Four days

[Hubby]

I did mow the lawn and took the dog out but only to the park.

Only two cries since my earlier sobfest. One coming home from the park and another when I saw a picture of her on the digital photo frame. Other than that not such a bad day.

Of course the day is not over yet.

*morning update*

Spoke too soon last night. Popped my sleeping pill and cried myself to sleep. Had quite a good sleep. Woke with that heavy feeling in my chest again and had another cry. Now determined to do something positive around the house.

Hope you all have a good day.

[Hubby]

Counselling.

I was recommended by my GP for bereavement counselling on the Tuesday after Margaret passed away. Today I got the phone call which was my telephone assessment. A series of questions about my feelings over the past two weeks (NOT the full time since I lost my wife) to be answered with numbers along the lines of "is your sleep affected?"

I answered them all and then, when the questions were finished they wanted a few more details.

That's when they asked a question which tore my heart out and rammed it down my throat.

What was your wife's name?

Was? WAS? My wife's name IS Margaret.

That question has destroyed me. I can't even think it without breaking down 

Back to the counselling. Assessment over they tell me that the waiting time for the NHS bereavement counselling is 24 weeks!!! They have referred me to a charity that offers counselling with a waiting time of six weeks.

Nothing happens fast.

[longedge]

Absolute classic case of things said causing hurt without meaning to.

I was only pondering yesterday on whether to post a thought that has been going through my head while I've been here. That was how much I like the fact that everyone refers to their lost loved ones by name. I might occasionally say my wife if it fits better but Chris is still my wife and always will be in my mind just the same way as I'm sure you feel about Margaret, your wife.

Keep reminding yourself that the person on the other end didn't mean to hurt ( how about a 'man hug icon' coz I'm not ready to kiss you yet  )

p.s. - Re length of time. The group that I went to ran for 6 weeks and everyone had lost partners some 3 months before it started. I was told that they had found that most people got more out of the help after the initial shock had started to ease. We are all different but sadly there are a lot of people in our position and I suppose that sometimes generalisations have to be made.

[Karena]

Hubby the questions as much as anything are tick box ones, they have to fill in to get the funding,you will probably be asked them again at the end of counselling,six weeks seems like forever now but it really isnt,and the consensus seems to be that it is more effective to start that bit later.I know it feels cruel but after a while you wont hear words like "was" quite so loudly sometimes even overheard conversations hurt, i had to leave a shop once because one woman told her friend she had left hubby at home cos he is a nuisance, i know what she actually meant was -when shopping,   i might even have said the same myself once in the same joking kind of way ,but everything comes with a big dose of sensativity at the moment.
I still think of myself as married still wear my rings still say mrs, still have married status on fb i dont expect that will ever change.

[Dave Administrator]

That's when they asked a question which tore my heart out and rammed it down my throat.

What was your wife's name?

Was? WAS? My wife's name IS Margaret.

That question has destroyed me. I can't even think it without breaking down 

Maybe it could be something you should bring to their attention of how hurtful such a careless phrasing of that question can be for a newly bereaved person so raw still like you are.

 Be interesting to ask them what do they mean "was" my wife's name has it changed since her death then? or "is" it still her name?

Whoever wrote those questions I doubt has ever lost someone close to them.

[Hubby]

Probably won't hear from the NHS counselling service again now they have farmed me out to a charity counselling service.

Strange day today. All day I've My eldest has gone for a little break to York so I've had the house to myself since 10. Had a little sob then a good Hoover up. My youngest came round and we took the dog tithe market. While I was there I paid off the outstanding balance of the funeral bill. Came home and got sausage roll crumbs all over the carpet again. 

Got a letter from home insurance and called them to change a few details. It was easier than last time I called them so that's a positive.

Then I went to the supermarket and had a couple of little cries in the aisles. I don't know what it is about walking round there but it's just full of triggers. ended up getting a salad for my tea and some clothes for our grandchild.

I have been expecting a call today from the hospitals liaison service over Margaret being left in A&E for 4 hours but they never rang. I wasn't really ready for it anyway but I've left a message for them to contact me whenever.

One of Margaret's friends sent round a nice picture of them together. It really captured Margaret's cheeky face. That set me off for a bit.

now I'm home alone. Lots of jobs to be getting on with but its so quiet in the house. Feels really unnatural and cold.

[longedge]

Then I went to the supermarket and had a couple of little cries in the aisles. I don't know what it is about walking round there but it's just full of triggers. ended up getting a salad for my tea and some clothes for our grandchild.

It's not a good place for me either. I've ended up in tears in the aisle before now and just headed for the checkout without getting most of what I came for 

[Pauline Mc]

I think we've all done that - been somewhere and for no reason whatsoever just burst into tears.  I lost my partner Lance suddenly in 2014.  The tears are less frequent but only yesterday I ended up breaking down again.  I don't believe we ever get over it - just learn to live a different life xx

[Karena]

Maybe its not the supermarket itself but the kind of activity you did together just the everyday and ordinary that you never think about until you have to do it alone.Then there is the stuff,Keith used to buy me jelly babies and now I can't bring myself to buy them for myself or even look at them without a jolt.

An empty house is a problem my worst time used to be Friday night because I knew I probably wouldn't speak to another person until Monday.To counteract it I used to make it treat night,luxury bath candles music etc to make sure I had something to look forward too.Its OK now I have got used too it and like everyone else in a boring job look forward to the weekend but I still always have a list of things to do over the weekend but make sure at least one of them is something I want rather than have to do.
If you had timed the sausage roll eating better the dog would have hoovered up for you.

[Hubby]

Thanks for the replies.

I think the supermarket has to be the worst place. There are couples walking round everywhere, clothes I would have bought for Margaret, family meal deals, two dine for £10 offers, aisles of wife and mother greetings cards not to mention all the food I would have bought knowing Margaret would cook it and now I wouldn't have a clue what to do with. It seems relentless.

I've had a horrible night. I found a hair band in the bathroom which I thought was the one the hospital put in Margaret's hair when she went on the ventilator and went into a complete meltdown. After about 45 minutes I rang my daughter in York and she told me that it was her hairband she had taken out that morning. I calmed down a bit and went to bed but forgot to take the sleeping pill. After a few hours of sobbing I remembered to take it at four in the morning. I've been awake since twelve but my head is spinning and I've only just got up. I think the sleeping pill is still doing whatever it does.

[Karena]

Sorry you had a bad night. 
Forgot about all the two for one stuff.I rarely go to a supermarket nearest one is a long way off. Have to admit its not my favourite place  either.is there no way you can avoid it, for now, shop at the market or corner shop  perhaps or send your daughter. 

[Hubby]

Thanks Karena

Took my tablet early last night and got  seven hours sleep albeit in two installments. Took dog for a walk to the cemetery this morning where I had a good cry. 

This afternoon I did a bit of painting in the yard then went for another walk with the dog. My daughter is round now and we're cooking tea as best we can (Margaret would always do Sunday night tea).

With being busy and having people round today hasn't been so bad but it's not over yet.

[Emz2014]

That sounds like good progress 
With the shopping you could see if your local supermarkets deliver where you are, you could do online ordering for a bit whilst it's raw/painful to go to the shop (I'm not a fan of going food shopping and do mine online with a cuppa or glass of wine! Saves me time). Or, perhaps the local shop like karena suggested, a different environment xx

[Hubby]

Yesterday wasn't so bad until everyone left and I was alone again. Had a bit of a night of crying and generally feeling sorry for myself. I've taken the dog for a walk this morning and had a bit of a cry in the park. Now lounging and watching telly. Could go either way today I think.

[Hubby]

Got the call from the hospital regarding my complaint. They just took basic details and said they would get back to me. Managed to actually open a letter addressed to Margaret and slot it in the right file.

People round all afternoon. I was really tired and slightly spaced out from the sleeping pills I think.

They have just gone and I've had a major bout of sobbing.

I miss Margaret so much.