posting,you are so right in what you say,without being in this dark lonely place no-one really understands our feelings of loss and grief we are going through,friends say it will get better over time,I don't want it to get better, we will always be in this place till we are re-united with our love one again in the other side of life.You will gather from this that I'am a believer in Life after Death and most professionals,i.e G.Ps agree. Once again thanks for listening.
Colin. :hug:
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How right you are about nobody knowing how much we grieve when we're alone. Only those who have been through this can have any inkling of how bad it really is. Everybody else just sees the masks we put on.
I seem to remember reading somewhere that psychologists reckon it takes at least two years to 'recover' from a bereavement. I think that sounds a little optimistic.
Hoping you have a few better days
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Hi Hubby,
Thanks for your reply to my posting,When I spoke to my G.P,and told him how I felt he thought that grief will always be with us and we will in time learn to cope but we will never be the same our hearts will always be with the one we loved.The loss will be felt forever and memories will trigger our tears to fall.I will always bless the day when we first met at 17yrs of age.my Pat captured my heart and I still tell her that she took my heart with her,but one day we will share our love oncemore and it will be forever.3rd of Oct will be tearful day,we would have been together 52yrs mostly happy but like most we had our off days and had words but we always fell into each others arms,our love was so strong.I miss her with all my heart.
Colin.
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Hi Colin
You obviously loved Patricia very much and I'm sure she feltexactly the same way about you.
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I hav'nt been on site for a while
I find that I have to have a break sometimes when it all gets a bit too much, but up to now I've managed to keep coming back.
We used to go walking a lot with our dog, I live on the edge of the Peak District so we could be in a dozen different picturesque spots within a matter of minutes.
I keep getting nagged at by the family for not going out, especially when the weather is nice but they don't understand how hard it is to go anywhere on my own. For several years we were together virtually 24/7 and no matter where I go it is so painful.
The trouble is that I've ended up just sitting in the house sometimes for several days at a time. I'm brilliant at giving advice but when it comes to acting on my own advice then that's a different matter :rolleyes:.
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If youre clise to the peak district longedge, why dont you join us in Leeds on Saturday, yes i know it soubds very daunting meetibg strangers, but i can assure you, it wont stay like that for long, everyone will be feeling the same, but within 5 minutes, we are all comfortable, im sure you wouldnt regret it. Xxx
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Good morning Longedge,
The way you feel and how you stay indoors for days at a time fits me like a glove,I don't really like going out on my own at all but I make myself do the shopping etc,everyday tasks are so hard to do.Again like you I also live near the peak district and we walked miles together sometimes doing 8mls/ 14mls rambles,we also did the lakes at least 4 times a year,how doe's one revisit these places without your partner,our loss is so hard to bear in these places,Ijust can't go back to visit.
Best Wishes
Colin
with the help of the forum we may one day reach a level of happiness again.
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The problem with traditional psychology when it looks at grief is that it focuses on effecting a "cure" which involves detaching us from the person we lost.More recently a new theory came about called continuing bonds.
This recognises that we won't do that.If we are "cured" in two years its because we realised its not working and gave up going to see them.
Continuing bonds doesn't try to break the connection,it knows we can't and recognises we shouldn't be expected too.So focuses instead on coping with the change and how we can live with that.I mention this because Colin mentioned not wanting it to get better and I remembered feeling the same but a bit further down the road finding this was like a weight off my shoulders.
Society expects something of us and we come to expect it of ourselves then think there is something wrong wit us when we experience a different reality.We react by pretending or by avoiding people and even stop talking about that person whilst wrestling with the fear we are actually going mad.Reading this gave me permission to feel how I did and to be who I am.More able to manage but always aware of !ost loved ones,what would they advice what would they want me to do,and yes to accept that sometimes it will become overwhelming that they arnt physically here and that will happen probably forever , but that doesn't make me mad,Neither that I can't get any enjoyment from life,but in doing so take their spirit with me, Even if you dont believe in an afterlife or continued consciousness they moulded who you are and so will always be with you.
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I think I get what you are saying Karen and I fully agree. There is no traditional cure for what many of us are suffering from, and indeed few so called experts actually have not experienced the loss of a husband or wife. The Cruse councillor I saw just one time had not lost her partner, because I asked her, which surprised me a little.
I think there are two important words that people who are grieving have to come to terms with, "Acknowledgement" and "Acceptance" because it can take a while just to fully acknowledge what's happened, which is then followed later by accepting what's happened. I think I have almost reached that accepting stage, though occasionally one will still have moments where your back at square one some days, or it feels like that, albeit only temporary.
It is tough, there's no doubt about that, I can think of nothing worse happen in my life that I and many others here have had to face, having lost their husband, wife or anyone very close. The change afterwards in your life is dramatic, and it can very difficult indeed to try and focus on anything, but to move forwards we somehow do need to build a life out of what remains, and how we do that will vary as we all cope differently.
I have no intention or desire to erase from my mind the brilliant 49yrs I had with my wife Ann, those will always remain with me till I die, but we can take all those great times with us, so eventually we view those many years not sadly but as something very good and positive, indeed we may even say we were very lucky indeed to have known love and been blessed with all those good times and great memories. I hope eventually in whatever time I have left to take those fond memories forwards with me whatever the future holds, but we have to acknowledge and accept and somehow focus on what we have now, or there is no future, we remain where we are, and we all know how sad and heart breaking that can be.
So no, there is NO cure, but we can learn to cope with our grief, we can choose to never go out, not see anyone, or we can force ourselves to open that door and reach out, embrace what's out there and speak to people and make a new life whatever that may be. Posting here is a good start on that path, but that path also leads to many other things too, but it won't happen by itself. I certainly think it's better than the alternative.
So what will you be doing in 1 or 2 years time?
Me? well, I don't know about next year, but in the morning I head for Preston, then a night at Lancaster, and then a drive over to Leeds on Saturday to meet some very nice people from this forum which I'm looking forwards to, and then I leave Leeds Sunday morning for Inverness. The alternative....well ? that wouldn't have been nowhere near as pleasant that I can assure you. Next week up Scotland will be a little lonely, but I'm trying... I'll let you know how it went when I get back. Sorry for Rambling on, but that's the last for 10days..lol
Hope your next 9 days are all good one's, and I hope mine are too. You ALL take care.. :hug:
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Strange that you should mention acceptance Brian. I was talking with my counsellor today and she said that I may be beginning to accept the reality of my loss even though I still beg my wife to wake me from my nightmare and try to do deals with her to make her come back to me. Perhaps that is why the past week end a half have been filled with periods of feeling as bad as I have ever felt since losing her.
I am also having to face up to things in her final days that I had completely blocked out and avoided. It hurts but I know that until I face up to my demons I cannot squash them.
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I understand Hubby...I truly do, I know only too well how hard it is. When I'm in one of my more rational moods as I am this evening or should I say morning...lol, then it's not quite so bad, and I know the hardest one of all is that last "Acceptance" acknowledging to yourself is one thing, but accepting it fully is something else, I think I'm getting close to doing that. Maybe if I was still working such as you, it would maybe allow an outside interest, I don't really know if it would help or not TBH, as you still have an empty home when you return....so I'm not sure which is the lesser of the two evils.
Anyway, I still have another 4 shirts to iron, and a 2nd case to pack, before I can grab a couple hours, so you take care my friend, I'll catch you when I return, or hopefully see you on Saturday... :hug:
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Hello all, you are all so right in How we feel, as some of you know I lost my Wonderful wife Gail 28th Febuary this year(2016) Like most of you I cant except it and will Probably never will. We cant help how we Feel after spending 38 wonderful years with the one person I Love so much,at one Point I just wanted to be with her but I couldnt even if I wanted too, my Daughter was having the Baby my wife helped to Create ( IVF), I have to stay to Love our new Grand daughter who is doing very well, I know have another Hurdle to try get through or jump over my Father who is very close to me Long story for another time, He is 95 years and now Dying he only has days or maybe hours he is very strong I just dont want him to suffer, sorry if I am taking over here but I wanted to let you know I agree with you all I was going to church for some kind of peace or Solace, since I have been very unwell and my Father I havent had chance to go,as to the going to somwhere like Cruse I agree with Brian unless somone has gone through this situation to me I think it helps them understand or realise how it feels or have some real feelings as we do ( god forbid that they have to go through this) I would never wish it or this on anyone again sorry to Rabble on (more to you Brian) as this is your Post.
hope you have good days ......Mike
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Hi Colin, I am so very sorry for your loss, I know what you are going through, my Carolyn died 4 years ago on the 23rd of next month and never a day goes by when I can't wait to be with her again. I have never gotten over the day when I found her dead in the bathroom. The grief still stays with me and always will I just have tried to learn to switch it off whenever I can, thats not for long though and then it comes back. I have now accepted that Carolyn is no more but I still can't rid myself of the anger of her death, my faith went out of the window and has never come back, thats another loss I have to deal with. Some days are good some a struggle even now, some days I feel like I am in Gods waiting room.
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I also know the feelings of anger after finding my hubby in his chair xxx
:hug:
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It ain't easy is it Norma.