Author Topic: Lost my Dad and living away from my family  (Read 1861 times)

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Offline Lucyh91

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Lost my Dad and living away from my family
« on: June 30, 2019, 03:39:20 PM »
Hi all,
I'm not really sure where to start with this. I am in my late twenties and have been living and working abroad for the last three years as a teacher. I lost my 65 year old Dad to cancer in April this year. He was diagnosed a year before and I travelled home during every school holiday to see him, before finally taking leave from work once his treatment was withdrawn, I was home for his final three weeks and then for three more after, then had to leave again for work. I suppose I've said I'm fine to everyone who has asked and I've felt relatively fine, I've made myself so busy. Next week I will fly home to England for the summer and the realisation that for the first time my Dad won't be there when I arrive off the plane is making me dread getting on the plane, even though I can't wait to see my family. I'm also struggling to get the final images of my Dad out of my mind over the past week or so. If there's anyone who can relate to my experience or has any advice, it would be great to talk. I've considered counselling but with me being away for the summer it's not logistical at the moment.

Offline Sandra61

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Re: Lost my Dad and living away from my family
« Reply #1 on: July 01, 2019, 12:53:56 AM »
Sending you a welcome hug, Lucy.  :hug: so sorry to hear about your dad. I lost my own dad when I was in my twenties also, thirty-four years ago. Even so many years on, I still recall everything about those last few months and the night we lost him. I think the memories of those last times stay with you, but in time, the good memories do come to the fore more than the difficult ones.

It is hard to be so far away from your family, but I do think it will be good for you to get home and see them again. Although it can distract you to be back in your usual routine and to have to think about other things, you do need to find time to allow yourself to begin to adjust to the loss of your dad also, and I suspect it is the prospect of having that time at home without work to distract you that is making you uneasy about the thought of going home. I do think it will help you though. It will allow you to see how everyone else is coping so will hopefully ease any worries you may have on that front. It will also give you a chance to help if the rest of the family is having trouble with this.

I do recall that in my twenties I found it hard to talk about the loss of my father. I remember my mum needed to talk about him, so I don't think I was much help to her at the time. If you feel uneasy about going home for the same reason, there are some things that might help. I found it helps to revisit some of the places where you have good memories of the person you lost and not having work to worry about allows you time to think and start to process all that has happened, which is something you do need to do. You might also all want to try to put together an album of favourite photos of him and perhaps start a memory book or jar. Some people like to be able to have a jar with scraps of paper with memories of events they recall having enjoyed with their lost loved one or character traits that will make you smile when you think back on them. It all helps bring back the good times and make them clearer in your mind than the memories that are more difficult.

I wouldn't worry about returning home. I think you will find it comforting and reassuring to be around to be able to help and see how the rest of your family are coping. It may help to use the opportunity of being back with your family to do anything that may still need to be done. Sorting out all the practical matters that have to be dealt with can be daunting and take a long time. Also you will have a chance to do something together to remember your dad.

Holidays fly by and I suspect you will be feeling apprehensive about having to leave when it is time to go back to work again, even though you appear apprehensive about going home now. Look on it as a positive thing. It is. It will be good for you all to have time to see how you are all doing and reconnect with one another.

Grief is a tough thing to learn to live with, but slowly you do learn how to do that. Even so many years on, I still miss my dad every day and still talk to his portrait on the wall of my living room! I wish he was still here, but no one has their parents for ever. The legacy of their memory and the time you did spend together will always be with you though, so you will never really be without him, because he will be with you in your heart and in your memories.

Don't worry about coming home. I think it will do you good and will probably help. Keep talking to us here. There are all sorts of people who have suffered all kinds of losses here and I am sure someone will be able to give you some good advice along the way. Take care!  :hearts:
« Last Edit: July 01, 2019, 12:57:17 AM by Sandra61 »

Offline Lucyh91

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Re: Lost my Dad and living away from my family
« Reply #2 on: July 01, 2019, 03:27:57 PM »
Hello Sandra
Thank you so much for your thoughtful words. I think you've got me exactly right - my brain is usually working 100mph and going home and not working over the summer I just worry where my mind and thoughts will go. Since posting yesterday I've thought about what I'd like to do while I am at home and started booking a few things in with family and friends to try and have a positive trip back home, of course leaving enough time for family time and recharging my batteries too.

I do think that this forum has been a really good find for me, I'm not excellent at face to face chats about my feelings (I'm working on it!) And almost all my friends over here still have both parents and many still have grandparents so as supportive as they've been, I do feel that it is quite hard for them to understand what's going on or to know what to say to me. Hopefully I can help people in the same way that you have with me by sending this message, I'm really grateful for it.
Thanks again
Lucy

Offline Sandra61

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Re: Lost my Dad and living away from my family
« Reply #3 on: July 01, 2019, 06:53:25 PM »
Hi Lucy,

I note that you say people find it hard to relate to what you are going through, as many of them still have both parents and grandparents still. I would like to make you aware of another site that you might find useful also, especially in this regard. Try looking at Let's Talk about Loss. I am sure it will pop up if you type that into your search engine. It's a site for anyone under 35 who has suffered a bereavement and is full of useful advice and accounts from members about how they feel and how they have coped. It may help you as much as this site, as it is specifically for those of a younger age group.

I hope your trip home goes well. Do let us know.

Best wishes!

Sandra :hearts: