Author Topic: New To the Forum  (Read 1495 times)

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Offline TCB1989

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New To the Forum
« on: January 05, 2021, 12:27:46 PM »
Hi All,

It is my first time posting.

I am a 31 year old male, i suffered the loss of my parents a few years back now but all of a sudden the grief seems to have caught up with me after all these years.

I lost my mum very very unexpectedly to cancer back in 2012 then 4 years later in 2016 my dad, he basically drank himself to death after my mum died.

As ive mentioned it is almost like the grief has come to the surface all these years later and i myself am starting to use drink as a crutch, dont drink every day by all means but when the down days sink in and the memories of them both are floating around in my head.

Its the first time ive really spoken about it all.

Offline Sandra61

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Re: New To the Forum
« Reply #1 on: January 06, 2021, 10:25:39 AM »
I am so sorry to hear of the difficulty you are having now following the loss of your parents. I think there are quite a few people who experience a delayed grief or a returning sense of grief. I don't think the sadness of any loss ever fully leaves you. How can it when the love you have for those you have lost does not disappear? Many here say grief is like a roller-coaster; there are bad times and better times and it does seem to stay that way, no matter how long ago the loss occurred. I came here after losing my mum in 2017 and really struggling with that, but I lost my dad in 1985. Some might say that was a long time ago and you should be 'over it' by now, but I don't think you do ever really get over such a close loss. You learn to live with it. The initial pain does dull, but it never really goes away. There are still times when I miss them both so much, well, most days if I'm honest. I certainly think of them both every day and still talk to their pictures and I don't think that is so unusual either. Grief and loss change you as a person and that's something you have to learn to accept and adjust to also.

For myself, I found that moving on from a loss is something you have to find ways to help yourself do and help yourself cope with on an on-going basis. Alcohol won't help, I'm afraid. It just makes you more depressed after a while, even if there is an initial boost to start with. Talking works much better along with writing about how you felt about those losses and how you feel now. If you go to your GP, they will refer you to a grief counselor, which will help with this and in there are bereavement groups in some areas too that may help you to join. In the absence of those, try writing about it all, not just the losses, but your experience of losing each of your parents both at the time and since then. Try going out for a walk when you feel down. Getting out of the house really helps. I found it really helped to walk in the park and that was a good place to sit and think about it all and try to come to terms with it all. It was a calming and beautiful environment that helped me feel calmer too. You have the proof that drinking didn't help your dad already, so don't go down the same route. It won't help. Look for something better that will help you move forward. Your parents would want better for you so it's up to you to find a way to get through this in a more positive way yourself now that they are not here to help you do that.

Wishing you well.  :hug:

Offline Seven

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Re: New To the Forum
« Reply #2 on: January 09, 2021, 09:48:05 PM »
Hello, your post designated with me as I know how it is possible to put your grief on hold. However it does creep to the surface at some point. I have learned that my uptake in drinking alcohol was the likely consequence of suppressing my grief, I don’t think I intentionally avoided it I think it was more self protection.
I just want to say that the fact that you have awareness of this a d have voiced your truth here is a huge step. Well done for honouring your feelings and being brave. The path to healing is in front of you xx