Author Topic: Complicated Grief Disorder  (Read 2680 times)

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Offline Penguini

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Complicated Grief Disorder
« on: March 01, 2019, 11:00:25 PM »
Hello friends!

I'm new to this forum and wanted some input over something that I've been thinking about for some time now. I believe my boyfriend's mother is suffering from Complicated Grief Disorder. I have been with my boyfriend for four years now and in that time, his mother has been unable to move on from the separation of her and her husband.

To give you some background, I believe this is strongly linked to the bereavement she faced when she was just thirteen. When she was thirteen, her father died of a sudden illness and she was completely unprepared for his departure. To her own admission, her upbringing was very 'Victorian' and no grieving took place publicly within the home or outside it. No one cried and her father was not mentioned again - just a child, she followed the convention of how everyone else was mourning and remained silent. It was only years later when she was at university and somebody innocently enquired about her family, that she was realised she was unable to even form words about her father.

Very soon after her father died, she met my boyfriend's father and had made designs on him that he would be a suitable boyfriend. A few years later, they were married and had three children. However, nearly thirty years into their marriage, she discovered that her husband was gay and was having multiple affairs behind her back.

They separated in 2012 and finally divorced in 2017, but even now she is completely unable to move on. Every time we visit, it is a re-run of the pain and suffering she feels, the gloom and doom of life without her husband and bitterness towards anyone who is in a happy and stable relationship.

Something I have found particularly difficult is that I have recently lost my grandad and to her own admission, she finds it incredibly hard to sympathise with people who have elderly parents/grandparents because she never had that.

I'm aware that most of you will encourage me to suggest therapy, but I cannot say strongly enough that with her 'Victorian' upbringing, that speaking to a stranger is possibly the most unnatural thing she could possibly do. I really think she needs to see a therapist, so tips on her to broach this would be appreciated. I would also be interested to know if anyone else has experienced this or just has some input.

B x

Offline Sandra61

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Re: Complicated Grief Disorder
« Reply #1 on: March 02, 2019, 12:52:20 PM »
Hi B,

It sounds as if your boyfriend's mum had an extremely emotionally repressed up-bringing and that life has taught her to expect the worst, so that she doesn't understand the good feelings others around her may feel. As you predict, it does sound to me as if she might benefit from therapy, but that this would be a long and difficult process for her, even if she were to agree to try it  in the first place.

I wonder, is her son sufficiently close to her to be able to broach the subject in some way with her? If he were to express concern about her, would she listen to him and perhaps consider the suggestion if it came from him? Would her other children be willing to involved in this also?

You could perhaps obtain some leaflets in regard to counselling from your GP and offer these to her also. I realise she may well just discard them, but it might get her thinking just to see them. It would show that you you are both concerned about her and that might help too. Whoever did broach the subject with her would need to do it very carefully, I think. It sounds, as you say, like the last thing she would want to engage in. However I suspect your own assessment of the situation may be right and that this is a deep-rooted issue she has. It cannot have been healthy to have lost her father in the way that she did and for it simply to have been as if he had not existed in her home after that. Everyone needs to express how they feel about their grief somehow and everyone needs to talk, in my experience. The emotions and thoughts need to come out somehow. Writing them down can help. Is this something you could suggest to her? Some people write a letter to a lost loved one, even though it can't be sent. It still helps to tell them in a letter all the things you would have like to be able to say. I wonder if this is something that could be suggested to her? At least in this way, she would not need to engage with another person and could do this alone. It also might be a useful first step towards perhaps getting counselling.

Does she have a close friend who might be able to go with her if she were to go and see someone? Or perhaps your boyfriend could offer to take her (if you can get her to the point of considering going to a therapist) and wait for her and take her home again.

Does she get out at all? It can help to get out of the house and do something different, like take up a new interest. She might even join a class and maybe make some new friends there. That could take her mind off things and help her take the focus of off all the pain you say she talks about, if only for a while. It could be a start to moving on. It can change your perspective to meet others who have a different outlook on life.

Whatever you decide to do. I think you can only offer options and suggestions. If she does decide to get help the decision will have to be made by her ultimately, as she will not engage in the process unless she is willing to do so and only she can decide that. It may be that she is so stuck in her ways that she has become too blinkered to accept alternative views and suggestions, but it could be that she rehashes all the pain she feels whenever you see her because she is subconsciously wanting and asking for help. Not knowing her, I can not say, but I think all you can do for the moment is to keep gently challenging her ways and her views and offering ideas and ways to move forward to her and express your concern for her and make it clear, if you do suggest therapy, that you are only doing so, out of that concern for her. Also, it might be better and have more impact if that came from her son and her other children if they were willing.
Perhaps this is something your boyfriend could discuss with them. If this lady thought her children were all concerned about her, any expression of this from them all might have a greater impact.

I am sorry not to be able to be of any more help, but cannot think of anything else to suggest. I think it is very good of you to be so concerned about her as to look for help with this situation from others. I hope you find a way to help her between you all. It does sound to me as if she needs it. Other than suggesting the things that occur to me, I think it would help her to know at least that those around her are concerned for her. By showing and expressing that, she may gradually accept that this may be something she may need to consider finding a way to change. People can change. She doesn't have to stay like this, but I think this is something she will have to reach a realisation of herself over time. All the rest of you can do is try to help facilitate this gently and with kindness and love until she is ready to do that.

As for the pain you are yourself experiencing following the loss of your grand-dad, it is clear she will not understand your feelings in regard to this, or may do deep down. but will be unable to express any sympathy. I hope you are getting support with this elsewhere in you life from other sources and if you need any further help with that, this website can be a huge help. We all understand how you are feeling here and will always be around to offer some support and some sympathy.

I wonder if this lady were to take a look at this website if that might help her understand that there are alternative ways to deal with negative feelings and with grief? Just a thought...

Anyway, I wish you luck and success. It is good of you to care enough to seek help on her behalf. Sending you hug in your own loss, B.  :hug:  :hearts:

Offline Penguini

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Re: Complicated Grief Disorder
« Reply #2 on: March 03, 2019, 07:44:31 PM »
Hi Sandra61,

Thanks for taking the time for writing such a detailed response. My other half and I have been discussing and he also feels that he needs to have a very honest conversation with her. I think part of the problem is he has almost become desensitised to it as he has the same conversation with her over and over again. The issue is, he isn't the only one who has become desensitised to it and she has often ranted over friends who have lost their patience and just told her to 'get over it' - something she absolutely hates to hear. She has even removed herself from people who haven't allowed her to indulge in her misery and grief. Because of this, I think my other half realises that he is probably the one who is going to have to broach the topic.

I think the writing down her thoughts and feelings is a lovely idea and I know for me that has definitely been a source of help, so I will pass this on to him as well. In terms of getting out and the like, she does, but it isn't anything different from what she did when she was still married. She still meets the same friends (who she calls the smug couples), does the same groups and still lives in the same house (she knows she should move, but makes excuses over every house she visits). We have suggested joining new groups, have found the initial meeting times etc, but she has never gone through with it. Unfortunately we live 300 miles away from her, so it's not like we are in the position to go and hold her hand to the first visit.

Thank you for all of your suggestions and for being so kind. We will start to gently question her beliefs, particularly as she has this very rose-tinted view of her marriage. I think regardless of the depth of your love, no relationship is perfect and everyone has arguments and disagreements at some point. However, she speaks of their time as the world's greatest love story and that there was nothing wrong in their relationship. To add to this, she still has frequent contact with my boyfriend's father and after each phone call, she cries. However, it is almost like an addiction as my boyfriend was quite firm with her over the holidays and told her to quit contact and she refused. There is no reason for them to be in contact, they are divorced, have adult children and no money concerns and yet, she can't break the habit.

I'm getting their with my own bereavement. I have a very good support system and we are all pulling through it together despite the shock.

Penny for your thoughts.

B x

Offline Sandra61

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Re: Complicated Grief Disorder
« Reply #3 on: March 04, 2019, 01:32:34 AM »
Hello B,

I am surprised to hear that this lady is still in such close contact with her ex-husband, Perhaps she is emotionally dependant on him? It certainly sounds like she is in denial to some degree about the relationship being over. I suspect all you can do is keep working on her gently until she works out for herself that she can not go on like this.

I hope you manage to help her eventually and wish you both luck!

Best wishes,

Sandra

Offline Karena

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Re: Complicated Grief Disorder
« Reply #4 on: March 04, 2019, 04:31:04 PM »
my dad was gay, married my mum as a lot did,  until more recent enlightened years, (and theyre a lot more recent than we imagine)  men married and had children to try and prove to themselves, as well as others that they were not gay, and that is rarely going to end well.

With her victorian values and the shock of her husband coming out perhaps it isnt so odd she is taking so long in getting over the break up. - even today, if you lose your husband too another woman, you can blame her, hate him and move on, - but if your belief around homosexuality is very old fashioned it might almost equate to finding out your husband is an axe murderer, on top of that there is also this ridiculous thing people joke about - "she turned me gay" - which then reflects on the female in the relationship - but it isnt a joke when it spills over into the way society responds -my mum was asked to leave the church when they fund out about my dad - in no way was it her fault yet she was cast out of the local church - so she started to feel in some way it was her fault and other people would be thinking the same -  thats how bad it can get, i wasnt told  and couldnt understand a lot of the bullying that went on as kids over heard their parent gossiping - ( i  like to think it was overheard and not being sanctioned but i have wondered to be honest)

You would hope it is  different now, and that kind of stigma for both the person who has come out and the familly gone, generally there is no longer so much need to put up that persona - but perhaps for her its not so much about how other people would respond too her but how she believes they will that is the issue. ALterntively perhaps she has a sense of being "dignified" about it by keeping contact, even though that dignity costs her so much when the call is ended.

 So while it could be partially the thing around her father dying and not being spoken about and of course it isnt healthy to bottle it up like that,i think the main issue probably is still   the split which could have been the trigger for a return to that time - both are the same - things not to be spoken of.

Contacting him and crying does suggest she has some hope of him returning - on the other hand there is much more too a marriage than sex and they were friends so perhaps there is still a kind of co-dependancy on that friendship - he doesnt see her cry so maybe assumes she is ok with that  -and  she doesnt let him know otherwise because there is another incentive to remain freinds which is their children. In the victorian world there is an expectation that they will marry and will give them grandchildren and them being at loggerheads is going to make it more difficult  what happens if the parents kick off at the wedding/christening what do you do about new partners etc - so despite the pain perhaps she is trying to maintain the contact with an eye to not causing that in the future -

I dont know because i dont know her and i am throwing theorys around, based on being the daughter of a homosexual father,  and a mother with grown up children - my first husband left for a younger model and i put on a face for their sake, but underneath it broke me up  -- actually now we are genuinly friends again and i get on with his latest wife very well.

Moving forward alone is very difficult and that is something that happens in the same way when a partner dies -  we all are surrounded by "smug couples" and the fact she said that means she is feeling it. Since my (later) husband  died i have told myself i should downsize, change jobs, get out more etc -  and also havnt done it - its like you get stuck in some kind of limbo land - if you can imagine you are standing in a building and the grouns crumbles from under you you grab onto something and balance on whats left of the floor - but then you are afraid to move in case what you do have left then collapses too so you just stay there.

 i tried and failed to join local groups - actually went a couple of times - but standing on your own surounded by established mini groups  is very off putting. One thing i have done though is online courses - you dont have to go out - but you meet other people with the same interests -and it can give you incentive to put something together for the future -  but what it has done is massively improved my confidence,  if she went to a class of some kind in real world terms -there is a common goal of learning something - you dont need to learn small talk it isnt all smug couples you get people from different age groups and walks of life the course subject is what you have in common and its easier i think for freindships to evolve from something that has a definite focus point in the beginning.

Also writing again i agree  helps a lot - futurlearn do poetry and writing courses free online that dont require too much commitment  just gives you some kind of guidline structure - maybe something like that would give her incentive to write and then her emotions can be expressed that way.It worked for me doing short storys and poetry - not sure when it is in the UK but isnt mothers day coming up - maybe a beautiful journal to write in might be a present that would inspire her too.