BEREAVEMENTUK SUPPORT FORUM
Bereavement Support Posts => Please Post In This Bereavement Support Posting Room => Topic started by: Scared1 on December 09, 2017, 05:19:45 PM
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I don't know how people cope with this. It's unbearable. Living when you've lost everyone who loved you unconditionally is just meaningless long painful hours dragged out crying constantly . I want to join them so desperately but I know I must wait until it's my natural time to go, so I hopefully get to see them again. I just hope I don't have to wait years. I'm so alone
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Hi, sending a hug :hug:
I feel acared like you, I hate being alone.
It is a struggle and I think that whwn everyone around is jolly and looking forward to Christmas makes it more lonely..I try to join in but it is false face..
Hope for some peace for all who feel like this
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Hi gingey, thanks so much , sending a hug back . Yes i think christmas us making things even worse , such a hard time of year if you don't have the ones you love and yes I understand what you mean by putting on the false face when you're around people x
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Hi sending you hugs x I can totally relate to how you are feeling, since I lost Mum in August nothing seems worth everything I do I want to tell her about and I cry endlessly, but sometimes, just sometimes I feel just a little bit okay! Christmas is really pulling into me, as I expect it is you and everyone else x
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Hi twinkle , I'm sorry for the loss of your mum , yes it's so so hard when you can't share things with them isn't it. I did have the bit where very occasionally I felt okay but that was when it first all happened, I think somewhere deep down I still didn't really believe it. Now the longer it goes on, the longer I realise I'm alone, the worse it's getting. Thank you to you and gingey for replying xxxxx
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Hi, wow was exactly the same as you, when it first happened it was such a shock and so traumatic me trying to do c p r and save her I think I somehow like you I just dealt with everything not really taking on board what had happened, and now like you, it is just getting worse and worse, and the fact that everyone including my husband seems to think I should be better makes it harder, like you I feel totally alone, do you think that means we are just going through the grief process in another way, I just know I want to sit and cry and be with my Mum xxx
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Hi twinkle, yes it's so hard when people think you should be through the worst of it and should be making plans for the future and moving on. I can imagine it must be hard if your husband feels like that too (I'm not married and don't have a partner ). I really have no idea how I'm going to get through it all , I do just sit and cry and pray I'll join them soon. It's so unbelievably hard I feel like I'm going out of my mind sometimes x
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I feel like both of you.
However I am finding.it difficult to cry...I did earlier in rhisvjourney but now I feel is all bottled up inside and shows in other ways...anxiety, racing heart, feeling scared and alone...even sometimes when.I am.with my son or my sister. A strange feeling.. sometimes think crying may help release bit of stress
Anyone experience similar, suggestions and advice welcome
:hug:
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I can't cry when I'm with other people . I just pretend sort of pretend I'm ok . I too have terrible anxiety , and feel scared and alone , it stops me from doing a lot which I know would be a good distraction, bit of a vicious cycle xx
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Thanks..
How do you deal with anxiety, I am finding things tough
I do go out as often as I can, get really tense when home on own. I know I should do housework or read or something distracting but cant seem to do that
I am not crying when alone either..as I said, I wonder if crying would be a release of some tension
:hug:
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:hearts: gingey ... Yes maybe crying is a bit of a release, I'm not sure. I get myself In such a state i don't really know anything... I'm not really managing the anxiety, (well at some points earlier on I had managed to find walking calming but not anymore) I actually went and bought wine just now to calm myself down, I know is not a good road to go down though, I drank a bit when he first passed away but then stopped. I know if i start drinking regularly to block things out , everything falls apart but i just feel so sad I can't think what else to do xx
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Well sadly using wine is something I have been doing too much of, and like you all I struggle to cry and as a result my lifelong anxiety returns, i have found that sometimes I put on the music from mum's funeral, go through her memorybox,or just go over and over in my head that night and I find myself curled up in a ball sobbing, however it does seem to be a bit of a release at the time.i have been having counselling to learn relaxation techniques via breathing etc, but that's hard to do alone when you are in such a state. I feel constantly that if she or Dad reached down their hand for me I would join them in a heartbeat, I move myself from one goal to another, funeral, put in complaint at hospital, organise stone, order a ring with her ashes, now am thinking about naming a star after them, my husband says I am just doing to hang on to her, my siblings were not close to her and don't want to know, like you all are saying it's just so hard
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When you say that if your mum or dad reached their hands out to you you'd join them in a heartbeat I am with you in this 100% ... this is the type of thing i think about constantly , ive asked them in my thoughts and written them letters saying if they have any influence I want to join them now... i think its so lovely youve had the ring made and are naming the star and it is completely natural you want to hang on to your mum who you love so much, I know I do. Im so pleased your counselling is trying to help with something practical to do like relaxation techniques I really hope it helps , i seem to be a bit useless with following advice like this , maybe one day something will sink in xxx
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Well the counselling is easy to do etc when you there, but being home it's a completely different matter, like you I am writing to them, at night I beg them to help me, which when I wake is even worse as nothing is different! I even thought about a spiritualist, the ring is a huge comfort to me as feel part of her always with me, and naming the star important to me too, it's just none of it seems to help does it?
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Oh my goodneess , i have exactly the same feeling as you, in the morning, nothing is any different, it hasn't worked, I'm still here....i think this is partly why I'm feeling even worse the past couple of days, because my pleas have not been answered and i can't " feel " their presence. Also I read an article a couple of days ago about the possibilities of an after life , so many people dismiss the idea totally , i felt distort at the thought I will never see them again and i can't shake the feeling off ....im so happy the ring is a comfort I know what you mean, none of it seems to help, I suppose we just have to try, if we're on the planet , we have to try somehow xxxx
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Same as you, I always did believe in an after life, and those first weeks I did feel firstly Dads presence and this time Mums, I would look for signs convincing myself she was watching me, and have felt that slipping away, and I can't bear to think they are not aware of how much I miss them, losing mum has totally shocked me and taken away my reason to keep going, but also like you say, we are here we have to keep going am trying to take baby steps, named a star for them tonight, and keep praying that it will get easier, but every second, even when I am doing things the loss is constantly on my mind, I feel so pathetic that others cope etc but I just have to keep going as do you x
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Please do not feel pathetic even for one second, this thing we're going through is the hardest. I've fallen apart and i know there will be millions of other people who have too...thats so lovely you named the star tonight, lovely to be able to look up and know that's their star up there. I'm sure your mum and dad will be loving it too....yes some how, god only knows how, but if we're on the planet we have to try to get by in some kind of way. Thanks for messaging me, you've helped me today xxxx
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You helped me enormously too, I didn't feel quite so alone or weird about my thoughts x
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:hearts: yes you and gingey messaging over the weekend was a god send ... I may be starting a bereavement support group in the beginning of next year , hopefully that will help in the similar way as being on here ( not feeling quite so alone with what we're going through ) xxxx
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Evening
I wish I had a bereavement support group near me, west of scotland.
Hope if you go ahead it is a comfort for others in this journey we find ourselves having to face
:hug:
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Thanks so much gingey, :hearts: I'm going to give it a go. I'm usually the last person in the world for groups but if I'm on the planet I must at least try....are there definitely none in your area , the one in going to is through the local hospice. May be your Dr could recommend one , "cruse" also run group sessions xxxxx
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I think everything you are all experiencing is very normal but it is really hard to see that when you are going through it and those around you who are not can't possibly understand.In the world of psychological theory and therapy there is usually a focus on "cure " You go through these stages then back to normal this is what others see,coupled with the Victorian year of mourning which suggests grief has a sell by date.There is one theory though which helped me a lot.It is the theory of continuing bonds,which says that the focus should be on how the bond between us change.It doesn't suggest you're cured or you have to cut the bond to be cured,but gives you permission to find ways to continue to hold on too someone even when they're not physically here any more.For some this might be through the teachings of a religion,or culture,Many African tribes for example revere their ancestors.When we don't have those absolute beliefs then we create them,so naming a star is one way to do this.When I lost my husband I planted native daffodils in all our favourite places,setting that goal meant I had to go out and I had to go back,which also meant slaying some of the anxiety dragons around travelling and going back too places we both loved but alone.Xmas I dropped the old traditions and started new (mainly pagan) traditions,.
I am still more anxious and socially inept six years on,but no longer have panic attacks in the local bakery,but I have learned that being probably what most people would consider over organised helps control that.Knowing how to get somewhere and having backup plans if it goes wrong,finding escape strategy's from social occasions,always sussing somewhere to get out,breathe and calm down.Also having a reason d,etre.I carry a camera everywhere so in my head I am in the city to take a series of photos of its architectural features,not billy no mates,.It means I feel less self conscious or awkward.We are all different and it takes time to develop your strategy's for yourself,but also there are dragons that don't need to be slayed too.For example eating out alone was discussed here,not something I thought I could ever do,and I never have,because I realised it wasn't even something I wanted to do.Takeaway coffees and a snack are absolutely fine,so why put myself through the stress of eating in a cafe or restaurant.
For all the theory's though and all the unrealistic expectations of others and painted smiles we adopt, the one banal comment people make that through the worst pain we can't believe is that you will feel better over time.Yet this is true,not that you will wake up one day and suddenly feel better or that you won't sometimes take one step forward only to fall down again,We will always miss them and always feel sadness at their loss but in our own time this acute pain becomes more an ache.
If you read through the do you believe in an afterlife thread here,you will see others experiences.Sometimes I think we look too hard and in the wrong places especially in the early days and perhaps it makes it more difficult to see them.Be careful with mediums though,a spiritualist church is often a good place to find one who is genuine rather than a self published online one.
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Thank you so much for your reply, today I got the certificate for naming the star and co ordinates of where it is, and did help a little, I am just so exhausted with trying to function I just want her back and know that won't happen, I have shelved the medium idea for now,but there are several spiritualist churches around here which I may try in new year, am just trying to limp my way to get into 2018, whate we it takes, I will have a look at the afterlife thread.
Please don't think I have hijacked your thread scared1 x
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Oh my goodness, of course not twinkle , i would never think you'd hijacked this thread! You helped me loads by replying and i so want you and anyone going through this to get any comfort / advice/ connection they can . So pleased you got the certificate and co-ordinates through for your lovely star .... Thank you also for your reply karena, yes I'm defiantly at that stage where I'm thinking about the "after life " and probably too much. Well, definitely too much. It all blows my mind , I wish we could know what happens for definite.
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:hug: I think we are programmed in the age of science and technology to want definitive answers and yet I feel life would be much less meaningful if there were no mysterys,and more recently quantum physics has shown that some of the things we have grown up with as being indisputable fact are disputable.So I think its important not too close our minds too any possabiliys.
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Thank you too, am scared it really is never going to get any better, but so so grateful for this group and this last weekend and this week I don't know where to go from here everything seems so pointless...
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Six months before my husband died,I had both daughters and a stepdaughter living nearby and 3 grandsons a job and a husband so lots of roles.The girls moved away and my husband had a stroke so I still had roles,carer wife employee.When he died I only had employee.I struggled to see a point too my life.My parents died years before,my job not exactly life changing,what was the point of me.Our lives are so often defined by what our role is in relation too others whether its partner/carer/parent/son or daughter and occupation.When that is taken away it is really hard to see where we fit or have a purpose.
But we also overlook the things perhaps we don't recognise.Already you are supporting each other here,so already you have proven you do have a point and a role
.If you walk down the road and smile and say hello to someone you don't know,perhaps they may think you are eccentric or perhaps you might brighten their day and change their life,maybe they were also feeling down and alone and just that simple contact helped them.You will never know. On a more microscopic level your everyday interactions can be affecting others.The first moment of joy,when I looked up felt the sun on my back and smiled was created by a robin singing so loudly and persistently that it couldn't be ignored,so maybe the robin I fed this morning will do that and bring that moment of light too someone else but survived the winter to do that because I fed it.We do all have a point and a purpose but don't always recognise it because it is often created by unconscious actions.
Creating a new conscious role is more difficult.Imagine you are sitting under a tree surrounded by paths.Each path goes in a different direction but at first you can't even see any paths so you rest under the tree.When you do see a path you might take a few steps then find its not right and return too the tree.Maybe then you take several more paths before you find one that feels right and then there are side paths so you find yourself back further along the first but passed the obstacle that set you back.So my dull job is graphic design,churning out adverts for software I have no passion for.My passion lies in permaculture and kids in developing country's.I tried volunteering at a Perm a culture project but what was needed was hard physical work which I couldn't manage.I did courses on food and water supplies in sub Saharan Africa but understanding the problems doesn't solve them and I am not Bob gedoff or Bono.Then a friend asked me to do some artwork and her husband commented I was good at my job.I hadn't really thought so but perhaps blinded by churning out the same stuff year in and out i had forgotten that i fell into the job by being good at it. Then work asked me to do a course and a suggestion from a tutor there slid everything into place.Now I support a school gardens project in Africa through doing their artwork for free. Its not something I ever saw while I was sitting under that tree but taking steps and going back then approaching from different directions sometimes purposefully other times through those accidental side tracks I did find a purpose.It takes time and some wrong steps but eventually you will find something for you,In the meantime take your time rest under the tree .When a path appears take it but don't be afraid to go back too the tree rest some more and then try again if it is the wrong one. :hug:
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Thank you it makes perfect sense what you are saying, I just don't feel ready to even attempt the path at the minute
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I read Karena's post and agree it sounds like a plan but I think that it takes time to get to this stage. Also time of year can weigh heavy with most people looking forward to Christmas celebrations and it is difficult to join in when we are missing our loved ones so much and remembering Christmases gone...there is always a feeling that someone is missing.
We all hopefully will one day see those paths.
:hug:
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There is no rushing grief. Sometimes we need to stand still a while, it hurts so much and we never believe it could possibly change. hold on in there, be gentle and kind to yourself and slowly over time you will see those paths emerging xx
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Thank you, I hope so, as I just can't seem to cope anymore