Author Topic: Coming up to a year  (Read 32821 times)

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Offline Hubby

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Re: Coming up to a year
« Reply #30 on: March 02, 2017, 10:49:59 PM »
The sound of breaking glass is tempting 😈

I've had two more days pretty much the same. It was counselling yesterday and I only have a couple of sessions left. I still can't go over the time between Margaret collapsing and the machine being turned off without breaking down. There are huge gaps in my memory of events and I get things in the wrong order. My counsellor says it's not important that I remember everything but I feel that I need to. I want to be able to think about it without breaking down. I don't want to leave it blanked out. It plays on my mind that I cannot do that as, as long as I can't face it head in, it's always going to be there to stop me in my tracks. I just don't know how to go about it.

In other news I have arranged to go out for a drink with a friend on Saturday afternoon. No sooner had I hung up he phone when it struck me. Saturday is Margarets birthday.  :cry:

Offline Emz2014

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Re: Coming up to a year
« Reply #31 on: March 03, 2017, 07:21:46 AM »
I've been reading a fascinating book about the brain by David Eagleman,  he talks about memory.  The more we go over a particular memory the more it is 'reinforced' through the neural pathways, and interestingly we don't remember like a photographic memory or retrieving a file, we recreate each memory each time and a memory can be subtly altered over time based on current thoughts or even the current mood we are in when remembering it.

Maybe it's not such a bad thing we don't remember the intricate details of the most painful day/time.  Perhaps that's the natural protection mechanism of the brain? Maybe for our health/sanity we're not supposed to recall such painful memories in such detail?.  Remembering the intricate details doesn't change anything, and in a way just tortures us a bit more.  I think perhaps changing our focus to the loving/happier memories is better for us - there will always be painful memories but don't try to make them more vivid than the huge loving memories we have

When we feel we need to remember, maybe it's better to write it down in a diary somewhere, so we know we have it, but we don't 'reinforce' it in our brains causing pain?

Hope I've explained this in the right way - I don't mean any of it to be upsetting in any way  :hug:

 :hearts:

Xx
Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise. 
Hold on in there xx

Offline Karena

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Re: Coming up to a year
« Reply #32 on: March 03, 2017, 06:36:45 PM »
I think emz is right There are hours I can't recall,only a few key things stick out,and I dont want to remember those so I try and tidy them away,because they will never be not painful and I have accepted that this is the case.

In between there were hours of trying to come to terms with what was happening,trying to cling to hope that it wasn't happening,wondering if I could have done something to prevent it but nothing actually happened in those hours except my thoughts about that as I sat holding his hand.Were those thoughts any different really to the ones that came after,trying to come to terms with what happened,hoping it was a nightmare and it hadn't happened,wondering if I could have done anything to prevent it.It seems to me they really went except perhaps the end of hope he would survive it.

Offline Hubby

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Re: Coming up to a year
« Reply #33 on: March 04, 2017, 11:34:59 PM »
Thanks emz and Karena. I wish I could tidy away the thoughts but it's playing on my mind all the time. I can talk about just about anything with my counsellor but when it comes to those four days I just go quiet and start crying. I can't even get the words out. I hope that by facing them head on I can make the memories hurt less.

Friday was a terrible day. I woke up for work crying and ended up lying in he bedroom floor sobbing like a baby. I managed to compose myself enough to go to work and managed the day ok. On the way home I stopped off in a supermarket for some shopping and got a bunch of flowers, a vase and a 'birthday girl' rosette (Margaret likes that sort if thing). The checkout girl spotted the flowers and said "Somebidy is lucky". I let it go but it really hurt. I managed to keep it together till I got out to my van and had my second bawling session of the day.

Today wasn't as bad. I had a banging headache this morning and cancelled the planned trip out with my friend. I didn't want to go to the grave with my daughters so left it till later in the afternoon and walked up with billy. The grave looked lovely with all the flowers and even though I got upset I felt quite close to Margaret while I was there rather than the despair I have felt on other visits.


Offline Karena

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Re: Coming up to a year
« Reply #34 on: March 05, 2017, 09:44:42 PM »
 :hug: so a mixed bag but I,m glad you are able to go to the grave and feel closer to her rather than the feelings you used to have there.

Offline Hubby

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Re: Coming up to a year
« Reply #35 on: March 06, 2017, 11:10:14 PM »
Thanks Karena.

I've had a few pretty good days since Saturday.

On Sunday I watched Ollie while my daughters went to church to sort out some stuff about his christening next Sunday. Then I did the usual curry for tea (I'm an expert at unscrewing a Sharwoods jar now). After they left I started clearing some stuff out in the kitchen. I found a mug I'd bought for Margaret in Blackpool with 'soulmates' on it which set me off for a bit and I've had a few little weeps but at least I'm getting small things done around the house. I should have it all sorted by 2030 at this rate.

Next weeks going to be hard. It's the one year anniversary and I am going to relive those four days that changed my life forever.

Offline Karena

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Re: Coming up to a year
« Reply #36 on: March 07, 2017, 08:59:28 PM »
 :hug: its a difficult time.My solution was to not try and ignore it,not try and go to work and pretend it wasn't happening but to take the day off and mark it,to affirm I suppose that it was a difficult day,a day I will never forget but also for me to pretend to such a degree seemed not just difficult but almost disloyal. But that was my take on it.We are all different and must all find our own way through it whichever way we can,but having a strategy whatever that is,might be a good idea.

Offline Hubby

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Re: Coming up to a year
« Reply #37 on: March 08, 2017, 11:11:06 PM »
Thanks for the advice Karena. I am working on a plan. I don't want to stay off work as I think staying at home would be too hard but I have knocked back a course I was meant to go on during that week and informed my boss that it might be a difficult time for me leaving the option for last minute changes to working times and keeping me away from high stress parts of the job.

I dont even know when the anniversary is. They turned the machines off on the 19th but all hope was gone days before that. I guess each day will bring it's own troubles.

I've been pretty much OK most of the time with the odd bout of intense despair and occasional angry outbursts. As if I am always on the edge of losing control one way or the other.

Counselling today was really hard. I wrote down a timeline of the day Margaret collapsed. I couldn't remember the times and initially there were huge holes where I couldn't remember what happened but gradually I added to it so I've pretty much gone through all of it for the first time since it happened. Needless to say it was very upsetting but I feel better for it. I only have one or two sessions left but I don't think there will be much more they can do when I get the first year behind me.

I hope everyone has a better day tomorrow than today
« Last Edit: March 08, 2017, 11:20:00 PM by Hubby »

Offline Karena

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Re: Coming up to a year
« Reply #38 on: March 09, 2017, 09:04:53 PM »
 :hug:
I agree I think there is only so far counselling can help,I think it focuses a lot on helping bring some rationality some aspects of how we think,to recognise emotions and coping strategys for when they overwhelm us,but it can't take them away or stop grief in its tracks,just try and help us cope . But I do remember feeling quite anxious that counselling was ending.Not something I expected,considering I had been reluctant to start it in the first place.But I had a feeling of being cast adrift.In the event though I knew that other people newer on the journey had more urgent need than me, and I wasn't cast adrift because I had this place.

Offline Hubby

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Re: Coming up to a year
« Reply #39 on: March 12, 2017, 07:29:37 PM »
Thanks Karena. I think the counselling has done its job and it's down to me now.

I've had a couple of days that have been mainly OK. Work has been pretty hectic and kept me occupied. I've had a few moments when I've suddenly realised I havnt thought about Margaret for a while. Then I get to thinking I'm forgetting her, then I feel guilty, then the tears come and remind me I havnt forgotten her at all.

Today was my grandsons christening. The service went really well then came the celebration nibbles. I didn't enjoy that. I just feel awkward in family situations now. I spent a lot of time standing outside in the drizzle having a vape and a bit if s sob. Later on I walked home in the rain for some alone time which took two hours. I'd rather be alone by myself than in a room full of people.  I suppose that is just the way things are now. 

Offline Karena

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Re: Coming up to a year
« Reply #40 on: March 13, 2017, 08:49:45 PM »
 :hug:aw hubby I think gatherings like that highlight hat you are there on your own and its all wrong,not how its supposed to be,not how we ever imagined it could be.Coping with the day to day is bad enough but this isn't day to day,thankfully usually they don't come around too often.

Offline Hubby

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Re: Coming up to a year
« Reply #41 on: March 14, 2017, 10:42:53 PM »
Thanks Karena.

Well it's here. 12 months ago tonight I would have been on a night shift. I would have come home, climbed into bed, kissed Margaret and gone to sleep. I would be woken a couple of hours later to a complete nightmare that changed my life forever and left me broken.

Margaret 'died' on the 19th when she was taken off the ventilator but I lost her before then. Tomorrow would be the last day she spoke to me.

I'm falling apart at the moment. I saw her toothbrush in the bathroom and could picture her using it before she went to bed. I. The bedroom I could picture her getting ready for her last night in our bed.

Ivan see the next four days are going to be hard. I just hope I don't fall apart in work. 

Offline Karena

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Re: Coming up to a year
« Reply #42 on: March 14, 2017, 11:47:30 PM »
 :hug: they will be difficult but you will get through them.

Offline Norma

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Re: Coming up to a year
« Reply #43 on: March 17, 2017, 07:32:09 AM »
The day has past hubby, youve come through it, i know it wont have been easy, but you made it

 :hug:
Its been a rough week but i made it. How about you 💐

Offline Hubby

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Re: Coming up to a year
« Reply #44 on: March 21, 2017, 08:34:41 PM »
Thanks all. I did get through it but that was a difficult five days.

I was all over the place. I did have time when I was ok. Probably most of the time to be honest but the lows were so low and the memories so vivid it took me completely by surprise. At times it was like being there again and I've even remembered things that had been lost to me before now. There have been lots of triggers and tears.

Yesterday was the day after the anniversary and I was really tired. My sleeps been messed up and I practically collapsed into bed when I got in from work. I guess the dip took it out of me.

Today was fine in the main. The only upset was when I made a load of spaghetti bolognese for tea. Halfway through doing it I remembered that spag Bol was the first meal I cooked for margaret when we were going out and I was trying to impress her. One if those happy memories that ends in floods.