Author Topic: Hello  (Read 22021 times)

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Offline Sarah83

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Re: Hello
« Reply #15 on: March 23, 2019, 09:02:49 PM »
Today has been a really terrible day so far, keep getting flash backs of my dads face when he was dying. I haven’t really had them for a little while now but today for some reason I can’t shake the image. Watching him suffocate in front of me, my wonderful dad I think these images will haunt me forever! I just can’t believe it, not my dad, he was so alive then cancer took him. I don’t feel like I will ever be ok again, how can I be the same person with these images in my head. How do you live without the people you live for. My dad made my life better, I miss him so much.

I can’t get passed the fact that he was alive, happy, living then dead, gone. He must of been so afraid, so deeply sad to know he was going to miss out. I feel so bad for him that he isn’t here. I almost don’t want to do anything so he isn’t missing anything.

Offline Karena

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Re: Hello
« Reply #16 on: March 25, 2019, 11:43:32 AM »
 :hug: Again you need legal advice, you are right you cant really live in one room with your daughter, but as you say get the anniversary over with and then start taking action.Writing  stuff down does help, because while its in your head its very difficult to evaluate exactly what needs doing but also will feel much more un managable.

Your brother wont be helping, but at the moment there are more important things at the top of your list that need to take priority - perhaps he needs to put his big boy pants on and deal with the fact he isnt a child anymore and your dad was helping you out because you needed it at the time and your brother did not.

Offline Sandra61

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Re: Hello
« Reply #17 on: March 26, 2019, 09:30:33 AM »
Hi Sarah,

I really think you have to make seeing the CAB the priority then, if your husband is living in your house and you are in one room with your daughter. I don't know much about divorce, but I do know they prioritise the child's living conditions and often selling the house is forbidden until the child is of age and it is the spouse who has to move out and the mother and children who are entitled to be in the house. You need to know your rights. Go and get advice. Make notes, as you won't remember all they tell you. Knowledge is power. You will feel better once you have some.

I am sure your dad would have been of help, but without him, just use that knowledge to empower yourself. If he would have known what to do, you can find out too and learn to be strong and wise too. A lot of wisdom comes from experience.

I wouldn't stand still. I would at least go and see the CAB.

I am sorry your brother is put out finding out the degree to which your dad helped you out, but that was his choice and your brother needs to understand that. No doubt he would have done the same for your brother if he had needed it. It isn't a measure of how much he loved each of you. Perhaps that is something you need to remind your brother of.

I know all about the 'joys' of dealing with probate, so I do have some sympathy with him over that! It really is a ghastly process that comes at exactly the time when you feel least able to deal with it, so perhaps cut him a little slack with this. It may not be that he is upset with what he is finding out about your dad having helped you out as upset caused by having to deal with all this officialdom. I know it has driven me mad for the last 18 months and I am still not at the end of the process!

Good luck, Sarah! :hearts:

Offline Sarah83

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Re: Hello
« Reply #18 on: April 01, 2019, 07:39:01 PM »
Hi there, just wanted to sign back on and let you know what I’ve been doing. I have taken and thank you so much,  lots of the advice you have all given and I feel a little bit better.

I have bought a memory box and have started adding bits to it that represent the man my daddy was. My little girl  gets it out a hundred times a day and we have to talk through it all which is nice. It makes it feel like he isn’t so far away and just gone. It does bring it home that he is going to miss out on so much with his granddaughter which is really sad as he deserved to be here with her. At the moment by brain is trying to figure out why he had to go and I’m trying to persuade myself that it is just out of our hands. When you haven’t lost anyone close before death feels so alien, I don’t really understand what it means. I really want to find out if there is something afterward so that there will be a time I will see my dad again. It feels so odd knowing that you won’t see someone again.

Regarding my husband, I have sorted some advice and looked into some benefits I could get to help me at the moment. It looks like the balls firmly in my court and I need to be more confident about what needs doing. I just hate the fact that what I’m doing is hurting somebody and is breaking up the family, even though he has pushed me to this. I wish I wasn’t a person who was always worried about offending or hurting people when people always hurt and offend me.

Offline Karena

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Re: Hello
« Reply #19 on: April 02, 2019, 11:15:11 AM »
 :hug: Sarah it isnt you that is breaking up the familly it is him and his behaviour - you cant go on putting up with it and you shouldnt have too. --try and  think about it another way - your daughter will observe it and when it becomes what she sees as normal then there are a couple of things that can happen.
Firstly she receives the message that you are incompetant, that you are wrong, not worthy of respect and that you can be treated that way -and spoken too that way - and so she copies it and that is her realtionship with you - she is little now, but by the time she is a teenager that message is well and truly installed in her.

Secondly what about her future relationships - if it is ok for you to be treated that way then perhaps if she doesnt see that as being wrong, so she follows the pattern and gets into a similar relationship herself.

Some-one i am close too was in a relationship that was physically abusive - they had a baby boy  together and she thought i was wrong to split up the familly -even though i kept saying it was better for the baby to have a loving, independant mother than a battered one and better for his future not to think that it it is ok to hit his partners because he saw his dad get away with it all the time.
The day he hit her as she was putting the baby down and then she saw her blood all over the baby was the day she finally left  and even though there were difficult times afterwards she never looked back with regret at leaving.
I know physical abuse might be different but emotional and mental abuse is equally as damaging just in a different way - it is still abuse.

Your husband could chose to modify his behaviour in future, if he realises that it isnt acceptable so in a sense you could be doing him a favour too although he wont see it now, but perhaps allowing him to be more successful in a future relationship - and maybe he will come to respect you for that and you can be freinds, but how he responds is his choice you cannot be resonsible for it.

I know its difficult i am very much like you, when it comes to putting myself last and being worried about hurting others, but your dad obviousely thought more of you too  he would be cheering you on and you know that - taking a stand now is not a selfish act - if you feel you are not worth it remember those you love and let that give you strength to act for the best.It doesnt have to be the end of your daughters relationship with her dad but it wont be in the same little unit it was and that is far from unusual these days,how he conducts that relationship again it is up to him to make the effort required.

The question of an afterlife is something we would probably all like answered - but maybe  the answer isnt good for us - maybe we would behave even worse as humans if we thought this was just a practice run.
My personal feeling is that there is something - and i am pretty open minded about what that something could be.From a physics point of view energy cannot leave it might take another form but cant be lost but some of  those other  " certaintys" that traditional physics had us follow are being questioned in the fairly new science of quantum physics, so just as more traditional science questioned religious or cultural beliefs in the past, quantum physics is now questioning that in turn, so there are still very few absolutes, and many possabilitys.Even neuro scientists cannot fully explain consciousness, and so cannot dismiss the idea of us having a soul or spirit amd it is that which i think remains around us after they die.     

 

Offline Sarah83

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Re: Hello
« Reply #20 on: April 02, 2019, 11:59:45 AM »
Yes everything you said is totally right and the reason I finally left in the end was for the sake of my daughter. Our last argument was horrible, he actually threatened me and my daughter just sat on the sofa screaming at the top of her voice. I just thought what am I doing, I was staying for the sake of our family but it just wasn’t right. Now I hate to see him so broken, he is truly devastated and so am I but I will never trust him again. Probably will never just another man again! At the moment I’m not really taking any action and he is doing nothing, hoping I’ll change my mind. Every time I try and speak to him he cry’s and I feel terrible.

Offline Sandra61

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Re: Hello
« Reply #21 on: April 03, 2019, 10:29:50 AM »
Oh Sarah, what a bad time for all this to have happened to you, but the fact that you are still talking to us on here and considering how to move forward, even if that does feel like you are facing an impossible task, just shows how strong and realistic you really are at the bottom of you. Despite all the hurt and worry that is uppermost in your mind at the moment, you are thinking about the future and that is what your dad would want. You can't afford to worry about your husband or how he is feeling. You are responsible for your daughter, so just think about you and her.

Karena is right in everything she says. I worked in a school for some years and there was a boy there who was about twelve, who lived in a household with an abusive father. He settled arguments with his fists, because that was what he saw at home and he treated girls with a complete lack of respect. Children learn from what they see and emulate that, so your daughter needs to see that strength and purpose you are struggling to find in yourself at the moment. But she sees you trying and will learn from that. So keep that in your mind. Besides which, I am sure you never want her to witness another argument like the one you have described.

Other people's feelings are down to them. Your feelings are all you can manage. You know what you need to do and you know what your dad would advise, so get on and do it for you and for him and for your daughter. You are not the first and will not be the last to have to. I also now work with a doctor who is involved in helping women in abusive relationships, so I do know, others can and have done it. So can you. Stay strong. Stay purposed. I suspect your husband may end up respecting you more for that in the future and may re-evaluate his own behaviour in the future through this, so you will be doing good all round. Also, it is kinder really to him top start doing concrete things that indicate to him that you are closing the door on your past together and will not be changing your mind, so that he too will start to have to accept this and move on.

I know the memories of your dad can be hard and sometimes the painful ones will rise to the surface, but as time passes, the good memories come to the surface more and more. I think this is down to the growing acceptance that you will reach. Gradually, as you come to terms with the fact that you can't change anything that happened, you learn to just live with that pain and it recedes a little and you find yourself focusing on the good memories that, after all, made up the majority of his and your days. It is good to remember that fact. He made the most of the largest part of his life and you were a big part of that that he clearly valued hugely, so that should make you realise your own self-worth, so you need to protect you - if only to honour what your dad valued. He knew you were worth it, so you must grasp that too.

As for an afterlife, I don't have any doubts that I will see my lost loved ones again. I believe they live on. But it is a very personal thing. We all feel differently about it and time shapes that belief, so you will probably develop different feelings and beliefs about this throughout your life. I have. I miss the ones I have lost terribly, but I do believe their spirits live on and that, at least some of the time, they are around still in a different form. I have never stopped believing in them and get the feeling that although, they have moved on to a new kind of existence, they still believe in me, so I have to keep working to make the best of my life for them. It's hard, but it matters to me to keep going and keep trying so that I will be what they raised and wanted me to be. I don't know if any of that helps you, Sarah, but that's my two penneth on the subject! I really believe love never dies and our loved ones never really leave us. We may feel alone and feel like they are gone, but that may not be as final as we think and may not even be the real truth, so I keep an open mind and accept the signs I see and they bolster me up and support me on days when I feel low. If nothing else, the love they left in my heart will always be there, so that is my strength.

Thinking of you and wishing you luck..xx :hearts: :hug:


Offline Sarah83

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Re: Hello
« Reply #22 on: April 03, 2019, 11:14:59 AM »
Thanks guys your replies really are helping me so much, so far I have been on a really lonely path!

Today a year ago at about 8am my dad took his final breath. People are asking me if I am ok but to be honest it’s not worse or better than any other day!

Offline Sandra61

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Re: Hello
« Reply #23 on: April 04, 2019, 09:49:54 AM »
Hi Sarah,

Well, you've made it this far. Getting through the first year is a big mile-stone. I wouldn't say it gets easier after that, but at least you know you have survived thus far without your dad being around. No doubt it will stir up all the worst memories once again being the first anniversary, but you will get through that. Did you decide to mark the day at all? I had to work on my mum's first anniversary. It was a tough day. I kept watching the clock and thinking back to what I was doing at that time back then, It was rather a low point for me, but some people take flowers to the cemetery or release balloons or something, so that they can mark it in some special way.

I'm glad it's helping you to talk to people here. We are here for as long as you need us.

Thinking of you,,xx :hearts:

Offline Sarah83

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Re: Hello
« Reply #24 on: April 04, 2019, 10:13:10 AM »
I took my daughter to her gymnastics lesson in the morning and to the park in the afternoon. I just tried to carry on as normal. To be honest I tried to ignore the day, if I start thinking about dad I’ll let the flood gates open again and I’m too exhausted for it. I tried when I went to bed to think about him and I did have some funny thoughts about the silly things he said and as I predicted I cried myself to sleep in a state! It’s just too much to think about him and him not being here anymore. I’m sure everyone says the same things but he was a great dad and I miss his love so much. He really did love me and I really feel it’s gone now.

Offline Karena

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Re: Hello
« Reply #25 on: April 04, 2019, 10:27:05 AM »
 :hug: its ok to cry Sarah in fact its probably a good thing  :hug: 

Offline Sandra61

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Re: Hello
« Reply #26 on: April 04, 2019, 11:11:52 AM »
You know, I think your situation is probably affecting you to a large degree. You have so much to cope with at the moment on top of your loss and loss is hard enough to cope with without anything else going on, so I am sure this is making things worse for you and may be partly why to feel your dad's absence so keenly. I know you say you feel his love is gone from you, but it really isn't. You may be feeling too many other things at the moment that just exaggerate that feeling of it being gone, but you still have it within you and it will never really be gone. His physical presence is gone, but his love does stay with you. You miss him. Of course you do, You miss him being here, but you have the memories he left you and the knowledge of the faith and love he had for you, so that remains. You will never really be without him.

It may not be in this conversation, I don't have time to check now, but Karena mentioned the theory of continuing the bonds that bind us to a loved one and how we can use that to maintain our relationship with a lost loved one, I have read a little about that now and agree that that is something most of us try to do in some way. Your relationship with a lost loved one does not end when they die. We still go on thinking of them and loving them. Our relationship with them just changes, because they are not physically there anymore. It might help you to look into this theory, Sarah. It sounds a good way of moving forward into a future without a lost loved one's presence in it to me and I think is probably something we all seek to do. We just haven't expressed or perhaps recognised that on our own. This theory makes perfect sense to me. You might find it helpful to read up on it. just a thought.

Sending you a hug, Sarah ..xx :hug: :hug:

Offline Sarah83

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Re: Hello
« Reply #27 on: April 04, 2019, 07:19:07 PM »
I’m sure this is everyone’s wish but I just want to be happy, I have’t just been going through the motions for a long time.

I want to go back to my house. I want to start decorating again like me and my dad did together. I want to start getting into gardening, I think these things will help me to be happy again.  But I can’t as my husband is still in the house. I want him to move out, he can’t cope with the house, it’s only small but when I go over it’s in such a mess, it’s making me upset. Yesterday he cracked one of the kitchen work tops, it’s only 2 years old. He is slowly destroying the work me and my dad did. There are food stains everywhere and all the pots pans etc everywhere full of food, he is obviously not coping. I so badly want this sorted, my little girl needs to go home. But everywhere  I turn I’m going to be hurting someone so do nothing and I’m hurting myself now.

Offline Sandra61

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Re: Hello
« Reply #28 on: April 04, 2019, 11:02:17 PM »
I agree, Sarah. Everyone wants to be happy, but to make that happen, you need to take some action sometimes, and I think this is one of those times. Doing nothing never helps sort anything out. You need to get advice and start trying to get your husband to move out and yourself and your daughter back into your house. You will have rights because of your daughter.

Take your courage in both hands and go and find out what you need to do to start the process. It may take a while, so the sooner you begin, the sooner you will regain some control over your life and that will make you feel better. One step at a time, yes. But you have to start taking those steps. Nothing will get sorted out until you start making that happen.

Sending you strength and a hug..xx :hug:

Offline Sarah83

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Re: Hello
« Reply #29 on: April 05, 2019, 08:21:22 PM »
Ok please wish me luck I’m about to put my big girl pants on an approach my husband. I can see this effecting my daughter now, today wasn’t a great day! I’m off into the tunnel, hopeful I’ll emerge soon!