Four days

[Hubby]

5 weeks today since they turned Margaret's ventilator off.

I think the shock and numbness has worn off and now I have a deep feeling of sadness and emptiness. It is at its worst when things are 'normal'. I can be sat there watching telly and, without any trigger, it suddenly hits me that she's not there anymore and I break down crying.

She was everything to me. Life just seems so pointless without her.

[Hubby]

Don't know why but I am having a horrendous day today. I got a good sleep eventually but I spent hours sobbing after I woke up. I've only just managed to stop and drag myself downstairs. 

[Karena]

  :hug:hope the day got better.

[Hubby]

Thanks Karena.

My daughter came round with her partner and my grandson and the mother in law like they used to every Sunday when Margaret was here but all the fun has gone out of the house. They left earlier than normal and my eldest has gone to bed. I feel so alone.

Everything seems so pointless.

[Emz2014]

  take it one day at a time, hour by hour if needed xx

[Hubby]

Thanks emz.

Today is much the same as yesterday. I managed to get to sleep without tablets at 4am but woke at 9. I tried to go back to sleep but couldn't. I felt scared. Eventually I decided to get up but nearly collapsed then the sobbing started.

I've tried to get through to CRUSE but all their counsellors are busy so I've left a message and hope they will get back to me.

I've loads of things to do but just can't find the motivation.

Did anyone else have a massive dip at around the six week point?

[Karena]

I think massive dips are common at various times..have you tried any other ways of getting to sleep did you go cold turkey on the sleeping tablets,when you were scared what were you scared of.I,m wondering if not sleeping until 4am is making you even more stressed,stressed at not sleeping maybe triggering a kind of panic attack.I had those too but usually out somewhere.5 hours sleep doesn't seem a lot but if I have six I consider it a lie in.
With the things to do try set yourself a goal to do just one tomorrow then give yourself a pat on the back,and set another for the next day.often that can seem so overwhelming  you end up doing nothing but that feeling of not getting anything done can also esculate into lack of sleep and even panic attacks without you realising it is on your mind.

[Hubby]

Thanks Karena

I don't know what it is I am scared of but the feeling I get is the same as I have experienced while waiting for an operation. A strange feeling of dread and being on edge. I went cold turkey on the sleeping pills but I think I will take one tonight.

I managed to go shopping today which always upsets me. I also rang the CQC regarding what I believe was an inexcusable delay in Margaret receiving treatment and managed to take the dog for a long walk.

Tomorrow I have to get some flowers for the grave as wednesday would have been our 32nd wedding anniversary. I am not looking forward to that especially as my eldest has told me that Margaret had already bought a present for me.

Just thinking about that has set me off again. 

[Emz2014]

   xx

[longedge]

Margaret had already bought a present for me. Just thinking about that has set me off again.

Christmas was an awful time for me. My eldest gave me a Bird Box camera saying that 'Mum' had told her to. I really don't know how I got through that. I know that Chris' last days were spent worrying about me and giving the girls 'last minute' instructions.
It tore me apart and still does - but I'm still here as you will be in the months to come....

[Karena]

My anniversary is coming up too. I think the anticipation is sometimes worse than the day especially with the firsts of everything.
There were no presents for me  it wasn't expected he wouldn't be here .Sad as it sounds I bought myself one,something I just knew he would have bought if he had seen it.Trying to ignore anniversary's and carry on as normal doesn't work for me so I plan something to mark it rather than try. That way I,m focussed on doing something positive not the negatives of why he isn't here.Treasure the gift she bought for you, even if it brings you pain because it was an act of love for you that inspired her to buy it and having had that love in your life at all is very special.I am often lonely and ache for him to come back still,l but I know that I was blessed to have had him in my life and that he loved me and I am glad of that.

[Hubby]

Thanks for the replies.

I've had a strange sort of day. Usual sleep after one tablet but I managed to go back to sleep after waking too early which is new. I got a few phone calls this morning one was a ring back from CRUSE a bit late from when I wanted to speak to someone but still calming. The other was from the CQC inspector telling me they had filed my complaint. I also went to the GP again and got more pills and took the dog out.

I've had a couple of little cries but not as major as the past few days. Still very weak and tired.

I've not got the flowers yet but I am planning on going to the grave tomorrow so will have to get some in the morning. That's typical of me. If Margaret were here I would be flapping at the last minute looking for an anniversary present while she would have planned everything weeks, if not months, in advance. she really was everything to me. I am lost. 

I hope all of you are having good days.

[Soleil]

Hi Hubby,

I think you will have to expect that no day will be the same, some may be ok, others not so good. It's just the cycle of grief. Sure sounds like you had a good marriage and have lost someone very special. More hugs

 

[Rosaleen]

Hi hubby
 I hope your visit today goes as OK as it can be , and brings you less pain than you might have been expecting.
. I'm in a support group,  having lost my partner of 34 years, George on 1st November last year.
Myself and others there  (as Karena also says ) who've all had these 'milestones' , these  first birthdays, anniversaries,  agree that the dread, the anticipation of the day is worse than the actual day itself. .But I expect for you it may be  be harder, because  it's so close to when you lost Margaret.

talking to your loved one when you're out walking the  dog  is something I do too.
 

[Karena]

Hope today was better than you were.anticipating.
Reading your post I smiled when I read the bit about you being last minute and her being organised we were the other way round,but also in time you will come to think of the little things like that and smile through the tears.To this day whenever I do something daft I look at the sky put my thumb up and smile because I know exactly what he would have called me.and the affection behind it,and that's what i meant when i said before that i am blessed to have had the time i did with him the little every day things that say I love you in such a big way.