Author Topic: My wife died and now I feel so alone  (Read 2989 times)

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Offline Oldsoldier1970

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My wife died and now I feel so alone
« on: June 10, 2019, 10:55:03 PM »
Hi, I'm Craig. My wife died a month ago aged 55 and I am finding it incredibly difficult to cope. People think I am ok, but I'm not. People were very supportive when she died and her funeral was attended by many, but now everything has gone and people have over on. Yet I have this huge void. Just me and my dog now. I have nobody to really talk to. I was hoping I may find people who are having similar struggles on here. Thank you x

Offline Emz2014

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Re: My wife died and now I feel so alone
« Reply #1 on: June 11, 2019, 07:33:06 AM »
Sending you a welcome hug  :hug:
It is very familiar to many people here, that people drift back to their lives after the funeral, not realising/understanding the pain we are still coping with.  Its a slow journey which can be a bit of a rollercoaster but you're not alone here  :hearts: xx
Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise. 
Hold on in there xx

Offline Karena

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Re: My wife died and now I feel so alone
« Reply #2 on: June 11, 2019, 09:56:42 AM »
Hi Craig sending you a warm welcome. I found this site after my husband died. 8 years on i still miss him daily but i have learned to live with that,and to accept it will always be the case. But the pain is no longer as all consuming and life stopping as it was in the earlier days. Five months is a short time on this roller coaster of a journey so firsty be kind too yourself and take each day at a time some days will be worse than others, some days you will find yourself smiling or laughing at something and feel guilty, then you learn not to feel guilty.  I also found people disapeared, after a while i think they no longer know what to say too us but i also had to move house so that didnt help, generally i think i have learned to be more content with my own company, and the thing i found is you feel lonely then go out and see loads of couples around and feel just as lonely as when you were alone, and thats why it is such a roller coaster.
I decided i would do the things we used to love doing regardless of that evoking memorys of doing it together both of us lovd doing it so by not doing it and staying at home instead wasnt going to feel any better, so i got the campervan on the road, visited the places we loved to go,planted wild daffodills in those places. Went back to dolphin watching, then i did some of the things we talked about doing but never got round too, and some that he would have liked too and i would have sat out on - which forced me to perhaps be a bit more adventurous, but through doing those things i always felt that even though he wasnt physically here, he was always with me in a different way,and is still influencing what i do and how i think.But i wont deny getting to this was a long painful process.
Everyone here has lost some-one and having somewhere to write things down that i couldnt say to anyone, and the answers from others here really was instrumental in me getting through it.

Offline Sandra61

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Re: My wife died and now I feel so alone
« Reply #3 on: June 11, 2019, 10:18:58 AM »
Hello Craig,

I'm so sorry to hear about your wife. You will definitely find people to talk to here who understand. Sadly, it seems most people who have suffered a bereavement find that those not directly affected soon move on with their lives and you find yourself alone and unsupported. Even family members from whom you might expect support are not always there or ready to listen or lend support.

If you have anyone who has said that if they can help you should contact them, then do take them up on it. Go out and meet them for a coffee or at the pub or somewhere, as I think the other problem is that people often think someone who has been bereaved won't want to be contacted and will want to be left alone to deal with their grief and so feel they would be intruding if they made the first move. Also people just don't know what to say, so they will ask if you are alright, but will be stalled by you saying no, you're not! So, if you have anyone you can meet up with, go, and just talk about everyday things. It doesn't have to be about your wife or your loss. It does help a lot to get out of the house and think about something else for a while. It distracts you and gives you a break from dwelling on everything, as you do tend to do, if you just stay indoors.

It is probably too early yet for you to want to do this, but I found it helped to join a class where I made some new friends. It was an interest my mum, who I lost in 2017, had also enjoyed, so I didn't feel guilty about exploring it and it really helped me a lot. It gave me something to look forward to each week and to make me go out and be amongst other people and took me out of myself and made me think about something else for a while. It was the one thing that has helped me most in getting through this horrible process and I wouldn't be without it now. I have to say, some of the people I met there have been more supportive and kind than old friends or relatives. Some of them had also lost people so understood what I was feeling. One has lost someone since I started going and so we have ended up supporting one another.

In the early months after my mum died, I did cry lots and still cry sometimes, but less often now. I found it helped to write a journal of how I was feeling every day and what I was thinking about and the act of writing it down does seem to help you process it and get it out of your system. Also later, you can read it over and see how much progress you have made since then. Also, I found it helped to make an album of some of my favourite photos of her and to do little things that helped lift my mood, like putting flowers around the house or walking in the park. The flowers reminded me that there were still good things in the world to enjoy and the park I found a peaceful and calming place in which to sit and think and try to process all that had happened and how I was feeling. I still find that helps. Some people start a memory book and write down their memories of times spent with the person they have lost to dip into when they need to relive a memory of those times. I also found it helped to revisit some of the places where I had memories of having gone with my mum and though sad, it helped me remember all the good times we had together. Perhaps that is something you might try at some point.

Grief is an exhausting state to be in, so you do have to try to make yourself eat and drink properly. Sleep is a problem, so I find, if I can't sleep, it is better to get up and do something else and then try again when I feel ready. That's how I ended up finding this site, on one of those sleepless nights.

The other thing I have found it that grief isn't something that gets better on it's own. You have to find strategies that help you get through it. For me it was flowers and walks in the park and journal writing and trying to set about doing something about building a new life for myself in my altered circumstances. For you, it may be something else, but after a complete meltdown about six months after I lost my mum, I made a plan for the future and I am sticking to that, and I find that helps me longer term too.

The grief and the memories don't go away. Grief is not something you get over and then move on with your life, though those who haven't yet experienced it may think that it is. It will be with you always and there will be times you are sad and times when you feel a bit better. It is more about finding a way to live with it and to build a life in the new circumstances that you find yourself in, so it inevitably takes a long time and that time is painful and hard, so you can only deal with it one day at a time and if you are having a good day, great, but if you are having  bad day, be kind to yourself and do whatever helps to get through it.

Loss is probably the hardest thing any of us ever has to go through and nothing will ever fill the void, but you do get more used to it with time. You don't have choice. All you can do is be grateful for the time you had with the person you have lost, slowly reach acceptance that what has happened, has happened and you can't change it and you will find that although she is gone, she remains in your heart and in your memories and that your life was the richer for having known her. I still talk out loud at home to those I have lost and I can hear what the answers would have been often, so in a way, they never leave you. They were a part of your life and that remains with you and helped shape who you are and that is their legacy to you. Their not being there physically is hard to bear, but the chances are that they made the most of their lives while they were here and would want you to do the same, so we who have lost people owe it to them to do that, for them. If you had plans for the future with your wife, but never got to do those things together, do them anyway, for both of you. Then at least, when and if you ever meet again, you will have some things to tell her about and to reassure her that you tried to make the best of things after she was gone.

You are not alone, Craig, not here. We all understand what you are going through. Sending you strength and a welcome hug.  :hug:

Offline Oldsoldier1970

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Re: My wife died and now I feel so alone
« Reply #4 on: June 16, 2019, 09:55:43 AM »
Thanks very much for the advice in your replies. I can relate to some of the things you all mention, the struggle is very real. I find keeping myself busy helps. I have my garden and I have just booked to take my dog over to France in our camper van on 28th June. We planned to go as a couple but sadly that wasn't yo be. I'll take her ashes with me. 12 days of touring around Brittany, fishing, eating, drinking fine wine and people watching from coffee houses. I'm looking firward to it. Thankyou

Offline Sandra61

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Re: My wife died and now I feel so alone
« Reply #5 on: June 16, 2019, 11:54:19 AM »
Hello again,

I'm so glad you're going on this trip and I am glad you will take  your wife's ashes with you. You can experience everything for both of you and I am sure she will be with you in spirit! Have as good a time as you can. I think it is so important to continue making the best of your own life after you lose someone. It really helps you find the strength to keep going and look to the future.

I am sure it will be an emotional trip and you will have mixed feelings about it, but I am sure you are doing the right thing. Enjoy, if and when you can. I'll be thinking of you.

Sending you a hug.  :hug:
« Last Edit: June 16, 2019, 11:58:57 AM by Sandra61 »

Offline Emz2014

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Re: My wife died and now I feel so alone
« Reply #6 on: June 16, 2019, 04:38:22 PM »
Hope the journey/trip goes well with your dog, dogs are such a comfort - help us to maintain routine, my dogs really helped me get through many bad times  :hearts: xx
Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise. 
Hold on in there xx

Offline green dragon

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Re: My wife died and now I feel so alone
« Reply #7 on: June 16, 2019, 10:32:47 PM »
I like your idea of taking the ashes along on a trip you planned together. I hope you and the dog have a great time :-)

Offline Karena

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Re: My wife died and now I feel so alone
« Reply #8 on: June 17, 2019, 10:35:29 AM »
My hubby had a daft hat he kept in the campervan which i left there, plus i have a laminated phot of him permanantly above the sun visor - sadly the van itself finally gave in to rust last year,but having considered getting something more "sensible" for all of five minutes,and not wanting to just scrap it i contacted a guy who takes them apart for spares - initially with a wild hope he could sort it which he couldnt but i figured the engine could go into something else and continue to have new adventures.A week later he contacted me he had one in to sell and i couldnt say no - he transferred the passenger and driver seats from my old one and of course the hat came too so it still feels like he is travelling with me.
The great thing about them is you can chose to socialise, but at the same time it is always close by for those moments you need to be on your own away from people  -i hope that this trip will be more sweet than bitter for you. :hug:   

Offline Oldsoldier1970

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Re: My wife died and now I feel so alone
« Reply #9 on: June 17, 2019, 12:44:50 PM »
This is like being in a club that nobody would ever want to be in  :rofl:

I have collections on my walls of pictures from our travels,  we did the North Coast 500, a tour along the coastal route round Scotland, many memories there, and through France, along the coast of Normandy and then down the west coast to the Pyrenees. I would definately recommend doing this type of holidays, I'm just a little apprehensive. I mean, I've found I talk to myself more now she's gone!  :coffeetoast:

Offline Emz2014

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Re: My wife died and now I feel so alone
« Reply #10 on: June 17, 2019, 04:28:14 PM »
Absolutely - its the club noone would choose to be in.  But strangely its an amazingly supportive club, and it surprised me that I have made many friends - ones online but also ones I've met in person. I never thought any good could happen, and I would give anything to have my loved ones back, but am grateful for the people I have met. Have some lovely memories from the meet ups too (sometimes members meet up in a group)

At least with a dog around people will just assume you're talking to your dog  :wink:  since my losses I talk to myself/out loud alot more, I try not to worry about it.  We all have our little quirks and if its not hurting anyone its fine  :hearts:

You can share your experiences each day on your journey with us if you like, if you'll have data/wifi connection.  Not the same, but we'll understand the potential mixed feelings xx
Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise. 
Hold on in there xx

Offline Karena

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Re: My wife died and now I feel so alone
« Reply #11 on: June 18, 2019, 10:50:23 AM »
Thats a good idea it would be lovely to hear about your journey the highs and lows - if you cant get a connection maybe you could do a journal and put it on when you get back.