Author Topic: Dont know how to deal with grief and guilt  (Read 3784 times)

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Offline ComplicatedGrief

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Dont know how to deal with grief and guilt
« on: December 16, 2016, 02:23:45 AM »
Hi.

I just joined this group hoping someone might understand some aspect of what I am going through. I lost my mum 12 years ago, after a five year battle with mylofibrosis, when i was 10 years old. i never really let myself grieve in a vulnerable way. i just cried when I thought I was meant to and when it made sense to. i was really focused on being normal and not being seen as a pity case.

After about 7 years of completely blocking my mum from my life, never letting myself feel anything about her, I started to have anxiety. My mum was so removed from my life that it took me over a year to realise her illness and death might have to do with how i was feeling.

After another few years, i realised that i was blocking myself from feeling anything and couldnt really love or connect to anyone in a real way. i opened myself up to my grief again a couple of months ago and its been so aweful and scary.

I feel terrified of death. some days i leave my house and i feel faint and think im gonna die so i panic and then go home. i wish i didnt have to go through this. whenever i feel okay,  i think im turning numb again and will stop feeling so i get scared and feeling aweful again. i just dont know how i am supposed to do this!

Also, the lifestyle i live is very different from how my mum lived from a religious perspective. her lifestyle made me feel stuck and wrong. i know that if she would still be alive she would be devastated and heart broken about this. every time i try to connect to the person she was and my feelings towards her, the guilt comes up and because i dont know how to deal with it i just feel stuck and anxious.

I hate these feelings even though i know i need them in order to feel again and experience good things in my life. i dont know how to do this grief thing!!

Any suggestions welcome!!

Love and peace x


Offline Julie Magson

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Re: Dont know how to deal with grief and guilt
« Reply #1 on: December 16, 2016, 02:54:29 PM »
Hello- glad you've found us- are you having, or have you had, any counselling at all? I think that being able to talk all this through with someone might be of help to you?

Offline Brian71

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Re: Dont know how to deal with grief and guilt
« Reply #2 on: December 16, 2016, 03:57:03 PM »
Well talking about it on here is a good start,    as talking about it does seem to help a lot of people, so continue to do so.
As Julie suggested it sounds like talking to a councillor would be a good idea,  have a search online to see what is available in the area where you live,  also don't overlook your own doctor, as they don't just give medical advice,  some doctors can really empathise and relate to how you are feeling.   I was pleasantly surprised the lengths my own doctor went to after losing my wife just over 8mths ago,  even phoned me up one night at 10.50pm to check if I was okay,  simply because I had failed to phone him at 5pm in his surgery as he had requested the previous week, some doctors can be very caring.
« Last Edit: December 16, 2016, 03:58:55 PM by Brian71 »

Offline Hubby

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Re: Dont know how to deal with grief and guilt
« Reply #3 on: December 17, 2016, 12:14:46 AM »
Welcome to the forum.

Ten is a strange age to lose someone close. You are old enough to be sad and notice that everyone is upset but not really old enough to fully take in the loss. My daughters lost their favourite uncle, he was more of a dad to them than me, at that age and I don't think they really came to terms with it.

As you get older I think you begin to appreciate how your lost ones would have helped with problem times and shared happy times and realise how much they really meant to you. It is no surprise to me that those thoughts could trigger grieving as if the loss were fresh.

As mentioned you could try counselling. Be prepared for a wait as NHS and charity services are extremely busy but I have found it worthwhile if only to give me somewhere to go to 'empty my head' of some of the strange feelings grief throws at me.

Wishing you strength.

 :hug:

Offline Karena

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Re: Dont know how to deal with grief and guilt
« Reply #4 on: December 20, 2016, 08:38:11 PM »
Hi.I can only agree with what the others have said about counselling,but just wanted to add firstly guilt is a normal feature of grief,but also as a mother of two daughters both have very different lifestyles from me,but that's OK.it does not mean I love them any less. :hug:

Offline Deb63

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Re: Dont know how to deal with grief and guilt
« Reply #5 on: December 31, 2016, 10:22:20 PM »
Welcome to you. .i hope here will help you find a little peace  :hug: