BEREAVEMENTUK SUPPORT FORUM
Bereavement Support Posts => Please Post In This Bereavement Support Posting Room => Topic started by: colin on August 03, 2016, 04:24:34 PM
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Still having a trouble coping without my Pat,every day is a nightmare cannot explain all the feelings of loss,heartbreak,anger at the loss of my darling nothing seems to matter anymore,don't want to do much only the basics,cleaning,gardens etc can't see the future without my Pat,so,so lost and heartbroken missing my darling with all my heart.Night time is the worst,dreading the dark nights and winter coming,where will it end the pain is unbearable I don't know if it can get better at this moment in time.Sorry to bang on I know most of us on here are in the same position and are suffering at our loss of our loved one.Once again sorry for going on.Best Wishes to you all.
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You must never feel the need to apologise Colin. that's why we are here. I wish someone had the answer to our sorrow but they don't. I'm dreading the darker nights too- only just managed to survive the ones we've just gone through. The days go so slowly but the months seem to fly by. I just keep clinging onto the hope that things will get easier as so many of the people on here say they do. :hearts:
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Hi Julie,
People will keep saying things will get better,Ihave had a discussion with my G.P.He says things will never get better but we will learn over time to cope with the loss,but we will always hurt and not really get over the loss after 52yrs of married life,I have also been for bereavement counselling with the MacMillan staff, to be honest I found this of little help,I got the immpression that they where waiting for the tears to flow and offered very little support,stopped after 2 sessions,my son and daughter in law have been more of a support,but even they don't really know how I hurt inside and the lonliness I am going through when the key turns in the lock at night,Iam on my own with all my thoughts and memories of our life together,so so happy and in love after all the years together.
Thanks for your support. :hearts:
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Dark nights are very difficult I have SAD as well so especially so.It makes you inclined to just give in and throw in the towel.But with the SAD Keith made special effort,fire lit hot meal just extra looking after.
After he died the first winter was dreadful but I didn't help myself . didnt put the heat on or light the fire,didnt bother cooking just dragged myself home from work and went to bed.It has got better since because even though the cosy nights on the sofa with him can't happen I remember the effort he went to to look after me and it seemed like a betrayal to not do it myself..
So the next winter in advance I got a stove,not possible in every house I know but any radiant heater with a focal point helps,I made and froze pots of soup and stews ,stockpiled summer fruit and froze that too,so no effort to cook but nourishing comfort food to hand,and got a routine to make the time pass quicker.Even a boring routine can do that.I also make sure I get outside at lunchtimes if at all possible to make sure I got some daylight.It hasn't cured the SAD neither did he, but it has made it more bearable and that's something I have learned to do myself because I had too.
But at the same time as preparing ahead there is Autumn to come first,and it is the most beautiful time.So if you possibly can try and think about arranging a treat for Autumn,even if its just a walk in a forest,focus on that now and distract from thinking about winter now.
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Hi Colin. It's hardly any time at all since you lost Pat. Like you I see little point in anything and struggle to see any future. I spend my time trying to keep myself occupied just to keep my mind off my loss but have little interest in whatever I am doing. They say time makes things easier but I guess it has to be a lot of time, probably measured in years rather than months.
Hopefully one day we will wake up and be able to think fondly about how lucky we were to have been blessed with our partners without the accompanying tears. Until then we plod on, one day at a time.
Take care.
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Hi everyone,
Thanks for all your support at this sad time, I like many others thought that we would go on for ever and grow old with our love ones.When you suffer the loss you find it difficult to accept and cope with life,I Blame myself for not doing enough to protect my darling and have failed in my duty as a devoted Husband,people say that to think this way is not true and I did everything to try and make Pat better,how I loved my darling no-one will ever understand,only people like us on the forum will understand as we are all in similar positions Life will never be the same again,day to day exsistance is the norm and the pain goes on forever.
Best Wishes to everyone. :hearts:
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HI Colin
I think everyone on here will have gone through the guilt/blame thing its something we all experience in one way or another.None of us have hindsight and none of us can do more than our best to care for some-one which i am absolutely certain you will have done. :hug:
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Hi Karena,
Thanks for your reply and kind words,my Pat had horrible time whilst she was in the Q.M.C.no-one seemed to care if she had a drink or food,just left to her own devices,she could not feed herself or even drink,from a bubbly outgoing person she turned into a shadow of her former self,this on its own wrecked me and my son so much we insisted that she came home and we would care for her better,she came home and past away 7days later,the last thing she did was to stroke my beard,she could not tell me she loved me,her touch will stay with me forever and I will hold that feeling in my heart,Iam so so heartbroken.
best wishes.
Colin.
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:hug: the lack of care before you took her home is in no way your fault. It shouldnt happen and all too often it does .but you acted on it and took her home something I,m certain she would have been glad of
.My husband could not speak at the end either but you dont always need words to communicate love.
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Don't blame yourself Colin. We all seem to go through the guilt phase with all those 'what if?' And 'if only' unanswerable questions running riot in our heads. It's a normal part of our brains trying to make sense of what has happened.
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What a beautiful memory, that touch of your beard :hearts: sending a hug xx
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Having a really bad time, 17 weeks to-night, my darling lost the fight to life,At this moment I cannot see the point in me carrying on with my life,I miss my darling with all my being,can't live without her for ever,she was my true love and I will always cherish the life we had together,but at this moment in time Ijust can't see a way forwards,spend most of my days alone,sometimes not seeing a soul all day,waiting for night to come,dreading the next day starting bringing more hurt and pain and lonliness to my broken heart. :sad:
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Oh Colin :hug: I think we all know that terrible feeling. Just keep posting on here, I know it's not really what you want to be doing but I hope it helps. We've have somehow just got to take those baby steps each day and accept that there will really bad days and better days. I can go whole days without speaking to a soul so I know what that's like. Can't wait for bedtime but don't want to get up again. If it's any help at all it's all 'normal' whatever that might mean right now. Would you consider joining a bereavement group through Cruse or anything like that?
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It would be good if you can find a local group, or even try some local classes. Its the last thing we want to do, but being with people is important for our health. It will help you cope a bit. Initiating some kind of routine will help too, having structure in the day helps with our grief
If you can't face meeting new people, start with a walk, even if it is a small one to the corner of the road, get out of the house for a bit, or sit in the garden, being out (and in nature if possible) will help you too
Try to eat healthily too. I know the last thing you may want to do is eat well, but if you do these things it will help your body and mind cope just a little bit better
Sending a hug. Remember baby steps :hug: xx
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I spend quite a few weekend not speaking to another person even five years on,but I have got used to that and what Emz says about nature is right,the first time I even smiled and got through the fug in my brain it was a robin singing,seemingly so determined to not let me ignore it.For a brief moment I felt the sun on my back,it was brief but it was a moment I clung on too when the black clouds came back,and I started looking for the robin and at the same time started looking at the world again.Its a long process and you're at the beggining of a very unpleasant roller coaster ride,My hubby is still a very important part of my life and knowing what he would have said still shapes my decisions,its a bond that doesn't break but moves forward with you.
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Losing our partners is a massive thing for us to adjust to. They are such a huge part of our lives. I don't think we ever realise how much until they are gone.
My thoughts are with you Colin.
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Hi everyone,
Its 4months since I lost my Princess,this past few days have been awful,visited Derby with my Son and Family,walking round bought back many happy memories we shared together whilst out shopping in the Eagle Centre.When it came to leave to return home we passed the street entertainers {Inca's}they started to play The Power of Love,this was one of our special tunes we shared and played together along with Unchained Melody,whilst listenining with my Son I felt so lost and alone,once back home on my own I cried all evening,so heartbroken missing my baby so much,can't seem to get my head straight or accept that she is not here with me.Had several moments when life is not worth living anymore without her by my side. :sad: :angry:
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Oh I'm so with you there in all you experienced and are going through Colin, they do say that the grieving is so hard because our love was so strong if that's any help at all :heart:
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Hi Julie,
Thanks for your reply,airing ones feelings on the forum seems to help with easing the loss of a loved one,my Pat was and still is my everything and the thought of being re united with her one day keeps me going,limping through this feeling on a daily basis,we are all in the same position dealing with our own grief and heartbreak,this is punishment in it's self.When we meet our loved one again the sun will shine in our hearts once more and be forever.Thanks again for listening. :sad: :hearts:
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:hearts:
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Colin you echo many of my own thoughts, I too get those feelings of not wishing to carry on, as my reason for living is no longer here, stay strong my friend, and remember....A DAY AT AT TIME, you likely have family like I do, and I suppose it's the thought of them that has prevented me from doing anything silly, though I've certainly considered it a few times. As I posted to someone else, my 2 sons think the grieving finishes at the funeral, my eldest actually said just that...unbelievable!... little do they know, thankfully my daughter who was very close to her Mum is more understanding and knows how I feel because she is still grieving too.
A DAY AT A TIME COLIN...a day at a time... :hug: You take care my friend... Best wishes...Brian
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Yep- same thought flits through my head too but I couldn't do that to my children and grand children at this moment in time. Again I think it's perfectly 'normal' whatever that might mean! It's amazing how many people are relieved when the funeral day is over and we can start getting on with our lives now! My aunt said" Well just think in a few days time it will be all over and you can start to build a new life" !!!!!!!!
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That last line basically sums up my 2 sons Julie. The sad fact is they don't really understand at all. I've not spoken to my eldest son for 2mths. His only interest in life is money.....little does he know.
Keep plodding on people, hopefully with time the tears will get less frequent.
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Hi Brian and Julie,
Yesterday I went to Skeggy with my Son and family walked round in a trance really,this visit bought back happy memories although Pat and I never really liked the place much we just went for the run out laughing and joking all the way there,bigger laughs on our return journey home. Memories and tears started to flood,explained how I was feeling to my Son,he said just how much he missed his Mum as well,he sat in the front passenger seat where his Mum sat and just doing this, he thought about how Pat his Mum would have felt not being with us all trying to enjoy the day,I miss my sweetheart and lover so much,had a good cry when I was back home alone,it don't get any easier at this moment in time,just cannot get over losing the battle and my darling Pat.{till we meet again baby sweet dreams}
Colin.
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I find that, like you at Skeggy, happy memories start the tears flowing. Strangely crying makes me feel better. It's a strange mixed up world where happy thoughts make me sad and being sad makes me happy.
Small steps Colin. That's all we can do at the moment.
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Hi Everyone,
To-day we would have been celebrating our 52yrs of married life together,we had known each other for just over 55yrs,my Princess lost her fight to life nearlly 6 months ago,at this moment my life stopped and I am finding it very hard to continue without her, life is not worth living at the moment,struggle to go forwards with everyday activities. maybe this feeling is due to the day of what we should have been sharing together and celebrating our love for each other.So miss my darling more and more as the days slip bye,they seem to fly and it just don't seem real it's like being in another world of living hell.My Son is and always has been some-one who I can lean on and share my feelings with about his Mum and remember how much we love her.one day we will all be together again as a loving caring family. :sad:
Best wishes everyone
Colin.
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I'm hoping you can find some peace and comfort on your very special day Colin. I've experienced my first Anniversary day amongst other firsts this year. It is a very surreal 'existence' isn't it. :hearts:
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Hi Julie,
Your reply means such a lot,how we all keep going I will never know my mind is full of mixed thoughts which includes happy memories but most of all the the loss of my darling and how I could not do anything to keep her safe,we fought so hard to beat the tumours,the sad memories always push too the front of one's thoughts,a stark reminder of our loss and love we once had.What I would do just to hold her once more in my arms and tell her how much I love her and miss her every second of the day.so lost and lonely. :sad:
Best wishes
Colin.
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Yes- it is a lost feeling isn't it? Nothing I could do to get Alan well either- I'd have given anything to be able to do that.
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I'm sure there have been lots of tears for you today Colin but I hope you have had a few moments with happy memories.
:hug:
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Sending a hug Colin. Anniversaries are hard :hug: xx
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I know exactly how you feel Colin, I am missing my Carolyn so much, I would give anything for this pain to go away but I don't think it ever will, I feel lost, alone and without purpose. I feel I am in a nightmare and can't wake up. This month it will be 4 years since Carolyn died and it seems like yesterday. I am so bloody angry and resentful that Carolyn was ripped out of my life, my world was built around her and now nothing else matters. I just feel passed my sell-by date now and will be glad when its my time, no frills etc just had enough. I am not enjoying life at all, I met a lovely lady and we get on well most of the time but its not Carolyn, I miss my soul mate and the little things we did together, I would even now go shopping with her lol. God willing we will meet again soon. I just feel like I am being punished, but for what???
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:hug:thinking of you Colin.
The trouble with the idea of seeing them once more, is that once more will never be enough.
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Wise words Karena.
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Having a really bad day just cannot get over losing my Pat,not seen a sole all day feel like no-one wants me,my Son lives local and we speak nightly and see each other 1or2 times a week I try to explain how I feel and how sad I am,he says its no different for him,he misses his mum so much as well.This doesnt help me a great deal,still hurting and cry for my Pat every waking moment.Really dreading xmas not putting any decorations up etc life will never be the same and to celebrate xmas without my darling would be like a betrayal to enjoy life without her.Iloved her with all my heart,miss her so much.Trying to stay positive as much as possible,going to start clay pigeon shooting soon to get me out and mix with others this may help only time will tell. :sad: :candle:sweet dreams my darling till we are together again.
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It is different for your son Colin.its true that you both miss Pat. He has lost his mum but a lot if his life goes on as it did before. You have lost your life partner and everything has changed.
I think you have made a good decision to take up clay pigeon shooting. As you say it will get you out mixing with others I am coming round to thinking that this is a key part to us moving forward. Being alone with our thoughts only seems to drag us down.
Wishing you strength.
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Still having a hard time coping with the loss of my Pat,after nearly 8months life just dont get easier at times I ask myself why go on,I know I must for my darlings sake she would be saying get on with it thats the sort of lady she was,so full of love for me,but its so hard.I have had no support other than my G.P. and 2 sessions with Mcmillan,feeling so lost and lonely and broken hearted. :cry: :sad:
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The first year is so hard Colin :hug: its a very gradual journey.
There is always someone here that cares. Xx
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This is hard Colin. I think all we can do is plod on and trust those further along the journey whe tell us it will get easier to cope. Every day we get through is another obstacle behind us.
Take care
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Hi All,Not been on the forum for a few days,feeling so lost and lonely without my Pat,shed tears daily just don;t seem that life is worth going on,every night I pray that I dont wake up so I can be with my Pat oncemore but forever this time,spoken with cruse it helped a little,she said that what I am going through is normal and life will improve and get better over time and the memories will keep us together.My love for Pat is so great and will never faulter,she is my life and the only reason for me to carry on the best I can till we are once again together,love and miss her so much.sweetdreams my darling love you forever. :love:
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Hi Colin. Like you I long to be back with my wife. If there was an off button on me I would willingly press it. As it is I am muddling through each day not really liking it but doing my best.
If it is any consolation I did have one positive sign today. After a few weeks of absolute misery today I actually had a memory that made me happy without feeling upset afterwards. I never expected that. I thought I was stuck so it goes to show that we can move forward even though it is a very slow process. Perhaps you will have such a moment soon,
Stay strong
:hug: <----Man hug
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Thanks Hubby for your reply,the feelings of loss and lonliness just seem to overwhelm everything I do,like you the off button seems to be the answer to all our problems,but we all must strive to go forwards our loved ones would not wish or want us to do anything silly.The only thing that keeps me going in some degree is the fact that we will be together once again with one another for always and so in love. :sad:
we must stay strong.
Regards
Colin.
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It is overwhelming sometimes Colin. I try and keep myself busy to distract myself but it always seems to catch up with me. Then again I wouldn't expect it not to. Our partners were the main part of our lives.
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similar situation to you Colin feel the same,i do get a bit of comfort when i imagine my wife gives me a hug,i try and get out as much as possible or when in i have lights on tv on and radio on when i go to bed just to stop thinking,it does not make it any better but i would be told off by my vin if i did not try and do something .hope my thoughts help a bit.
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Hi to all,
42 weeks on Saturday since I lost the love of my life,my Darling Pat,feeling so lost and alone still finding it difficult to go further than my local Supermarket,just want to get back home to my Pat a.s.a.p. Stiil waiting for approval from Notts Police re my Gun Licence,once granted it will get me out with my Son and give me the motivation to do things,but I will always be on my own with my thoughts and memories of happy times that I shared with my Pat once back Home.The loss of my lifelong lover at most times is to great to bear,basically you just go from day to day living the nightmare and asking why I could not have done more to save my Sweetheart and live a long happy life together.Miss you so so much baby,love you till the end of time when we will be re-united forever. :hearts: :hearts: :love:
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Hi Colin.
I think day to day is the best we can hope for at this stage. Losing our lifelong partners has taken everything we had planned for our futures. That doesn't mean we don't have a future we just can't imagine what it will entail. We have to rebuild our lives around our loss and only then can we start planning again.
That's what my counsellor would say anyway. It's kind of hard to see a future for me as well.