BEREAVEMENTUK SUPPORT FORUM
Bereavement Support Posts => Introduce Yourself To Us All => Topic started by: alan2273 on September 04, 2016, 09:09:21 PM
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Hi, there,
My wife passed away 5 days ago, which meant she was in pain no longer.
After 44 years marriage I miss her so much, and the heartache does not seem to diminish, it seems to get worse.
My nearest relatives are hundreds of miles away and because of the wifes dementia and my caring for her for the last 3 years all our friends seem to have disappeared.
Does it really get better with the passage of time.
:hearts:
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Hi Alan.
Welcome to the forum, so sorry to hear of your loss.
We all grieve differently and in our own way but 5 days is no time at all and you will probably still be feeling a bit numb and unable to take the loss in.
I lost my wife just over 5 months ago. Things actually seemed to get worse after the funeral and, like you, I wondered if they would get better over time. Certainly I now have longer periods where I can cope and sometimes even entire days but there are also moments where the grief is even stronger.
Speaking to others even five months in is not long so I can't tell you if it gets better but I can tell you that it slowly becomes easier to cope even though sometimes it doesn't feel that way.
Wishing you strength.
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5 days- so new and raw for you Alan. I lost my Alan in May this year so I really can't say whether it gets any easier or not. I also cared for him for 2 years and we were married for 44 years too. I am relieved for Alan that he is no longer in pain or all the indignities that came with his illness but I am struggling to get through each day. Believe me we all understand the journey you're on- I hope we can help and support you.
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Hello Alan, I can only echo the thoughtful posts by Hubby and Julie, all on here have gone through what you are feeling, and there is nothing worse. It does get easier with time, but it happens very slowly, it's 5mths since I lost my own wife to whom I'd been married for almost 49yrs. I miss her every single day, and rarely does an hour pass when I don't think about her, but somehow we have to exist and manage the best we can.
5 days is very early and it's raw for you, I remember my 1st week after my wife passed away very suddenly, I felt absolutely awful, I was sleep deprived too as I'd stayed with her all 4 nights and so had not slept, my mind was all over the place, and indeed we find it hard to grasp what's happened. I know in my case it took a few days for it to sink in, I still wake up some mornings now thinking it was just a nightmare, people don't realise how we feel, because they simply have not gone through it themselves, and unless one has, they truly do not have any idea.
When you have loved someone for so long and they were your life, it's something I don't think we ever get over, but yes with time it can become a little more bearable. In the early days, it was rare to go a day without me crying hysterically because I miss my wife so much, and I still do quite often, they say that's a release valve for us...I don't know, but I am going longer periods between crying sessions.
There were times when I felt really low, and wondered whether I want to continue, but there are family members to consider and so I keep taking it a day at a time...a phrase used often on here, because that's all we can do.
Rest assured Alan we do know what you are feeling, and I hope in some small way posting on here may help you, sometimes sharing and talking about it can help, it's what makes this forum so unique, you are among friends here who are experiencing the same as you.
You take care my friend :hug:
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Welcome Alan to our forum. So sorry for your loss. 5 days is no time at all. Don't expect too much from yourself. You are at the beginning of your roller coaster ride that is grief. Sending hugs, Penny x
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Hello Alan,
It's almost a year ago now since I was in your place. Numb, totally numb and it was several months before reality struck me. Everybody reacts differently at different times but in the end we all go through the same reactions and emotions. Some will shock you and sometimes you won't even recognise yourself. It's all 'normal' whatever that means. If you have the opportunity, as I did, to join a suport group then it's well worth doing. You need to talk to people in the same situation that you are in even if it's only to convince yourself that you aren't going round the twist. If there's nothing else, then this is a great place to come and 'let it all out'.
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I went to the chapel of rest today to see my wife, I know that not everyone could do that but it was my personal choice and I shall go there every day till the funeral which I am not looking forward to.
I have to see the minister tonight then everything is taken care of.
The only hold up now will be how long it takes to sort the probate out.
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Special hugs to you today, it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks, you just do whatever you need to do to help you get through this. I had to go the probate route and it is just about coming to an end now (3 months).
Somehow you WILL make it through the funeral- you probably won't believe that but something comes from somewhere to help you through. :hug:
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"it was my personal choice" - That is absolutely right Alan. This is a time when you should choose what's right for you and don't worry about what other people might think. The funeral was a big "watershed" for me, the point at which everyhing was done and reality started to hit me. Accept help when it's offered and keep talking especially to people who have been there themselves if you can.
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"it was my personal choice" - That is absolutely right Alan. This is a time when you should choose what's right for you and don't worry about what other people might think. The funeral was a big "watershed" for me, the point at which everyhing was done and reality started to hit me. Accept help when it's offered and keep talking especially to people who have been there themselves if you can.
Yes that is what worries me at the moment when the reality will kick in, because seeing her at the chapel of rest, I can still talk to her but after with no relatives close to me I will finally be on my own.
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If you are anything like me Alan you will still be able to talk to her after the funeral, maybe eve more so. I find that I talk to Margaret all the time.
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Yes that is what worries me at the moment when the reality will kick in, because seeing her at the chapel of rest, I can still talk to her but after with no relatives close to me I will finally be on my own.
As Hubby stated you will likely still be speaking to her well after her funeral Alan, It's been 5 months for me and it's rare a day goes by when I'm not speaking to my wife Ann...probably sounds barmy Alan, but I'm told it's quite normal. I keep a photograph clipped under the passenger side sun visor in the car of her, and on the way back home this evening I was telling her about what I'd been doing today, I do that often, I always say good morning to her when I get up, and always tell her how much I miss her and love her before saying goodnight when I get into bed.
An elderly gentleman I met in Dartmouth a few months ago told me he does the same, he was 86yrs of age and had lost his wife 2 yrs previously and he talks to her all the time, and even takes her casket out for a drive in his car. He said I can tell you, but anyone else would likely have me locked away...lol....they were married for 62yrs. I think we've chatted over the phone about 3 times since.
When you have been together all your life, in our case 49yrs, the impact afterwards is dramatic, I can think of nothing worse, as we often say on here, all we can do is take it one day at a time. Coping day to day will get easier, but it's a very long and slow process, for many of us, I doubt we will ever really stop grieving, but with time it will become a little more bearable Alan.....well at least I hope so, as I'm still struggling emotionally myself some days.
:hug:
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I was with my wife for 44 years and words cannot describe how much I miss her.
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I was with my wife for 44 years and words cannot describe how much I miss her.
I know Alan....I know, because I feel exactly the same, as do some others here...AIS It's 5mths now for me, but some days it doesn't seem real, and I still haven't accepted she's gone. That I'll never hear her laughter, feel her love and companionship ever again, and yes even her shouting at me occasionally when I've annoyed her on the odd occasion would be heaven, because the reality is... one's wife or husband of many years becomes your best friend, that's why we call them soulmates....they are your life....when my wife's life ended...I sort of feel mine did too. :cry:
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I was always the strong one and she would not want me thinking my life had come to an end, but how long before I can pick myself up is anyones guess.
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Hello Alan sorry for your Loss, I too Lost my wonderful Wife in Febuary 2016 I am heartbroken feel just like you as long after as this it takes time Alan, I am not one of these people who says time will tell because i hate that expression,Im also going through another bad time with my Father who I Love to pieces I know he is 95 years but I had a wonderful childhood and I was so lucky I had super and Loving parents so my father is very dear to me I think it could be days, even though it sounds rather bad me saying this. But loosing my Father when it happens I know it will not have such a intense effect on me I suppose because it is expected in some way, but the answer to your question Alan is its how you feel and except or not the situation, we are all individuals and very different in many ways, as Im sure like some here they feel as I do I will Never find anyone to replace or even be where my Wife was as my partner or otherwise, sorry for Rambling on its been a while since ive posted because I just havent felt like it Like you all I have not just good and bad days I have bad moments which start from the simplest of things, chatting like this does me some good when or if I can bring myself to answer posts I Read them all Every day, god bless you all I Hope you all have Good days and nights .
:hug:...Mike
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Thank you Mike, no one will ever replace my wife but hopefully some day i will be able to move on.
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Alan you need to get through the next couple of months in whatever way you can and then I think you can start taking stock of your situation. There'll be moments when you think that maybe you're 'improving' , and they'll be quickly followed by plunges back into the black abyss. The best we can hope for is that in time we can get used to and learn to live with our 'new normal'. I still have days, sometimes many days on end when I'm gripped by overwhelming grief but if I'm honest I am improving. I just accept that for the time being, this is how it is.
It's strange how we continue to talk to our loved ones. I felt very self-conscious about it at first even though I was on my own :smiley:. I used to be in trouble all the time for not talking but my answer was always that I already knew what Chris was going to say and it was true, we had no need to speak, we both knew exactly what was going through the other's mind. Now when it's too late, I talk to her :smiley:.
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The last two days have not been so bad but tonight I can not sleep, it is 3 AM and I am still wide awake even though I feel absolutely drained. :cray:
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Can you catch up on your sleep during the day at all Alan. Everything seems much worse at that time of the morning doesn't it? If it's any help I was wide awake then too and just staring out of the bedroom window.
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I stopped concerning myself about the time of day in relation to sleeping some time ago Alan. Suppose I'm lucky in that I'm retired and only have myself to consider but I just sleep when I'm tired and bumble about the house and garden when I'm not. I know the most stupid thing anyone can say to someone who is worried is, "Don't worry about it", but I'll say it anyway :smiley:
At one stage I went to the GP's and got some tablets to help me sleep but I felt worse using them to force myself to sleep than I did before I had them. Other people have had better results taking sleeping tablets and it's certainly worth going to see your GP to discuss the pros and cons.
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Or maybe try something herbal like Nytol or Kalms?
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Thanks for all your suggestions but I will give the sleeping tablets and a visit to the GP a miss for the time being.
I will see how it goes after the funeral.
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Okay- that's fair enough. :hearts:
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Alan,Welcome to this wonderful helpful forum you have recieved some great words of support in your hour of grieve,I like you lost the love of my life on 9th April this year,we would have been married 52yrs in Oct,like the members have said it will not get easier but what you will find is that you will gradually learn to cope with your loss,you will cry for your loved one,that is natural.Again like you all I have in my life is my Son and family who I don't see every day but I know he is there for me.When I am on my own I feel so lost and lonely,Itry and occupy my time as much as possible,this seems to help a little.I am looking at doing a hobby in airgun shooting where I will meet other people and make friends.When i first found this forum Norma said some very wise words to me and that is take baby steps one day at a time. Hope my posting helps you in some small way, stay strong.
Best Wishes
Colin :hug:
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I went through a period of not sleeping, or eating, in the early days. I did eventually get some sleeping tablets from the doctor. They didn't always work and sometimes seemed to keep me in a bit of a stupor when I was awake but they did help me get through that phase.
I know they aren't ideal but needs must.
Take care
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I have just been looking through some old photographs of when we used to dance in the senior amateurs, so I thought I would put one up as my avatar.
I have nearly gone all day without a tear, but still feel so lonely.
This forum seems very slow today.
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I'm sure you'll have many happy memories from your 'dancing days' to comfort you. I was always a big disappointment to Chris. My being in possession of two left feet was something I didn't declare before we got married :smiley:
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I still have all the sympathy cards on the mantle piece, after 18 days, is this normal or should I put them away somewhere.
I thought I was doing well, I have hardly cried for the last two days but an old friend got in touch today and it all came flooding back and I feel so alone again.
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I had the cards up for quite a while Definitely more than a month and possibly quite a bit longer. I still have them in a cupboard but I don't know why. Reading them is so upsetting.
You'll have those ups and downs for quite a while. Just as you think your doing well, bang, you realise your not. Over time it does get easier to cope but sometimes the improvement is so subtle you don't even notice it. I cannot go for days without crying (except for bedtime) but still have lousy days.
Take care.
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There's no should or shouldn't and there's only one person who knows what is right for you Alan. IIRC I took mine down after about 3 weeks. That was when my cleaning lady asked if she could just take them down to dust and, "she would put them back again". That prompted the decision, I took them down and put them in a drawer, but it was me who decided :smiley:
Hubby is right about the ups and downs. After almost a year I'm still having really bad days but there's always something that comes along eventually to pull you out of it. For me it's usually my youngest grandson who's just started secondary school.
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Just reading all your posts, brings the memory of the cards when i lost my hubby, i had them up for nearly a month, just couldnt bring myself to move them, it heartened me to see how many people sent there condolences, then all at once i stopped being heartened by them and i got angry, that was the time for me to take them down, of course i still have them in my memory drawer along with the ones from when i lost my son, 29 year ago, and both mum and dads, it doesnt seem right to throw them away, my whole life is in that drawer. But its 2 years for me now, i mostly get along okay, will never get used to the loneliness, still have bad days where i just want to curl up in a ball, but those days pass, hugs to you all xx
:hug: :hug: :hug:
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Thanks for your replies, I will leave them up till I feel the time is right to remove them.
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I kept mine up for a good few weeks after the funeral because it felt like I was surrounded with love. I then decided to collect them up and I put them all together in a glass bowl on the windowsill, where they still are- just over four months later.
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It is now six months today since Dorothy passed away, I still miss her so much.
I do not cry so much now, but occasionally a memory will cause the tears to flow.
The loneliness does not seem to get any better, but I have now accepted that I will never see my soulmate again.
I do not know if I will ever be able to move on, but the only alternative is becoming a lonely old man, which my wife would not have wanted for me.
How fast time passes, it still seems like only yesterday that I was holding her hand as she passed into the next world, I was certainly not prepared for the grief thar I am still experiencing, but it is starting to lessen.
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I have now accepted that I will never see my soulmate again.
This happened to me at around the same time Alan and I felt that it was a waypoint for me.
After 18 months I still have really bad days but I'm well through all those first anniversaries that seem so bad as they approach but afterwards turn out to be no better or worse than any other day (at least that's my experience).
I've got my 70th coming up in April so I'm wondering how that will go. I'm taking the whole family out for a meal so I'll have plenty of company but like every family event that happens now it's tinged with a "if only Chris could have been here to see this" thought.
Like you I can't see that things are going to change a deal for me now *but* the days are getting longer and the daffs are out in the garden, if only Chris could be here to see them :smiley:.