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Bereavement Support Posts => Introduce Yourself To Us All => Topic started by: Hubby on January 07, 2017, 11:59:54 PM

Title: New year. New thread.
Post by: Hubby on January 07, 2017, 11:59:54 PM
Well it's a week into the new year, nine months and two weeks since I lost my wife and what a rollercoaster journey I am on. I still can't believe the difference in emotions from one moment to the next. I can have days being down or even whole days being fairly normal but never know what I am going to get sometimes from one minute to the next.

Yesterday was a 'normal' day. Work was fine, I functioned pretty well and no tears except a small cry at bedtime.

Today I woke up feeling terrible and had a full on sob first thing. Then I had a great day out with my daughters and grandson. We had breakfast at a Wetherspoons, went to see the dreamworks lanterns display in St Georges Hall in Liverpool, did a bit if shopping then had Maccy D's for dinner. I was very tired afterwards so I slobbed out on the sofa.

I wonder what tomorrow will serve up?
Title: Re: New year. New thread.
Post by: Norma on January 08, 2017, 10:41:15 AM
Taking each day as it comes  Hubby is all we can do, a bit like the Forrest Gump film, 'Life is like a box of chocolates, don't know what you going to get till you open it '
Sorry if that sounds a bit glib  i dont mean it to, it just sprang to mind with your comment, '' never know what you're going to get sometimes from one minute to the next''
 In time the good days do outweigh the bad ones, but its over two years for me and i still get days where my emotions are all over the place, i hope tomorrow Serves you up a good day xx
 :hug:
Title: Re: New year. New thread.
Post by: Brian71 on January 08, 2017, 12:18:12 PM
I had one of those mornings myself today,  one of the most depressing I've had for a long time,  I got up quite early about 7.30, did a few jobs like changing bed sheets, and then did my meds in the weekly med pots while playing music in the background and when I had finished that I just started staring at her picture and of course your mind works overtime and that's enough to start me off....not normally this bad though..

I've been trying to move forwards,  but this morning was not good,  hopefully it's a temporary lapse,   I've got to try and pull myself together.

I sincerely hope your day is better.
Title: Re: New year. New thread.
Post by: Norma on January 08, 2017, 12:32:24 PM
But dont you think sometimes we try too hard to move forward, its a natural thing to want to do because we hate feeling the way we do, and crave to feel better, but unfortunately our hearts dictate to us how long we will tread the grief journey, i just think we have to think of a bad day as a glitch, we will recover, because nothing can be worse than the day we lost our loved ones xx

 :hug:
Title: Re: New year. New thread.
Post by: Brian71 on January 08, 2017, 02:33:55 PM
You are probably right Norma,   not allowing myself enough time,  but at the same time I know I need to socialise and build up a circle of new friendships and am doing exactly that.
One things for sure it's certainly better than eating out alone,  but I accept that occasionally there will be days like this to remind me that I'm not out of the woods just yet.

It's true what they say...grief is the price we pay for love,  the greater the love,  the greater the grief.
Title: Re: New year. New thread.
Post by: Karena on January 08, 2017, 06:33:03 PM
I think you're right Norma,we do try too hard even see a bad day as some sort of failure when in reality it is no such thing.For me this is acceptance,accepting that grief will come along and knock us back with no warning and at unexpeced times and places.Five years for me and still have knock backs crying bouts and longer periods of depression,and feeling helpless and alone,but I accept that as normal part of who I am now at this stage of my life.But it isn't all of me,where even 3 years ago it pretty much was.
Title: Re: New year. New thread.
Post by: mike59 on January 08, 2017, 07:53:32 PM
Hello Everyone , hope you are feeling better soon Brian, I have been there for most of this year I Lost my Gail 10 months ago, I am not looking forwards to the 28th of febuary because that is the 1 year Day for me, I will have to keep Busy or somthing I am sure my Children will help me through also I need to be there for them, I havent written on the forum for a while I have Deep Depression with other Health issues I hope everyone is feeling well or as well as can be .

                                                                                                                          Mike x    :hug:
Title: Re: New year. New thread.
Post by: Emz2014 on January 08, 2017, 09:38:50 PM
Norma and Karena make some very wise comments  :hearts: .  Another one of those sayings which can often sound/feel annoying is that time is a healer.  It helps to increase good days and coping days between the bad.  We always carry our loved ones with us. Time moves gradually and our coping may seem quite miniscule sometimes but after a while you can see the easier days. Baby steps forward. Keeping a journal helps, as we can see how we are coping better when we look back over our writings   :hug:

I woke from a dream early hours of this morn, i was crying in my dream as I had lost my dad, but then in the dream i walked to the spare bedroom and found flipflops (?) on the floor, dressing gown on the bed and a shirt on the side and I suddenly felt really happy knowing he was coming back.  Woke up after that feeling down.   These catch us now and again, but give it a little time and the easier times will return again

Sending a hug to everyone xx
Title: Re: New year. New thread.
Post by: Hubby on January 08, 2017, 10:29:47 PM
I have come to realise that this is not something we 'get over' or even 'learn to live with'. Rather it is something we live around. The easy days may become more frequent but the grief is always there waiting for a little reminder to let it back to the front of our minds. I've got better at pushing it back but the recent holiday has shown me that the sadness can be as raw as it has ever been.

I have never been good at remembering dreams. I know I do have them but hardly ever remember what they were about. This morning I dreamt about Margaret  I don't remember the details but I woke up sobbing and with the feeling that I should have held her in my arms and not just held her hand when she passed away. I was too upset to go to Margarets grave with my daughter.

I picked up a bit as the day went on but I also had some sad news. A friends mother has passed away. She was more like a mum to me than my own mum when I was young. She used to foster children and her house was always full of kids. I spent more time there than at home. At her husbands funeral one if the younger children told me that he used to think I was his brother. She was truly a special lady.

My grandson, daughter and fiancé came round for tea and that was a lot of fun. Ollie is developing quite a little personality and watching his antics really cheered me up. margaret would have been so pleased with him.

So it's been a bit of a mixed day but I coped pretty well.

I wish you all good days.
Title: Re: New year. New thread.
Post by: Hubby on January 09, 2017, 10:28:39 PM
Just a quick note tonight.

The day was good. A bit low when I woke but it went off quickly and I had a really good day in work. I made a chicken casserole for tea which turned out great and moved some stuff around as the gas board are coming tomorrow to replace my central heating.

Everything great until half nine tonight when I burst into tears for no apparent reason. It only lasted fifteen minutes or so but I feel drained.
Title: Re: New year. New thread.
Post by: Karena on January 10, 2017, 06:32:19 PM
 :hug: glad you had a good day,you seem to be becoming a domestic goddess.The later tears are understandable as is being drained its an exhausting process and we become weary of trying to get out from under the dark clouds .Its like they'd always just over your shoulder and sometimes they catch up.
Title: Re: New year. New thread.
Post by: Hubby on January 10, 2017, 11:33:25 PM
I don't know about domestic goddess. My house looks like it should be featured on hoarders

Another pretty good day today. Very busy in work and plodding along at home. I still think about Margaret all the time I'm not busy, driving is the worst, but Im not on the edge of tears all the time.

There will probably be a downturn but I'm ticking along pretty well at present and managing to keep the dark cloud from overtaking me.
Title: Re: New year. New thread.
Post by: Brian71 on January 10, 2017, 11:43:50 PM
Thats good to hear Hubby...keep it up,  last few days have been good for me too,  though I think we have to accept there will be the odd day that's not so good.    I've been keeping myself busy by writing an app for the latest Sky Now box so that's kept my mind occupied for a while.
Title: Re: New year. New thread.
Post by: Hubby on January 10, 2017, 11:54:56 PM
Pleased to hear you have also had a decent few days Brian.
Title: Re: New year. New thread.
Post by: Karena on January 11, 2017, 01:37:27 PM
my house also should be on hoarders and in trying to sort it, it gets worse,the contents of the kitchen drawers are currently in piles on the floor as are the contents of my bedroom -all because i moved a chest of drawers upstairs,but strangely the contents on the floor seem to be greater than the capcity they came from. On top of that after last nights hoolie,the garden has the same designer bonfire look.

Does anyone here have OCD i think me and hubby need help. :coffeetoast:
Title: Re: New year. New thread.
Post by: Hubby on January 12, 2017, 10:36:03 PM
Lol. In work they all say I have OCD. I'm forever straightening things out. Even my counsellor has picked up on it as I rearrange the tissue boxes in the room. In the house though I don't care. Everything stays where it's put unless I have to move it to use the space for something else..

I had a big cry last night so didn't come online and it was one of those that come from nowhere with no obvious trigger. I might have another tonight. I just don't know.

Yesterday and today were pretty much the same as Monday and Tuesday. Get up, go to work, come home, make tea, go to bed. I'm doing what I have to to get by but nothing more. My heart isn't really into anything. I'm coping.  :undecided:
Title: Re: New year. New thread.
Post by: Karena on January 13, 2017, 06:15:51 PM
 :hug: a lot of the time that's what I,m doing work home TV then bed,the last two activity's shut out the loneliness,but in between that there are better times it just takes a long time to build them into some kind of life.
Title: Re: New year. New thread.
Post by: Hubby on January 13, 2017, 10:28:32 PM
Thanks for the reply Karena.

It's Groundhog Day for me again. Work, tea, bed. Manageable but not good. I can't see anything changing anytime soon.

Today was payday when the lads from work go out for a few drinks and I would have liked to go but I have volunteered for a job tomorrow so I can't drink. Why I volunteered I don't know. I'm not desperate for money and it will tie up all of tomorrow and stop me doing stuff I need to do. I'll be working alone so it's not like i will be getting any company out of it.
Title: Re: New year. New thread.
Post by: Karena on January 14, 2017, 04:33:33 PM
 :hug: distraction maybe .Perhaps he/t time you could go for a drink with the lads,it doesn't have to be alcoholic just go for the company.
Title: Re: New year. New thread.
Post by: Hubby on January 14, 2017, 10:59:58 PM
Thanks Karena. i think I'm in danger of the old cliche "throwing myself into work" to distract myself.

I did my job this morning and had a few hours to spare before finishing it off so I went home and had a sleep. After finishing the job I got a burger and sat in my van overlooking the river.

I don't automatically burst into tears when I think about Margaret anymore so I seem to be thinking about her more. This causes sadness that I can't distract myself from. It's like I'm on the edge of tears all the time, upset but not enough to let it out. I am coping but it's a miserable existence.
Title: Re: New year. New thread.
Post by: Karena on January 15, 2017, 06:17:44 PM
 :hug: coping is a good start,look how far from the early days coping really is Something you could try in the coming week is listing five things that lift your spirits,maybe time with your grandson,sun shining when you walk the dog,something at work or even a smiley cashier on the checkout,doesn't have to be big or for more than a moment.Gradually increase it to five a day and you will find yourself looking for them and once you start looking then you start seeing that existence is varied not all miserable all the time.
Title: Re: New year. New thread.
Post by: Hubby on January 15, 2017, 10:33:59 PM
Ollie definitely lifts my spirits. He was around this afternoon and we had our first wrestle. He was laughing so loud as he bounced on me I thought my ears would burst.

Actually it's not been a miserable day.  I woke up pretty early and my daughter texted me asking if I wanted to go to the supermarket with them. I was looking forward to it but as I got ready I was called out to work. It was something easy to fix but it took me up till 1 to travel there and back. I got some flowers and went to the cemetery with my daughter then came home, played with Ollie and cooked tea. I had a bit of a relax after they had gone home. I did just have a bit if a cry as some pictures on the digital photo frame caught my eye but I expect that to happen sometimes.

Title: Re: New year. New thread.
Post by: Karena on January 16, 2017, 08:30:08 PM
We used to have a thread on the old forum for doing the five a day thing but your one for today is Ollie's laugh, and it really doesn't matter if its the same one every day.
Title: Re: New year. New thread.
Post by: Hubby on January 16, 2017, 09:48:14 PM
I honestly don't think I could go five a day. I'm struggling with one for today.

It's not been a bad day. A bit if a Groundhog Day again. Work, home, tea, telly, bed.

I had one of those awkward moments today. I was on a site meeting with some high level
Managers and one I hadn't seen for some time asked how I was getting on on days. I said it was a lot different to nights and he joked " I bet your wife had never seen so much of you?".

Why shouldn't he, he doesn't know and I've managed to considerably cut back on shoehorning my bereavement into every conversation. I saw my bosses face drop when he heard it but even though it hurt I just smiled and nodded. It's just easier that way.

I'm actually quite proud of that. No tears, no conversation stopping 'putting him right'. Just rolled with it. Manys the time that would have set me off.

I coped.  :yahoo:
Title: Re: New year. New thread.
Post by: Karena on January 17, 2017, 07:43:26 PM
 :hug:I had a conversation like that more than once.I am stymied though because on the one hand I want to keep wearing my wedding ring but naturally  having conversation with anyone who doesn't know leads to the question, about him.
Almost every time I have been to ZA someone has said how brave travelling there without my husband,which is easier than the direct question because I can just agree without offering further information.

Five a day is just a guideline five a week is a good starting point,you get 2 days off,you used one.Best get round and see Ollie. :hug:
Title: Re: New year. New thread.
Post by: Hubby on January 17, 2017, 08:32:01 PM
I never really wore my wedding ring. Rings are a bit dangerous working with electricity and machinery. I don't even know where it is but I have had an M tattooed on my wedding ring finger as, as far as I am concerned, I am still a married man. 

Today was a bit 'more of the same"Ish. I feel like I'm getting into a bit of a rut. I just don't  seem to have the energy, inclination or time to do anything outside of work at the moment. It had been a long day though so I'm going to have an early night.

I did have a spirit lifting moment today when I saw a toddler running around the toy aisle in ASDA hugging all the other toddlers. It just looked so sweet I couldn't help but smile.
Title: Re: New year. New thread.
Post by: Emz2014 on January 17, 2017, 09:27:41 PM
There's your second positive there, watching and smiling at that toddler :-)   

It is actually scientifically proven that focussing on, and documenting, positives start to focus the brain on noticing more positives - tuning in to them in a way.  Even the smallest positive, such as making/having an amazing cup of coffee or just succeeding in getting out of bed and achieving a small chore some days, make a big difference when we notice and allow ourselves to recognise we've achieved/experienced a positive. There's a great TED talk which also covers part of this, I can send you details, if anyone would like to watch it (I'm finding some great talks on TED which can help inspire, motivate or make you feel a bit more hopeful)

Whilst this doesnt take away our loss, it helps to lift our spirits, even if just a little, which helps us to have the energy to cope and tackle things  :hearts:

I've been battling a lethargic, unmotivated and down feeling which keeps trying to descend/stay and do believe winter has some influence in this, I'm certainly not getting as much exercise, fresh air/sunlight as I think I need. Im trying to be kind to myself and eat well, rest when I need - knowing it won't be too long until Spring. Sending a hug hubby   :hug:xx
Title: Re: New year. New thread.
Post by: Hubby on January 18, 2017, 10:36:26 PM
Thanks emz.

I'm finding it hard to find positives. Lately the days have all been pretty similar. I don't feel happy, I don't feel  sad, I don't feel anything really. I'm just plodding along with no real purpose.

I did pop in to see Ollie after work tonight and he's taken to launching himself toward things in his efforts to learn how to walk. Watching him certainly lifted my mood.
Title: Re: New year. New thread.
Post by: Hubby on January 19, 2017, 10:04:21 PM
More of the same today. No positives at all.

I did have a major cry on the drive home and had to pull over. The trigger was "Your song" playing on the radio.

Curse you Elton John.  :angry:
Title: Re: New year. New thread.
Post by: Karena on January 20, 2017, 11:32:53 PM
I once got up to sing circle of life in front of an audience,despite knowing the song inside out and rehearsing the words took on a whole new meaning I broke down after a couple of verses.Luckily a friends daughter who was only 9 realised I was struggling and came up to join me.Then her mum and others in the group I was with also stepped up and we finished it together.It was a very poignant moment they had been friends of both of us from camping events so there was More than one tearful person up there.Heaven knows what other people in the venue thought was going on. :rofl: but yes I also cursed poor Elton.
Title: Re: New year. New thread.
Post by: Hubby on January 21, 2017, 12:02:10 AM
I wouldn't mind so much but I don't even like Elton John. It was just something in the words that struck a nerve.

I've had a stinker of a day today. I took the day off work and had a little lie in then went to the market with Billy. Came home and did sausage butties for dinner. All OK so far.

Then it was off to my friends mothers funeral. Not having a car I had to choose between attending the church service or the crematorium. I opted for the latter and went with my daughter. I got a bit more upset in the service than I expected but I held it together. Afterwards my daughter and I walked to Margarets grave then walked home. On the way home my daughter was dawdling and huffing and puffing and eventually I had enough and had an almighty row with her.

We got home and had a cup of tea and I then got a taxi to the after funeral do. I didn't expect what happened next. I went in and bought a drink and spoke to a couple of people. I had drunk a few sips and decided to go outside for a nicotine break. Once I stepped outside I broke down completely. Everything was just so wrong. I had only ever been to things like that with Margaret by my side. I hadn't realised it was another 'first' until then.

So, after less than five minutes in there, I couldn't face going back in. I varied on walking, tears streaming down my face. I walked all the way home which took over an hour and I was still crying

When I got home I made tea and then fell asleep on the sofa.

Still feeling pretty down.
Title: Re: New year. New thread.
Post by: Emz2014 on January 21, 2017, 09:03:10 AM
You've reached another tough part on the rollercoaster.  You have come so far, achieving so many things and the rollercoaster has reminded you you're still carrying a fragile part within you.  Take this time to be gentle with yourself, increase the TLC and try to incorporate some of the easier/simpler things - such as seeing your grandson.

Sometimes on this journey just 'existing' day to day is ok for a while, you've made it to that 'step', for a little while maintain at that level (kind of a rest) then when you're ready you take the next little step forward. In a way, to me, it feels like conserving/building our energy for the next step forward.  (Maybe its that flat,easy bit on the rollercoaster where we catch our breath before we start the journey upwards again) xx
Title: Re: New year. New thread.
Post by: Karena on January 21, 2017, 08:51:54 PM
 :hug: sorry you had such an awful day,I remember my first funeral hitting hard,not in the service itself I had expected that it would be difficult, but afterwards.then a bit of guilt too because it was someone's funeral but there I was crying for someone else.
Title: Re: New year. New thread.
Post by: Hubby on January 21, 2017, 11:31:28 PM
It was pretty unexpected and there was a bit of guilt about walking away but staying wasn't really on the cards.

I was upset at bedtime last night, which is when I am normally at my lowest, and I woke up sobbing at 6:20 this morning. Took me a hour to get back to sleep.

I got up at 11 and had breakfast then went to the bank to close some accounts and move some money around as there is no point in having ISAs and other accounts while interest rates are so low. I suppose I was thinking it will be easier for my daughters to sort things out when I pop off  if everything isn't spread all over he place.

I did a tiny bit of housework and gardening this afternoon but my head has been banging and I've felt very tired. Setbacks seem to do that to me for a few days.

Fairly melancholy now.
Title: Re: New year. New thread.
Post by: Angleseywidow on January 21, 2017, 11:42:55 PM
Sorry to hear you are having such a bad time 'Hubby'. Some days really are c**p aren't they? I had a bad one yesterday but have my 4 year Great Granddaughter with me tonight - she tires me out. Hope you have a better day tomorrow.
Title: Re: New year. New thread.
Post by: Karena on January 22, 2017, 06:41:52 PM
 :hug: I,m looking at the workplace pension thing,no choice but to join but you can opt out which I was going to do,its hardly going to be worth a fortune at my age,but you can top up,and you can nominate someone to get it as a tax fee sum or it goes into your estate if you don't live to claim it or all of it.Havnt got the pack yet so no idea if its likely to be worth it. Hate having to do paperwork,I get so stressed about it.
Hope today was better for you.
Anglesaywidow too,Little ones certainly help time pass.I had one overnight last night, but his older brother turned up this morning just after he had gone , as his rugby was cancelled ,and he couldnt get home.He is no trouble though,just plays with his phone,but not so grownup he doesn't appreciate a special hot chocolate or a cheese toasty.Its nice just to have company.He did laugh at me though when he walked in as I wasn't expecting him he caught me giving it big licks singing along with Sowetto gospel choir.(well it is Sunday ).
Title: Re: New year. New thread.
Post by: Hubby on January 22, 2017, 09:46:29 PM
Some days are just bad days but I wish I knew what I was going to get in advance so I could plan around it. As for pensions and the likes I really don't have a clue. I'm not really savvy about financial matters.

Today's been a mixed day. Had a big cry at 7am, went back to sleep, got up at 9, my daughter went out with her friends so I was alone in the house. Believe it or not I had another cry. I did a bit if shopping then went to the cemetery with my youngest daughter.

Later in the afternoon she brought Ollie in and he day brightened up no end. Kids do have a way of lifting the spirits. I did peri peri chicken for tea as a change from curry. When Ollie left I was worn out as I always am after a visit from him so had a chill out.

Early night for me now as I have a very early start tomorrow.

Hope you all had a decent day

Title: Re: New year. New thread.
Post by: Hubby on January 24, 2017, 09:26:29 PM
Never got online last night.

Yesterday and today were mainly fine but I got really sad driving to and back from work. Driving is so automatic it's easy for the grief to get a foothold and before I know it it's taking over again. I've also changed radio stations in my van from radio 4 to a local channel and I think some of the music sets me off.

I'm doing pretty long days in work and I am very tired. I was in bed yesterday at eight and went out like a light.

Tonight I was tired and came up to bed early but I had a bit of a sob when I came up. For some reason some of Margarets last words before she was taken to hospital were going round and round in my head. I thought I had put that sort of thing behind me but it looks like the thoughts are still in there. So a few upsets but mainly ok

Title: Re: New year. New thread.
Post by: Emz2014 on January 25, 2017, 07:41:41 AM
When you're driving hubby, can you be more aware of the process so it's less automatic. So focusing attention on what the driving feels like, feel of the steering wheel, feel of the road surface,  sounds you can hear alongside the radio, noting people's number plates or shapes of cars? (choose something for each journey, something that focuses attention but also ensures you're concerning on driving :-))    that might help to stop some of the grief ambushes whilst driving  :hug: xx
Title: Re: New year. New thread.
Post by: colin on January 25, 2017, 03:47:35 PM
Hi Everyone,
        Not been on the Forum for some time,things for me have  not got a great deal better,its just over 9 months since I lost my Darling Pat,I keep a Diary of my daily activities and how I love and miss my sweetheart.As for going out the only place I visit is the local Supermarket about 3miles away,just cannot seem to get the strength and will to go to far from home.We often went into the Peak District doing rambles of 8/9 miles distance,enjoying our time together and the walks we did some in the Lake District and Snowdownia,including Mt Snowdon in 2011.How do you revisit these places on your own it is so heartbreaking I just cannot see me walking the hills again,so miss my baby.
                                                                                          Best Wishes to all,
                                                                                                Colin. :hearts: :hearts:
Title: Re: New year. New thread.
Post by: Norma on January 25, 2017, 08:07:58 PM
Hi Colin, small steps is all you can do, is there a walking group near you that you could join, and go walking with them, you wouldnt be alone and it might give you something to focus on that you enjoyed. Xx

 :hug:
Title: Re: New year. New thread.
Post by: Hubby on January 26, 2017, 10:41:21 PM
I do really need to concentrate more in my driving instead of going everywhere on autopilot. The journeys are just so monotonous. I've done them so many times I know every pothole and dip in the roads.

I'm sorry to hear things have not changed much for you Colin but 9 months really is no time at all to adapt to the loss if someone you have spent the majority of your life with. I think it would help if you could get out more though if only to give you a few hours of distraction.

I didn't get online again last night but yesterday and today were pretty much the same as monday. I am really tired though, all the time. I don't think it can be put down to grief or the long hours I am putting in so I think I might be coming down with a bug or something. Either that or I'm not sleeping properly. I have been waking a few times in the night. I can't wait till the weekend for a welcome lie in.
Title: Re: New year. New thread.
Post by: Karena on January 27, 2017, 07:44:10 PM
Grief is a tiring thing so have the lie in and treat yourself kindly.re the driving I know what you mean I used to do that then realise I had no idea where the car in front of me had gone .is there any way you can change the route sometimes,I sometimes do this .I might see a sign to a village think one day I will see what its like then one day just do it.sometimes I have had to come back the same way because the road was a dead end others I,he come vpback to the usual road but clocked up in my brain a potential way round a traffic jam but I at least had to concentrate.I don't have satnag so it can be handy to have some idea about where side roads go.
Title: Re: New year. New thread.
Post by: Hubby on January 29, 2017, 10:15:07 PM
Thanks Karena. I might try a new route. The motorway is just so monotonous.

I've not been online much over the past few days. I have been really tired and I've had the worst headache I have ever had in my life. Then again I don't have headaches very often.

I've spent a lot of the weekend in bed trying to sleep. Only getting up to cook tea and to spend time with Ollie today. I keep having little cries but they don't last too long. Sometimes there is a trigger for them like if I see a picture or something but other times it just happens. On Friday I had one in the middle of a shop as I walked past the Valentine's Day display. Another first.

All in all another few days wasted.
Title: Re: New year. New thread.
Post by: Karena on January 30, 2017, 06:44:07 PM
They're not wasted,if you need to rest you need to rest.trying to fight on is sometimes the worst thing for our bodies and results in wasting far many more days when we can no longer go on. I used to do that every year,carry on as normal never take time off and without fail I would be Ill in the holidays for the whole holiday.Now that was a waste of time.
I hope your headache has improved,if not or if it starts happening a lot please go see your GP could be migraine which needs different tablets to the everyday pain killers.
Title: Re: New year. New thread.
Post by: Hubby on January 30, 2017, 10:23:01 PM
Thanks Karena. The headache has eased off a bit today.

I coped pretty well with work and everything and didn't feel upset until about eight when I went for a bath when I had a bit of a sob. I think the bathroom is a bit if a trigger as that is where Margaret collapsed. Her toothbrush is still in the holder and hervpotions and lotions on the shelf. I can't bring myself to move them yet but I might try changing the flooring and getting some units later in the year to try and make it look a bit different.

Not a bad day
Title: Re: New year. New thread.
Post by: Karena on January 31, 2017, 07:31:10 PM
That must be really difficult.my stepdad collapsed and died in the kitchen and revamping it did help her live here afterwards but just take your time only you will know when it is right for you.I,m currently redoing that same kitchen it badly needs modernising but by retaining some of the character and fitting it in I,m hoping it will become  something she also would have loved.even in its modern form.
Title: Re: New year. New thread.
Post by: Hubby on January 31, 2017, 10:42:50 PM
Thanks Karena. Part of me wants to change everything to get rid of the triggers bun another part wants to keep everything as it is. If I do change it and that's the wrong decision there's no going back so I'm going to leave it for now.

Work was more of the same today (apart from bashing one of my fingers which is all bruised and throbbing now).

My big sob came after I got home when I saw an advert for valentines cards on telly. I was OK for a short time afterwards then I spotted some artificial roses on the windowsill. Margaret had been dropping hints hat she wanted some for her case so I ordered some really nice ones off the Internet for Valentine's Day last year. They are very realistic and Margaret was absolutely delighted with them. I remember joking with her saying "I won't have to buy roses ever again. They will last you till you die". I didn't know at the time that fresh roses probably would have as well.

That's me off again  :cray:
Title: Re: New year. New thread.
Post by: Hubby on February 02, 2017, 09:53:58 PM
Two not bad days grief wise. A bit of upset yesterday during counselling bit, other than that, I've muddled through the days without too much trouble.

I have had my biggest cooking disaster yet though. Due to a complete mess up defrosting the chicken for Tuesdays dinner I've managed to give me and my daughter food poisoning. A valuable lesson learned there.
Title: Re: New year. New thread.
Post by: Karena on February 05, 2017, 06:18:12 PM
Oh my goodness I hope you have both recovered.one of the advantages of not eating meat is less chance of me doing that otherwise I would probably have done.cooking for one has lead to me eating leftovers a lot,but its only really rice that could be dodgy and its not something I eat often.
 :hug: regarding the roses and valentines day.It isn't something that has been so poignant for me although I do have a cheeky card he made and a rose quartz heart shaped candle holder he got me before we were married.Neither of us made a big thing of it really,not that he wasn't romantic ,he was,but having been told by a daughter he should get me something he bought a sack of coal lit the fire and cooked lunch.Fortunately for me a sack of coal wasn't something I was going to keep and now not be able to part with.
Title: Re: New year. New thread.
Post by: Hubby on February 05, 2017, 08:59:11 PM
Thanks Karena. Were over the food poisoning but it was pretty bad for a couple of days. I shan't be making that mistake again.

Friday was a bit same old, samr old. Work home bit if a cry, bed. That's become a bit of a standard for a working day.

The weekend was the BUK meet at Birmingham. I had a bit of a flutter on Saturday morning as I started thinking I would much rather have been sat doing nothing with Margaret over the weekend. I am glad I went though as I had a lovely time with a wonderful bunch of people.

I've had quite a bit of a cry tonight. I think it's a combination of the come down from being pretty drunk on Saturday night and my youngest telling me that she and her fiancée are going to be looking into buying their own home. Even though I only see them once a week now I will feel much more alone if they move from next door but I can't expect them to put their lives on hold for me.

Early night I think.
Title: Re: New year. New thread.
Post by: Emz2014 on February 05, 2017, 10:21:17 PM
Glad you're feeling better after your food poisoning, not a fun experience  :hearts:

And glad you enjoyed the meet, they really are a tonic.  Can be a weird come down afterwards, like you describe, kind of a happy sad.  I used to get that when my dad and sister would come over for the weekend - when it was over would always be sad but have the happy moments that had just happened.  I found by allowing the sadness, doing something nice/TLC and concentrating on the good elements helped me xx
Title: Re: New year. New thread.
Post by: Hubby on February 06, 2017, 05:34:45 PM
Thanks emz.

I've had the day from hell today. I was upset when I woke but thought work would turn it around. It didn't. I just couldn't get motivated and couldn't distract myself. It all led up to me sitting in my van after lunch in floods of tears. Someone saw me and next thing one of the bosses had me in a quiet office going through the talk on the counselling service work provides.

It wasn't all grief that had me crying. I just allowed lots of different things to overwhelm me instead of looking at them singly though it was easier to deal with 'stuff' when Margaret was here to support me.

In other news the gas men have started on my central heatin and now I have no heating apart from a tiny fan heater they left me. I don't think it's going to cope with a night like last night. It was -3 this morning.  :undecided:
Title: Re: New year. New thread.
Post by: Karena on February 06, 2017, 08:50:01 PM
 :hug: I recognise the post meet thing not just our meets but after camping meets.I think its like post holiday blues that lots of people have,but where they have been away and returned together or come home and shared what happened,we are faced with the grim reality that the person we would have shared with isn't here,and somehow no one else knows us well enough to understand what we are talking about.
I know we want our children to move forward in life and take the opportunity's they can,yet it also hurts when they do.crazy isn't it.
Title: Re: New year. New thread.
Post by: Hubby on February 07, 2017, 10:23:47 PM
Thanks Karen's. I didn't have a post meet come down after Leeds but I've got other stuff going on so I think it's just a combination of things getting me down.

I was really upset this morning and had a fair few difficult moments in work, though not as bad as yesterday. The central heating job is starting to annoy me now. I stil have no heating, the house is a tip and there's dust everywhere. The quality of the work isn't what I expect either particularly as I reckon British Gas are charging me quite a bit more than I could have had the job done for. Margaret would have sorted them out but I just want the job done now and them out of the way.



Title: Re: New year. New thread.
Post by: Karena on February 08, 2017, 07:43:10 PM
It seems to have been going on for ages now,sounds like you're a bit like me with these things don't complain don't have a go and people think its OK to take the Micky.I hope it gets fixed soon,worse time of year for it.
Title: Re: New year. New thread.
Post by: Hubby on February 08, 2017, 10:37:47 PM
Thanks Karena. I have central heating now. There were a few leaks when they first filled the system but everything seems to be working as it should. I'm glad they are gone. Now I can try to get the house back to its usual state if untidiness.

I was off work today but went in first thing to disconnect a fire alarm for some contractors. I was quite upset on the drive there and that must have distracted me from the job because I got a call when I got home saying the alarm had gone off. When I checked I had disconnected the wrong area.  :embarrassed:

Goes to show that while work can distract me from grief it also works the other way round.
Title: Re: New year. New thread.
Post by: Karena on February 09, 2017, 08:19:39 PM
 :hug: it can..until a couple of years ago i my job was split between graphics and dispatch.I had been doing dispatch for 9 years so on autopilot never made mistakes like I did  after,sent invoices to wrong person,and sent an order out with CD,s that hadn't been written.I did go back too soon,and didn't get into trouble over it,but potentially could have been a buggy with the invoices if they had been big company's who were competitors,Fortunately they were university's teaching the same course.same software,same prices.
Title: Re: New year. New thread.
Post by: Hubby on February 10, 2017, 12:11:06 AM
Doesn't it make you want to kick yourself when you make basic mistakes like that?

Today's not been too bad. Not my best day by far but mainly bearable and definitely my best day this week. I still can't get motivated though. The house is an absolute tip but I just didn't feel like doing anything when I got home from work.

I joined Facebook at the weekend but I'm not really sure how it works yet. There's one bit where you can see what other people have posted. One if my daughters posted a picture of herself with my wife, me and my other daughter at Margarets 50th birthday party. That was a bit of a shock when I dyddenly saw it on my phone. One of those happy memories that prompts a few tears.  :cray:
Title: Re: New year. New thread.
Post by: Karena on February 10, 2017, 07:44:03 PM
That's happened to me a few times,peoples from camping club mostly putting pics up from old meets that he is on.the worst time wasnt fb though but a TV series about the village I live in now.Also where I work so he used to come over at lunchtime and we would go for a coffee.He wasn't in the programme but walking across the road it was in the opening credits.First time it was a shock but then bizarley I went and tortured myself by watching it every week looking for him.Glad in a way I don't have recording TV or I might be tempted to do it all again. :sad:
Title: Re: New year. New thread.
Post by: Hubby on February 10, 2017, 10:14:32 PM
I was like that when I found a funny dance DVD we made on a machine in Blackpool. I watched it over and over just to see the expressions on her face even though it was tearing me up.

Work today was fine. I did a shop on the way home and was doing a pretty good job of not getting upset by all the Valentine's Day displays and offers when my eyes fell on two egg custards for 70p and that was me gone. Margaret used to get them for a little treat after tea. I haven't had one since I lost her and haven't even thought about them but today just the sight of them brought home just what I have lost. All those little thoughtful things that made life a pleasure.
Title: Re: New year. New thread.
Post by: Karena on February 11, 2017, 08:59:43 PM
That's the awfulness of it so often its the big things we dread anniversary's valentines etc but while we,re busy avoiding them its the little things that trip us up. :hug:
Title: Re: New year. New thread.
Post by: janinedean on February 12, 2017, 03:30:51 PM
hi this is my first post . i lost my 20 year old son 9 days ago . he just died . we are unsure if they will ever find a cause. i dont know how im going to go on. i cant bear the thought of having this immense pain for the rest of my life . what do i do .i feel so desperate
Title: Re: New year. New thread.
Post by: Norma on February 12, 2017, 05:49:10 PM
Sending you a welcone.   :hug: Janinedean

So sorry for your loss xx
Title: Re: New year. New thread.
Post by: Hubby on February 12, 2017, 10:19:31 PM
Welcome to the forum Janine. I am so sorry to hear if your loss.

I cannot begin to imagine the situation you find yourself in. Losing a child is every parents nightmare and to face the thought of not even having a cause can only make it harder to bear. I don't think hevpain will ever leave you but as time goes by you will find it gets easier to cope with.

Wishing you strength

 :hug:
Title: Re: New year. New thread.
Post by: Melbash on February 14, 2017, 11:27:25 PM
Hi all

Janindean so sorry for your loss cannot imagine what your going through..,

I lost my husband five weeks ago. He died tragically in a car accident. We were together for 10 years... he left me and my 4month baby. I guess it hit me hardest today as I actually started looking through his things and put some away to the loft. I cannot see a way forward for me. I am trying to be strong for my baby who is a complete miracle as we had many ivf attempts and she was conceived naturally...
all these days i was so strong today i cannot seem to be positive or happy..  :love:
Title: Re: New year. New thread.
Post by: Hubby on February 18, 2017, 10:43:32 PM
I'm sorry to hear if your loss melbash. It must be so hard to lose your partner so suddenly with such a young child.

Wishing you strength

 :hug: