Introduction

[Miss Misha]

Hi, I lost my partner of 12 years to cancer 11 weeks ago. I'm lost without him and though I have good support from family and friends I feel so lonely, and I cry a lot.

[Sandra61]

So sorry to hear of the loss of your husband. Sending you a welcome hug.   

I think any close loss always leaves you feeling lost. It collapses the ground from under your feet and changes your world forever. It is a huge blow and will take time to adjust to. it's not a change anyone would choose and that makes it harder to have to get used to. It's a long hard road and will take patience and will need you to be kind to yourself and look after yourself properly to help get you through it. I found little things to do that helped me do that.

You will cry a lot. Quite apart from the pain of the loss, it's a huge shock also, so crying is a normal reaction. I did find I had to work at trying to recover from that and find a way forward though and the things that helped me through were taking walks, having flowers around and writing about what had happened and how I felt about it all. It helped just to get out of the house and sitting in the park was a calming place in which to sit and try to come to terms and take in all that had happened. It helped too to see the inscriptions on the benches there from other people who had lost loved ones. It showed me that love lives on and those who are lost live on in the memories of those who knew them. The flowers were comforting somehow. Their beauty and scent reminded me that there are still good things in the world and lifted my spirits a fraction. Writing helped me make sense of my thoughts and feelings and helped get them out of my system a bit and gave me some relief. It provides an outlet for all those pent up unsaid and unacknowledged things.

You need to make an effort to eat and drink properly as it is easy to forget when you are overwhelmed with grief. You may find also, that if you look for them, there may be little signs to encourage you. Robins, feathers and the like are things that people often find are around soon after the loss of a loved one. It is thought that that may be a way of your loved one letting you know they are ok and still watching over you. Not everyone sees it that way or experiences this, but if you do, it can be a comfort.

Find your little things that help you, Misha and talk to us here whenever you wish. Everyone here has been through a loss and will have good advice and sympathy to offer. We are here for as long as you need us.
Sending strength. 

[Miss Misha]

Thank you for your reply. I have been taking walks and doing a bit of writing and I love my flowers too. I always have some in the house and I'm lucky enough to have a garden to potter about in too. I think it's not just John's death I'm dealing with...he was only 49 but also the whole before part when he was diagnosed with cancer and the fact we only had less than 6 months left together from that point. He was at home with me and our cat for the last 3 weeks of his life and watching him deteriorate before my eyes was so hard as there was nothing I could do to except love him. I miss him every minute of everyday and this grief is an emotional roller coaster. It is one of the hardest things I have ever had to cope with.

[Sandra61]

Yes, it absolutely is. I found that too, but hang in there. It takes a long time and it is a roller coaster, but eventually, you will find there are more good days than bad. I think we all dwell in those early days on the last times we spent with the person you have lost  and often that time was full of pain, but look at photos and write down memories of the good times you had and the things you loved about your husband and that will help bring back the good memories. Try visiting places you went together and although that may bring a tear to your eye to be there alone, it will also make you smile at the memories that it awakes. Most of all, keep going. Cuddle the cat! Pets are a huge help.

Wishing you well and sending strength.