Author Topic: STRUGGLING WITH THE EMPTINESS  (Read 2815 times)

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Offline Jill

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STRUGGLING WITH THE EMPTINESS
« on: August 28, 2019, 06:14:50 PM »
I think about my husband every second of the day.  I am keeping very very busy to try and deal with the pain.  Yesterday I just stood in the supermarket car park crying.  I am living in France and trying to sell our house.  I am trying to declutter and make the garden look nice etc.  It is not at all the same as tidying the house and garden for myself and my husband.  I go for days without speaking to a soul.  I might get a Bonne journee on the checkout once or twice a week and that's it.  We celebrated our 25th Wedding Anniversary in March and on 27 July he died.  He had prostate cancer and it had returned.  He was getting radiotherapy in hospital and then there were complications.  They told me and my husband he was very very ill on Friday afternoon and Saturday night he died.  I too made the mistake of going home, which I regret now.  The more wonderful and caring and kind a person is, the more you are going to miss them.  And I miss him so much.  I just need to tell someone who understands.  I didn't know until now what this sort of loss feels like so I don't expect other people to understand who haven't been in this position.  I wish I was at least in England with my family.  Please try to help me get through this.  Jill

Offline Emz2014

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Re: STRUGGLING WITH THE EMPTINESS
« Reply #1 on: August 28, 2019, 08:25:46 PM »
Im sure you will find others here who understand.  Its not an easy journey, hope the forum helps  :hug:
Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise. 
Hold on in there xx

Offline Jill

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Re: STRUGGLING WITH THE EMPTINESS
« Reply #2 on: August 28, 2019, 08:55:19 PM »
Thanks Emz.  Jill

Offline longedge

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Re: STRUGGLING WITH THE EMPTINESS
« Reply #3 on: August 28, 2019, 09:25:00 PM »
 :hug: I so understand what you are saying Jill.

I had several 'moments' early on and twice it was at the supermarket. One of them was in the main aisle when I bumped into a nurse from the hospice and she was crying because she'd seen me and I "looked so forlorn". We ended up hugging one another and crying together. I was a typical bloke until about 4 years ago. I had never understood how overwhelming the misery that overtakes us is and I was in my late 60's. Less than 2 weeks after Chris died, I had to take our dog to the vets to be 'put to sleep'. For the first and only time in my life I could not speak, I had a converstaion with the vet just by (watery) eye contact and nodding the memory still makes me shudder.

The old saying about "walk a mile in my shoes" is so true, I'm still here and coping. Things do get easier but it's a hell of a bumpy ride  :smiley:

I wish you strength.
I'll never get over losing her and I used to think that eventually
I would learn to live with it - that's not happened yet.

        ~ I'm George by the way ~

Offline Sandra61

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Re: STRUGGLING WITH THE EMPTINESS
« Reply #4 on: August 29, 2019, 12:07:47 AM »
Thinking of you Jill. If you have no one else to talk to, you have us at least.  :hearts:

Being left on my own after my mum died, I made a plan, a list of short-term priorities and longer-term goals and an outline of how I would bring them about. I found this helped me feel less like my life was out of my control. It sounds to me like you too need to make a plan. You can't change what has happened and it doesn't sound as if you are enjoying life in France without your husband, so perhaps you need to set about working out how you are going to effect a move back to somewhere where you will have people closer by.

Finding this website was key to helping me feel less isolated and then finding something to do a couple of times a week that would get me out and amongst people for a few hours also helped me cope better and start to feel a bit better for some of the time at least.

I think we all go through those 'moments'. I know I have had to make a dash for the ladies loos once or twice when I knew I was about to break down and I dissolved into tears at my desk at work too after speaking to a particularly nasty man on the phone. I had a job not to cry at the bank too when I was closing my mum's account. It's no good fighting it. It's too hard to bear. Hopefully those who are unfortunate enough to be in the vicinity at the time will be understanding enough to be kind at least, rather than leave us to it. We all need a hug once in a while at such times. Sending you a huge virtual one, Jill. You are not alone.  :hug:

Offline Charlotte

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Re: STRUGGLING WITH THE EMPTINESS
« Reply #5 on: August 29, 2019, 07:19:27 AM »
My husband died suddenly just over 2 months ago - I too weep all over the place, on train platforms, at work, in shops...grief is just so overwhelming. Loneliness is inevitable, but I think it does make it worse if you have no-one to talk to. Even if you are going to move back to the UK, it might be worth talking to your doctor in France. I live in Belgium and I’m seeing a grief therapist here, which does help. I know language might be a problem, but you may be able to find one who speaks English. Could you maybe try skyping with friends and family in the UK? At least that would ensure that you have someone to talk to every day. I really feel for you - and you’re right, no-one understands until they go through it themselves. Try to be kind to yourself and give yourself some time to rest and grieve too. I can’t say that as the months pass it gets easier, but you do start to learn ways to deal with all that pain, even if it does continue to hit you in waves at unexpected moments. I’m sending you a big hug.

Charlotte

Offline Jill

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Re: STRUGGLING WITH THE EMPTINESS
« Reply #6 on: August 29, 2019, 07:52:21 AM »
I am a bit of a technophobe so I don't know how to send individual replies.  So to George I just wanted to say thanks for your reply and I have found if I break down crying in a very public place or in our garden, not a soul comes to offer comfort, I thought people were kinder than that.  Sandra thanks for your reply and 'It's no good fighting it, it's too hard to bear' yes that is very true.  That's why I keep so busy, just trying to fight it but as you say it's no good.  Charlotte thanks for your reply.  I don't skype, it just isn't my thing but my husband's three grown up children have sent e -mails almost every day and my sisters.  This has just about kept me sane.  Of course after a month people all start to disappear and then if you are lucky there are still one or two contacting you.  I feel like it is all up to me now, to get back to England and to keep in contact with people.  I have to make it happen now.  Thank you so much for all your replies, I really appreciate them.  Jill

Offline Karena

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Re: STRUGGLING WITH THE EMPTINESS
« Reply #7 on: August 29, 2019, 11:01:00 AM »
Jill Skype doesnt have to be video calling i think it works like whatsapp which i have - you can do either cll only or video calling as long as you have an internet connection - the difference is (with whatsapp anyway i dont know about skype)  - you are not paying a bill, the calls are free as long as the other person has it as well, so you can talk for longer and you can message, either instant or if one of you is away from the internet they will see the message when they get back into range.

I have a daughter in south Africa and was, like you a bit skeptical and not into the idea at all, but its actually really easy to set up -if you have a phone/tablet/ laptop or even a pc with microphone -  download the app from the appstore your system is related too, (Mine is play store) and it will guide you through and even show you which of your phone contacts also have whatsapp  so you dont need to make new contact lists etc - i wouldnt be without it now. 

Offline Jill

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Re: STRUGGLING WITH THE EMPTINESS
« Reply #8 on: August 29, 2019, 02:23:33 PM »
Hi Karena,  I know this sounds a bit crazy but I am going to get an up-to-date phone (I have a basic granny phone) and get wats app on it when I move back to England.  I have people over there who will help me buy it and show me how to use it and all the rest of it.  It was always pointless having anything here as I don't speak to anyone much.  To be honest my priority was looking after my husband, who was ill for a long time.  We were quite happy together watching the cricket or football and pottering round the garden, just simple folks!  My neighbours are coming round tomorrow so that will be nice.  I know what you are saying makes a lot of sense and I will do all that when I get back.  I am in a more positive frame of mind today and have got a lot done.  Thanks for your help.  Jill

Offline Karena

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Re: STRUGGLING WITH THE EMPTINESS
« Reply #9 on: August 30, 2019, 12:47:38 PM »
Hi Jill not crazy at all -i was also more than happy with a basic granny phone, and like you lived a life of more simple pleasure with my husband pottering in the garden or watching tv in front of the fire and more latterly caring for him.
When my daughter moved to south africa i put whatsapp on a work laptop which i used at home to enable me to continue working while doing so or i wouldnt have known about it -only after he died when i had to move house i became reliant on an upgraded phone to access the internet as it was  cheaper than buying another laptop and more flexible so i can use it anywhere i have access to wifi, it wasnt something i had planned or really wanted to do,  it just happend that way.
I am glad you are feeling in a more positive frame of mind today - it is a roller coaster journey and  i found the positive days are something we can cling too, knowing, as we struggle to get  through the lows  that there is such a thing as a better day ahead. :hug:

Offline Jill

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Re: STRUGGLING WITH THE EMPTINESS
« Reply #10 on: August 30, 2019, 02:44:04 PM »
Hi Karena,  Well so far I am having another positive day.  My lovely neighbours came round and their lovely doggy.  And some other friends came round as well so we had a lovely morning.  A beautiful yellow water lily has just flowered in the pond and that is lovely too.  I just enjoy these good bits and make the most of them while they last!!  At least I can see some light at the end of the tunnel, whereas some days I definitely can't even see the tunnel.  Thanks for your reply, I do really appreciate it.  Best wishes Jill