Four days

[Cairo]

It sounds as if you did really well. Now you must concentrate on taking care of yourself as it will have taken a lot out of you physically and emotionally. Keep talking xx

[Karena]

Please keep coming back and talking too us we will be here to try and help you get through each day one small step at at a time.
keep hold of those happy memorys,In my wardrobe I have costume that I sewed for Keith after persuading him we and another friend should go to a fancy dress 70,s Xmas bash as the sweet,that is the song we sang, and that was him ready to go along with anything and full of fun so for me too there is poignancy in it i cant bring myself to part with that costume but also a true memory of the fun person it reminds me of.

[Hubby]

I tried to sleep all day today. I didn't want to get up at all. When I did I just had this feeling that everything was pointless and sat and cried, I went to a doctors appointment and cried, came home and cried (can you see a pattern emerging).

Then I stopped crying. I have just had a minor success in managing to cook a bit of meat in the oven without destroying it and paired it up with microchips to feed me and my eldest daughter and I'm feeling a bit better now.

Just having a lie down now (still so tired) but I'm going to have a go at tidying up later. I'm figuring the more I get involved in this new normal he sooner I may start to accept it.

She's probably up there now laughing at my attempts to do what she did so easily.

[longedge]

We have a long and painful road ahead of us and I'm only a little way down that road ahead of you. If you have the chance to do so, then I'd recommend joining a support group in a couple of months time perhaps. I think generally speaking that you need that first 2-3 months to come out of the initial shock, I certainly did and everyone I've spoken to felt the same way. For now take tings easy and be kind to yourself.

[Cleo]

Gosh, the tiredness was unrelenting to start with.  I then made myself so busy that I made myself ill so find a happy medium.  I understand what you mean about pointless, everything feels pointless without the love of my life.  Remember you have your chikdren, they will keep you going. 

[longedge]

She's probably up there now laughing at my attempts to do what she did so easily.

I always realised that it was Chris who made everything happen, all the gardening, re-decorating, cleaning, buying for grandkids, christmas, birthdays etc. etc. etc. even though I was doing a lot of the work but she was the driving force. I try but I'm totally inadequate but the trouble is I can hear her telling me off all the time for my shortcomings. I hear her a lot and it isn't always complimentary 

[Karena]

 :hug:bless you of course you are not useless,but no-one picks these things up overnight, it is a steep learning curve,  for anyone let alone when you are exhausted through trauma like this,but gradually all these little practicalitys will become normal to you. As for the telling off I still can hear the tellings off when i take on something too heavy, and i can still hear him, laughing at me when i do something stupid.
its not just us either, My friend died just before Keith they were great friends with each other and Knowing i was always talking too him still, her husband rang one night and said can you ask Keith to ask Dot where she kept the kitchen scissors because she wont tell me she,s too busy laughing at me trying to cut bacon rind off with a bread knife.

But also i still refer to Keith for things, when the camper van breaks down, remembering the basic steps he went through to find the fault,when i,m trying to do some DIY what tool should i use, and occasionally i might have offered him a victory salute when i get it right just as i would have if he was here.Also thinking what he would have said in a situation, what he would have advised the kids about something,often by thinking like that i find the answers are more clear to me.

[Hubby]

Thanks for the replies 

Bit of same old, same old day today. Got up latish, bit of a cry. Had a go at tidying bedroom and the dreaded wardrobes. Had big cry. Filled a big bag with stuff Margaret has never used for charity shop. Will maybe take that down tomorrow.

I've taken down all the bereavement cards. They weren't helping at all.

I never know when the crying will hit me. I can look at things that I think should upset me and ... nothing. Then I spot something which has meant nothing to me and, bang, I'm off in floods and it becomes the most important thing in the world.

Eating is a problem too. It's not that I can't eat. I just don't feel hunger at all and forget to eat if that makes sense to anybody. 

Not much progress today.

[longedge]

I never know when the crying will hit me. I can look at things that I think should upset me and ... nothing. Then I spot something which has meant nothing to me and, bang, I'm off in floods and it becomes the most important thing in the world.

Absolutely the same for me, although I don't break into floods very often now but the strangest most unexpected things send me into deep despair. If you haven't already come across it yet, try googling "Whirlpool of grief". It will throw up lots of reading matter that might help you to visualise what's going on.

Wish I could the say the same when it comes to eating - I can't stop and I'm in danger of not being able to fit into any of my clothes!!

[Cairo]

I hear my George telling me things as well. I don't always agree with what he says but that's how it was when he was alive as well. OMG I found it so hard to write 'when he was alive'.

[Hubby]

Thanks for replies.

I know what you mean Cairo. I was having quite a good morning. I replaced an electrical socket that wouldn't let go of a plug(???), took some stuff to the charity shop, did a little shopping, spoke to the NHS counselling service (two weeks wait to be told I have to wait another week for an initial assessment?) and even dealt with some rip off credit check company that have been helping themselves to £6 a month of my wife's money for doing nothing (They got a bit of anger).

All without a tear.

Then I had to fill in a Birthday card for my youngests 27th birthday.

Margaret had already bought the card, presents and even arranged for cash to put in the card. All I had to do was sign it. After 45 minutes of absolute bawling I settled for 'Have a nice birthday from mum and dad'. It seemed so stupid. Not right at all but the best I could do.

Margaret would have arranged a little family get together with sandwiches cut in triangles and cakes and stuff. I'm really going to miss that sort of thing.

God bless you marg. 

[Cairo]

Oh I had a little weep at that myself. It is all so sad isn't it?

Sounds as if you're doing really well. Are you managing to sleep any better now?

[Hubby]

Sleep is courtesy of tablets. One tablet gives me about 6 hours sleep then I wake up and stay in a sort of half sleep phase until I decide to get up. The doctor only gives me 5 a week in case I take he lot so I have to decide what nights I don't want to sleep. It's not ideal but I have to be off the tablets before I even think of going back to work or I am not allowed to do my job.

I don't like relying on tablets anyway but needs must

[longedge]

It might not be to everybody's taste but I listen to audio books. Our County library have them available for download and I have them on my iPhone. The app has a sleep timer and I go to sleep every night listening and just re-wind and put it back on again several times a night when I wake. It's been a life saver for me as I get lost in the book and stop the endless round and round thoughts that keep me awake otherwise.

[Hubby]

Sounds like a good tip. I like reading and at the moment I do it on a kindle. I'm in the middle of Les miserables believe it or not. Listening would certainly make dropping off a lot easier than reading.