New, an introduction

[Daisy Williams]

Hello, My Mam died on Saturday 9thJanuary 2021.

She was 86 and has had dementia for 20 years and it is 15 years since she has known me.  I have grieved for my mother for many years as she faded away from me and slowly disappeared.  I have needed her very badly over the years and had to accept she wasn't there to help me.  Her finances were in a mess and without POA I struggled to sort things out and keep them that way.  Etc Etc Etc.

She died from Covid on Saturday and I feel...........  tired but calm and not much more except so guilty for not feeling more.  I was unable to be with her and was very worried that she would be frightened after being taken by ambulance from the Care Home to the hospital.  I was worried about ringing the hospital because I knew that they were frantically busy, when I did they told me she had just died.

I cannot believe I do not feel devastated.  I should, I have been so often over the years and now.......nothing.    I have not shed a tear.  I am crazy I think or else I am going the way she did with dementia.

[Karena]

HI sending you a warm welcome  .
As you say yourself you have been grieving for a long time already -but from my experience  when you know some-one has any illness with no cure there is  part of you that doesnt dwell on the final outcome - even has some hope  when you know it isnt a realistic one, that there will be a cure at the last minute or it was a mistake - i think thats the only way we do cope and our brains way of helping us do so and to focus on doing what we can for them in the here and now - so it can still be a shock when they die  and shock can bring about that calm you describe - add to that we busy ourselves with the formalitys and again push actual grief to one side - so it may be that you will be more upset later but it is also fine and normal after such a long slow grief you have already been through if it doesnt affect you then either - we are all different and there is no right or wrong way to do this.

Guilt is a part of grief - there just is no way you could have done anything about the way this happened and that is one of the cruelties of covid even for those who lose people to other illnesses in a lockdown. Your mum may have been frightened but from the care home staff, through the paramedics to the hospital staff they would absolutely have done their best to re-assure her - no matter how run off their feet and stressed  they may be compassion is what put them into those jobs and so all you can really do is trust in that.

My mum also died alone - its a long time ago now but she sent me home because she was worried about me driving home in the snow and then went downhill so quickly she had gone before i got through the door and i know sending me home was an act of love for me - no matter how old they are concern for our childrens well being is highest priority and there was no indication she was so ill she wouldn't be there the next day -  but that  didnt stop me feeling guilty that i hadnt insisted on staying - in the end though i think we have to focus on the time that we did spend caring for them the years they spent caring for us and the bond that was formed and remained all our lives which although it changed and was stretched and took new directions over the years is never lost even when they are no longer here.

I found this site after my husband died and it was a massive support for me - somewhere to write what you feel -and even just the act of writing helps -  somewhere you can be honest and not have to be an actor programmed to meet societies expectations and somewhere other people are who understand because we are all at different stages of the same journey.      

[Sandra61]

So sorry to hear of the loss of your mum, Daisy. Sending you a hug.  I also found my way here after losing my mum and again, I wasn't there when she passed away and experienced terrible guilt about that. It has never fully gone away. She was in hospital and I had spent every night with her for four nights as I knew it wasn't long until she passed and on that day, I left around 9.00 AM, exhausted, to come home for a few hours' sleep, but got call at about 11.00 to say I should go back asap and I got there at about midday. It was too late and she was gone. I still feel terrible about that. As Karena says, perhaps they do wait for you to go, so you don't have to witness the moment or perhaps the will-power to keep going fades when you leave them. I don't know, but as Karena says, you have to trust that someone kind looked after them at the time. It isn't unusual for this to happen. My gran passed away soon after we left to come home for a rest also. My dad had a heart attack and died alone too even though we were all in the house. It is horrible, but we can't predict when these things will happen and however strong the spirit, the flesh is weak and we do surrender to exhaustion at times.

In my case, like you, I was sad and felt guilty. Part of me was devastated also, both because she was gone and because I wasn't there, but I still remember that my overwhelming feeling was one of calm relief. I knew she wasn't suffering anymore and that was a huge relief to me. Perhaps that is part of the reason why you feel as you do. There is also the fact that, in a way, you already lost her fifteen years ago. A person doesn't have to have physically died for you to grieve for their loss and the body means far less than the loss of the person who inhabited it. Shock is no doubt another element of reason why you feel as you do. I suspect you will find days when you feel far less calm, but I think you will have known for a long time now, that this day was coming and in a way, having lost your mum so many years ago already, this just completed that and part of you will be happy that she is no longer suffering, just as I was.

You don't have to be in a state of distress and be crying all the time to be grieving. We all do it differently. I suspect the funeral may make a difference to how you feel. I find them almost unbearable. Others find them helpful. You will no doubt find your way to grieve as time moves forward. There is no right or wrong way to do it, so just be however you are and that will be right for you. It's a tough road and a long one with many twists and turns, but we do understand here and are here for you for as long as you need us.