BEREAVEMENTUK SUPPORT FORUM
Bereavement Support Posts => Introduce Yourself To Us All => Topic started by: Spaicer on April 08, 2016, 09:44:57 PM
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Hi, I lost my wonderful husband 3 months ago, it was expected. We had been together 30 years. I have 3 adult children at home 2 of which are Autistic. We live on a small island & my family live a long way away. We've been on this island for 5 years & I have to work full time to support us. All my spare time is taken up caring for my children (& my late husband)so haven't made friends here (socialising difficult with Autistic adult children!). Missing my husband so badly, not physically lonely but feeling so alone 😢
Hoping to find some friends here
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Not quite sure how this works but I think I might have to post 3 times to start?
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& here's number 3
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I am fairly new to grieving and can't really help with advice but I can say I am really sorry to hear of your loss and offer you and your family my thoughts. :hug:
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Sending a welcome hug spaicer :hug: xx
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Welcome to our group, its a very inderstang and caring so sure you will find support to get you through xxx
:hug: :hug:
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Thanks for the reply. Feeling so exhausted, had to go back to work 5 days after Terry's funeral and have to keep everything going at home, thought I was doing okish but suddenly spending a lot of time crying & feeling so empty. Difficult keeping it from kids (it frightens them if they see me upset)
Hopefully tomorrow will be better :cry:
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Spacier we all seem to find the strength to get us through our days and not show our true feelings for the sake of others, but yeah when we get our alone time thats when we let our emotions take over xxx
:hug: :hug:
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I think sometimes we go into 'fighter' mode, we find the energy to go back to work, keep the house running, look after others etc but sometimes we forget the space we need to heal. It's also such a rollercoaster, just when we think we're doing everything we should, we find our energy reserves low.
Grief is not a straight journey, so be gentle with yourself. You're doing really well, remember some TLC for yourself xx
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Think that's pretty harsh of your employers having you back to work after only 5 days spaicer. Wouldn't dream of telling anyone what to do but if it were me I'd be at my gp getting a sick line. No one can properly grieve in just 5 days.
My heart goes out to yourself and your family. The people on here are really lovely and will be a great source of comfort to you.
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Sending welcome :hug:
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Thing is I work for my GP, they let me have a month off before he died to nurse him at home through his last days. He was uncconcious for a whole week before he slipped away. So I suppose they treated me fairly. It's a twenty doctor practice and when I returned only 3 said sorry for my loss & asked me how I was 😥 They see grief every day I suppose. That did upset me tho.
Managing to get through today, the dog escaped so that distracted me for an hour or so, chasing him!
Reading this through I sound so sad, it's been 13 weeks but the void just seems to get bigger, I know it's early days. Weekends are hard. Thanks for listening.
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I think sometimes the void gets bigger for a while, perhaps it's our brains 'releasing' our grief in stages as it feels we can cope, so once we've got the hang of it, it gives us some more.
Remember all the things you've achieved and allow yourself to go a bit slower for a while. Maybe leave the housework for a bit, get nibbles out and just chuck on a film as a family. Rest for a bit xxx
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Welcome Spacier.You have so much to deal with on top of the grief it isn't surprising at all that from time to time you will crash,Expected or not I think there is still always an element of shock when we lose someone,because even though we know and have been told there is always a part of us that wants to believe it was a mistake or there will be a miracle.I,m sure you will find friends here,a few of us have managed to meet in the real world but even without that I do feel we are friends,perhaps closer than our real world friends can be,because we are all here due to bereavement so understand .Sometimes we need support,other times a rant and other times just someone to share the every day stuff with.
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It's nice to actually be able to say what I'm feeling instead of pretending I'm fine when people ask.
I've hardly cried today but this past week I've been in floods. My husband & I were opposites he was everyone's friend & such a large character whereas I'm quiet & can appear shy but we were such a team and I feel so empty.
We had 30 happy years, no rocky patches, 3 lovely children. I'm 50 so I could have 30 years without him, that thought is unbearable, I don't know how I'm going to do that. I've lost both my parents so I've known grief before but this time is so different.
Being on here makes you realise other people are going through the same thing or maybe even worse, yet when you're out and about you think no one else can possibly be feeling as bad you, everyone seems to be a happy little unit.
Thank you for all the kind words and the welcome
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Just keep posting Spaicer, no need for bravery or holding back emotions, this little group of real people will be here for you for as long as you need a shoulder to cry on or just an understanding listening ear. :smiley:
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I can really identify with a lot of what you put in that post.
:hug:
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Personally I think places like facebook (in general) doesnt help, I was chatting to my friend about this the other day, people post the good stuff, the best stuff - the selfie that has probably taken 20 attempts to get right (or is that just me with the 20?! Lol), the special dinner out, the good news. If you had some kind of truth serum for people posting on fb I imagine it would be a very different place - those that may be feeling lonely but dont say, those with the perfect couple photo yet difficulties behind closed doors, those battling difficulties, those with low self esteem. But if you're not careful you can think you're the only one feeling like you do and feel like you've gone wrong (so, if someones in on a Friday night looking at everyone elses partying photos maybe they start wondering why they dont have a social life, whereas their life is normal) That's one of the reasons I like it here, people dont have to keep wearing a mask, and people understand
I saw an interesting programme on tv about loneliness, and one of the people on there was a student at university who felt so lonely.
Unfortunately grief also heightens our senses, seeing the couples out and about, seeing the family units, the parents. Im not sure I have any tips for that. Only thing I can think is to concentrate on friends and those that love you, they will be a great support through these difficult times xx
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My condolences to you Spaicer. There's times when we just need to rant and rave, cry and believe it or not have a laugh eventually. You can do any or all of thos things when you are with people who are in a similar position to you :heart:
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My husband was also life and soul of the party he was comfortable meeting anyone,where I was quite happy to be the quiet one .In that position I really struggled going anywhere but over time have come to realise I was putting pressure on myself,trying to join things,when I,m not a joiner,trying to accomplish things that I actually had no need or desire to do but just what others thought I should do.I also developed ways of being on my own but feeling more like I belonged.My weapon of choice is a camera,going to places on my own I have more confidence if I am busy taking pictures.I have car radiators from a steam fair,gable ends of Manchester,all sorts of odd things that came from going somewhere I might not feel comfortable.Even just going for a walk,somehow a camera makes me feel I look as though I have a purpose .
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Well thank goodness Sunday is almost over, never the best day. I've spent all day cooking, filling the freezer with about 10 different meals so I don't have to start cooking for everyone at 6 when I get in from work. I thought it would distract me but I spent the time thinking about the food Terry loved & listening to the radio playing music that kept bringing back memories, didn't make me cry tho, so that's a plus.
My middle child who is fairly severely autistic asked me today why I couldn't bring dad back from the dead, he's 22, I'm used to this, and he needs the same answer every time to reassure him which is that dads heart stopped working and we couldn't fix it so he died and once someone goes there's no coming back but we still love him and we have lots of lovely memories to remember him by. Usually I deal with this ok but today my voice broke a bit which worries my son, I'm not allowed to be upset in his eyes. Also my daughter who has much milder learning difficulties wanted to know if her dad was told he was dying, this got to me too, even more so I think. It was always unspoken between Terry & I. My eldest, who has no learning difficulties is away on the uk mainland doing a training course for a month, so I'm missing his everyday chit chat too.
I wish I could believe in some sort of "after life" to give me comfort, but I don't, I believe that the end is just that, that he's not watching over us, that his spirit isn't around us, that his "energy" is gone, being with him when he died has only reinforced that, I am however glad it was just me and him when he died in our home and he was so peaceful and I'm sure he knew he was very much loved.
God I miss him so much, can't imagine it ever getting better. Now I'm crying after lasting all day!
Sorry for rambling tonight!
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Don't need to apologise for rambling that's what we re here for.sorry you had such a hard day.
people here have lots of different beliefs about whether there is an afterlife and what form it could take,I didn't used to think there was anything but I have a different view now just through things that have happened and reading lots of stuff including science I have an open mind on it, but no matter what our beliefs they don't make the pain of loss any different in the here and now.It must be so difficult not being able to show emotions around your son and answer his question like that. :hug:
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Sorry to hear you've had a hard day. :hug:
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Hardly any tears today only the odd one when a song came on the radio & I could hear Terry singing along, he was always singing. A full day at work and Matthew wanting a lot of attention tonight, I really needed a friend to talk to but all my friends live on uk mainland or a different island (we're in the Channel Islands) I had a long phone call but it's not the same as actual company.
I'm so torn on what to do, move back to uk (been in Channel Islands for 28 years but this island for 5) so I'm near family & friends but then I wouldn't get the support I have for Matthew, I have a really good job (which I don't enjoy but it's very well paid)I don't have my own property or any savings or pension so work is important. I wouldn't get anything like it in uk, especially as I'm 50 with only O levels & experience to my name. The children were born here so it would mean up rooting them.
I can't get out to make new friends (not that I'm anywhere near that stage yet) because as soon as I finish work I'm Matthews carer.
I know that I shouldn't make any decisions yet but feeling alone with no support is getting to me today, I've had a flair up of a medical condition which gives me quite a bit of discomfort which probably doesn't help.
Hope tomorrow is easier.
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Sorry to hear your having a bad day.
Music can be a terrible trigger especially when your listening to the radio and have no control over what the next song is going to be. I've taken to listening to classic fm because Margaret hated classical music so there are no memories there to catch me out.
It must be so hard for you facing this without friends and family nearby. You are right saying that phone calls aren't the same as having someone there even if they aren't saying much. Do you know a friend or relative who could come and stay with you for a few weeks to ease the burden and give you a bit of company?
:hug:
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I know that I shouldn't make any decisions yet
That is so true. I haven't wanted to move but when my Dad died, the first thing my Mum wanted to do was sell up and move back to Germany where she came from. She accepted my advice and didn't do anything about it although she did go and spend several months with my Auntie until one day when I was speaking with her she said she was home sick and was coming back. SHe was missing me and our family and all her friends. A couple of years later she thanked me for 'not letting' her sell up and realised how important her home that she and my Dad had built together was to her. She felt close to him there. I've felt like that right from the outset and only feel really at ease when I'm at home. I'm getting to the point where I can look at things in the house and have a little smile about where/when we bought them. I've even got to the point now when I can look at a photo of Chris and smile rather than cry.
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Thanks for your replies, I had people with me the two weeks before Terry died up to a few days after his funeral, you're right Hubby it was such a comfort having company & they really looked after me, but I suppose life goes on (as everyone says - I wish they didn't!) and we all have to go back to work.
I think I'm lucky longedge as although I'm so sad & empty I smile all the time at photos of Terry and even laugh out loud when I remember him messing around or teasing us all, I know some people find that hard.
We only moved to this house about 7 weeks before Terry died (we moved to a bungalow because of his health) so not really any happy memories here which is a shame he would've really enjoyed the garden - I hate gardening, thank goodness for the gardener!!
No moving for me yet, I've had enough stress for now
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I had no choice but to move as i couldnt afford to stay in our house with half the income, so moved nearer to work but as i feared it didnt make anything better just added to my loss, the people who return to work at the end of their stay will be working there too and time will still be difficult to find,also how would your son cope with something else so major just now . I think maybe it is something you could consider in the future but perhaps not at the moment.Have you tried skype or whatsapp.my daughter is in south africa and i do find with those, when you can see them is better than a phone.and also with whatsapp instant messaging -doesnt have to be organised preset times tied to the house we send pictures all the time even photo recipes or silly things we see out and about. Its not the same but its better than an ordinary phone call
Such a shame you dont like gardening i find the lonliness in the house doesnt happen in the garden, life is all around you outside. I dont need people when i,m there,Digging is a great and legitimate way to get rid of physical angst.Perhaps you and the kids could have a project to create a nice seating area and have Terrys favourite plants around, perhaps incorporate bird feeder and bath, somewhere where you, and they, can go and sit and just be for a while, I,m sure your gardener would help and I,m sure Terry would certainly have been teasing you but at the same time proud that you did something you hated but in order to make a garden in his memory.I talk to Keith to this day in the garden, he used to joke about my digging ponds when his back was turned (well it was a ten foot one) and when i moved here the first thing i did was to dig a pond just to feel that closeness again.
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You may not have any memories in your new home but I am sure you hold many happy memories in your heart. :hug:
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Offering you my sincere condolences 💜 I've just lost my husband and we have 2 beautiful children, I'd hate them to see me upset too x
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Thanks for the replies.
Much better day for me today, no tears, I think that's a first. I feel that I could be ok, it's going to be cripplingly lonely but I feel that I will learn to live with it.
We had such a happy life for 30 years & I was soooo loved, that's more than a lot of people ever have.
Now I've shed a tear! But only a couple 😊
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Bless you.
Never say no tears, they have a nasty habit of sneaking out when you least expect them. :hug:
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I haven't had a day without any tears yet but I don't mind. The pain is better out than kept inside.
I've been reading your posts and felt unable to say anything. I just don't know how you are coping with all you have on your plate and I'm full of admiration for you.
Loneliness is the biggest problem most of us will have to face long term, I think. Is it possible for you to get out and about?
Don't be too hard on yourself or push yourself too much. You have a lot of responsibilities and must get tired so take care of yourself, and keep talking to your friends here. There is also a chat room if you want to speak to someone in the evening.
Big hugs xxx
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Hi Spacier,
I saw you on the chat on the weekend and didn't recognize the name. Welcome to the forum, you will find caring people here who will give you support. Grief is such a devastating thing to deal with. It never gets easier when we lose someone we love. Everyone is here for you. :hug: