Author Topic: How to deal with grief  (Read 1881 times)

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Offline dani_12

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How to deal with grief
« on: May 26, 2019, 08:31:52 AM »
In September 2017 my mum was diagnosed with lung cancer and then in that October, they had found multiple tumors in her brain. Stage 4, incurable cancer. My mum had opted not to receive cancer treatment, she didn’t want her young grandchildren to remember her sick and different to how she would have always looked. It was a decision we all supported, it was my mums life and it was what she felt so strongly about. However everyday I sit and think, how long would she have gotten if she had chosen treatment? My mum passed away in December, just a short 3 months after she was diagnosed. It didn’t hit me for months, I ran about getting everything sorted and making sure everyone else was alright.

My mum was only 51 years old, she still should have had a lot of years left, and that thought has made me so angry inside. Why was it my mum? She was the most caring and loving person to ever grace this planet, she didn’t deserve to be taken so soon.

I still haven’t grieved, I find it so hard to visit her grave and to look at her pictures, because once I do it becomes real that she’s never coming back. I bottle everything up and find it impossible to open up to my family and my partner. I feel numb the majority of the time, that if I feel nothing, surely it won’t hurt so much? I don’t know where I’m going in life, I feel like I’m going no where because how can I without my mum? My mum was my entire life, out of 4 children I was the only one still living at home. Every time I imagine moving on in my life without her in mine, it’s them times that I break down. I talk to her everyday, hoping one day I can hear that voice again. I was 25 when my mum passed, but I was more like a teenager as she always told me Lol. She had me spoilt rotten and I guess having to now fend for myself in life has been extremely hard. Everything I do, I try to do to make her proud.

Is my process normal? After 17 months, is it normal to have not grieved properly yet or accepted she is gone? I fear that if I don’t find a way to talk to those who love me, that I’ll end up alone and with no one.

Offline Sandra61

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Re: How to deal with grief
« Reply #1 on: May 26, 2019, 11:29:26 AM »
Hello Dani,

I'm so sorry to hear about your mum. Fifty-one is no age and it does seem very cruel for you to have lost her so soon. Unfortunately, there is no reason to these things.  :hearts:

It is about the same length of time since I lost my mum. She died in October 2017, so having experienced many of the same feelings and emotions that you describe, I know what you are going through. I don't have the anger, as my mum was much older than yours, so it was to be expected really, but no less of a shock when it actually happened for all that. I think it is the shock that causes the numbness. Perhaps you are still in shock if you have been occupying yourself looking after everyone else and dealing with all the practicalities.

I am not sure that you are right to say you have not grieved. From your post, I think you are grieving. You describe finding it hard to accept that she is gone and don't know where you are going in life, bottling up your feelings and not wanting to talk to anyone, talking to your mum everyday wishing you could hear her answer. I think these are common responses to grief that many of us go through, so you are grieving. We all grieve in different ways and sadly, though I don't want to upset you further, I don't think we ever stop. It does get more bearable as acceptance comes, but I think what many of us here on this site have found, is that you just learn to live with the grief and the loss and whilst it never goes away, you have both good and bad periods, so that at some times it is easier to live with than at others.

I remember I was about your age when my dad died and I wonder if that is part of the reason you find it hard to talk about it with anyone or look at photos. I remember I was like you then. I couldn't talk about losing my dad and also didn't want to look at photos and just tried to ignore it and figure out what was best to do going forward. With the loss of my mum, I have wanted to look at photos and talk about it all. I think because my mum's health was never good, when my dad died, I knew I would have to look after my mum and so I focused on that and tried to shut out the grief. I didn't have that with mum's death. I too lived with her at home, so now it's just me here and so I had no one else much to have to think about this time. I have a brother, but he has his own family, so I don't see him very often.

With just me to think about, grieving for my mum was different to grieving for my dad. Like you, I felt utterly alone and didn't have any sense of direction or care about my life or my future. I could feel myself slipping into depression as a result and knew I had to do something to prevent that as there was no one to take care of me, so I had to do that for myself. One thing I did, fairly early on, was to join a class to get me out of the house for a few hours a week and make me think about something else for a while. That helped me a lot. Also I met some new friends there, several of whom had also suffered fairly recent losses, so I was able to talk to them about it and that helped. Also, I found the class made me think about something else and took me out of myself and gave me a focus and something to look forward to each week. It also gave me a distraction and I think you need that too. Grieving is draining and exhausting without that and that's how you slide into depression. Also, the activity I chose was one my mum had also enjoyed, so I felt she would have approved and enjoyed it herself. I too talk to both my mum and dad still at home and I tell them when I am going and invite them along to watch. I know they'd enjoy it too!

I am sure you are making your mum proud in having done all you have done so far, but you do also need to care for yourself. I think if you can't talk to anyone about how you feel, you could try keeping a journal each day of how you feel and what you are thinking about. Writing it down really helps you release some of those feelings and makes you feel better afterwards and then, as time passes, you can look back over those entries and see how far you have come. I know I am surprised reading them over to see where I was then and where I am now with it all. Some people also find grief counselling helps, so you might want to go and see your doctor to see if they can refer you for that.

Little strategies have helped me from the start also. This time round, I did want to look at photos, so put together an album of some of my favourites and gave copies to my brother. I also found it helped to have flowers around. it just gave me a tiny lift to see their beauty and smell their scent and reminded me that there were still good things in the world. I also still find walking in the park helps. It is a calming place in which to sit and process my feelings and try to absorb all that has happened. I also find the inscriptions on the benches placed there in memory of people others have lost comforting to see, as it reminds me that love goes on, even after you have lost the person you loved. I am sure their love for you goes on too. Some people also make a memory box and fill it with items of special significance to the loved one they have lost, or start a memory book or jar, in which they put scraps of paper with memories of episodes they recall sharing with their lost loved one or observations about them, so that they can pull one out at random and relive that happy memory.

It also helped me to revisit places we used to go to together. Some people release balloons with messages to their loved one in such places too or plant flowers there or have a bench placed in a special spot to go to to remember their time together and think about them. Others create a special spot in the garden to do that. Perhaps one of these suggestions might help you.

I know grief makes you want to avoid dealing with it and cuts you off from those around you making you feel isolated and alone, but try not to cut yourself from your family. They lost their mum too, so are most likely experiencing many of the same reactions that you describe and also not talking about it! Just try to keep the lines of communication open. I ring my brother once a week or he rings me. We don't talk much about mum, just about how our week has been. It does feel less isolating that way and I value the fact that i have him, as I am sure you do that you have your family, so maybe just ensure you keep in regular contact, even if you just talk about mundane everyday things. It does help.

So I do think you are grieving and there is no time frame or set way of going about this horrid process, Dani. I think you probably have accepted that your mum is gone, but just don't like to acknowledge that. You will probably find that easier as time passes and you will want to start looking at photos again, but grief requires a certain amount of self help to get through it, so try to find what helps you most and make sure you make a plan to include those things every week in your life and maybe consider grief counselling.

You say you cannot talk about it, but you have been very eloquent in your post and have said quite a lot there, so keep talking to us here. We all understand having gone through or going through the same ourselves, if at different paces and in different ways. We will always try to support one another with helpful suggestions and just knowing you can say what you feel here without anyone judging you really helps too, so keep talking to us here, even if you find it hard to do that in the real world at the moment. You clearly are trying to deal with your grief or you would not have found us in the first place.

What you are going through and have described in your post is normal. You just have to gradually find your way and try to find things that help you on that journey. As my dad used to say, it gets better, but only by a chicken's step every day. Also, you will find it is a roller-coaster ride with ups and downs along the way, but you will get there, Dani. You will find a way to live with this, as we all must. You are not alone and we are here for as long as you need us.

Sending a warm welcome hug and strength..xx :hug:  :hearts:

Offline green dragon

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Re: How to deal with grief
« Reply #2 on: May 26, 2019, 06:28:13 PM »
First off, I want to say that I have immense respect for your Mum being so strong and selfless in the face of terminal illness. Second, I am very sorry.

However everyday I sit and think, how long would she have gotten if she had chosen treatment? My mum passed away in December, just a short 3 months after she was diagnosed. It didn’t hit me for months, I ran about getting everything sorted and making sure everyone else was alright.

My mum was only 51 years old, she still should have had a lot of years left, and that thought has made me so angry inside. Why was it my mum? She was the most caring and loving person to ever grace this planet, she didn’t deserve to be taken so soon.

So based on what I said above, I think, even though this is perfectly normal and I think most, if not all of us go through that period of what ifs, you come back to your Mums decision. As normal as they are, the what ifs are pointless. They will not bring her back, so at some point you will have to - for the sake of own mental health - put them aside. Your mother made her choice and that is how things went.

There is no normal way to grieve, you do it your own way and at your own pace. But a time comes - and since you reached this forum, it may be that the time has come for you as well - when you have to start putting your life back together. That does not mean you forget her but that you are still alive and should live. Think about what she would have liked for you. She would want you to live, really live, without fear. Everyone, even those who have their parents around until old age, have moments of uncertainty and fear in life. Sometimes I think those of us who have grown up with such strong parents as your Mum seemed to have been, sometimes we feel like we cannot possibly be as strong as they are. But I think we are, because we grew up with them as examples. So trust yourself. She already taught you how to be strong and stand up for yourself. Every time you are  unsure of what to do, just imagine what she would say.

PS: you could tell your family exactly what you posted here. It very clearly shows how you are feeling. Or if you feel weird about speaking, just print your post and show it to them?