Author Topic: Estranged Dad died Sep 18, Lost and confused after all this time  (Read 1516 times)

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Offline Lookingforhope86

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Hi everybody.

I am writing this message as I have struggled alone for too long now. I am fed up of burdening my boyfriend with someone who just mopes around the house and doesn't do anything.

OK so to start from the beginning. (this is LONG)

My Dad wasn't a good father. He was in and out of my life a lot. He was quite abusive and put me through A LOT of crap. We reconnected in 2016 or 17 (my idea, out of a feeling of duty and wanting to forgive him for my own sake) and then a few months later he fell very ill with kidney disease and I was roped into being the "next of kin" responsible for him and the one the nurses and doctors thought of as his closest relative. I couldn't walk away from him in his time of need so I took on that role.

I lost my freedom to travel and live the way I wanted and my whole life revolved around him. He was so manipulative and acted like a spoilt angry toddler most of the time. It was so so hard to keep my cool and such a traumatic time and I found it so hard. He was in and out of hospital so much, he was at deaths door several times, in and out of care homes and had several bad falls and times when he was alone at home. It was so awful. Just being around him was so hard for me as it triggered my PTSD and I did not feel safe around him but I felt I had to be there.

I totally pushed down my own feelings. I lost my identity completely in this time and resented having to be there for him when he had hardly been there for me. My relationship ended because I was so stressed and traumatised and my boyfriend couldn't handle it. I didn't work much (I am self employed) because it seemed like every time things settled down another crisis or emergency would happen. He finally died in September 18. It was a relatively peaceful death thank god. I handled the initial phase quite well- I was so busy clearing his house and dealing with paperwork etc and selling his belongings. Again it was like I just had to push through.

I felt like I had lost my identity and forgotten who I was and what I lived for. I felt empty inside, totally devoid of a self. I got some counselling which helped and I had many intense and profound realisations about life and death and what it all meant. My mental health was still bad though. I felt a feeling of total isolation, all I can describe it as is total blackness in my soul. Every thought and feeling I had for a while was so negative. I decided I wanted to get away so I went to the Canary islands to volunteer for 3 months. I thought, oh yeah sunshine and relaxation is just what I need and will "cure" me! Well I went out there and at first I was ok but I soon fell into a deep depression.

When I came home and people asked me how it was I replied "weird" because it really was not the escape and cure I thought it would be. How ungrateful do I sound, hehe, but it really was not good despite the sunshine.

I got back in March and now I am living in a short term cheap rental for the summer with my new boyfriend who I met out there. I have done nothing since I got back pretty much. I have tried really hard to find the motivation to get my life back on track but I cannot do it. I feel like now, 7 months on, I should be "better" or coping well but I feel like only now I am feeling worse and very depressed. I am unable to do simple things, even to get dressed sometimes. I haven't worked much since a year or so before my Dad died. Because my job involves needing me to be motivated and be my own boss, I have just let it slide. I feel like I have forgotten how to work. I have so many negative thoughts that I am too afraid to get a new job because of what people might think of me. I am totally trapped in my anxiety.

I have been living off the money of selling my dad's stuff to get by. This also makes me feel guilty and selfish/money grabbing. I am watching my finances plummet. I thought for a long time that it wasn't to do with what I had been through but I am realising that is totally is. I had such a bad time. I have not written a diary or anything and all the memories have faded and run into one another.

I am terrified of the next loss because I feel like if I can't handle life now how am I gong to handle losing the next person? I worry all the time about my family and friends, some of whom are ill and going through treatment. I am so sad about losing them that I have given up on life. I went to the doctor but I don't want to go on medication. I want to get better but I dont know how.

The worst thing is that I'm living with my boyfriend and feel like I am bringing him down. The guilt is eating me up so much. I have forgotten how to love myself or forgive myself. I feel so empty and hopeless. I can't go on like this. I hate myself for being so miserable all the time.

I don't know if writing this has made me feel better or worse.

Offline green dragon

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Re: Estranged Dad died Sep 18, Lost and confused after all this time
« Reply #1 on: May 07, 2019, 09:27:56 PM »
I'd like to extend a big hug to you (but I think the emojis are a bit cheesy, so imagine what you'd like here).

You have really gone through a lot. Having just reconnected with a not very good father (but, by the sounds of it, not as bad as yours), I feel for you. It's already difficult to want to reconnect with someone who has caused you emotional damage, let alone have to become their carer at the same time. That is some very serious karma you burned there, if you believe in that kind of thing. I do, so you have my respect.

What I would suggest is to try and get some more counselling and not just bereavement related. I am with you regarding meds. I am going through quite a bit of anxiety due to my own bereavement story but I am resisting meds. Whatever you do, it sounds like you need professional help. Don't deny yourself help. You have done a lot of helping, now it's time you recieve some, too. And try to go easier on yourself (re: thinking you're money grabbing because in your time of need you live off the money coming from your father; after all, you could have just not been there for him when he needed most, right?). Take heart, things can improve - with help.

Offline Karena

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Re: Estranged Dad died Sep 18, Lost and confused after all this time
« Reply #2 on: May 08, 2019, 12:00:57 PM »
I agree about the meds they do work for some,but not others and while they can help us get through each day they cant directly help us deal with the cause when its grief.
I know talking therapy sounds americanised people mock it and we think even if we can access it, we cant face it - we cant relive things we would rather forget - and however will we avoid breaking down and crying in front of a stranger - all sorts of reasons it seems difficult to do - but after losing my husband and finding meds caused some kind of psychosis my GP put my name down for bereavement counselling and like you i was feeling so desparate and unable to cope with every day life so i went and it did help - it didnt cure grief,it isnt designed to do that, but the thing they can do is help you see how your own brain is disorting things - not the loss but the feelings you have around it - guilt, anger, anxiety feelings of abandonment by those left around you some coping strategys but also help you see that some of those things are absolutley understandable and it is ok to feel the way you do it doesnt mean there is something wrong with you as a person.  - so for example your anxiety about others in your familly - of course you are anxious if some-one is ill so thats 100% normal in any circumstances -but the extra anxiety about those who are not is also normal when you are grieving, - i think all of us here will have experienced that -  because we have just learned first hand in the worst way possible about the frailty of all out lives - but if we become obsessed by that then we also forget to focus on the more important lesson of appreciating them and enjoying the time we do have with them and thats really what we need to change, and it takes time but we do and that particular anxiety becomes more normalalised.

 If you were diagnosed with PTSD in the past - i dont know how long ago that was but there are also some effective ways to help you cope with things like anxiety attacks - if you know them and they worked before then start using them again, if not  and you cant get counselling then look on line under coping with panic attacks or similar.


I was estranged from my dad from a very young age - not because of the reasons you were and not his fault  but because he was gay and could no longer pretend otherwise and when it was decriminalised no longer had too, but it still horrified society - and so when he "came out"  he was driven out and not allowed contact with me  - i was bullied i didnt understand why they said or did the things they did, and being the only kid in the school who had a single parent - i hadnt helped my case by making up occupations to explain his absence in those cringeworthy "what does daddy do for a living" sessions. My mum was thrown out of the church because of the association with him - even though she hadnt known, but a divorced woman was unacceptable as well  - that was the times we lived in.
I didnt find out until the late 70,s when a drunk neighbour blurted it out among a host of swear words after i said i wanted to look for my dad, and everything fell into place about the bullying etc - and as the Aids crisis emerged and people blamed homosexuality for that too, i still couldnt talk about him without meeting disgust and rejection in return along term boyfriend even  dumped me because of it  and so in the end i didnt, i actually if asked killed him off  - i had checked phone directorys but not knowing where he lived there wasnt much chance of ever contacting him anyway - then a few years later, out of the blue i got a letter from an aunt i didnt know existed who had tracked me down via that same neighbour -  saying he wanted to meet me - we met twice, we wrote a lot and within a year he died.we both commented at the time we met about the significance of the lional ritchie song is it me youre looking for - (even though it was about a different situation) and because he had played it so much, his partner chose it for the funeral - for years after i would have what i recognise now as panic attacks whenever that song was played.

The reason i,m telling you this is that a massive part of my grief was that we hadnt had the opportunity to make up for the lost years or create new memorys - for me apart from a couple of meetings and a death bed scene, there was a blank space in which i had missed so much more - and because indirectly he had caused me to be bullied and again i stress i knew it wasnt his fault, but grief does things too our thinking.
But he had a new grandchild and another on the way, he had reached out to me, we had got on well,we really believed we had the chance to make up those lost years and it was snatched away by his death - so even though your early relationship was very different and your blank space is filled with his direct bullying I think this is making your grief harder because you are grieving not just for the dad you lost but the dad you should have had - if that makes any sense.
Add to that you became his carer and put your own life on hold then it is no wonder you have not recovered from that -

I have had other losses since then but one thing that happens is i feel i need to go away, to make a big gesture perhaps do something that will distract me, it makes no sense when you have been over a cliff to jump off another one, but thats what we do -  i think maybe we do it to try and get back some sort of control of our lives as well, we jumped therfore it was our decision  - but it doesnt work and when it doesnt we become more disillusioned and disapointed too.

Coming here helped me i didnt come her about grief for my dad that had been many years before and i had stiffled it.No one around me now even knows about my dad people dont ask when you get to a certain age but if they did i wouldnt hesitate to tell the truth its very different now, but this was the first place i ever wrote it down trying to help some-one in your position, and in doing so i could then better understand my own reactions too it.

When i came here the loss of my husband had left me no longer able to cope with anything -and  i am much better able to express things when i write them down, and this is a safe place to do that, people here dont criticise us for our feelings, and dont tell us to move on get over it etc etc, so if you want to start that diary go to the diary page - and start one but start it with how you are feeling now day to day. I did one initially in the form of letters to my husband - Not only write it but read it back, because on the really bad days when you think you are no further forward you can go back and see that you are and remember that last week you had a much better day and when you do that and the black clouds are hanging over you its a reminder that sometimes they have shifted so they can do so again.We can read it and we will answer  if we think we can say something that might help so it isnt private but maybe it will help you make sense of things - thats what we are here for, but we are not professional councellors just people also bruised from loss so please consider getting some professional help as well.

I dont know how much your boyfriend knows of your story but if he cares enough to come here after you, then i think he cares enough for you to be able to tell him all of it and how you are feeling.Maybe you are afraid he will leave but pushing him out and trying to pretend you are ok when you arent might be worse for both of you,  and perhaps for some-one looking in, it might seem incomprehensible that you are grieving for a man who was abusive towards you so maybe explain that you are grieving for the dad you should have had as well and that might help him understand better.