Hello Carron, it was my mum I had lost when I found my way here, so it's different for me, because the loss must feel different,but I do think Karena has a point. I know a year is a milestone and like you I hoped to feel better in the second year, but I didn't even start to feel any better until towards the end of the second year. I think what I have learned is that time can't be counted the same way in terms of grief and loss and all the misery it brings with it. Just because a year has gone, that doesn't mean your feelings change or the grief suddenly stops or gets any easier. Your loved one is still gone and you may be growing used to them not being there, but that doesn't stop you missing them terribly. You can learn to go back to work and get on with your day to day life, but you still always miss them and notice their absence. I think that's how it goes on. Some days are easier to get through than others and winter definitely doesn't help.
In regard to being in an empty house, I find it helps to have some background noise, be it TV, radio or music playing. It helps you feel less isolated. I also find getting out of the house for a walk in the park helps me a lot. It is a calming environment in which to walk or sit whilst you try to come to terms with all that has happened. I also left the light on at home in the hallway to help me feel more confident about arriving home to an empty house in the early days, although I have now got used to knowing I will not find the house the same as I used to in the days before I lost my mum. It helped to see a light on coming back.
I think what we have to accept is that we will probably always be struggling with grief in some way and some days will just be worse than other times.
I also find it helps a bit to change your environment. Move the furniture around and a room feels different and I feel, makes it a bit less painful as you are not constantly faced with the spot you were used to seeing occupied by the person you have lost, at least not looking the same as it did when they were here and that makes it easier in my experience. It is hard to do it on an emotional basis, but makes it a bit easier for me to be in that space.
The other thing I would recommend is joining a class in some subject you have an interest in or an interest you shared with the person you have lost. That may become possible again once the vaccine arrives and life gets back to normal a bit next year. It helped me because I felt I was pursuing that interest on both our behalves and it enabled me to make some new friends and we have, in these very odd times, been able to support eachother and keep one another going througout this ghastly Covid crisis. It is nice to get a text or a call from someone, so that you know someone is thinking of you and bolsters you up a bit, much as you and Jackie have here, along with the rest of us who have replied. We don't know you beyond this virtual world, but we are thinking of you and will all try to support and help you and one another here at least. You are not alone.
Sending an understanding hug.
