When my husband had his second major stroke i was in south africa at my daughters wedding he had urged me to go - my sugestion that i didnt made him more agitated so i did, on the understanding he stayed at his daughters.She couldnt have the dog as well so a friend had him.
After a mad dash to get back a day early when i had a strong instinct something was wrong i got as far as Amsterdam and the though popped into my head i could just stay here for that extra night -no one will know i am not due back until tomorow - that became guilt number 1 later - a thought - and thats all it was i didnt act on it, i was exhausted caring for him before i went then working through the night had already worn me down before i went out there.
When i got too his daughters it was clear my instinct was right something was very wrong -but i will never forget the smile and the way his eyes lit up when i walked in. He said he just wanted to go home get the dog, see if the daffodils were out yet and snuggle in front of the fire on the sofa - but i called an ambulance - then promised we will just get you checked out then we can go home . He never went home never saw his dog again never saw the daffodills come out - they came out in time for his funeral.
That still makes me feel overwhelmingly sad even now - but it was guilt nmber 2 and it was by far the worst I expressed it on here and a very wise lady pointed out that if i hadnt called the ambulance and had just taken him home i would never have known for sure whether there was a chance he could have survived and so doing the opposite of what i did would mean i would always feel guilty about that just as much, and maybe more - and she was right i would - and thats what i want to pass on to you, because in the same way you would be asking the same thing - If you hadnt encouraged him to go for the treatment you would be feeling guilty for not doing so because you would be wondering whether that could have saved him.
Guilt is a particularly horrible part of this journey but none of us acted except in the way we though best at the time, none of us acted with anything other than love in our intentions and hearts, and that is the best we can ever give or be, without the ability to see into the future which none of us have.