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Bereavement Support Posts => Please Post In This Bereavement Support Posting Room => Topic started by: Hubby on September 19, 2016, 10:51:49 PM

Title: Six months
Post by: Hubby on September 19, 2016, 10:51:49 PM
Well, that's a milestone reached. Six months since I watched my Margaret die.

Have I seen improvements in that time? I would be lying if I said I hadn't improved but sometimes it's difficult to see. The good days go by so fast and the bad days seem to go on forever. One 30 minute sob can seem write off an entire day even if the rest if it was fine.

Today I sat in my van and relived Margarets last hour in real time and in painful detail. I knew today would be bad but I hadn't expected that. It took me three hours to recover enough to drive home. Even though the day had been good up until that point and I even had a good few hours this evening this was a very hard day.

And to think, at the start of the year I thought grief lasted a fortnight.
Title: Re: Six months
Post by: Norma on September 19, 2016, 11:11:38 PM
I remember my 6 month milestone, i struggled to believe i had managed to get that far, think it was at that point i started to think about how was i  going to cope with my 1st anniversary, looking back now i can see how i put myself through so much  pressure, dreading it and imagining how bad it was going to be, i had the date firmly fixed in my mind, so i wasn't expecting the actual day to hit me like it did, whereas the following day being the date was sort of flat waiting al day for something to happen, but it never did. Xx

 :hug:
Title: Re: Six months
Post by: Hubby on September 20, 2016, 08:22:53 PM
Thanks Norma. I suppose there are plenty of milestones to come.

Today has been quite a normal day. I was quite surprised after yesterday as I fully expected it to take a few days to get back on track.

I woke up a bit late for work as I didn't get to sleep till late but managed to make a few phone calls to get everything running. After that everything went really smoothly. It was a long day as a few last minute jobs came in this afternoon so I didn't make tea (beef mushroom) till seven. I'm just watching Holby now then it's off to bed because I'm on a training course tomorrow and Thursday.

more days like this wouldn't go amiss.
Title: Re: Six months
Post by: longedge on September 20, 2016, 09:46:50 PM
The whole family have always made fun of me as a grumpy old git who wouldn't celebrate anything. I've always been adamant that it's "Just another day" but the 23rd Oct won't be "Just another day". It'll mark the point at which I go into my second year. There have been times during this year when I thought I couldn't go on but I managed somehow. It makes me wonder sometimes - how on earth do we keep going, just keep putting one foot in front of the other I suppose   :smiley:
Title: Re: Six months
Post by: Spaicer on September 20, 2016, 11:31:32 PM
I'm struggling so much more the past couple of weeks which took me by surprise, it's 8 months on for me & I have found myself crying more than ever, being upset by the slightest thing. I hardly did any crying after the first couple of weeks & funeral were over, so don't know why I'm like this now.

I've just started a new job & am moving house in 4 weeks so don't suppose that helps having to pack up & moving without Terry - first time in 30 years. Terry was a plumber all his working life & I came across all his tools whilst sorting out the garage, have given them to the local college, they seemed grateful, I hope they can make use of them, he would've liked that.

Getting back to the point, the thought crossed my mind that the anniversary will be creeping up soon. I really don't want the 12th January to be "marked" in any way in our family, our life together was so much more than the day his body just couldn't carry on anymore. I hope I can achieve that for the children's sake.
Title: Re: Six months
Post by: Joann on September 22, 2016, 06:44:35 PM
My first anniversary is on the first of October, not sure how it will be. The 27th of September was the last time my Mum spoke to me and this day I am dreading. I have booked the day off work and not sure what I will do until then.
Title: Re: Six months
Post by: Hubby on September 22, 2016, 10:14:06 PM
Thanks all for the replies. I never realised that these 'anniversaries' would bring the bad  memories back quite so vividly. The day of Margarets death was something I had blocked out completely and hadn't even gone through with my counsellor but on Monday it was like I was there.

Yesterday was a bit of a normal day like Tuesday.  No crying all day but I was a bit more upset st bedtime than 'normal' I didn't get online because I had an exam today and had to do some serious revising.

Today I finished the course and took the exam and, again, it was a 'normal' day up to a point. The course was in a town where I used to work for many years and one of the people on the course used to work with me there so it was s bit like old times. When the course was over I drove home on the route I must have driven hundreds of times when I worked there. As I reached a certain point on the journey I remembered that I would be passing a big shoe store. A thought entered my head ...

"I'll just pop into Wyndsors and get Margaret a pair of ..."

... That was as far as the thought got before I realised. I called myself a fool and promptly burst into floods of tears. I kept bursting into tears all through the journey.

I stopped off at a retail park and bought a small rose plant then went to Margarets grave where I promptly descended into being as low as I have ever been. I pleaded with her to come back and help me. I realised that wasn't going to happen. I entertained the thought of me going to her. I even checked out the branches on a holly tree overlooking the grave to see if they would take my weight.

The thoughts passed. I went home. I carried on.

I got through another day. Not the easiest of days.
Title: Re: Six months
Post by: angela33 on September 23, 2016, 12:42:55 PM
Oh Hubby, my heart goes out to you.  Keep going x
Title: Re: Six months
Post by: Julie Magson on September 23, 2016, 12:57:34 PM
Bless you Hubby. Sounds like a nightmare of a day, I'm sure there are loads of us who just want to go and be with our loves.
Title: Re: Six months
Post by: Hubby on September 23, 2016, 10:47:23 PM
Thanks for the replies. Yesterday was definitely a horrendous day.

Today on the other hand has been busy. A contractor kept me waiting for over eight hours to do a job but as I was at the depot awaiting a call I busied myself with lots of little jobs. I even washed my van using little bottles of water. Instead of finishing at half two as I should or even doing an hour or two of overtime I didn't get in till gone eight.

I've only had one little cry just when I got in. My daughter has gone to stay with her boyfriend for the weekend and the house was very quiet and empty. It didn't last long though.

I was going to busy myself painting again over the weekend but I'm thinking of going to see a friend play a gig at a pub tomorrow afternoon. I have to start getting out of the house more.

Hope you all have a decent weekend.
Title: Re: Six months
Post by: Karena on September 24, 2016, 08:50:35 PM
 :hug: do whatever you're most comfortable with,painting will wait if you want to go out.
Title: Re: Six months
Post by: Hubby on September 24, 2016, 10:18:43 PM
Thanks Karena.

I went out and had quite an enjoyable afternoon. The gig was actually in an antique and craft fair and I enjoyed looking at the stuff on the stalls a lot of which I remembered from when I was younger. We went to a pub afterwards and had a few shandies.

I came home about six and I got really upset walking home from the station. It's difficult to go back to a house I know is going to be empty. I've had a few sobs since then as well. I don't know why but this last week has been full of real lows. Not full days of it but a good few hours every day. I know I've had better days before this. Maybe it was the six month anniversary that set it off or the thought of having to go through her time in A&E with the local trust on Friday. Then again itcould be that I am missing Margaret more as time goes on.

We shall see.
Title: Re: Six months
Post by: Karena on September 25, 2016, 07:55:05 PM
 :hug: possibly a combination of all those things hubby.I still don't like going home to an empty house I don't think I ever will and since losing the dog as well its got worse.weather permitting I,m starigt in make a cup of tea and straight out to the garden,but it won't be long before the dark nights put an end to that.Friday nights I try and think of a treat for myself to make it better,buy myself some flowers,chocolates,have a luxury bath,or just something nice for tea.It will never compensate but it takes the edge off a bit.
Title: Re: Six months
Post by: Hubby on September 26, 2016, 01:17:37 AM
Thanks again for the reply.

I try and get out in the garden when I can not that it's anything to look at. I went out today and mowed the lawn and did s bit of pottering. The weather was too changeable to bother starting oainting or repair work.

Keeping busy didn't help today. I had to stop mowing halfway through for a big cry before finishing it off. My youngest asked if I wanted to go to s retail park with her fiancée and my grandson and as I waited on the front I had another sob. She could see I was upset when she turned up and put her arm around me and asked if I was OK.

The shopping trip was great. I carried my grandson around the toy shops and his face was a delight looking at all the toys. I bought him a jigsaw type puzzle (I had to as he ate the box) and an electronic talking phone he took a shine too. Then we went home and I cooked a chilli for our tea.

After they went I just sat back and watched telly but I've had quite a few cries and another session of pleading with Margaret to come back to me. It's like I've gone back months and the feelings of loneliness and wanting her back are as strong as ever. I'm coping but not very well.

I'm off work this week. I wish I wasn't because it keeps me occupied but I have weeks of leave I have to take before the end of the year. I've a few things that have to be done but the rest of the time I'll just be moping around feeling sorry for myself.
Title: Re: Six months
Post by: Julie Magson on September 26, 2016, 02:19:57 PM
It's lovely to spoil the grandchildren isn't it? Especially when they 'eat the box'!
I think this is all a new phase about this time because I'm struggling too- I did feel a bit more positive a few weeks ago but I feel like I've taken a step backwards and it's nearly 5 months for me too. I know others from other forums who are the same at this stage.
Title: Re: Six months
Post by: Hubby on September 26, 2016, 04:23:07 PM
Thanks Julie.

It does seem to be new. I don't know if it's just part of grieving, coming to terms with things, reality sinking in or just the weather but I know I don't like it.

Last night was pretty bad and I phoned the Samaritans for the first time in weeks. I was on the phone over an hour. It did settle my head but I've spent today alternating between dealing with the council and breaking down crying. At one point I was doing both at the same time (it's quite funny observing the lost look on council employees faces when a 55 year old man suddenly bursts into tears in front of them). I managed to sort out the council thing eventually after a lot of messing around.

I phoned a tattoo parlour about having Margarets name and a angel tattood on my wedding ring finger but they tild me that it would become blurred pretty quickly so I'm going to have to rethink that one.

Hope you've all had s better day so far.
Title: Re: Six months
Post by: Julie Magson on September 26, 2016, 04:38:37 PM
I love the tattoo idea. I have 3 one of which is a tree of life, the roots signify all my ancestors, the trunk the main body of the family, and there are branches which signify certain people and little swirls for our new additions. The whole thing has lotus blossoms blowing through it. Try ringing other tattoo parlours Hubby and see what they think, or choose another area of your body- a tattoo feels wonderful to have them near us forever.
Title: Re: Six months
Post by: Karena on September 26, 2016, 07:35:38 PM
I think partly its the realisation that this is forever,in the early days even though we know that ,it doesn't quite sink in or we con ourselves into thinking something else happened. I distinctly remember when I was moving house,hanging his dressing gown up and telling myself a little story of him working abroad with no set date to return.Also mix that with an impatience with ourselves,because others start assuming were OK now,we almost think because they expect it we should be OK,the reality is it isn't and we arnt,To me acceptance is not about accepting they'd gone but accepting that grief can come back and punch you in the face over and over again.
Hubby I was not really into gardening except in a general sense of keeping it tidy until I lost my mum.One of her only pleasures towards the end of her life was watching birds from the window,so I put bird feeders where she could see them.After she died I created a memorial area,with the feeders,bird bath and her favourite plants.Then Keith built me a shelter so I could sit surrounded by what she loved,then we built a pond and it grew into a passion for both of us.When I lost him too,I was forced to move and this garden hadn't been touched for years so it was a major job,but I was determined I would build what we had shared and loved as a tribute too them both.It has become like a sanctuary over the years.The physical work an initial outlet for grief maybe even anger, digging a huge pond with a mattock is a great outlet and very tiring, but the place itself has become somewhere I feel closer to them than anywhere else,and because its wildlife orientated I,m never actually alone there.Its just a thought but maybe somewhere to spend those leave weeks and do something along those lines with yours.Even just planning can be an occupation and a distraction from the empty house.
Title: Re: Six months
Post by: angela33 on September 26, 2016, 11:16:15 PM
Dear Karena, I so recognised what you were describing in the first paragraph of your reply it felt so similar to my experience and because of that, it brought me a deep comfort - both your points about the realisation (and struggle with acceptance) of the situation being forever and the temptation to play to others' expectations of how you 'should' be at any given stage have been recent struggles and conflicts for me. I feel companionship and support from what you wrote so thank you.

PS I also enjoyed your description of how your outdoor life developed and the way that being in nature helps you. All strength to you as you keep moving into your future
Title: Re: Six months
Post by: Hubby on September 26, 2016, 11:18:25 PM
Thanks for the replies.

I had really set my heart on the finger tattoo but looking on the internet they do blur and wear off fairly quickly. It wouldn't really be a permanent statement. I may go for one on my wrist of forearm.

I don't know if it is the realisation that it is forever. I don't think I have even reached that point yet. When I am at my lowest I find myself thinking that it is alla nightmare and that Margaret will wake me from it. I even shout out for her to wake me. I suppose that deep down I know it's not going to happen but that doesn't stop me clinging to the hope.

I had another sobfest this afternoon. My youngest came in with my grandson to cheer me up and it did the trick. My eldest has now returned home so I am no longer in an empty house.

If it's nice tomorrow I am going to try and burn some of the rubbish in the garden and plant a few shrubs. If not I'm going to visit a friend who had a stroke last year and had to move away from the area to be near his family. Either way I have a plan and that's a start.
Title: Re: Six months
Post by: Karena on September 27, 2016, 07:31:09 PM
A plan is always good hubby. :hug:for both you and you too Angela.
My avatar picture is the tatoo I designed,for myself unfortunately it never got further than a design.maybe one day but I can't decide where to put it.
Title: Re: Six months
Post by: Hubby on September 27, 2016, 10:10:44 PM
Thanks Karena. I've put the tattoo on hold until I take another week off work. I might go down and get them to design one for me and have it on my wrist. I stil want something on my ring finger but will go for something simpler.

My plans never came to fruition. It was a bit wet this morning but I couldn't get through to my friend on his phone. By the time I did it was too late to go over to see him as it takes a few hours to get there.

I did a few jobs around the house, tidying in places that havn't been touched in months. Margaret was everywhere today jumping out and surprising me. I found a DVD under the player and put it on. It was a silly thing me and Margaret had made in Blackpool a few years ago with our heads superimposed on cartoon bodies dancing to La Vida Loca. I had completely forgotten it. Margaret was laughing and pulling all kinds of faces and I burst out laughing when it came on. Then I burst out sobbing. I think that's one for my memory box.

Later on I found a pen drive by the computer and didn't know what was on it. It turned out to be photos. The first five I clicked on we're of Margaret and that had me going again.

I'm really pleased I found the video and photos even though they are upsetting to look at. I think my Grandson will particularly like the DVD. Strangely I don't feel sad at all now.

I've a few rough days coming up. I've got counselling tomorrow and my counsellor has learned how to press my buttons now. I've already had a rough week and a bit and I'm not expecting it to be easy. On Thursday I'm going into work even though I am off. I need to use the PC there to do my Timesheet and print off some stuff for Friday when I meet with the bigwigs at the health trust over Margarets time in A&E.
Title: Re: Six months
Post by: Hubby on September 29, 2016, 02:22:04 AM
I got quite busy today.

First the counselling. I arrived early and had revised my plans for the week to include dropping in at work today to do the paperwork and printing to free up Thursday. I had the letter from the health trust in my pocket detailing Margarets stay in A&E which I had been avoiding reading so I read it while I was waiting. This had the effect of having me in tears before the counsellor got a chance to.

During the session she mentioned that it sounded like I was beginning to accept the loss which makes sense to me. I've certainly reached a new point in grieving and at times it is every bit as bad as, if not worse than, the early days.

Even so it is not as debilitating or all consuming as those days. There are still parts of the day that are bearable, even 'normal', although the low points tend to overshadow them.

After the counselling I went to see my friend and had quite a pleasant afternoon with him. We watched quiz programs, had a few cups of tea and I even managed to get home to go for a short walk to get him out of the house ( He has difficulty walking since his stroke)

I then went to the depot to do he printing. As I typed up a timeline of Margarets treatment, or rather lack of it, in A&E the tears flowed freely and it took me a few hours to get down enough on paper to give those who will be st the meeting in Friday a starting point for discussion. I printed it off and went home not getting in till nearly 10pm.

Reading the paperwork again there's a few spelling mistakes but I think they are up to the job.

Hopefully I can get a few jobs around the houses done tomorrow but I might take another trip to the depot to add to the paperwork if my daughters think I've missed anything out.

Take care everyone.
Title: Re: Six months
Post by: Brian71 on September 29, 2016, 02:56:31 AM
Your up quite late Hubby, as am I...lol..I'm packing my cases ready for off in the morning.

Hope that meeting goes well on Friday,  you may find it's quite a formal meeting, ie. proper agenda with minutes of the meeting taken. 
I had a phone call myself yesterday morning from the hospital, and our official meeting with the Trusts CEO and other staff will be on October 10th,  they are sending me a copy of their 5mth investigation before hand hopefully it should arrive while I'm away, so I'm looking forward to reading what it has to say,  but after the last meeting I came away with the impression it is not being contested,  but we'll have to see, it will likely end-up being the usual platitudes. :undecided:

I look forward to seeing you at the Leeds meetup if you decide to go Hubby.   I only decided at the last minute myself as it coincided with a holiday I had booked, but missing one day and staying overnight is no big deal, and it will be nice to meet some of our friends on here.

You take care my friend,  AIS hope all goes well on Friday.... :hug:
Title: Re: Six months
Post by: Hubby on September 29, 2016, 11:53:50 PM
Cheers Brian. I was up pretty late last night just going through things in my head. The meeting does seem to be quite formal. I've been told that it will be recorded and I will be given a copy when it finishes. Talk about a backside covering exercise.  :rolleyes:

This morning I went through the stuff I typed up with my youngest who was also there in A&E. It was very upsetting to me as she can remember everything that went on but I have huge gaps that I have blocked out. She is coming with me which is a good thing as I suspect I will probably break down and not be able to talk.

After we went through that both my daughters and my grandson went with me to Dunelm to buy a couple of bits and pieces. My grandson really cheered me up babbling away in his pram. We had coffee and mince pies (MINCE PIES? It's only September!)

I took the dog for a walk then drove to my depot, ostensibly to do my Timesheet but it also gave me an excuse to use the works van to pick up some shopping.

Other than the cry this morning the day has been pretty bearable but I haven't got much done.

At present I'm all set for the Leeds meet but the final decision will probably be on the morning itself and dependant on how well I handle tomorrow's meeting. Wish me luck.

Hope you all have a good day on Friday.
Title: Re: Six months
Post by: angela33 on September 30, 2016, 07:34:21 AM
Good luck Hubby. Will be thinking of you x
Title: Re: Six months
Post by: Norma on September 30, 2016, 09:34:02 AM
Just to let you know Hubby thoughts will be with you today, yes its going to be a hard day for you, but think about it hun, youve already gone through the worst time if your life. Xx

 :hug:
Title: Re: Six months
Post by: BT on September 30, 2016, 08:28:59 PM
Hi, I it is just over 5 months since I lost my best friend the person who was my rock.  The 23rd September was the day she died.   I had the day off work and I was fine until later in the afternoon there was a film on that was one of our favourite films we watched together when I lived at home.   I cried a lot that day.   :hug: hubby
Title: Re: Six months
Post by: BT on September 30, 2016, 09:41:38 PM
Hi Norma, i agree with 'you have just lived through the worst time of your life' as I believe that I have lived through my worst fear the night I watched mum on a ventilator.    With each Month that passes by I learn something  new about grief and something new about myself not always good or bad.




Title: Re: Six months
Post by: Hubby on September 30, 2016, 10:32:56 PM
Thanks for all the thoughts.

As is often the case the buildup was a lot worse than the event. I couldn't sleep last night eventually dropping off at 5:30. I was up at 8 and was absolutely knackered when the time came for the meeting.

My youngest daughter and myself were shown to a meeting room where we met the head consultant and matron in charge of the A&E along with someone from the complaints department. Nobody from senior management attended.

We made our introductions and I handed over the papers I had prepared and they all read through hem before the discussion proper commenced. I think I managed to get through what I would expect to have happened in an ideal world, what I think went wrong and a few suggestions as to things that could be improved and only had a few minor wobbles in my voice along the way.

As I expected there were a lot of excuses and platitudes by the bucketload but they did admit that the care Margaret got that day was well below what should be provided and genuinely appear to listen and take on board my concerns. They actually appeared gobsmacked when I pointed out to them that for the final hours of her stay Margaret was in a bed waiting for an ambulance that couldn't take her because it's crew were out in the corridor with another patient waiting for a bed.

They were quite impressed with my paperwork, complete with a picture of Margaret and my grandson to humanise the incident, and asked my permission to be allowed to distribute it among the A&E staff to bring to their attention how delays can build up and have knock on effects in the department.

I came away with the impression that little, if anything, would change but at least I tried.

Afte that I did a bit of shopping with my daughter and then went home and had a sleep. I then went to my daughters and bought us all a chippy tea.

I have been feeling a bit subdued all day but, so far, no tears.

All being well I'm hoping to take a trip to Leeds tomorrow  :cheesy:
Title: Re: Six months
Post by: Hubby on October 01, 2016, 11:01:45 PM
Not a bad day today. I made it to Leeds and met a bunch of lovely people. There were drinks and food and chocolate. It doesn't get much better than that.

Got him around eight and had a little sleep. My dog was a bit put out that I'd been out all day and now he won't let me out of his sight.

Yeah. Good day.

Thanks to all who were there.  :smiley:
Title: Re: Six months
Post by: Emz2014 on October 02, 2016, 08:30:51 AM
The meets really make a difference dont they hubby :-)  so glad you made it to Leeds xx
Title: Re: Six months
Post by: Hubby on October 02, 2016, 02:55:12 PM
Thanks Emz

It was nice to be in a place where you feel that you can talk, be quiet or even cry if you want knowing that the people around you will really understand. It really sinks in that you are not alone in the way you feel.
Title: Re: Six months
Post by: Norma on October 02, 2016, 03:04:40 PM
It was lovely to meet you yesterday Hubby, i can honestly say i have never been on a meet where everyone wasnt comfortable around each other, im glad you found it beneficial, i can imagine how you felt walking into the room where we were, because it would have been exactly the same as me on my first meet. Hope we can do it again xx

 :hug:
Title: Re: Six months
Post by: Karena on October 02, 2016, 06:46:28 PM
Was lovely to meet you and a lovely day.My dog used to sulk too.how do they know when you havnt just been at work.He would lie with his back facing and just in case you went paying attention to the fact he was sulking.Very so often glare over his shoulder.
Title: Re: Six months
Post by: Hubby on October 02, 2016, 10:11:23 PM
Thanks all. It was lovely to meet you all  too.

The friendliness and fun of the meet rolled over to today. I played with the dog in the garden for ages until he forgave me for abandoning him and I managed to get out and do a bit of painting (between clouds) and even felt brave enough to tackle cooking a bit of fresh fish for my tea. It wasn't a patch on what Margaret would have done but it was nice to cook something that didn't come in a packet with instructions.

I've felt quite good all day. I just had a little cry while replying to another post but all told it's another pretty good day.

Hope everyone else had a good one as well.

 :cheesy:
Title: Re: Six months
Post by: Norma on October 02, 2016, 11:48:29 PM
Aw Hubby Hugs to you xx
Title: Re: Six months
Post by: Julie Magson on October 03, 2016, 01:22:31 PM
So glad that Leeds gave you a much needed lift!
Title: Re: Six months
Post by: Hubby on October 03, 2016, 10:29:07 PM
Thanks for the replies.

I had another pretty good day. I was a bit rushed off my feet in work and will be glad if I can get back on nights. My daughter went to stay at her boyfriends this afternoon so it was an empty house to go back to apart from billy the dog who was really pleased when I turned up. I had a surprise visit from a neighbour who I used to meet a lot dog walking until his dog died and we had a good chinwag and a few coffees. He's a really nice bloke and I've told him to drop in anytime.

Since I'm alone I couldn't be bothered cooking snything special so I pinged a lasagne in the microwave. I chopped a red pepper up and threw it on the top in a vain attempt to stop it looking like a microwave meal for one but the plastic tray wouldn't let me fool myself.

My mother in law popped in for a cuppa and I watched a bit of telly. All that without tears.

Then I decided to have a shave before bed and broke down crying in the bathroom. I guess grief has to get the upper hand every so often. It was only for about twenty minutes and I was ok again. I still have my nightly cry in bed so can't understand why the grief couldn't wait half an hour and had to get out there and then. Then again the bathroom is always a bit of a trigger.

Not a bad day though.

Hope yours has been good.
Title: Re: Six months
Post by: Julie Magson on October 04, 2016, 10:27:56 AM
You're like me with micro meals- I do try and cook properly but on the days it's too much it's a micro meal, to fool myself I always have some fresh veggies with it and then I don't feel so bad. :coffeetoast:
Title: Re: Six months
Post by: Karena on October 04, 2016, 11:27:04 AM
 :hug: grief doesnt wait , it hits you when it choses and often in the most unexpected places too.

I dont mind so much eating the microwave meal for one as buying it - Exposing your whole life to a supermarketful of strangers who will draw right or wrong conclusions without ever speaking.
I think what i have to remember is they wouldnt make them if they didnt sell so there,s a lot of people feeling the same -for whatever reasons. I used to live off them entirely but now try to organise myself -if i make a meal i make enough to freeze some into portions, so i have homemade microwave meals for one, but at least i know whats in them.It also means i can avoid supermarkets for longer.
Title: Re: Six months
Post by: Julie Magson on October 04, 2016, 11:33:39 AM
You're so right about the supermarkets Karena- my basket is so obviously a shop for one  basket, makes me feel sad and embarrassed. I also find myself being so much more friendlier to the older single person obviously shopping for one as I totally understand now.
Title: Re: Six months
Post by: angela33 on October 04, 2016, 11:39:43 AM
Yes supermarkets are so full of memories and so often I find myself reaching for something that John used to like particularly. It's a minefield for the grief monsters in there.
Title: Re: Six months
Post by: Norma on October 04, 2016, 11:50:13 AM
I dont drive but my sister in law takes me on a friday, my shopping done in 10 minutes she shops for a family of four, so im  sat on a bench in the doorway and after 2 years i still feel as if everyone is looking at me and knows im on my own, hate it, but shes the last contact i have with my John xx

 :hug:
Title: Re: Six months
Post by: Julie Magson on October 04, 2016, 05:22:01 PM
So very true Eileen  :hearts:
Title: Re: Six months
Post by: longedge on October 04, 2016, 06:03:18 PM
For me this another one of those, "Well it's not only me then" moments.
When you stop and think about it I suppose that we all feel the same way about shopping for one. It just makes the feeling of loneliness worse doesn't it  :cray:
Title: Re: Six months
Post by: Karena on October 04, 2016, 07:18:28 PM
 :hug:
Title: Re: Six months
Post by: Hubby on October 04, 2016, 11:39:52 PM
Thanks for the replies. There's definitely something about the 'meal for one' printed on the box that that rubs your nose in it

I woke up late for work today. Couldn't get to sleep last night so I made sure I set two alarms on my phone. I must have stopped both and gone back to sleep. I managed to get in in time for an arranged delivery of some lifting equipment but the delivery driver was one and a half hours late. I sat in a car park waiting and put a CD on and before I knew it I was crying my eyes out. I don't know why but for some reason 'Mr Blue Sky' set me off. I don't even have any conscious memories of that being of any significance to me and Margaret.  :undecided:

After the delivery I went back to the depot and, conscious that it was one if those days when I could get upset at the drop if a hat, busied myself shovelling mud out of sight of everyone else. At home time I found myself bursting into tears while driving and can't for the life of me think what the trigger was.

I took the dog for a walk on the park. The minute we set foot on the park youths started throwing fireworks around. Billy was terrified but then a CPO turned up on s bike and started chasing them. He had hardly any chance of catching one. I don't know what possessed me but I decided to grab one for him. His friends weren't impressed by my public spiritedness and no doubt there will be repercussions next time I walk the dog but what the hell.

Another meal for one tonight, the worst sausage and mash I've ever had, but my daughter is back tomorrow so I'll have a reason to make something better. I just watched telly till bedtime then.

Despite the surprise crying earlier most of the day has been OK.
Title: Re: Six months
Post by: Emz2014 on October 05, 2016, 09:26:42 AM
Well done for your bravery hubby, hopefully it will make the others more cautious. I imagine the police should be keeping an eye on that area for a while. Hope Billy is ok. Is he scared of fireworks in general too?  I hate that fireworks are used for so long and not just one night, Raz is scared of them which then results in me having to stand in the garden trying to convince him its safe to go out when he needs a wee late at night.  :undecided:

Sending a hug, sounds like yesterday was a bit delicate.  :hug:

Great thing about Autumn, its a better season for stew. My dad taught me how to make stew, we always had a fun little joke whenever he said he was making one when i was over for dinner that it had to have 'little bums in it' (pearl barley, couldnt remember the name years ago and only description at time came to mind was little bums and it stuck).  I have a huge pot just for stew, i make a gigantic one with chicken then freeze plenty of portions. I was never very good at cooking for one, I either ate dinner which should have fed 2-4 people (the pastabake was just too yummy to stop, and I really dont see how the jar said it could have fed 4!) or if it involved mashed potato I'd have enough mashed potato to feed the street!  Found that mashed potato freezes surprisingly well lol :-)

Xx
Title: Re: Six months
Post by: Hubby on October 05, 2016, 07:41:02 PM
Thanks for the replies.

Eileen. I do smile sometimes and most of the time is now pretty OK but when I look back at the end of the day the crying time tends to overshadow everything else.

I don't think I was brave Emz. I would put it down as being a bit reckless. Round here people don't involve themselves with the police as there's a nasty culture among the kids of intimidating those who do. Billy has been terrified of fireworks since he was a puppy and a gang of lads fired a rocket at him. We have to give him Valium in bonfire night but as you say the fireworks now go on for over a month.

As for today. Four alarms made sure I got up on time, just. It was another night of not sleeping till late (I thought I had sorted the sleeping out). I was a bit miserable, I'm sure some of you will know that 'just about to cry' feeling, during my drive in but there were no tears. I did a bit of work then broke off to go to counselling.

That was strange. I had the feeling there had been improvements even though I have been generally feeling more down since the six month anniversary. Despite the positive feeling my first tears of the day came out during the session. We discussed a few things I should try and get sorted over the week.

Home then. My daughter wasn't due home till teatime so in keeping with the theme while she's away I chucked something in the microwave. Today it was a couple of burgers. I banged a cheese slice on them and some burger sauce to make them cordon bleu and ate them. As I was clearing up afterwards I noticed that they were ten days out of date or as I like to call it 'extra matured'

My daughter has come home now and I'm very tired so I've come upstairs for a bath and bed. Ice also had a quick sob and pleaded with Margaret to come back. I don't know why I do that as it makes the crying worse but it must make sense to me on a subconscious level.

So, in short, not such a good day. 65 maybe 70% good, 25% bad, the rest very bad.
Title: Re: Six months
Post by: Emz2014 on October 05, 2016, 08:40:38 PM
I remember going through at least 2 episodes of bad sleep,  and my team colleague at work who lost a loved one 3 weeks after me went through the same experience around the same time, so perhaps its a bit of a cycle thing.  Stay as relaxed as you can and your sleep will come back again  :hug: xx
Title: Re: Six months
Post by: Hubby on October 06, 2016, 10:11:43 PM
Thanks again (Daddy?  :huh:)

I didn't get to sleep till gone four again last night. It's leaving me really tired during the day and when I get tired I slow down, stop being so busy and then get upset.

I did work today and stopped off for shopping on the way home. I haven't done any this week. The fridge is empty and we're living off what we have in. Despite this I just picked up the dog food and couldn't be bothered getting anything else.

Back out in the supermarket car park I sat in the van looking at all the couples going in and out and thinking that should be Margaret and me. That got me crying so I thought since I'm already upset I may as well go to the grave.

Of course the grave made me even more upset and I did an hour of proper wailing there. It actually frightens me the dark thoughts I have at the grave. I don't think I should go there alone again for a while.

Tea went well then just relaxing. I was going to do a few jobs around the house but my motivation is zero.

Again a mainly bearable day but with that hour and a bit of being really down bring the main memory I have of it and far overshadowing all the 'normal' stuff.
Title: Re: Six months
Post by: Julie Magson on October 07, 2016, 02:37:54 PM
Aw  :hug:  I hate the supermarkets too, all the couples, choosing stuff together, just horrible. The thing I have to keep reminding myself is that sadly one day they will have to go through the same thing that we are going through now- it's inevitable for one of them really isn't it? I mean everybody will have to go through it (or at least the unlucky ones who go last). So- I don't know, in a way I feel relieved that I have been through it, that what is the worst thing I could possibly face has happened, it isn't still to come. I don't know if any of that makes sense really or if I've explained it very well.
Title: Re: Six months
Post by: Karena on October 07, 2016, 07:59:10 PM
 :hug:I think sometimes we pile on the torture because we need the emotional release,its like if you hear a sad song then put a lot of other sad songs on and keep crying until you run out.add that to lack of sleep and today was always going to be difficult before it started.Tomorrow,s another day I hope it will be a better one for you.
Title: Re: Six months
Post by: Hubby on October 08, 2016, 12:50:44 AM
Evening all.

I apologise if this post is a bit strange but I've been out all evening with some workmates and I'm full of Erdinger dark German beer and old j cherry rum.

Julie. I know exactly what you are saying. It's horrible to realise that for almost every couple one is going to have to go through this. I was even saying at the Leeds meet that if there is any comfort to be taken from bereavement it is that our loved ones didn't have to go through what we are going through.

Karena, my counsellor has often pointed out that I torture myself and asks why I do it and I cannot answer that. I think you have got it spot on. We torture ourselves because we have to let it out. I might throw that into the counselling session next week.

Eileen, no need to apologise. Your slip actually brought back a really happy memory. Me and Margaret went to see a show in Blackpool whet one of the performers was impersonating. Marilyn Monroe. She got a bloke from the audience in stage and draped herself all over him singing 'my heart belongs to daddy'. When she finished she looked at the blokes wife and said to him ' you are in soooo much trouble'. Me and Margaret nearly wet ourselves laughing  :rofl:

Today I woke up confused and upset. I was sure I remembered Margaret saying something to me in the neurological hospital. My daughters have told me she didn't. They remember everything better than I do so it must be a false memory.

Work was OK and I did sausages and mash for tea. Sausages have always been a bit of a problem and my daughter too longer than expected at a doctors  appointment so I can best describe them as 'caramelised'.

I went out with my workmates after that and got a bit merry. I've just got home and burnt my mouth on microwave pizza.  :angry:

Hope you all have a lovely weekend.
Title: Re: Six months
Post by: longedge on October 08, 2016, 01:21:47 AM
This was going through my head today. Why couldn't it have been me to go first. No - wait, then Chris would have had to go through the agony and torment that I have/am suffering -I wouldn't want her to have to do that. Next thought - would she have coped better than I am doing, and the answer to that is most definitely YES. Would she have been a better remaining parent and grandparent - most definitely she would. The conclusion is that it is as it is......You can't change anything!
Title: Re: Six months
Post by: Hubby on October 08, 2016, 01:39:13 AM
I've had the same thoughts George.

Margaret would have been a much better grandparent to little Oliver and a hell of a lot better support to my daughters than I am. I would also hope she would have copex better.

But it is us that have the burden. We cannot change places no matter how much we wish we could.

And doesn't that suck?  :angry:
Title: Re: Six months
Post by: longedge on October 08, 2016, 01:59:19 AM
And doesn't that suck?  :angry:

Not half!
Title: Re: Six months
Post by: Karena on October 08, 2016, 08:17:26 PM
With the music as well,we have the radio on in our office and there is no way to control what's going to come on.certain songs and I would have to do a sharp exit.perhaps by playing them where I could cry unheard and unseen ( for cry read wail like a banshee sometimes) I was attempting to desensatise them,make them something normal rather than be constantly stressing that i,m going to go somewhere and get upset so avoiding going out where there may be music if that makes any sense.
Its possible you were dreaming when you woke thinking Margaret said something,some dreams I remember vividly others I have also woken confused like that from. :hug:
Title: Re: Six months
Post by: Hubby on October 09, 2016, 02:04:43 AM
Thanks for the replies.

It might have been a dream that put the thoughts in my head. I cannot remember dreaming about Margaret at all since I lost her. I wish I could but then again I do not often recall what I dream about so I might be doing it without knowing.

I think there is too much music with memories attached to ever desensitise ourselves. I've even been set off by a tune I can't really attach any significance to. Then there are all the songs with lyrics that seem to take on extra meaning after we have lost someone.

Today I have been teetering on the edge of tears all day. Because of that I haven't got much done and consequently I've been very short tempered. I did manage to find an important piece of paperwork in among the mess and, after three hours of head scratching, I think I have finally managed to set up email on my new PC.

I'm hoping tomorrow I will get more done before my grandson comes in and gives me some guaranteed happy time.  :smiley:
Title: Re: Six months
Post by: Hubby on October 09, 2016, 11:00:58 PM
What a day. It feels like I've crammed a week into it.

I got up and managed to get myself motivated. I've done loads of little jobs around the house and garden. Painting, pointing, pruning a bit if waterproofing and a tidy up of the yard. I also managed a small foray into looking at some stuff in the bedroom and filled a large bag with new shoes if Margarets fir the charity shop before that got too upsetting and had me wailing. I also had a go at clearing he table in the front room but finding a stack of Margarets birthday cards set me off again.

We had a bit of family turmoil. Before she died Margaret was planning a surprise 80th birthday party for her mum. She had loads of stuff booked and my eldest daughter took over the task as it was her mothers wish. Absolutely everything was sorted and paid for. The venue, the disco, catering, banners, balloon arches, my daughter has paid for most of bit herself. Last week she sent out the invitations. Today some halfwit told my mother in law he was looking forward to her 'surprise' party. He tried to backtrack but the game was up.

My mother in law never liked parties and she has said she can't face up to having one especially as Margaret won't be there. She even said that Margaret would never plan a party for her. This upset my eldest who stood to lose around £900 if it was cancelled and wanted it to be a success as it was her mums last project. My mother in law will not back down but I think we've come to a compromise in renaming the party an engagement party for my daughter and hopefully we can tweak a few of the arrangements.

Later on my other daughter came in with her bloke and my grandson. Poor little fella has a terrible sore throat,probably from starting st nursery, but he still lifted our spirits with his smiles and laughter.

I think I've had three or four cries today. Good ones, not some half hearted little sniffles, but despite them and he but if conflict I think it was quite a reasonable day.
Title: Re: Six months
Post by: Karena on October 10, 2016, 07:36:35 PM
Oh my goodness what sort of halfwit does that.I,m glad you found a compromise . Hope the little chap gets over his sore throat quickly.One of mine started school last month,and has already had glandular fever a stomach bug and now an ear infection.The eldest crashed his bike on the way to school on Friday and ripped his arm openLuckilly was wearing his helmet,and the road was quiet or things might have been worse.Grandkids certainly keep you on your toes,but after this weekend not sure they keep you younger.
Title: Re: Six months
Post by: Hubby on October 10, 2016, 11:32:58 PM
Thanks Karena.

My daughter has set about changing the arrangements today and there are only a couple of things that can't be adjusted to the new theme.

Slept through all four alarms this morning but still managed to get to the depot pretty early. I kept myself busy all day doing little jobs tidying and improving the place. I dropped off in town on my way home to get some presents for my Jack Russell, Billy, as it's his 7th birthday on Friday. (I hope he doesn't read this) and a mate popped around at teatime which relieved the boredom if the house a bit.

Best thing is not a single cry. I have been thinking about Margaret a lot but mainly happy stuff. Most days even happy thoughts will set me off but today was one of those rare days when I could enjoy the memories without having to pay in tears.

There's still my bedtime cry to come but it's been a good day.

I'm hoping for a few more to recharge my batteries.  :cheesy:
Title: Re: Six months
Post by: Emz2014 on October 11, 2016, 07:36:02 AM
Sounds a good day :-) Aww what have you got for Billy's birthday?  Xx
Title: Re: Six months
Post by: marvil296 on October 11, 2016, 08:33:15 AM
Hi hubby I like that you got your dog Billy a birthday present.I do that with my wee dog.They are so loyal and a great comfort to you.I would be lost without mine.
Title: Re: Six months
Post by: Hubby on October 11, 2016, 08:39:38 PM
Thanks for the replies.

I've git Billy a big squeaky rabbit. I don't know why because he destroys the squeaks in seconds but it will be fun watching him running round the house with it and refusing to give it up.

After posting last night I was feeling really positive so I decided to look through some photos on my phone. That was a mistake and my nightly weep turned into a wail. One day I will be able to do it but it wasn't last night that's for sure.

I got up on the first alarm today which was strange as I had an appointment with the occupational health doctor and could have had a two hour lie in. I took the train to Manchester and had s leisurely walk around. The doctors appointment seemed to go well but I have to wait till their report goes to my boss to see how well.

I was hoping to get out and paint this afternoon but it started raining just as I got home. I took a big bag of Margarets new shoes I found on Sunday to the charity shop and did a bit of shopping while I was out. I felt really tired for some reason and I've come to bed early. I had a bit of a big cry when I first came upstairs but that's passed now.

I doubt I'll go to sleep straight away I need a bit if alone time.

Not a bad day though even if I didn't get much done.
Title: Re: Six months
Post by: marvil296 on October 11, 2016, 10:02:53 PM
Hi hubby That's nice what you got Billy.Its fun to watch them with their toys.They can be so cheeky.My wee dog keeps me going.I think you are doing fine.Its hard looking at photos.I was down at mums again today sorting out her house.Its so hard though.She has that much stuff.I thought I was a horder,mum wins It will take ages sorting all her stuff.I have filled 2 bags with all her scarfs alone.So far I have found about 75. Also 10 umbrellas.And enough bottles of perfume to open a shop.Thats mum though she always bought lots of what she liked.Feel quite tired though ,must have filled about 25 bags.And 10 bags of rubbish.That was all tupperweare boxes.Ive done the bathroom and the kitchen.And some of her clothes in the bedroom.Me and mums song came on the radio today again.  Leona Lewis Run.I take that as a sign she is fine.It makes me cry though.Its good to cry and not bootle it up.Least Ive made a start though.It was so hard though.Take care.
Title: Re: Six months
Post by: Karena on October 11, 2016, 10:41:09 PM
Meant to say last nightMarvil, perhaps you could make her scarves into a quilt,or get someone to do it for you,might be a way to remember happy occasions she wore them.
When it comes to hoarding stuff I fear my daughters will say the same of me,I am trying to declutter but my big problem is not my stuff,there,s very little that's mine,but inherited from everyone I have lost which makes it difficult to part with.
Hubby
I hope Billy enjoys his birthday. and doesnt read about his present,you will have to keep your password hidden from him.My dog was a great companion its 4 months since I lost him and there are still times I come through the door half expecting him to greet me,then on Saturday night I found a new element to that loss,when a noise woke me.Normally I would look to him for a reaction no reaction would mean no problem reaction would give meprotection if I needed it,but this time I had to deal with it on my own,i didnt find anything but had little sleep then got so anxious wondering what it could have been there was no sleep Sunday night either.perhaps I should be more wary of what I watch or read on a night,and curb my imagination.

I like Manchester .If I,m passing through or going to the airport I always try to leave plenty of time for a stop off and quick wander round . I,m glad you are remembering more happy times now.  :hug:
Title: Re: Six months
Post by: marvil296 on October 11, 2016, 10:54:12 PM
Hi karenea thanks for the idea about the scarfs.I think that would be lovely.I took a lot of my mums crystal glasses today and my grans wedding dishes that my mum had, to be passed on to me now.I came in today with 2 bags of stuff.So sorry to hear about your dog that's a shame.My house is so quiet to.It would be worse without my wee dog.You do hear all kind of noises when you stay yourself.x
Title: Re: Six months
Post by: angela33 on October 12, 2016, 08:43:51 AM
Yes my Westie (Harris) has been a life/sanity saver on so many occasions over the past 10 months.  As you say Karena if the dog isn't bothered by things that go bump in the nigh then I can turn over and go back to sleep but otherwise I'm staring into the dark imagining all kinds of things. Youre so right about being careful about what you read or watch before bedtime. I tend to wake early and lie worrying about all kinds of things - imagination can be a blessing or a curse sometimes. Last week I had an ENT appointment as I had been experiencing small amount of hearing loss particularly in the right ear.  Thought I would just have a hearing test and a chat about hearing aids, but ended up having the dreaded nasal scope procedure which is horrible and the consultant confirmed that there was an imbalance in the loss (although mild) and said I needed an MRI to find out why. Having done the wrong thing on returning home and researched n Google reasons for MRI in these circumstances, have terrified myself as what it will be looking for is something called an acoustic neuroma which is a "benign" brain tumour - benign coz it doesn't spread through the body, but not good in that treatment is surgery, radio/chemotherapy and a definite side effect is total loss of hearing in affected ear and possible paralysis of the side of face so doesn't sound benign to me! Don't know when the MRI is yet and follow up isn't till January, so plenty of time worry myself to death in the meantime.  Another area where its dreadful being alone with no-one to about fears and no-one to give the comfort that a loved partner is so good at. Get so frightened sometimes.
Title: Re: Six months
Post by: marvil296 on October 12, 2016, 02:20:09 PM
Hi Angela so glad your westie Harris is a comfort to you.My westie Clyde is my comfort I talk to him as I have no one for support either.My mum and husband were a great support .Its so hard when your used to there support and you don't have it anymore.Take care try not to worry .Marvil x
Title: Re: Six months
Post by: angela33 on October 12, 2016, 07:05:02 PM
Thanks Marvil. Good to know there's another Westie Mum out there. Such special little dogs!
Title: Re: Six months
Post by: marvil296 on October 12, 2016, 07:23:00 PM
HI Angela They are very special wee dogs,so clever.I collect fridge magnets Ive got lots of westie ones.My husband got me a nice one about how special westies are .x
Title: Re: Six months
Post by: angela33 on October 12, 2016, 07:51:13 PM
With love from Harris to you and Clyde!
Title: Re: Six months
Post by: Karena on October 12, 2016, 07:53:45 PM
 :hug: try not to worry too much easier said than done I know.
Title: Re: Six months
Post by: marvil296 on October 12, 2016, 08:02:09 PM
Hi Angela Harris is gorgeous.Thanks so much for the photo .What age is Harris?, Clyde just turned 11 on August.X :smiley:
Title: Re: Six months
Post by: angela33 on October 12, 2016, 10:15:22 PM
Harris was 4 on 26th September which is the date that my previous Westie, Lady, was put to sleep in 2012, so I always feel they are particularly connected to each other.  Lady was a wonderful dog and came to work with me every day when I was working in a Hospice.  She brought comfort and smiles to patients, relatives, friends and staff as well as being my loved companion.  Harris would be a bit to boisterous to take on a similar role (if I hadn't retired) but he still manages to bring smiles to people's faces as we go about our lives together so he carries on Lady's legacy of bringing good feelings into the world!
Title: Re: Six months
Post by: marvil296 on October 12, 2016, 10:37:35 PM
Hi angela That's lovely how the dogs are connected.My wee clyde is the same when we are out walking he has lots of doggy friends.Lots of little kids clap him .He like harris is cheeky.The birthday of Harris is my husbands birthday.Thats nice.I hope I have Clyde a few more years.I would be lost without him.x
Title: Re: Six months
Post by: Hubby on October 13, 2016, 10:32:52 PM
Nice to see so many dog lovers. I was going to bring Billy's present into the house tonight but I've left it in my van because there is no way I could sneak a toy past him.

Angela, try not to worry about the tests. They are only tests and nothing is concrete until the results are in. Rationally if the tests results are good then you have spent time worrying over nothing and if they aren't then you have still increased the length of time you will worry. As for Google I look at it as the modern day equivalent of my grannies family medical encyclopaedia. At the first sign of a sniffle she would open it up and diagnose something fatal. Ten times out of ten she was wrong.

I didn't get to post an update yesterday because I was in a bit of a rush to get out so its a two day one again.

On Wednesday I spent the morning in work going round with a stand in manager getting him up to speed on outstanding jobs. Then it was off to counselling. I was feeling a bit strange, upbeat and almost like I thought I was a fraud and didn't need counselling anymore. Halfway through it I was in tears again. I don't know if it's working or not.

I did a pretty big shop on the way home, made tea, answered a few posts in here then it was off out to see a mate play a gig. It was strange being in a pub drinking orange juice all night because I had work the next day but I enjoyed it nonetheless.

I got home about half past midnight and then couldn't get to sleep. I put that down to drinking about a gallon of orange juice.  :embarrassed:

Today I did normal work stuff and there were no upsetting moments. I finished pretty late and went to visit my aunt where I wasn't the best visitor in the world as I fell asleep in an armchair for two hours. I headed off home and broke down crying on the drive very, VERY upset. I got the urge to drive to the grave but managed to fight it off. My last two visits there have had me having some extremely dark thoughts and I know it is not a safe place for me to be alone, especially when it is dark and there are no people around.

I went home and started making a casserole in the slow cooker for tomorrow's tea. Tonight's tea was a cheese butty. I had a blazing row with my eldest daughter. I know she isn't very well but I feel she could do more around the house and that she is taking advantage. It doesn't take much effort to rinse your dinner plates off and run the Hoover round does it?

I came to bed at 8:30 and I've been looking around the Internet. I just didn't want to sit downstairs and I'm up at 6 in the morning. I've got a job on and billy has to get his prezzy.  :smiley:
Title: Re: Six months
Post by: Hubby on October 15, 2016, 12:36:20 AM
I think there's been something wrong with the website tonight. I couldn't get on it st all till midnight.

I've had a pretty good day today. Work went well, billy loves his new toys, the casserole was superb and me and my daughter have got over our little argument though I wait to see if anything has changed.

I've had one cry just after I got home. It is strange that the feelings seem to be stronger when I am upset now than they were in the early months yet I don't cry for as long. It's as if the same amount of grief is concentrated in a shorter time if that makes sense.

Hope you all have a good weekend.
Title: Re: Six months
Post by: Brian71 on October 15, 2016, 08:56:32 AM
The website has been dead slow for a couple days Hubby, AYS there was a time last night when it was just timing out, and when it worked it took ages to load a page.   Seems to be much better now though.

Your comment about crying pattern... is probably how I've been lately too, positive days with the odd bad one thrown in....too much thinking...but we cannot erase our memories and indeed we wouldn't wish to, as that's all we have.
All we can do is plod on through each day as it comes, it will get easier,  but I'm sure even after a long period even years maybe, we will still get those sad moments,  we wouldn't be human if we didn't.
 :hug:
Title: Re: Six months
Post by: Emz2014 on October 15, 2016, 08:58:17 AM
Happy birthday to Billy! Hope he enjoys his toys. :-) xx
Title: Re: Six months
Post by: marvil296 on October 15, 2016, 09:44:04 AM
Happy birthday to Billy hope he enoys his new toys.Hope you all have a lovely day. :smiley:
Title: Re: Six months
Post by: angela33 on October 15, 2016, 10:53:08 AM
Happy birthday Billy from Harris the Westie. Nothing like a good squeaky toy to shred to its gizzards in under a minute!!! Well done with your casserole Hubby - nothing quite as satisfying as producing a meal that tastes delicious AND didn't go near a microwave! Yes I get that heightened intensity when the grief hits me - it does seem like its compressed.  I am scattering John's ashes today accompanied by his married sister with her husband and son and his unmarried sister, (plus Harris of course - not many places he doesn't got to).  When we made our wills years ago he requested that his ashes be scattered on the turn out fields at the stables where we have kept our various horses (only one at a time -we weren't that rich!!) over the past 40 years.  Its a lovely space, loads of fields rolling into each other and I have found a huge oak tree which has a fallen log at its base - ideal for sitting on.  I have laminated a couple of photos of John riding and pinned them to the tree and planted out some Rosemary (for remembrance) and white cyclamen.  When the ground gets softer I will dig up an area and plant bluebells, daffodils and snowdrops so it promises to be a lovely place to go to and sit and have a memory festival while Harris runs around smelling horse poo (hopefully not rolling in it!)  This tree gives masses of shade when its in leaf and a lot of the horses congregate underneath it in the summer, gently swishing their tails and dozing in the sun. So whilst wishing I wasn't having to do this, I am glad it is a place that has a lot of special significance for both of us.  Cant let him go entirely though and have kept some ashes here at home and put some under a rose bush and lavender bush in the garden - still need him close.  Hope he doesn't mind being 'split up' in this way!
Title: Re: Six months
Post by: Karena on October 15, 2016, 07:59:06 PM
Yep I had problems with the site last night but must have been a blip its fine tonight.
Hubby,annoying as they are its more than normal to be rowing with grown up kids about the chores.My eldest makes me laugh she,s so particular now,much more than me,but I remember only too well the half eaten pizza in its box under the bed,etc,and the younger one I now can't help the smirk when she's telling her kids off for the mess,and she was worse than her sister.
I don't think orange juice is meant to be drunk by the gallon no wonder you couldn't sleep,I usually go for lime and soda,not so much sugar in that.I do know what you mean about the crying,shorter but more intense,I think its key moments counselling when of course you're focussing entirely on your grief,but arriving home knowing she isn't there.To be honest that has come back for me since losing the dog too.I tend to make a cup of tea then go straight out the back,even if its raining and I have to drink it in the porch.Don't know why it feels better,maybe adjusting to that transision.I think maybe you are wise to stay away from being on your own at the cemetery,Perhaps you could create a more positive space like Angela,a spot in the garden.Even just a seat and a large tub with her favourite flowers in.
Angela your spot sounds really lovely. I remember visiting somewhere in dalby forest with a view and finding a poem someone had written for her dad and laminated.,it was very moving,it had got half buried on the ground and the ribbon snapped so we walked back  to the car to get some string to fix it,then we tied it to a branch on the tree I found it under.Hoping it was the right place.

Glad Billy enjoyed his birthday.
Title: Re: Six months
Post by: mike59 on October 15, 2016, 08:09:11 PM
hello all , I agree the sites had a few problems for the past few days its been very Laggy and somtimes impossible to post,I hope to be making a few more posts if things go well , Ive Been under the weather as of Late, I lost my Lovely wife in Febuary to lung Cancer
Now my Father is at the end of his Life but hes so strong and a Fighter,I hope you are all Having a decent weekend hope to chat to you all soon.
Title: Re: Six months
Post by: Brian71 on October 15, 2016, 08:33:04 PM
I agree with Karen Hubby,  I know I would find visiting my wife's grave had she not been cremated very tough indeed,  I would likely visit it an awful lot...probably daily,  and the feeling I know I would get... would be horrendously painful and emotionally unbearable, and for a very long time I suspect.

Ann's ashes are in a casket in my lounge which has a photograph of her in the front,   though I tend to touch the casket most days and speak to her,  I find the thought of her ashes being there don't upset me at all,  but seeing the photograph does occasionally.   It's those memories in your head, and when you start to go over and re-live what happened and you start thinking a lot about them that tears me apart.

So I can only imagine how those visits to Margaret's grave must rip you apart Hubby.

I wish you strength my friend.  Keep going and try and shut those dark thoughts out Hubby,  sounds funny me saying that because I need to practice what I preach...lol....remember our standard forum saying...A Day At A Time.
Title: Re: Six months
Post by: Brian71 on October 15, 2016, 08:47:08 PM
Good to hear from you Mike,  but sorry to hear you have not been too well,  yes cancer is a terrible disease, AYK my own wife passed away from undiagnosed lung cancer too in April, (diagnosing it literally a couple days before she died) I doubt if any of us who have lost their partner will ever be the same again, the impact is simply too great.

I would say losing my Dad was the other biggest tragedy in my life, so I don't envy what you are going through this year Mike,  hopefully your Dad will be around for a little longer yet.
man-hug from me.  :hug:
Title: Re: Six months
Post by: Soleil on October 16, 2016, 08:47:01 PM
Good for you Hubby, sounds like you're still coming along. Hope it's a good week.
Title: Re: Six months
Post by: Hubby on October 16, 2016, 11:39:15 PM
Hi all.

I didn't post again last night. Nothing wrong with the forum I've just had a pretty bad weekend.

I have not actually done anything over the weekend other than a shop and moping around. I've had some pretty dark moments and, to be honest, some if the thoughts I have had scare me. I can't even talk them through with the counsellor in case they send me to the crisis team again. I've been in to the Samaritans a few times.

I don't know why this weekend has been so hard. I went into it feeling quite positive following last Sunday and expecting to get loads of jobs done.

I have picked up a bit this evening following the visit of my youngest daughter and my grandson and I'm hoping that wave has now passed and I'll get a few good days in to recover.

Hope you have all had better weekends

Take care
Title: Re: Six months
Post by: Karena on October 17, 2016, 07:12:14 PM
 :hug: sorry you had a bad weekend.they will come and go like this.I think as nights get longer and days darker many people suffer from feeling depressed and grief amplifies that.
If you havnt already, get a photo of that little boy in your wallet where you can access it all the time,so when you get those dark thoughts take a look at that little ray of sunshine that helps make life worth holding on too,and try to focus on him think about his firsts coming up in life that you want to be here for.

Title: Re: Six months
Post by: Julie Magson on October 17, 2016, 07:15:47 PM
Sorry Hubby- difficult days I know X :hearts:
Title: Re: Six months
Post by: Hubby on October 17, 2016, 10:49:29 PM
Thanks for the replies. It was a rough weekend. It could be the lousy weather keeping me indoors that set me off. So many triggers.

Today was fine. I got a bit upset after work when I attempted to start tidying the front room. Practically the first thing I picked up was a cuddly toy which I thought was Billy's at first. Then I realised I bought it for Margaret on Valentine's Day a month before I lost her. Needless to say clearing up stopped there. I wonder if I'll ever be able to sort that room out.

I've got five weeks annual leave left to take before the end of the year. Thing is I don't want to take it.  Work gives me a reason to get up, keeps my mind occupied and gets me out of the house. At this stage I can't think of anything I fancy doing less than staying at home all day for a week let alone five. I've applied for next week off but I'm already regretting it.
Title: Re: Six months
Post by: Julie Magson on October 18, 2016, 04:16:40 PM
I'm like that with work Hubby- that's another thing this has spoiled for me. Hate it when we have to have holidays now.
Title: Re: Six months
Post by: Brian71 on October 18, 2016, 05:34:53 PM
I agree,  having a job of work,  must help a little I'm sure, and your right holidays are particularly lonely times too,   where of course they should be fun and enjoyable times you can look back on with much fondness.

I've been away 4 times, a total of about 6 weeks since Ann passed away,  feeling I need to get away for a while,  but all I'm really doing is moving my loneliness and grieving from my home to a hotel room or whatever, and of course you start to think to yourself how she would be enjoying this now,  but because she's not there,  it's no longer enjoyable.

Well Julie you can imagine what it's like when your at home 24/7....it's pretty awful, so you do have to get out and try to do something with what's left,  my only consolation is that financially I'm comfortable, so I don't have those worries,  but that seems so very unimportant now,  it all means NOTHING!.

You nice people take care,  time for me to shower, shave and get ready...I'm out this evening.
Best wishes....Brian
Title: Re: Six months
Post by: Karena on October 18, 2016, 06:55:50 PM
Hubby could you ask your boss to defer the remainder until you feel up too it

.I,m the opposite work is so dull it confines me too a place and doesn't distract me at all.I don't spend holidays in hotels alone though One week is spent watching and recording dolphins.I do go with a friend but there are enough people I know there that I wouldn't hesitate to go on my own.Of them only one is in communication the rest of the year the dolphins are the thing that binds us. Then we go back to our everyday lives. The other three I spend in south Africa some of that with my daughter but also done voluntary work there,on school permaculture projects and wildlife conservation which is not only distracting but rewarding too.Its always the commonality of an activity that draws people together and for me overcomes the social barriers I feel in every day life.There are other options out there,retreats,courses,or for you abrian I think you said your group do coach holidays.

Its early days for all of you and I understand the difficulty's but they can be overcome when you feel stronger,there are alternatives to what you did before that don't have to be lonely. :hug:
Title: Re: Six months
Post by: Hubby on October 18, 2016, 11:21:03 PM
Thanks for the replies.

I can't get the holidays deferred. It's use it or lose it unfortunately. Going away would also be a problem as I would have to arrange something care for Billy and my daughter so my five weeks will probably be spent in the house which is not really where I want to be right now. It's a shame that holidays are no longer something to look forward to but that may change.

I've never really been abroad since I got married. Margaret wouldn't go on a plane or a ship which sort if left us landlocked. I was happy with a week in Blackpool and a week in a cottage. I must say that your hols sound pretty exciting compared to that Karena.

I've had a pretty good day in work. Other than the occasional job that really needs doing I'm still pretty much left to my own devices and I'm using the time to tidy up the depot and get stuff done that needs doing but never gets time allocated to it. I don't think I'll be going back to my normal job on nights hill next year.

I had to break off from work for my monthly doctors appointment today. There was stuff I didn't tell him because I don't want him upping my meds. That would bring me a world of grief from the HR department and I've only just got the go ahead to resume normal duties.

I've promised myself I won't go to the grave alone until I'm better able to cope with it. My youngest is going to go with me tomorrow so I stopped off at ASDA to try and get a cyclamen plant to put on he headstone but they didn't have any. I did manage to get a bag full of whoopsied meat and cakes though.  :azn:

On the way home from there I had to drive past the cemetery and that prompted my biggest cry if the day. I've had a few very short sobs and even this one only lasted ten minutes or so.

Another of my 90% days done. Not the best but a great improvement on the weekend.
Title: Re: Six months
Post by: Emz2014 on October 19, 2016, 07:49:47 AM
Could you plan lots of day trips out during your leave from work? Pack a flask and some snacks, get Billy in the car (your daughter too if she's home) and go exploring. Will get you out during the day and probably wear you out a bit so the eves you'll be happier to rest?   xx
Title: Re: Six months
Post by: Norma on October 19, 2016, 08:03:18 AM
Aw hubby sirry youve not been feeling too good, i do understand what you mean about not wanting to stay hone, especially if youre not feeling motivated to do anything, we do need something to focus on,
The group Brian has joined sounds goid for getting out and meeting new people,  which from our meet in Leeds we know its good therapy.  Not sure tgeres anything like Brians group in your area. Know there isnt in mine but dont know if youve heard of U3A, try googling it and adfing your home  town in, there's loads of different activities on there, i.e social, walking, singing, drama groups. Not sure youre ready fir the Knit and natter or the cake decorating groups though

 :rofl:

But seriously it is worth checking out, take care xx
Title: Re: Six months
Post by: Brian71 on October 19, 2016, 01:53:18 PM
Another option Hubby,  is to drive down to Herefordshire and have a few days with me,  I can show you around the area, and won't cost anything...lol...other than fuel to get down here,  I can even pick you up...would love your company for a few days.

Daughter and 2 girls are coming this Saturday till Tuesday or Wednesday,  after that I've nothing planned...think about it.

A few nice meals out and you can accompany me to one of those social group meetings too if your up for it.   :yahoo:
Title: Re: Six months
Post by: Norma on October 19, 2016, 03:11:34 PM
There you are hubby an offer on the table for you xx
Title: Re: Six months
Post by: Julie Magson on October 19, 2016, 04:13:54 PM
What a lovely offer Brian. :cool:
Title: Re: Six months
Post by: Karena on October 19, 2016, 07:53:49 PM
I think Emz,s idea is good too,but preplan otherwise you might end up not feeling like it on the day,not really having any idea what you actually want to do..and then spiralling into doing nothing.
Another idea might be to take everyone for a minibreak,out of season is usually cheap.haven do midweek four nights half the price of the week,or look at forest holidays or similar for a log cabin just a novelty but plenty of space for little one to play or at haven kids clubs etc .

Nothing wrong with nit and natter Norma although how on earth you concentrate on knitting with nattering and how do you manage two needles with a glass of proseco in one hand and the bottle in the other.crochet and cal would be easier.
Title: Re: Six months
Post by: Emz2014 on October 19, 2016, 08:32:04 PM
Depending on where you're based and what you like, I've found the 'Wild Guide' books good, finding new lesser known places to explore xx
Title: Re: Six months
Post by: Hubby on October 20, 2016, 12:06:57 AM
Thanks for all the replies and suggestions especially Brians generous offer. I may take you up on that at some point Brian but would have to arrange for my daughters boyfriend to stay at mine to look after her and billy.

I don't have a car. I gave it up years ago when I realised that, for the mileage I did, it was cheaper to get taxis than run a car. I could pick up shopping on the way home in the works van and for long distance travel I get 16 days free train travel per year. (I used on to get to the Leeds meet)

Days out sounds a good idea. There are plenty of places I could get to and even tourist attractions here in I have never visited. I don't think the knitting is for me but I could do with learning to darn socks.

Today has been up and down. Bit of a cry driving into work at 6am then the morning went fine. It was counselling day today and I had a cry there. Then I had to hang around the city centre waiting for contractors to finish so I could reconnect a fire alarm. That was difficult. With nothing to occupy me I sat on a bench watching people pass by with the occasional sneaky weep.

I had arranged to go to Margarets grave with my youngest daughter and I bought a nice little rose plant to take. The contractors worked till half five and by the time I got to the grave with my daughter it was dark. I cut the grass with hand shears and generally tidied up as best I could. I was glad I wasn't there alone.

I came home and had a good sob before doing tea.

I'd say it was a 75-80% day.  :undecided:
Title: Re: Six months
Post by: Brian71 on October 20, 2016, 12:32:46 AM
I'm pleased you didn't write it off,  as I would genuinely like to meet-up again with you some time Hubby,   just give me a shout when your up for it and I can pick you, and drop you back afterwards.....I enjoy driving so no problem at all.

It's no Buckingham Palace here,  but I'm sure we can manage for a few days...lol

You take care.....best wishes....Brian
Title: Re: Six months
Post by: Hubby on October 20, 2016, 10:09:06 PM
I don't know about showing you the sights if Liverpool. I haven't visited any of them myself. I really ought to do the tourist trail in my own city. Lol

Today was a fair day in work which took up from 6 am to 6pm. I dropped in at an aunts in the way home and didn't get in till nearly 8 so it was chippy for tea as I couldn't be bothered cooking.

Some artificial flowers arrived that I ordered off eBay for Margarets grave. Three bunches of roses. They looked really good in the photo but three really sorry looking, flattened, tiny bunches turned up crammed into a padded A4 envelope. I thought they seemed too much of a bargain at 99p a bunch.

No real cries to report and only a handful of down moments when I thought I might cry so a tad better than yesterday and heading in the right direction.

Take care
Title: Re: Six months
Post by: Karena on October 21, 2016, 06:24:32 PM
Try spreading the leaves out and leave on a flat surface a few days.they might recover a bit.my daughter makes bridal bouquets up from them I will ask her later tonight if she has any better tips.
Title: Re: Six months
Post by: Hubby on October 21, 2016, 11:00:21 PM
I've tried fluffing them up a bit Karena but they really are quite pathetic. Those Chinese must have some brilliant photographers to make them look like they did on the website. Lol.

Today has been pretty mixed. I was pretty upset when I woke up and had a little sob before setting off for work. Once there I was fine doing jobs all over the place keeping myself busy. I finished in the city centre around 4:30 and walked back to my van through the shopping area. I went through one shop as I wanted to look st some tools I need. I had to walk through a display of Christmas things and I was looking around them thinking how much Margaret would have liked some of them when I burst out crying. No warning, not a sniffle that could be hidden but an all out bawl.  :cray:

People were staring at me and a shop assistant asked if I was OK. (I don't think I looked like I was OK). I explained to her why I was crying and she took me to a store area out of public gaze till I composed myself. I got back to my van and cried all the way home then I was OK again. I even managed to sweep all round the back of the house before having tea and settling down for the evening.

I've managed to wangle myself a bit of easy overtime tomorrow and Sunday and I am on call over the weekend with the proviso that I can refuse a callout if I need to be with my daughter. The boss is happy with that arrangement but I don't think he would be if I didn't turn out to a major failure. Fingers crossed I won't be needed.

Hope everyone has a good weekend or at least some bearable time.

Title: Re: Six months
Post by: Hubby on October 22, 2016, 10:42:02 PM
Not much to report today. I had s job to go in work this morning, came home and spent hours trying to get algae off the yard with a scrubbing brush then went back to work before having tea and s bath.

There been a peppering of crying spells spread pretty evenly across the day but nothing like yesterday's meltdown.

I'm calling it an 80% day.
Title: Re: Six months
Post by: Brian71 on October 23, 2016, 06:38:13 PM
Good to hear Saturday wasn't too bad for you matey,  80% is probably as much as we can maybe expect at this stage,  it typifies most of my days I suppose.

I met a group of locals today who have recently started meeting for walks over the downs, it was at 11am,  only about 8 there, all nice people,  All divorced from 45ish to 64,  again I was the oldest...lol   I didn't join them for the walk, as it was over 3 miles, and it's quite cold here,  so a bit out of the question for me.  However I did join them for lunch at a pub on the downs where they were going afterwards,  I slipped back home and had a nice cup of tea while they were doing their walk.

I doubt I will be going again however as the lady who organizes it,  seems to have a distrust and cynical view of all men I think...due to being married to a bad one as they say...lol.  It was only their second meetup,  she certainly needs to change her mannerism towards members too,   otherwise I doubt many will be going again,  that was the view many had as we were leaving.  So I think I can rule that one out for future social meets.

Title: Re: Six months
Post by: Julie Magson on October 23, 2016, 07:13:55 PM
I so admire you for trying all these things Brian- I just haven't got it in me right now- hope I will get there.
Title: Re: Six months
Post by: Brian71 on October 23, 2016, 07:23:43 PM
Well Julie, it's just me trying to move forwards to that next step,  I suppose it allows me to forget what's happened this year, albeit only for a couple hours.   The truth is of course I'm missing the companionship of my beloved wife.
Title: Re: Six months
Post by: Karena on October 23, 2016, 08:58:59 PM
 :hug: hope the weekend was bearable hubby.Xmas is problematic for a lot of people especially the first one and I guess seeing the stuff brings to the fore something that you are trying not to think about .
Title: Re: Six months
Post by: Hubby on October 23, 2016, 09:46:18 PM
Thanks all.

Brian your certainly a lot more proactive than me in looking for things to occupy you. I don't look much further than the back yard and, like Julie, find it difficult to get motivated as there doesn't seem to be much point to anything anymore.

There are lots of things coming up that won't be the same without Margaret. There are four family birthdays next month which she would have arranged meals out or little parties for but Christmas will be the biggie. If only I could cancel it for this year it would make life so much easier.

Today wasn't bad either. An early start in work with contractors then off to the depot to do my Timesheet and stuff. I was home at dinner time and mowed the lawn the potted up a few small containers with miniature daffodils for the grave in spring. I went back to work to close down the worksite then my daughter took me to the grave. I bought two cyclamen plants and we took fresh flowers.  The flowers in he grave were stil in good nick so I put them on some if the graves that didn't have flowers. When we finished Margarets grave looked really nice. I had to walk off to have a bit of a sob as I don't like crying in front of my kids

I did a curry again for my youngests tea and pulled out all the stops. Proper balti dishes, lime pickle, mango chutney, poppadoms, naan bread, saag aloo. I think they were impressed. I was quite proud of myself. A few hours with my grandson, Oliver, cheered me up no end.

Then a bit of telly and now an early night. Even though I am off work tomorrow I've volunteered to go in and set the worksite up in the morning unpaid. I figure it will give me a reason to get out if bed and I should be back by breakfast time hopefully in the mood to do something about the house.

Take care.
Title: Re: Six months
Post by: Hubby on October 24, 2016, 11:41:51 PM
Really strange day today.

Went into work fine and got myself a maccies breakfast on the way home. I parked up to eat it overlooking the river and had a really bad bout of crying.

When it was over I decided to call in at the tattoo studio. I had a good chinwag with a tattooist over what to get on my ring finger and finally decided on a simple 'M'. My thinking is that a picture could be for anybody but M is for Margaret. I'm quite pleased with it.

I didn't do any particular jobs and just pottered around the house but I did decide to throw some if my old clothes out. While clearing out a drawer I found a handful of photos from throughout our marriage with a photo of our wedding day on the top. This prompted another major bout if crying. Then something really strange happened. I had put the photos on top of the cupboard and I accidentally knocked them on the floor. I gathered them up but I couldn't find the wedding day picture. I looked everywhere and even started to think I had imagined it. Then I opened the drawer I had found them in and found it, underneath all the stuff I had put back in. I'm at a loss to explain how it ended up in a closed drawer underneath a pile of things.  :huh:

There has been a few other cries in the day but, purely because of the two big ones, I'm classing it as a pretty evenly mixed day.
Title: Re: Six months
Post by: Karena on October 25, 2016, 07:45:04 PM
Xmas is difficult,but you will have Oliver and that will make the world of difference.I found my way to deal with Xmas was instead of thinking how awful it will be to carry out the old traditions,try and create some new ones.Perhaps as simple as an afternoon with Oliver,doing a few homemade decorations or a walk with a hot chocolate at the end of it.Something you can do every year,just you and him.
Title: Re: Six months
Post by: Hubby on October 26, 2016, 12:02:00 AM
Thanks Karena. I'm putting Christmas to the back of my mind for as long as I can. It's a good idea to make new traditions though. I'll definitely work on that.

Today has been a wasted day. I woke up and had s bit of a cry then got up and prepared to do a bit more painting outside. The sun was shining and u went out and put my ladders up then a cloud came over so I made a cuppa and waited for it to pass. It didn't and I ended up watching telly all day.

I did go out for a bit if shopping. Bread, milk etc and whe I got to paying for them realised that I had forgotten to take any money with me.  :embarrassed:

I've not really felt anything today though. Apart from the cry this morning I've been pretty emotionless. I don't know if that's a good or bad thing.
Title: Re: Six months
Post by: Brian71 on October 26, 2016, 01:05:40 AM
I must admit Karena I am expecting Xmas to be very bad indeed this time,  just thinking about it is depressing.

My daughters asked me to go down to Cornwall and have Xmas with her and the two girls which is likely what I will do.
My wife always sorted all the Xmas cards and wrapped the pressies for Xmas,  she loved doing it as Mums do. (I just paid for them...lol)...  but this Xmas will be strange doing it myself. (I may just them the money instead this time...lol)
Title: Re: Six months
Post by: Julie Magson on October 26, 2016, 03:55:17 PM
How old are the two girls Brian? This year I am only giving my granddaughters money but I will buy a selection box or some other easy thing to attach the money to. Mine are 18 and 14 so I know they would much prefer money anyway or a gift token for somewhere like Next or Amazon. I will only be writing a few cards just to close family also.
Title: Re: Six months
Post by: Brian71 on October 26, 2016, 04:45:55 PM
My daughters girls are 12 and 5ys,  the 5yr old has spina bifida.   If it were just the 2 girls that's no problem Julie.

However, there are my 2 sons,  their partners,  their children so another 5 grandchildren, making 7 in total, and then there's pressies for the 6 parents (ie sons, daughter and partners)   Xmas is a very expensive time...lol

Ann used to begin buying things for Xmas from around now or even earlier,   she did most of the grandchildren with the odd contribution from me,   while I always gave the adults an envelope at Xmas containing about £100 each,  it used to be £50 in the old days,  but it's risen and risen every year.   Like I said...an expensive time,  this time I may just bung them 30 or £40 again...lol and if their not happy....too bad...lol

Also, as the bank of grand-dad,  IME it's hard to buy one a laptop, and not end up having to buy one for the others too occasionally as they needed them for school.   IOW it was most unwise to have bought that 1st one.
Title: Re: Six months
Post by: Julie Magson on October 26, 2016, 05:32:01 PM
Ah! Could be a tad pricey then! I used to be like that but agreed many years ago that we wouldn't buy for adults at Christmas time , just the children- I think everyone was relieved once the first person suggested it!
Title: Re: Six months
Post by: Karena on October 26, 2016, 06:36:25 PM
Ouch Brian that's expensive.I just allocate a set amount for each then that's the budget I usually have a good idea what they want and they know its not going to be laptop priced. :rofl:
Have to get a head start this year though as I,m going away early December until January so have to leave them with parents.

Got a couple over the weekend at steampunk fair.Thought of you while I was there Julie. :hug:

Christmas cards I stopped doing because I couldn't bear the thought of writing just my name.Most of my friends are on fb so I just made the suggestion that they and I give the money to charity instead,I usually make a few pagan new year ones for those that actually appreciate them.

Hubby I often do that with the gardening see a ray of sunshine leap out of bed then discover its raining by the time I get ready.I was lucky this morning though and managed to walk my guest before it started..He is a strange one,decides whether or not he wants to go and which direction get it wrong and he will just sit down and refuse to move. Maybe feeling neutral is exactly that a chance for the brain and emotions to have a rest for a while.
Title: Re: Six months
Post by: Julie Magson on October 26, 2016, 06:41:22 PM
Ooh steampunk- lucky recipients!  :azn:
Title: Re: Six months
Post by: Brian71 on October 26, 2016, 07:46:34 PM
It is Karena but it's all coming to a stop this xmas.  The laptops were usually birthday presents spread over 3 or 4yrs,   they have all had one now, when it comes to replacements their parents will have to pay.... bank of granddad has run dry...lol

Enjoy the Steampunk Fair....it sounds fun... :yahoo:
Title: Re: Six months
Post by: Hubby on October 27, 2016, 12:26:27 AM
I haven't got a clue about Christmas presents. I used to give Margaret money, then she would ask for more, and this would go on until Christmas Day when she had presents for everybody. I don't even know half the people she got them for. I am going to have to have a sit down with my daughters and make a list and, even then, I know I will miss people off.

Then there is the Christmas card conundrum. Every year Margaret would add and cross people off the card list. It was all very political and beyond my understanding but we would get enough cards to fill at least three strings across the wall. I doubt if I will get enough to fill the mantlepiece this year even if I spread them out.  :sad:

Not much done today again. Morning cry then off to counselling, home for tea then out yo seem ate do gig. Only orange juice to drink as I've decided to go to work tomorrow. No point being at home if I can't do anything.
Title: Re: Six months
Post by: Karena on October 27, 2016, 09:07:54 PM
They're Ann stokes prints Julie.My daughter loves her pictures.

Hubby cards are a bit of a conundrum ,for the sender its wanting to say they care and havnt forgotten about you,but they're not sure whether happy Christmas is appropriate ,and I have seen people here become upset and angry over people doing that,so it is a valid dilemma.That's why I opted out,saving hurt for me and solving the dilemma for them.Good idea to talk to your daughters about the presents but really don't stress about it.You will know the main presents between you and you can always get a supply of chocolates wrap them and keep labels handy just in case you get any surprises.Make sure they're ones you like though so they won't go to waste if you don't find a home for them. :hug:
Title: Re: Six months
Post by: Hubby on October 27, 2016, 11:31:55 PM
I like the idea of the supply of chocolates but I might slip a few bottles of JD in there as well and hope nobody turns up to claim them  :wink:

I had a really long day in work today made worse by the fact that I have somehow got one if those colds that has you bunged up, dripping nose, tunnel vision, dizziness, headache, etc etc. I think it's called ... Man Flu!

But, get this, even though I've been close at times I've not had a single cry today. I even managed to think about funny things Margaret had done and hold back the tears that normally follow.

Of course I'm off to bed now and I know I will have a few tears then but going all day is a big of an achievement.
Title: Re: Six months
Post by: Brian71 on October 28, 2016, 12:30:28 AM
Sorry to hear about the Man-Flu hubby,  hope it clears quickly for you,  also good to hear today was not too bad,  same here too.

I don't think the tears have been too bad for me this week,  I think the last session was Monday or Tuesday for me,  mainly because my minds been on others things more.
Title: Re: Six months
Post by: Karena on October 28, 2016, 06:45:24 PM
Man flue is terrible wrap up and use some of that spare JD to make a hot toddy. :hug:
Title: Re: Six months
Post by: Hubby on October 28, 2016, 09:56:39 PM
Even for man flu this is a bad batch. I went out this afternoon to meet up with some old friends and we went for a meal by the river in Chester. I was feeling pretty groggy to start but as the afternoon wore on I started having terrible dizzy spells. I was meant to be meeting up with some workmates this evening but had to call it off. I've been lying on the settee feeling generally sorry for myself and every time the slightest part of me touches snyghing cold it sets off a crazy amount of shivering.

I have been really tearful as I remembered how Margaret would pamper me when I was like this with seemingly limitless cups of tea and hot toddys. There's nobody to do that for me now.  :cray:

I have made myself a JD hot toddy but it wasn't the same. Now I'm in bed hoping it improves overnight as I have to go into work at seven. Unfortunately there is no way out of it.  :undecided:

Have a healthy weekend everyone
Title: Re: Six months
Post by: Brian71 on October 28, 2016, 10:39:54 PM
Feeling for you matey,  I hope you shift it quickly. :hug:
Title: Re: Six months
Post by: Julie Magson on October 29, 2016, 03:23:19 PM
Sounds like flu which is horrible. Make yourself a flask and some sandwiches and a hot water bottle. Have you had a flu jab at all?
Title: Re: Six months
Post by: Karena on October 29, 2016, 06:42:14 PM
 :hug:sadly its times like this when the missing really ramps up.For me the first time was when I fell down the stairs (sober) and realised that if I had hurt myself really badly i was no where near the phone and it would be 48 hour at least before anyone noticed I was missing.
I try and keep my phone on me all the time now.Even just moving round the house.Its not the same but just keeping pamper stuff to hand for colds flue etc helps.hot water bottle,honey,ribena and lemsip always in stock here.plus Keith's baggy old fleece and a cozy blanket.
Hope you feel better soon.
Title: Re: Six months
Post by: pennyking on October 29, 2016, 10:31:29 PM
Hope your feeling better soon x
Title: Re: Six months
Post by: Hubby on October 29, 2016, 11:13:07 PM
Thanks for all the thoughts.

I've not been offered a flu jab for a few years. I used to get letters but never went. I guess they got fed up with me. I also have to be careful about over the counter medicines. I work on the railway and there is a very strict drug and alcohol policy. All medicines have to be declared and cleared by a chemist service.

I slept really well last night but I woke up this morning soaking wet. I dragged myself to work and stopped aff IT maccies after doing the little job for breakfast. I then parked overlooking the river to eat it where I had a big if a cry.

On getting home I really didn't feel like doing much but I planted up a few containers in the garden while billy played with his ball. When I finished and called him in he was covered in mud from head to toe so I had to bath him. He does not like baths so I have to put a muzzle on him. He tore it up when I took it off him.

Then back to work to close down the worksite and home again to cook steak for tea. I watched telly then having another cry while I went through some pictures.

My symptoms are nowhere near as bad as they were last night. I'm putting that den to the miraculous medicinal properties of Tennesee whisky.
Title: Re: Six months
Post by: Karena on October 30, 2016, 10:40:03 PM
I,m afraid your cure wouldn't work for me .If I got past the smell which isn't likely I,d be comatosed for a week.
Someone did give me a sip of a spiced rum last weekend.Now that (watered down considerably with warm ginger wine ) I would imagine to be a very reasonable anti man flue tonic, maybe I should get some in just in case . :rofl:
Title: Re: Six months
Post by: Brian71 on October 30, 2016, 10:57:18 PM
maybe you should Karena...lol  Yes I can imagine a drop of JD would help Hubby.    I class myself as being tea total, because I drink very little, other than perhaps the odd pint of shandy occasionally.

At the first sign of man flu symptoms,  I'll take a small glass of single malt before going to bed....seems to work for me.  Though I do have the flu jabs,   as our surgery keeps pestering me every year.   Apparently the more jabs they hand out,  so they reach targets, the more they get paid.  (not convinced the jabs work though)
Title: Re: Six months
Post by: Hubby on October 31, 2016, 09:16:05 PM
Thanks for the replies.

Just a quick one tonight as I don't think my cure worked. I feel terrible and have done all day.

I didn't get online yesterday. After work I was going to go to the grave with my daughter but my grandson had a febrile convulsion and ended up in hospital so it was a bit of a panic around the house.

I woke this morning and felt absolutely terrible but went to work. It has got worse through the day and I have a hedache like I have never had in my life. I'm hoping to get s full nights sleep and get to work tomorrow as I don't like the thought of moping around the house without Margaret yo look after me.

I've had a few tearful moments over the two days but, and this will sound terrible, I seem to be too ill to mourn most of the time. All I can think about is how rotten I feel. I feel really guilty about that.
Title: Re: Six months
Post by: Karena on November 01, 2016, 08:58:08 PM
 :hug: hope the little one is OK .
Its tempting to try and carry on through illness just because the idea of sucombing and taking the time needed to rest feels more daunting than keeping going and busy,I  have done it myself plenty of times and in the end it caught up with me .If you don't look after yourself and help your body fight it a 48 hour manflue can end up being much worse than it need have been.Even if you insist on working through it try and feed your immune system.
Title: Re: Six months
Post by: Hubby on November 01, 2016, 10:32:13 PM
Thanks Karena.

Little Ollie is still a bit under the weather but he's laughing and playing now. My eldest had febrile convulsions when she was little. They are scary to see but they are just the body reacting to overheating. He'll probably have more when he's I'll but should grow out if them.

I had a bit of a rocky start this morning but my symptoms have almost all gone apart from the tiredness. It was a long day in work again but no crying. I feel really guilty that I haven't been grieving as much over the past few days. Being ill and Ollie going to hospital has probably kept my mind occupied so I haven't really had time to sit and reflect which is when I get really upset. There will probably be a rebound when I do have some down time but it just feels wrong to me at the moment if that makes sense.

Hope you all have good days this week
Title: Re: Six months
Post by: Emz2014 on November 02, 2016, 08:33:07 AM
I think that's a normal part of grief, feeling guilty if we aren't grieving as much as we were.  But that's normal.  We can't continue to grieve at the same level, we would be truly exhausted (those early stages often are exhausting), when we aren't grieving as much it doesn't mean our love has lessened or that we care any less. It just means we are coping. We can continue to think of our loved ones every day, and in a way which suits us weave them into our lives. (to inspire us to do something, that they would be proud of etc)

You are certainly not disrespecting your memories or loved ones if you are coping better. That is totally normal.  Your love cannot be taken away by anyone and that will still have a fire alive in your heart.  If you don't cry or don't have a bad day, that's OK. The only thing that's changed (or changing) is your grief journey. Your love with Margaret can never be diminished  :hearts: xx
Title: Re: Six months
Post by: Hubby on November 02, 2016, 06:34:24 PM
Thanks emz.

I had counselling this afternoon and brought up the guilt thing. I actually thought I was getting somewhere and could see improvements. Toward the end of the session though I started to get upset and the counsellor could see I was fighting it. She asked if I wanted to stay till it had passed but I said I would be OK. I got to the end of the street and broke down crying right I the middle of the city centre. I hate he way people stare at you when that happens.

When I got myself together I decided to get a card for my daughters birthday tomorrow. Back in my van I filled it in. I was doing well then I got to the 'from' bit. It looks so wrong just putting dad on it. Took me thirty minutes to get over that one.

When I got home I had to and he dog to the vets for his boosters. Sitting in the waiting room I remembered that Margaret had been with me every time billy has been there in the past. Cue another fit of wailing and a well meaning lady asking if my dog was being put down!

I guess that next wave has hit.
Title: Re: Six months
Post by: pennyking on November 02, 2016, 09:00:29 PM
Sending hugs.  Couselling is designed to help you deal with your grieve.   Yes it makes you brake down again and again, but in the long term it will help.  Nothing gets easier overnight it takes a long time.  Don't be hard on yourself.  Penny x
Title: Re: Six months
Post by: Julie Magson on November 03, 2016, 02:06:39 PM
Aw Hubby- I know what you mean both about card and your little dog. :hug:
Title: Re: Six months
Post by: Hubby on November 04, 2016, 12:11:53 AM
Thanks for the replies.

I'm having quite a weepy night.

My day was pretty uneventful. Work, a bit of shopping, I had tea at an aunts house as my daughter went out with her boyfriend for a birthday meal. When they came back my youngest came round with my grandson for a while which was nice.

She told me she had popped to the cemetery to check on the grave as we hadn't gone as planed on Sunday and I can't go there alone. The grave was beginning to look quite neat, the grass seed she had planted was growing well and I had even cut it a few times with hand shears. Apparently it doesn't look neat anymore, there has been a burial in the grave next to it and the gravediggers had just dumped the soil on Margarets grave. The grass is wrecked  and the grave has sunk with the weight of all the soil. I am livid, surely they could have put the soil onto the neglected grave in the other side instead of one that is obviously new and tended.

I've been quite upset since hearing that and had a few cries but trying to answer another post in here really got me thinking about the future and what I have lost and turned out to be the trigger for the big release. I feel a bit better now after the release.

Hope you all have good days
Title: Re: Six months
Post by: Brian71 on November 04, 2016, 01:14:01 AM
Sorry to hear about the grave Hubby,  I agree that's not good at all,  something like that would start me off too.
That post you refer, also got me thinking a little too much also, I suppose my only consolation is the fact compared to some, my future lasted a bit longer,  but now it's ended,  an existence yes...but a future...no.
Today was a low day for me as well for some reason.   Hopefully the rest of the week will pick up for all of us.
Title: Re: Six months
Post by: mike59 on November 04, 2016, 10:45:05 AM
At  one point in time Gail ( my Wife) we used to look after some of our family graves, many time they messed one or another graves up somtimes breaking little angels and things, I actually used to watch them and they are not very careful, sorry hubby you had to go through that its not nice. like you say Brian we are all feeling low and reading somtimes on hear makes you and definately Me Cry my eyes out dont know if its the time of year or how we can realate in a more intense way who knows,I know I cant look ahead at the moment I take each day as it comes, the trouble I feel if anyone shows me kindness or I see somthing thats sad or touches my Heart I absolutely Loose it Floods of tears and my recovery seems to be harder its a more intense feeling, if I won the lottery tomorrow to be honest I couldnt care less, I must be ill lol, anyways thats my bit done hope you All are having better days.


                                                                                                                                       :hearts: Mike x
Title: Re: Six months
Post by: Hubby on November 05, 2016, 09:49:07 PM
Thanks guys. I'm with both of you on he feeling that nothing is worth getting excited about anymore. There just doesn't seem much point to anything.  :sad:

I didn't get online last night. I had a pretty normal day, work, but of shopping, tea, telly. I set if fir bed early but got really upset got some reason and cried for ages.

Today I went to work in the morning then came home, my daughter went out with her boyfriend and I stayed in and got myself upset again. As the house was empty I was able to do s bit if loud wailing and shouting which made me feel a bit better. I then had to go back to work and got stuck in a massive tragic jam caused by people going to see fireworks.

I've spent most of the evening trying to comfort billy who is still terrified despot being doped up on Valium. I've come to bed now as I'm back in work tomorrow.

Have s good Sunday 
Title: Re: Six months
Post by: Hubby on November 06, 2016, 08:39:16 PM
I've had a few big crys today but only myself to blame.

I went to work for a short while this morning and had a coffee in the way home then decided to go to the grave. I had promised myself not to go alone but thought I might not be too upset. I was wrong. There's something about being there unaccompanied that really messes with my head.

After that I went home and downloaded all the photos on my iPhone to my PC. there were over a thousand of them. Mainly work but also photos of holidays, last Christmas. Etc etc. As you can imagine looking through them set me off again.

My youngest then took me to the grave again and it was OK. I spent most of the time bouncing around with my grandson on my shoulders listening to him laughing. I then had to go back to work for half an hour before I went with my daughter, her fiancée and little Ollie to a garden centre. It was brilliant swing little Ollies face light up looking at the Christmas things. At one point I got to thinking how much Margaret would have loved being there and it was very hard to stop the tears but I managed it somehow. We all came home and I cooked tea.

So a mixed day but, for a change, the good memories of it outweigh the bad.
Title: Re: Six months
Post by: Karena on November 07, 2016, 08:34:53 PM
Our local church grave yard is next to the river and the footpath goes through it.Its a nice spot and even though I don't have a grave it is where the funeral was and just along the riverbank is where I planted the first daffodils so I walk through quite often.Once down there in the summer I saw a local family around their dads grave.I think maybe it was his birthday anniversary but they had a picnic rug and food his now grown u p grandchildren and their children were there as well as his widow and children.It was lovely to see.I know that some graveyards have rules and some people might think it was disrespectful but for me anyway I would like to think if I had a grave it would be somewhere people came together to celebrate,not a somber cold place.Which made me wonder if there is any way you could in the future take the sting away a bit and  make it a place with positives for Ollie ,so he will have that positivity associated with his Grandma. So maybe not this year, when its so raw and like I said there may be rules about what you can do but perhaps you and Olly could chose some decorations to take there for her , something fun that she would have liked .
Title: Re: Six months
Post by: Hubby on November 08, 2016, 07:52:41 PM
Thank you very much for the replies.

I'm a bit traditional when it comes to graves. Black granite, wreaths st Christmas,arrangements on anniversaries and fresh flowers. That's about it. I'm toying with the idea of shrubs and flowers in pots I can swap and change around. I don't know why I've got this sticking point with going there alone though. I just know hat it is not a safe place for me to be 

Yesterday I had a pretty reasonable day again. Kept busy in work, finished at six. Did a shop on the way home, cooked tea, made a salad for me and one for my youngest to take to work and made a stew in the slow cooker for today. Then I had a bath and set off for bed and to come on he forum. Unfortunately, for some unknown reason, I got very upset with worries I thought I had dealt with resurfacing and never managed to pull myself together enough to go online.

Today has been pretty much the same. Kept busy in work. Came home but no cooking to do and a lovely stew waiting so I'm taking it easy. No upset ... yet and I'm hoping there won't be.

More good than bad over there days though.

Hope everybody else has had good days.
Title: Re: Six months
Post by: Karena on November 08, 2016, 11:03:26 PM
 :hug: Is there somewhere else you could go perhaps somewhere she loved or you both did where you can still talk too her and reflect.I don't have a grave but someone once said I needed a place to grieve so I have a little place by the river to coin a phrase or rather a song somewhere only I know.I don't know if anyone will notice the spread of wildflowers there its just where I go and what I do.
Title: Re: Six months
Post by: Hubby on November 08, 2016, 11:43:14 PM
I think the grave is about the only place I feel close to Margaret. Where I can talk to her, cry, get angry and generally vent Not only is she physically 'there' but she also used to go there every week as she is in he same grave as her father and her aunt and uncles are in the next grave.

There are other places with meaning but none secluded enough to let everything out without attracting too much attention. I'm hoping as time goes by I will be able to visit the grave alone without it launching me into the depths.
Title: Re: Six months
Post by: Hubby on November 10, 2016, 12:07:09 AM
Usual day in work. Pretty busy. It was counselling day today so I set off at eleven to get there for my twelve o'clock appointment. Driving along I was listening to a Radio four and it was a program where different people were discussing their experiences of being with a loved one when they died.

Common sense would tell me I would find it upsetting and to turn it off but I found myself fascinated by the subject and wanting to know if others experiences were the same as mine so I drove on until the tears started flooding out and I had to pull over. I was so angry at myself for being do stupid as to carry on listening I nearly smashed the radio as I bashed the off button with my fist.

I turned up at counselling already upset and there were lots of tears as well as memories from Margarets final hours that I had blanked out. Maybe it was a good thing I listened, maybe not. I can't decide. After that it was a fairly mediocre day.
Title: Re: Six months
Post by: Hubby on November 11, 2016, 12:12:04 AM
Another mediocre day. A bit tearful this morning but that quickly passed. Managed to keep myself occupied in work and finished too late to be bothered cooking so chippy tea.  :yahoo:

Didn't do anything sfter that and had a little cry but nowhere near as bad as it could be.

They are making me take a day off work tomorrow. (If I work more than 13 days in a row it causes all kinds of problems with HR). Not wanting to sit around moping I've arranged to look after little Ollie in the morning. I'm really looking forward to it and dreading it at the same time. I'll have to keep him amused for hours and not let him out if my sight. I just hope he doesn't need a nappy change. The last one I did was over thirty years ago.  :rolleyes:
Title: Re: Six months
Post by: Emz2014 on November 11, 2016, 08:11:39 AM
Good luck with the babysitting.   :hug: xx
Title: Re: Six months
Post by: Norma on November 11, 2016, 08:20:09 AM
 :rofl:

Poor Ollie, but dont worry Hubby 30 year ago they were nappies,  No pins involved with a nappy change now 
Good luck you will love it xxx
Title: Re: Six months
Post by: Karena on November 11, 2016, 08:30:15 PM
 :rofl:oh for the good old days terrified man with nappy pin in hand trying to hold wriggling baby with the other.Then just when it seems to be all over baby stands up nappy falls off.
Don't worry hubby you will be fine and if all else fails a buggy ride to the park,the long way round can take ages (especially if you walk slowly )
Title: Re: Six months
Post by: Hubby on November 11, 2016, 11:16:43 PM
Thanks all. I used to be quite good with the wet nappies but I have only ever changed one pooey one in my life.

It was when my eldest was a few weeks old and was the first time Margaret wasn't woken first by the baby crying at 3am as she was so tired. I decided to have a go to let Margaret sleep. I undid the old nappy then noticed the changing stuff was about six inches beyond my reach. So I let go of my daughters feet for just a second after all, what could possibly go wrong.?

After we had changed the bed and put the duvet cover in the washing machine Margaret banned me from ever doing it again.  :rofl:

This morning was great. We watched telly, we played, he tried to destroy everything, we went to the market, we shared Banana and vanilla loops then Ollie had a little nap before going home. It was hours of laughter. The only problem was stoping billy from trying to lick him all the time. Much to Billy's annoyance. Only one wet nappy to change and that was taken care of by my daughter.  After Ollie left I was worn out so I had a nap as well.

There were a few sad moments as I imagined how Margaret would have enjoyed being with him but they were soon put out of my mind by Ollies antics.

I havent done much since and I did have a little cry earlier this evening but it's been a day of half frantic mayhem and merriment and half recuperation. Can't wait till the next time.

Title: Re: Six months
Post by: Emz2014 on November 12, 2016, 08:04:34 AM
Well done hubby! :-) Little ones really do help.  If it wasnt for my nephew and niece think I'd struggle alot more with Christmas xx
Title: Re: Six months
Post by: Julie Magson on November 12, 2016, 01:11:33 PM
Good for Ollie- giving you all that joy! I bet you were exhausted!
Title: Re: Six months
Post by: Brian71 on November 12, 2016, 05:51:01 PM
Reminds me of 40yrs ago when Jo our daughter was born,  I collected Ann and our newborn from the hospital, but next day Ann was complaining of pain in the calf of her leg.  Because you were in/out quickly, 24 or 36hrs only,  back then a local midwife or some medical carer used to come and check on you at home, and she phoned for an ambulance to take Ann back into hospital because she had developed a serious thrombosis in her leg.

However the hospital would not allow Ann to take the baby back in with her,   which I know sounds strange...but it's true.    So I had to have the week off work,  and had to care for Jo who was 2 days old, change her nappies/feed etc, and AYS these were the old proper nappies back then.    I remember how worried I was about dropping off to sleep in case I didn't hear her cry,  so I lay on the lounge floor for a few days,  surprising what you can do when you put your mind to it.

Fortunately,  after 5days and pressure from the midwife/carer who had been popping in to check on me,  the hospital relented and allowed Ann to have the baby back in hospital with her.   (Ann could not breast feed our last child, so it was a case of making up the bottle)   I've never needed a lot of sleep, but was frightened to drop off to sleep those few days....lol,  but yes changing and washing nappies was a little daunting, though obviously I'd had a little practice with the 2 boys.
Title: Re: Six months
Post by: Hubby on November 12, 2016, 11:02:19 PM
Thanks all. I don't know how I would have coped with s tiny baby Brian. I have always been terrified to pick them up when they are new born.

I upset myself last night over, of all things, bubble bath. For some reason I spotted two big bottles of the stuff Margaret used to get from Avon. She would put it in the sink when she got a WAH in the morning and it would constantly annoy me that he dink would be full of bubbles afterwards. She had just used it when she suffered the aneurysm. It's been there untouched ever since. I spent quite a while crying and smelling the ruddy stuff.

I've had a pretty long and hard day in work today and done precious little else but no crying yet. I'm really tired though
Title: Re: Six months
Post by: Hubby on November 13, 2016, 11:35:46 PM
Fairly good day.

I had a bit of a lie in, I went to he grave with my youngest, managed to do a tiny bit if gardening before billy got himself so rotten I had to bath him then I managed to do a pretty near perfect chicken dinner. Oliver then had us all laughing for hours with his antics.

After everyone had gone and my eldest went to bed I got to thinking how much I would have liked Margaret to have been there and had a pretty intense cry but I reckon enjoyable days will have a bit of a backlash for quite some time.
Title: Re: Six months
Post by: Brian71 on November 14, 2016, 12:35:25 AM
Good to hear today was reasonable Hubby.

Last few days have not been too bad for me either,  I did have a little cry this evening.  I was watching a drama on BBC2 called Miss Potter,  it was about Beatrice Potter's life, and very good it was too.  It was the sort of thing Ann would have thoroughly enjoyed as she loved these sort of factual based drama's especially drama's like this one, as we visited Hill Top farm,  Beatrice Potters home in the Lake District a couple years ago.  So just thinking about it started me off.
Title: Re: Six months
Post by: Hubby on November 14, 2016, 10:45:38 PM
There are hundreds of things out there ready to set us off Brian. It's like negotiating a minefield where absolutely anything could be a mine.

I was messed about a bit in work today. I could have got more done if left to my own devices but it kept me busy and stopped me thinking too much. I did have a forgetful moment and had to go back into work to put something right. It really was something pretty basic so I guess my mind must have been elsewhere.

I've had a few weird symptoms today as well. Bad Pains in my calf, dizzy spells and a bout of tunnel vision. I think it might be the tail end of the flu I had. My youngest had it st the same time and she says she still has weird bouts.

I have done a lot of talking to Margaret today in down time between jobs. Strangely I had a comforting feeling that she was with me. I did get upset just once and shed a few tears but it was over in seconds. I'm not sure what to make of that.

Title: Re: Six months
Post by: Karena on November 15, 2016, 12:22:34 AM
 :hug: It makes perfect sense to me that in talking to her and drawing her close and by being comforted by the feeling of that closeness,the distress of the emptiness normally experienced is not so intense.
Title: Re: Six months
Post by: Hubby on November 15, 2016, 10:16:17 PM
Sounds about right to me Karena. I can talk to her for quite some time now. It always ends in tears but there is definitely comfort there.

Today was another average day. I didn't sleep too well last night and slept through five alarm and was late for work, nobody noticed, I came home, had tea. I did have my monthly appointment with the doctor which has become pretty routine now.

"How are you?"

"Ups and downs doc"

Then a bit of random chat followed by

"See you next month"

I've had a few cries since coming home. All following the 'conversations' I mentioned. I don't think there's a way to end those conversations feeling happy. Certainly not for me.
Title: Re: Six months
Post by: Karena on November 15, 2016, 11:36:22 PM
 :hug:its still very early days.I wouldn't say the conversations don't end happy but more with a feeling of sad longing rather than tears.But with people who knew him,sometimes we end up !laughing at a memory ,or something along the lines of can you imagine what Keith would have said, in some situation and then smiling in remembering and knowing what he would have said.
Title: Re: Six months
Post by: Hubby on November 16, 2016, 11:49:18 PM
Thanks Karena. I do have the happy memories with my family and people who knew Margaret. It's when I am talking to Margaret, when I'm alone, that it ends with me getting upset. I have started to get comfort from talking to her and find myself doing it more and more. Unfortunately I get to feeling so comfortable it is as if she is actually there, just out of sight. It's when I realise she isn't that I get upset.

I spoke to my counsellor today about it and she seemed to think that it's not a good thing to be doing and that I should limit how much I do it and try not to make it s habit and I tend to agree. When I came home from work this afternoon my daughter was out. I was making myself something to eat and found myself calling to Margaret asking her if she wanted a cake as if she was in the living room which was extremely upsetting when I realised what I had done.

I think it's normal to talk to the person you have lost but not to excess as I seem to have started doing over the past few days

Work was OK today, I only slept through three alarms. I've had a couple of cries but I havnt really had much to keep me busy and my mind distracted. I did manage to get home early and went out with billy for an hour but I couldn't be bothered cooking so it was microwave meals for tea.

I'd say today was a bit down from an average day but not so bad I would class it as a setback.
Title: Re: Six months
Post by: Karena on November 17, 2016, 01:33:49 AM
 :hug:I think maybe its one of the stages of grief.For a long time I automatically made two cups of coffee every time I boiled the kettle.When I moved here I hung his dressing gown up on the back of the door and made myself up a little story in which he was working abroad and I was more than put out that he had left me all the moving to do.
Title: Re: Six months
Post by: Julie Magson on November 17, 2016, 12:28:38 PM
I think we need to do whatever makes us feel some comfort Hubby. If deep down you know it's upsetting you talking to Margaret then maybe it's wrong for you but if you get comfort from it then I don't see how it can be wrong (but then I'm not an expert apart from being in the same position) I talk to Alan but only in my head and when I want to ask him to help me find something or to be cross with him for leaving me in all this do-do!
Title: Re: Six months
Post by: Hubby on November 17, 2016, 11:06:07 PM
I do that Karena. I try to pretend Margaret has popped out to the shops or she's in another room. It works for a short while. Like you Julie also sometimes get angry and shout at her for leaving me. From my time on this site I can see that even though we each grieve in our own way and at our own pace there are a lot of common, or normal, experiences.

I think it is right that we have to get some comfort where we can but this conversation thing is a bit of a balancing act and I think the comfort I get from talking to Margaret is sometimes outweighed by the upset that follows it.

I've had a mixed day today. A busy morning but not a lot to do this afternoon. I did get stuck in a traffic jam and had a bit of a talk to Margaret, followed by a bit of a cry, while I was sitting there. I went to my aunts house after work. While driving home from her house the local radio station I had tuned to was on. Unlike radio four that I normally listen to they were playing music and this set me off. I was driving in the rain in floods of tears. I had to pull over for a while to get myself together.

After that I have been pretty much OK. I'm in work at 6 tomorrow so I'm hoping I can get to sleep fairly quickly now.

Hope you all have decent days tomorrow
Title: Re: Six months
Post by: Julie Magson on November 18, 2016, 10:16:53 AM
You too Hubby- it is strange how there are common experiences in grief and then personal ones isn't it?
Title: Re: Six months
Post by: Karena on November 18, 2016, 11:36:26 AM
We are all different people, different background,culture,situation,so there are always going to be differences but there is this commonality too. I think we see it here because no-where else in our lives do we have these conversations, but also just when you think you really lost the plot and youre going mad you put it down here and some-one recognises themselves or their own similar experiences, so you realise you are not losing it,which was something that really made a big difference to me.
Title: Re: Six months
Post by: Julie Magson on November 18, 2016, 12:39:42 PM
Yes me too KarenaX
Title: Re: Six months
Post by: Hubby on November 19, 2016, 10:33:27 PM
Thanks for the replies. We're all different yet all the same.

Yesterday I had a really long day in work. I was meant to be going out for a drink with my workmates but got home late and was very tired. I got changed to go out but then burst out crying, it just seemed wrong, so I had an early night and went out like a light.

Today I was all set to go to Birmingham for the day and had a short job to do in work. Unfortunately the short job turned into a longer one and I never made it. I got home later and I've had a bit if a lazy day. About the only thing I have done us go out and get some materials for some work I'm doing next week and swept the path. Even tea was ordered in.

I didn't cry today until I was looking through some texts for something. I scrolled back too far and there was a text to my aunt saying "can't come today, Margaret is in hospital, it's pretty serious". You can imagine the effect that had.  :cray:
Title: Re: Six months
Post by: Hubby on November 20, 2016, 10:56:50 AM
Bad day already today.

It's the day of the party Margaret had started arranging for her mothers 80th birthday. Her mother found out about it and said she didn't want a party so it was rearranged as a party for my daughters engagement.

If Margaret were here she would be running around now arranging and coordinating everything and would get herself ready just in time to be at the venue in a new frock welcoming everybody. She would be the life and soul of the party and would be absolutely exhausted when it finished. I can just picture her sat on the sofa in a posh frock with her comfy old slippers on.

Today my eldest is doing the running round.

Me, I'm crying. Non-stop for the past three hours. The whole range from whimpering to full on, face scrunched up, snot blowing, shouting out loud. This is too hard. It's not only the last thing Margaret started arranging but also a day where she would have shone. How can I possibly go there and face people without her?
Title: Re: Six months
Post by: Julie Magson on November 20, 2016, 04:05:06 PM
Oh Hubby  :hug: I hope you can face it even for a short time- there will be people you know and vice versa- easy for me to say I know.
Title: Re: Six months
Post by: Hubby on November 20, 2016, 10:37:51 PM
Cheers Julie

I have had the day from hell. I cried for five hours non stop this morning. Right until I got to the door of the club the party was in. I managed to stop, went in and immediately broke down again in front of everybody there. I did manage to stop and have a bit of a play with little Oliver (he wouldn't leave me alone) the the DJ, who has done family parties for over ten years, played a favourite record for Margaret and nearly everyone there ended up in tears. The whole thing just seemed so wrong without her. I kept feeling I would turn around and she would be there.

It's over now and I think that will be the last family party we ever organise.

I'm now in a premier inn in Birmingham. Unfortunately I got here too late to see the Christmas market while it was open it it looks amazing.
Title: Re: Six months
Post by: Emz2014 on November 21, 2016, 07:58:43 AM
Sending a big hug hubby  :hug: a gathering like that so soon in your journey is going to be hard.  You may find years down the line you can attempt another gathering, it'll be a shame to lose connection with your family otherwise  :hearts:

I went to the bham market last year and really enjoyed it, hope you have some time to see it

Be gentle with yourself xx
Title: Re: Six months
Post by: Hubby on November 21, 2016, 06:49:16 PM
Thanks emz.

The party has broken me. I had a massive cry in the hotel last night at the time I would normally ring Margaret when I was working away. Similarly this morning. I struggled to concentrate on the course and keep tears back. I broke down completely when I got home. I've a feeling I'm going to have a bad week off.
Title: Re: Six months
Post by: Julie Magson on November 21, 2016, 07:00:31 PM
Aw  :hug:
Title: Re: Six months
Post by: Emz2014 on November 21, 2016, 08:54:28 PM
Be really gentle with yourself hubby, if you need to rest, make sure you rest.  It may be a down week, you can survive it and cope again  :hearts:  we are here for you xx
Title: Re: Six months
Post by: Karena on November 21, 2016, 11:21:23 PM
 :hearts: Its a bit like being a kid going the wrong way up a slide,sometimes I think you have to just accept that this week is a bad week and rest from struggling upwards,but they do right themselves and you do get back to climbing the slippy slope upwards knowing that you will slide down again but perhaps not as far next time.
Title: Re: Six months
Post by: Hubby on November 23, 2016, 09:15:54 PM
Thank you all for the replies.

I was too down to get online night. The actual day was a good day. I postponed the job I had planned and went for a day out with my two daughters, my youngests fiancée and little Oliver. We went to the Trafford centre and visited the sea life centre and legoland. It was a really good day out. When I got home I made us all a curry with the leftover chicken from the party. Unfortunately I then went downhill.

Today I was crying from the moment I woke up. It's Ollies first birthday. Exactly a year since I was the happiest man alive and Margaret the happiest woman. We didn't know if our first grandchild was going to be a boy or a girl. Margaret had already bought just about everything that could be bought in neutral colours. She woke me up with a big beaming smile and said "It's a boy. Come on let's go shopping". Next thing I know we're at the checkout of the supermarket with a couple of hundred pounds worth of baby boys clothing. Margaret was so happy just grabbing everything and throwing it in the trolley. What a difference a year makes

I went out to counselling and spent about three hours fitting a new lock on a back door.

It's also my birthday today but it's not something I had any interest in. I wasn't going to get the present I really wanted or even the one card that mattered.

Yes, it's a rough week.

 :cray:
Title: Re: Six months
Post by: Karena on November 23, 2016, 11:38:03 PM
 :hug:
Title: Re: Six months
Post by: Julie Magson on November 24, 2016, 01:41:12 PM
A birthday hug for you Hubby  :hug:
Title: Re: Six months
Post by: Hubby on November 24, 2016, 08:55:16 PM
Cheers for the hugs.

My week off is turning out pretty unproductive. I had planned on cladding s bathroom this week. I really wanted to get an early start this morning. I woke at 7 when the alarm went off and started crying so I went back to sleep. I did eventually start the job at 1 this afternoon but spent so much time moving my tools, getting materials and generally faffing around I only got about s metre of the ceiling done. My target was to do he whole ceiling and one of the walls.

I finished working when it got dark. Luckily my mother in law made pea soup (with the ribs left over from the party) because I wouldn't have been bothered cooking. After tea I started crying again.

Yesterday my counsellor told me that the party and mine and Ollies Birthday would be a bit of a " double whammy". What was strange was that I hadn't anticipated them being a problem at all. I thought I was getting somewhere but this setback is easily the worst yet. I don't think I have ever cried so much and been able to hold the tears back so little.

I'm thinking it will remain this way till I get back to work on Monday and get my mind occupied again.

Take care all of you. I hope your having better days.
Title: Re: Six months
Post by: Brian71 on November 24, 2016, 09:02:30 PM
Sorry I missed your birthday Yesterday Hubby,   so a happy belated birthday anyway.  I know what you mean in that nothing seems very important now including birthdays,  I stopped counting mine years ago...lol.

I've not been coming on the forum so much lately,  I'm trying to wean myself of it a little if I can, as it can trigger a few things for me,  I'm sure you know what I mean,  but it's good to know it's always here if I need it.

I collect my new car tomorrow, and I don't feel any slightest excitement at all this time,  but because my 4x4 VW Tiguan which never saw a single snow flake since I got it new 3yrs ago,  and reverted back to a front wheel drive this time,  you can guarantee Hubby we will have the worst snow ever this year.....sods law...lol.    I'm going down to visit my daughter in Cornwall this weekend,  so I'm looking forwards to seeing her and my 2 granddaughters,  although it's barely 2mths since they came up,  it seems ages to me.

Keep plodding on my dear friends.  'A day at a time remember'......Hope you all have a good weekend.

Best wishes to everyone.............. Brian
Title: Re: Six months
Post by: Hubby on November 24, 2016, 09:08:21 PM
Thanks Brian.

I hope you get a bit excited about your car when you pick it up. Just think of all the fun you are going to have skidding around if we do get snow. lol

Enjoy your trip.
Title: Re: Six months
Post by: Karena on November 25, 2016, 06:46:10 PM
Not much snow in Cornwall Brian.Last weekend was fun,the site we stay on is high up above in the Pennines the road up too it has 1 in 5 hills,is very narrow with double bends and a steep drop off the side..I almost turned back before I even got to the first town it was a proper blizzard,but kept going and managed to get there.It snowed most of Saturday then froze.Sunday it started thawing so we hung round until must after lunch then there was a mass exodus before it froze again.had a good weekend though,but been downhill all the way this week It appears I need a new roof,and next door have really pushed there luck,Their gas vent now goes into my garden no permission not even a please can I.Plus the wall now has a hole twice the size it was which means more p!ants crushed and stream damaged. This is one of the things I hate,people just taking the Micky,Keith would have sorted it but I can't.I will be planting a tall fast growing hedge in February.I,m thinking the compoist heap might get relocated to behind it on their side,and we all know horse manure is good for gardens and I might just know where there is some.

I don't know what it is Hubby I find it takes twice as long to get stuff done in the house,and lots of faffing around goes on.Its even more ridiculous that it seems worse in winter,there are lights. but it seems dark days and nights mean I just can't get motivated.Hibernation would be a good option.
probably sounds odd but I buy myself a birthday present from Keith.Nothing major just something he might have chosen.
Brian I still have his last 20 pound note which I won't spend that way as long as I have it,he is still taking care of me.crazy really,but then I  hzve been doing crazy for a while now.
Title: Re: Six months
Post by: Hubby on November 26, 2016, 01:12:38 AM
I know what you mean about people taking the Mickey Karena. I went to a building site on a neighbouring property to see if there was a joiner who could fit a lock for me. When I got on the site I saw that they were building a new fence grabbing a chunk of land that belongs to me. I've put up with them having their site hut on it for months but now they seem to think the land is theirs. I may have some hefty legal fees in the coming months.   :rolleyes:

Today has been a day if two halves, or rather a quarter a half then another quarter. In the first and last quarters I was in my house and prone to unpredictable sudden bursts of crying. In the middle half I was busy with the bathroom cladding two doors away. Measuring and sawing and rewiring kept me busy and it was fairly enjoyable.

Title: Re: Six months
Post by: Karena on November 26, 2016, 05:16:16 PM
I had a sudden burst of energy today odly too,lots of cleaning has been done.And i finally managed to get out the gubbins that has fallen behind the washing machine.Which was a case of tipping it forward to rest on a rickety stool then still not being able to reach.After several attempts i had a genius idea and found one of the kids fishing nets in the shed.I now have 3 bottles of washing liquid thought i was getting through it a bit quick.I have eldest grandson coming tonight to stop over,until his rugby match tomorrow,so perfect excuse for pizza.TV is playing up only BBC working giving me a choice of rugby or snooker.woopy doo so early on here tonight because his nibs will take charge of the tablet when he discovers this fact
.I wish I had your skills hubby Mrs bodgit is my level.Yes land grabbing has also been a feature with these neighbours only a few inches,but still cheeky,shall I send you some horse manure over too.
Title: Re: Six months
Post by: Emz2014 on November 26, 2016, 08:13:08 PM
Im a bit of a blue Peter fix it gal myself - I'm a demon with the sticky back plastic! 

A clothes hook has been held in the back of the spare bedroom door for years now, successfully just jammed in with blue tack (the hole was too big)  :-D.  And many years ago when I was living alone I put up a small mirror - couldnt find a hammer so I started with a trainer, which didnt work, so used a metal staple gun to hit the nails in, and what people didnt know was that there were 3 nails (incorrect ones too apparently) behind the mirror, 2 went in too wonky and I couldn't get them back out again.  But hey, the mirror was hung - where there's a will there's a way!  :rofl:   (the mirror has since been replaced with a bigger mirror, which is hung correctly)

I can cook, I can craft, I can bodge but diy is definitely not one of my skills lol! xx
Title: Re: Six months
Post by: Karena on November 27, 2016, 04:24:55 PM
I relocated my washing line today which involved tree climbing.(and possibly might annoy the pesky neighbours )  :rofl:
Title: Re: Six months
Post by: Julie Magson on November 27, 2016, 06:31:46 PM
Well let's hope so!   :yahoo: But be careful out there!
Title: Re: Six months
Post by: Hubby on November 27, 2016, 09:12:48 PM
Hi all. Thanks for the replies

I'm not really that good at DIY. I just plod along and make it up as I go. I do get the job done eventually but it's slow going.

I didn't get online last night and TBH I can't remember much of what I did do. I know I did a few more hours on the cladding but then it's a blank.

Today I got up and went for some shopping. I hadn't got any last week and we had run out if just about everything. I pushed my full trolley to the checkout and started unloading it then realised I didn't take my wallet with me.  :embarrassed:

After getting my wallet and doing the shop again I did some more cladding. I've finished a wall but the other wall is crumbling so I have to get a plasterer in to make it solid enough to clad so that jobs stopped. My youngest came in with my grandson and her bloke so I made a madras and had a few enjoyable hours playing. I feel a lot better than I did during the week and haven't cried today.

Tomorrow I'm back in work again so I am hoping to get back to some normality at least during the day.

Take care
Title: Re: Six months
Post by: Hubby on November 28, 2016, 10:47:42 PM
I finally remembered something I did on Saturday. We all went to a carvery to celebrate my, olivers and the mother in laws birthdays. How I forgot that I don't know.  :rolleyes:

Today hasn't been too bad. It looks like work is the key to keeping me from slipping back but I have weeks of leave to take before the year end. I might just let it go.

Work was s bit slack this morning so I busied myself around the depot tidying up which led to me doing probably the most disgusting job I have ever had to do in twenty five years. Suffice to say that some people are animals.

At lunch time I took some money I had collected in work to a local children's hospice but before I could get anything to eat my boss rang and I got all involved in a major fault. By the time I got home I was starving.

I did tea and made a salad for tomorrow for me and my youngest. When I took it next door to her house there was nobody in. She turned up st nine and told me that little Ollie has Ben in hospital. He's had another febrile convulsion, his second one. Poor little fella. I'm really worried about him.

I'm in bed now hoping to get a better sleep than last night. I only had about three hours as I was worried that the latest setback might spill over into work but I needn't have.

Worry really is a useless emotion. I've always wondered what purpose it serves. If something is going to happen then worrying about it will make no difference. If it doesn't happen then it has been a waste of time.  :undecided:
Title: Re: Six months
Post by: Emz2014 on November 29, 2016, 07:56:50 AM
Hope little Ollie is ok  :hearts:

Worry is a hard one isnt it.  Difficulty is our brains like to try to predict the future/what's going to happen - it's our brains job to keep us safe.  Our imagination is strong and we use it to imagine the different scenarios,  all trying to predict how something will be or go.  It's a natural use of our brain but worry can so easily get out of hand or we scare ourselves with imagined scenarios.  I find this phrase helps me:

Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment

As soon as I find myself worrying too much, I consciously tell myself to stop and think of that phrase.  If there's something I can do towards stopping the worry (something practical)  I will, otherwise I tell myself that worrying is not going to change and then focus on relaxing

Hope your day goes well xx
Title: Re: Six months
Post by: Karena on November 29, 2016, 08:40:37 PM
Emz is right,but I also find I worry more than ever before,I guess I have very few people left to lose and that plays a part,but also sometimes its difficult to find a distraction from it,maybe worrying is a distraction from grief, but also like me you have been shoved into the role of head of house,the buck stops here,and its pretty scary especially if there is no one to re assure or even discuss stuff with.
I hope Ollie will be OK, My eldest grandson had really bad fits for a few years,but now at 12,he is not on meds and apart from some absences no fits.He plays rugby, rides a bike  does OK at school and does all the normal kid stuff.that boys love to scare their family with.The other 3 boys all have had issues that have driven me mad with worry occasionally I try to focus on things I can do to help them and their parents and try to come up with practical solutions where I can but it doesn't always work.
Title: Re: Six months
Post by: Hubby on November 29, 2016, 10:16:08 PM
Thanks again for the replies.

I am worrying a lot lately. I never used to worry about anything until about ten years ago. It might be something that comes with age.

Today was a normal day in work, no real problems. Unfortunately I got a bit upset on the drive home and I think I went through a speed camera a bit too fast while thinking about Margaret. That's something to worry about because work is having a big safety blitz on driving and there are rumours of people being sacked for speeding. That may sound a bit harsh for going a few miles an hour over the limit but that's the way our managers are at the moment. I'll just have to wait and see.

When I got home I had forgotten that I had contacted British Gas over a quote to replace my 30 year old back boiler. I had to take the surveyor all round the house which was embarrasing as its a complete tip. Before I knew it I had signed up for the work to be done in January. I know I could have got a lower price elsewhere but I just want it done without any hassle. I worry that it's a bad decision but I can live with it if it is.

Little Ollie has a cold or something which is probably responsible for the high temperature that caused the fit. That is a worry. My eldest had febrile convulsions when she was a tot and she went on to have epilepsy which put an abrupt end to her work prospects. It's a terrible shame as she has a law degree and was just about to start her legal practice course to become a solicitor. The college of law couldn't accommodate her disability (but they did keep the £4,000 deposit she paid on the course).

It may be that the convulsions had nothing to do with the epilepsy she now has. Her first fit was when a 'boyfriend' slipped her some drugs without her knowledge. I still worry for little Ollie though.

Anyway enough worries. I've been upset today but not cried. Compared to last week it's much better. I must try to stay more focused on things though and not allow my thoughts to force their way in.

Take care
Title: Re: Six months
Post by: Hubby on November 30, 2016, 04:33:45 AM
It's nearly 4:30am. I can't sleep. Since Sunday I have only had about four hours. It's affecting my ability to think straight.

Earlier I turned over in bed and said "I'm so tired" before raising my arm to put it around Margaret and realising she's not there and never will be again. How could I forget losing her after 8 1/2 months? It's like losing her all over again. I've also been on the internet looking up hanging again.

I've emailed my boss asking for the rest of the week off on leave. I think I've had enough sick leave this year. Now I'm going to call the Samaritans again.

This is really hard.  :cray:
Title: Re: Six months
Post by: Emz2014 on November 30, 2016, 09:18:08 AM
Oh hubby  :hug: this rollercoaster is so horrid.  The lack of sleep is bound to be making it harder too.

You're doing so well, you've just hit one of the bumps/lows on the journey.   You have us all here when you need us and remember your grandson. Use the support like the samaritans whenever you need, this horrid phase will get easier, only look for temporary solutions.  Those easier days will come again, be gentle with yourself.  :hug:  :hug:   it won't be easy but try to eat well, give your body the nutrients it needs to help you through this emotional challenge

Sending a big hug.  :hug:  and saving a proper hug for you for one of the meet ups xx
Title: Re: Six months
Post by: Julie Magson on November 30, 2016, 01:51:31 PM
Hello Hubby. How do you feel this morning? You sound to have really hit the troughs last night. It's hard- especially at that time of the morning. You've had good days though so you know they are possible and there, somehow, probably in seeing little Ollie's face.   :hearts:
Title: Re: Six months
Post by: Karena on November 30, 2016, 06:56:10 PM
 :hug:I can  see why you would be worried,but inherited epilepsy is fairly rare.such a shame your daughters career has been ruined by it,that's very unfair.
I hope you are feeling a bit better now,sleepless nights are awful and sadly part of the course,And its not just the nights they create brain fog in my case make me really forgetful so functioning during the day is also impaired.

I still rely on 4 or 5 hours a night and i know its not enough and not healthy but i cant force myself to sleep.Rather than lie there with a head full of negative thoughts i find it helps to read,In the early days the dog got dragged out for walks at some very odd hours,even this last summer i,ve been sat in the garden at ridiculous o clock.It used to be TV but I,m trying to kick that now.

As the others have said keep spending time with Ollie as much as you can get as he does seem to be your ray of light.

You have climbed out of the pit a little way before and you can do it again,each time you do , you gain a little more strength climb a little further and the falls back down become a little less severe.
Title: Re: Six months
Post by: Hubby on November 30, 2016, 08:15:49 PM
Thanks all. It means a lot that you took the time to reply.

Last night was very hard. I rang the Samaritans and the first time they were busy. I got through on the second attempt but the person on the other end told me it was a bad line and they could hardly hear me, probably because I was trying not to wake my daughter, so I ended the call. Thankfully I then got really tied and fell asleep.

I woke after about four hours and couldn't get back to sleep so I checked with my boss how much leave I have left. After this week I have 9 days so I'll be using that up rather than going off sick again.

I went to counselling and the counsellor pointed out the glaringly obvious thing I had failed to notice. Three months ago I had my dosage of Prozac halfed with a mind to coming off them. I managed quite well on that dose. Six weeks ago I stated taking one tablet every two days. It takes a while for any dosage change to kick in with Prozac because of the way it works. The counsellor said she noticed I seemed to be going downhill a month ago and have got worse so it could be the effects of cutting the dose that's knocking me backwards. Couple with the triggers last week it has been the perfect storm.

I made an appointment with my GP and explained to him and he has put me back on the full dose to build up the levels again. Hopefully I will then be able to sleep and get back to work.

After that I went to The local shop and met a friend we went to his house and had a cuppa and then took our dogs for a very long walk. Far better than sitting  in the house.

My youngest has heard I am off work and wants me to have Ollie in Friday again so that's a bit of happy time to look forward to. My eldest made my tea which was also a nice surprise.

I'm hoping I've got a handle on the situation and maybe can get back to where I was.

Take care all and Thank you again.  :hug:
Title: Re: Six months
Post by: Julie Magson on December 01, 2016, 10:10:56 AM
Wow- that really makes sense re the Prozac Hubby. I also managed to get myself down to half a tablet (citalopram) every other day 2 years ago, but am now back up to 2 tablets a day to help.  Was thinking about you yesterday.  :hug:
Title: Re: Six months
Post by: Emz2014 on December 01, 2016, 09:22:25 PM
Its also difficult that when you start to cut down some antidepressants the side effects they cause when coming off/reducing is often incredibly similar to depression symptoms and can make it feel the depression has come back/makes it harder to do

When I first tried coming off my tablets I ended up off sick as I felt so unwell. Second time i was able to approach/manage the side effects better.  In the end I had a rough couple of weeks and after that improved again

 :hearts: xx

Title: Re: Six months
Post by: Hubby on December 02, 2016, 01:06:33 AM
Thanks for the replies.

I would probably be off sick now if I didn't have a massive amount of annual leave to get shut of. I should have realised it was cutting down the tablets that was bringing me down as the past few weeks have been much tougher than any previous setbacks.

I took the full dose last night and I slept like a log. In fact I slept well into the afternoon and I think I needed it. My head has been much clearer.
I took the dog to the vets and made tea (when I'm down I can't be bothered cooking). I even made a start on tidying the front room which was very upsetting at times. There were lots of little 'booby traps' in there to set me off. Things I didn't want to see and things I wanted to get rid of but couldn't bring myself to. A lot of stuff I had to hide away or just arrange into piles to deal with another time. I gave up halfway through but you can see some improvement in the room.

Lots of tears yes but not as bad as I have been over the past week just doing nothing
Title: Re: Six months
Post by: Julie Magson on December 02, 2016, 02:35:21 PM
What I've done about that is got a small box/basket and put those types of things in that and put it somewhere where I'm not looking at it all the time, the stuff I can't yet throw but didn't want to see.
Title: Re: Six months
Post by: Hubby on December 03, 2016, 12:15:29 AM
Thanks Julie.

I've got a memory box I bought off the internet that I keep little mementoes in. I can't remember what is in it and I still don't feel strong enough to sit down and go through it. The things in the front room aren't the sort of things I want to keep but then again I don't want to get rid of them either. There's the birthday presents from ten days before she collapsed, Valentine's cards she had kept, some of her favourite clothes and day to day stuff that I should just throw out but it was Margarets. I think I shall have to take a step back and tell my daughters to sort it and be ruthless or I will never get rid of any of it.

I had about six hours sleep last night. I've had Ollie round all day today. It was real fun the only downside bring billy wanting to lick him all the time. We went to the local market where I got some really nice artificial poinsettias to put on the graves for Christmas and then we played for hours. I did get a bit upset in the afternoon thinking of how Margaret would have loved being there (and made s better job of feeding him his lunch than I did). When he left I was worn out.  :smiley:

All I've done tonight is Hoover a big upstairs and get chippy chips to go with some ham for tea. I'm hoping to get a good sleep tonight and do some more cladding tomorrow.
Title: Re: Six months
Post by: Karena on December 03, 2016, 09:40:21 PM
 :hug: I had to move so had no choice but to go through stuff but very little didn't come with me.The day I moved I hung his dressing gown on the back of the new bedroom door.But things like wedding photos,CD,s etc that I couldn't cope with I put away until I could.Please don't feel you have to part with anything now,you will know when and if to let things go.I have managed to over the years recognise that I can detach from some things and not others.That dressing gown by the way is still there.
Title: Re: Six months
Post by: Hubby on December 03, 2016, 10:55:34 PM
Thanks Karena. I have a pair of Margarets PJ's hanging on the bedroom door. I doubt they will ever go. The things that confuse me are things like her second favourite dressing gown. It wasn't even her favourite but I can't bring myself to get rid. Similarly there's a photo frame set someone got us for our pearl wedding anniversary. I always hated it and would willingly have thrown it in the bin. Not now  :undecided:

I had a good nine hours uninterrupted sleep last night. A bit of a cry this morning then launched myself into the cladding job again. I think another day will see the job completed as much as it can be until the plasterer turns up.

My daughters boyfriend has turned up which means they have spent all day in her room watching films. They ordered their tea in so I made myself a nice prawn curry with egg fried rice for my tea. I also got some nice whoopsied cakes to spoil myself.

Apart from the cry this morning there hasn't been much upset but I am getting some strange thoughts running through my head. They all seem to revolve around there being some way Margaret can come back. I know she can't but the thoughts keep popping into my head. Something to bring up in counselling methinks.

Take care.
Title: Re: Six months
Post by: Karena on December 04, 2016, 03:55:42 PM
 :hug: maybe things like second best dressing gown and frames could go in a box or a suitcase in the loft so you havnt parted with them but don't keep falling over them.
Title: Re: Six months
Post by: Hubby on December 04, 2016, 10:28:33 PM
Thanks Karena. I think they will stay where they are for the time being.

I had a good sleep again last night. Got up pretty late and had a bit of a clean around. I went to Margarets grave with my youngest and dropped in at hers on the way home for a cuppa. Then they came to my house and I had a bit of a play with Ollie before doing another curry for tea.

I had a few little moments but I managed to hold them back and I'm just relaxing now. I'm back at work tomorrow but off the rest of the week. My eldest is going to do me a list of people I should get cards for and I think I'll do a Christmas shop one day in the week.

All in all not such a bad day. I think increasing the meds may have done he trick.

Title: Re: Six months
Post by: Julie Magson on December 05, 2016, 01:03:51 PM
Fingers crossed they are having an effect Hubby.
Had you thought of maybe buying scratch cards or lottery tickets for people? A lot easier for you.
Title: Re: Six months
Post by: Hubby on December 05, 2016, 09:53:20 PM
Thanks Julie. I think they are doing the job even though I want to be off them as soon as possible. I've been taking them for over five years and I think I was in a bit too much of a rush to give them up.

Today has been fine, I had a relaxing day in work where I was left to my own devices and managed to crack on with a few outstanding jobs. I'm off the rest of the week.

I did a bit if shopping on the way home and went to the cemetery. Not to Margarets grave, I don't go there alone and certainly not in the dark. I went to my granny's grave and tried to clean the stone. I got it s bit cleaner but the marble is discoloured from the algae. Any tips on cleaning white marble appreciated.

When I got home I had to root round to try and find some Christmas wreaths. Margaret always put hen away and I can't find them anywhere. The search had me in places I would rather not be looking and I had a few cries there, pretty intense but short lived. I've just been out to do a shop for s neighbour and now I'm winding down.

I suppose it's one of those 90% days.
Title: Re: Six months
Post by: Hubby on December 06, 2016, 10:36:42 PM
Quite a good day today.

No crying. I got up and fed a neighbours dog while they are away. I went to the opticians to be measured up for my new safety specs, went to the cemetery to try and clean my grannies grave a bit better in the daylight then came home and cooked my forst joint of meat, A nice piece of pork (I didn't cremate it but the crackling was the saltiest thing on earth). After that I put a few christmas decorations in the window then made a stew in the slow cooker for tomorrow. No rush, everything at a slow steady pace.

One thing I am delighted to report is that, for the first time, I had a memory of Margaret that made me happy without getting upset afterwards. I see that as a major milestone and thought it would never happen. :smiley:
Title: Re: Six months
Post by: Emz2014 on December 07, 2016, 08:25:37 AM
That's great to hear. I know how it's so so hard at the beginning to think that could even be possible.
Just slow steady baby steps, a subtle gradual journey  :hug: xx
Title: Re: Six months
Post by: Julie Magson on December 07, 2016, 09:25:09 AM
Oh Hubby- you sound to have had a much better day- well done you X
Title: Re: Six months
Post by: Hubby on December 08, 2016, 11:26:15 PM
Thanks for the replies. Monday was a good day.

Yesterday wasn't so bad either. I went into town and had a look around the shops before my counselling. I did get slightly upset in there but it wasn't anything major. After that I got all my Christmas cards. My eldest daughter made me a list of who I have to send them to. I was going to get some gifts but I couldn't choose anything so I'm going to have to have a think. I'll probably end up running round like a headless chicken the last shopping day before Christmas as usual.

When I got home I just had a relax but at bedtime I got pretty upset and didn't go online at all.

Today I've been carrying on with the cladding job. I've done most of it but the little fiddly bits are taking forever and keep going wrong. I'll get there in the end. I've just had a little cry now but that's the first if the day.

So two days the majority of which was bearable. That can't be bad.
Title: Re: Six months
Post by: Julie Magson on December 09, 2016, 01:16:13 PM
Do you not fancy the lottery ticket/scratch card route Hubby? There is no way I could even contemplate shopping and wrapping this year so it's money from me and they will just have to understand (which they will).
Title: Re: Six months
Post by: Hubby on December 10, 2016, 07:27:42 PM
Thanks Julie. I might go down the scratchcard route or even just cash but shopping at least gets me out even if I don't actually buy anything.

I went to the market yesterday and put more lights up I one of the Windows. They are all full of lights now. I've got more decorations to put up but my heart isn't really in it so I'll do them as and when. I made a stir fry for tea. After that I went out for a drink with my workmates and got slightly hammered.

This morning I paid the price for the drinking and couldn't really do anything till well after dinner time. I wrote my Christmas cards which was quite upsetting then I made a start on tidying the bedroom. Deciding I needed more drawer space to store stuff I emptied Margarets chest of drawers into bin bags and carried them downstairs but I couldn't throw them out. It felt like I was throwing my wife in the bin and I broke down crying. My daughter put them out for me. The bedroom is half done but I can't bring myself to do any more today.

I've just done mince and mashed spuds for tea. In getting better at knocking up food. I think I'll just watch telly for the rest of the night.
Title: Re: Six months
Post by: Hubby on December 11, 2016, 10:29:26 PM
Another lazyish day today.

I went to the cemetery with my daughter this morning with some Christmassy arrangements. That was OK. I did a bit of shopping then some housework when I got home. It's amazing how much fur one tiny Jack Russell can spread round a house in a week.

My daughter, her fiancée and little Ollie came round for their Sunday tea as usual. Curry again (it's easy). I have put lights up in all the windows and decorations. My heart wasn't really in it but I did it for Ollie and he made it all worthwhile with the way he stared in amazement and demanded to be carried from one decoration to the next for closer inspection (and tasting lol) After that I just had a bit of a rest.

I've had a few moments where I have been sad but I kept it together.

A mediocre day.
Title: Re: Six months
Post by: Emz2014 on December 11, 2016, 10:40:22 PM
Awww little ones bring the light dont they :-)  :hearts:  I took my nephew and niece to see Santa on Saturday, was so cute :-) xx
Title: Re: Six months
Post by: Hubby on December 13, 2016, 12:32:08 AM
They certainly do Emz. I do feel sorry for the little fella though. He is going to miss out on so much love. I do my best but can't even come close to what Margaret could have done.

It was work today. Timesheet and pottering about the depot. I managed to kit out a container with industrial shelving and move a load of equipment into it so it was quite productive. (I also managed to break the solar lighting I fitted the other week but I will be able to fix it)

On the way home I got the sherry for the local pensioners Christmas dinner. It's in the hall across the road from my house and Margaret used to insist we took two bottles over as it made her happy to see them coming out with a "rosy glow". It became a bit of a tradition and it's one I'd like to keep going.

I also dropped in at my aunts for tea (my daughter had to ping a meal for herself). I had a bit of a lie on the settee when I got in as I didn't sleep to well last night. I have had a little cry but only for a few minutes.

Another bearable day.
Title: Re: Six months
Post by: Karena on December 13, 2016, 09:35:49 PM
Glad things seem to be picking up a bit for you.What a lovely idea with the sherry and a really good idea to keep up that tradition.I think its a really positive way to tackle Xmas,to think in terms of how even though its going to be a struggle for ourselves ,making it better.  for others any way we can .Glad Ollie made it worth the effort with the decorations.
Title: Re: Six months
Post by: Hubby on December 13, 2016, 10:59:30 PM
Thanks Karena. I wasn't too sure about carrying on the sherry thing as Margaret was friends with a lot if them and it might cast a bit of a cloud over their celebrations but I think not giving it would have the same effect.

I was off work today.  Billy woke me up after numerous attempts tenting me awake with different toys. My bed was covered in hem when I finally gave in.  I took him out for a walk and then took another trip out to take more stuff to the charity shop but most of he day I had little motivation to do anything. I just sat with the telly on thinking about Margaret. I hate it when I get in that frame of mind.

I went out again in the afternoon for my routine doctors appointment then I fell asleep on the sofa. I think I fell asleep just to stop myself thinking too much and upsetting myself. After tea I just watched rely again.

I've got work tonorrow so hopefully I can get myself going again.
Title: Re: Six months
Post by: Karena on December 14, 2016, 08:33:42 PM
Hope tomorrow is a better day,sounds like Billy is a proper little character.I,m out in the wilderness from tomorrow so won't be online for a while unless you can pick up smoke signals.Currently the thing plaguing my sleep is not a. Cute dog but a whining mossie.that I can't see to swipe. :angry:
Title: Re: Six months
Post by: Hubby on December 15, 2016, 09:55:22 PM
Hope you enjoy your time in the wild Karena. Same old same old for me.

Yesterday was a long day in work with nothing unusual happening. I did fit a plastic owl that I had in the garden at the depot just for the hell if it. After tea I did nothing but managed to get a bit upset at bedtime and didn't go online.

Today I woke early, went back to sleep and didn't wake up till 5!!!

Other than cook tea I haven't done a tap yet I'm still tired. That's two days doing nothing at home.

Hopefully I can get myself motivated soon.
Title: Re: Six months
Post by: Hubby on December 17, 2016, 12:02:48 AM
Well today wasn't the day for motivation.

I went to the local market this morning and put up some more decorations this afternoon but that's it. Couldn't even be bothered cooking tea so it was the chippy.

On the way back from the market my daughter had to pop into the chemists. As we had billy with us I sat outside with him. It was just like when I would sit outside waiting for Margaret except Margaret is gone and I burst into tears. I wish that wouldn't happen.
Title: Re: Six months
Post by: Hubby on December 18, 2016, 12:36:50 AM
Another fairly unproductive day. I had to stay in for some friends who were coming round. I have only seen them once since I lost Margaret and thought they might stay a while but they didn't.

I tons long walk to a retail park and got some presents for my daughters then a long walk home. Tea was from the chippy again and then telly. My daughters boyfriend is down do they were in her room watching DVDs from about eight leaving me alone downstairs. Oh and I put the Christmas trees up.

I've had a fair few cried today. One took me back to feelings I thought I had dealt with months ago.

I guess Christmas is going to be hard.
Title: Re: Six months
Post by: Hubby on December 18, 2016, 09:42:34 PM
And another.

I did get to the cemetery with my daughter which upset me a bit. I did a shop and an hour in the garden then made tea and had a couple of hours with little Ollie.

I think it's Christmas coming up but I keep having little bursts of crying. As well as that some things have become really important to me. I'm trying to remember all the things Margaret would have done for Christmas and keep remembering things which then become almost an obsession. Tonight I remembered some little 'snow baby' ornaments that meant a lot to Margaret as she got them from an aunt who had passed away. I turned the house upside down trying to find them, got really upset when I couldn't then, after a lot of panic, eventually did find them at the back of a cupboard. Crisis over.

I think I've done everything now.
Title: Re: Six months
Post by: Emz2014 on December 18, 2016, 10:51:23 PM
I've had that happen to me before, searching for something that means alot and a terrible panic/flood of emotions when you can't find it which makes it even harder/more urgent to find it. 
Sending a hug.   :hug:
I think at this time of year it increases our emotional level, there's always an underlying feeling of rushing or pressure and we need to remember to take time to stop and be calm.  Some relaxing breathing exercises could help. They help me when I feel that way xx
Title: Re: Six months
Post by: Hubby on December 19, 2016, 11:14:30 PM
Cheers emz. I think my emotions are running s bit High but only when I am at home.

I got up late for work today but I had a long day in which was pretty uneventful. On the way home u stopped off at a mates for a few hours then did s bit of shopping. It was half seven when I finally got home. I did tea and made a stew for tomorrow then sat down to relax and then started crying.

I've got s course tomorrow then I am off work till next Wednesday. I'm not looking forward to it and would prefer to be in work. There are just too many reminders around the house.

One really strange thing that happened over the weekend that I forgot to mention was a weird thought that popped into my head. It was only fleeting but should never have occurred at all. Sat in the settee, with photos and reminders al around me I found myself thinking was Margaret real or had I imagined her? I find it quite distressing that I could even think that and feel pretty guilty about it. I have no idea where that one came from.  :undecided:



Title: Re: Six months
Post by: Emz2014 on December 20, 2016, 06:30:50 AM
I think that's a normal experience in bereavement, our minds are still processing everything and during that process it comes up with those thoughts/worries. I remember a sudden fear I had forgotten my dad's voice. And also on occasion feeling was any of it real

Maybe its a normal brain function, I know I also had that on occasions when looking at holiday photos - knowing I was there but also a weird unreal feeling that it hadn't happened/wasn't real. I can only think it must be due to time elapsed and the way our brains work.  Such a powerful organ which can certainly be weird and unhelpful at times!

Be assured that feeling/weird thought will pass. Nothing will take any of your memories and love away

Have you got any hobbies you can do during your time at home? Something to focus your attention. That may help for the times you're at home. I have found when I have been through really challenging times spending time drawing not only focused my attention but it also helped hours to fly by xx
Title: Re: Six months
Post by: Karena on December 20, 2016, 08:25:47 PM
 :hug: back from the wilderness more about that tomorrow,but just to say hubby I walked down a mountain yesterday and cried every step of it.I also wish it wouldn't happen but even now it does,if I,m honest I think it has too, or we just bottle it up,try and distract when really the emotion just needs to escape.although its a long time since I got caught out like that,I felt better for the long cry.
Title: Re: Six months
Post by: Hubby on December 22, 2016, 02:00:35 PM
Thanks for the replies. I'm sure I have forgotten Margarets voice Emz. I just can't pictured it for the life of me. It is my biggest regret that I never made any recordings of her. I have four short video clips with her on but none have sound.

I'm pleased you made it out of the wilds Karena. In a way your experience is like a metaphor for the journey we are all on. I think you are quite right about the emotions needing to come out. A good wail does seem to ease the pressure.

I've had a strange few days. Weird thoughts and up and down from one minute to the next. I've been pretty upset at night so I haven't been online.

On Tuesday I did a bit of a course for work but that was finished at 10 so I did a bit if window shopping in the afternoon and had another go at cleaning my grans headstone.  Yesterday I had my last counselling session of the year and finished off my pressie shopping. I'm not getting any special food in or anything.

I think I'm ready for Christmas now. I'm looking forward to seeing little Ollie with his presents. For the rest I'll probably be 'going through the motions' as another poster aptly put it.
Take care all.

Title: Re: Six months
Post by: Hubby on December 26, 2016, 01:37:06 AM
Hi all. I'm glad today is over.

I can't remember what I did on Friday. I know I went to the market in the morning with Billy but the rest of the day is blank.

Yesterday we went to Margarets grave with wreaths, festive arrangements etc and it looked really nice. That was quite upsetting. A friend asked me out for a few drinks in the evening but I drank too much and ended up absolutely plastered.

Of course I woke up this morning with a bad hangover. This rapidly turned into me feeling really sorry for myself and just wanting to stay in bed. My daughters finally persuaded me to go next door for Christmas dinner and my youngest did a really good job of it too but I just couldn't get in the mood. Little Ollie was a joy but everything just seemed so wrong without Margaret. I haven't even opened most of my presents yet.
Title: Re: Six months
Post by: Hubby on December 26, 2016, 06:31:08 PM
Today has been a little better than yesterday. A few cries, especially when I woke up.

I saw Ollie before which gave me a few laughs. I finished opening the presents. Someone bought me a bubble gun which had Ollie laughing his head off and billy going absolutely mental.

I did a piece of pork for tea and it turned out really well. I felt really guilty about it because Margaret would have loved to have her Boxing Day tea cooked for her but I never did it. There are so many things I would have done differently had I known what was going to happen.

Title: Re: Six months
Post by: pennyking on December 26, 2016, 08:36:53 PM
Sending hugs.  Not easy to get through but we do it somehow. 
Think there are plenty of things we all would of done differently.  I'm sure she's looking down very proud on you for doing it.
Take care x
Title: Re: Six months
Post by: Hubby on December 27, 2016, 11:41:53 PM
Thanks penny. I think she will be looking down on me telling me to pull myself together.

My daughter dropped Ollie off this morning give me to look after while she hit the sales. I had a few cries thinking of how Margaret would have been over the moon to get him to herself for a few hours but also had many laughs with him. I was quite relieved when he fell asleep after four hours as I was worn out.

The holiday has been harder than I thought it would be. There really has been a huge dark cloud that has overshadowed everything. This was Margarets time of year, a time when everybody experienced the love she had to share.

Tomorrow I am back in work, only for a day before the new year but it will be a break from being in the house. I'm hoping I can put Christmas behind me now.
Title: Re: Six months
Post by: Julie Magson on December 28, 2016, 02:07:44 PM
Yes this holiday gas been like that for me too. I went out to lunch but found it so hard to put a smiley face on for others and couldn't wait to get home, then I felt alone again! I don't understand that at all!
Title: Re: Six months
Post by: Hubby on December 28, 2016, 05:15:39 PM
You've touched on something there Julie. It's the loneliness. Even when people are around I feel alone. I just feel like hibernating.

Rotten day today despite work. My van was iced up and wouldn't start so I had a two hour wait for the AA To come and jump start it. Margaret would have got up and made a bacon butty for me if she were here. She isn't so I made do with a cup of coffee and a cry.

I got into the office at ten thirty and there was only one other person in. They left at twelve and I was alone again. So I had a coffee and a cry. I stopped off at my aunts on the way home. She was out. So I sat, alone,  in the van for an hour then came home.

I'll probably pong something for tea and have an early night.
Title: Re: Six months
Post by: Julie Magson on December 28, 2016, 06:55:48 PM
It's all just so frustrating. Today has been one of the worst I've ever  experienced so far sitting sobbing and wailing and all I want is my hubby's arms round me. I'm hoping tomorrow it'll be easier for us both.  :hug:
Title: Re: Six months
Post by: Karena on December 28, 2016, 07:57:38 PM
 :hug: I hope so too for you both.I do get what you mean about wanting to be out when you are at home and home when you're out,either place feeling just as lonely.
Title: Re: Six months
Post by: Hubby on December 29, 2016, 09:30:59 PM
Thanks for the replies.

This holiday period has been a lot harder than I imagined. The tears and loneliness just come from nowhere and it's not little sobs either. Even when I'm not crying my eyes out I am constantly thinking about Margaret and longing for her.

I said I felt like hibernating and today I practically did. I couldn't be bothered getting up and stayed in bed till tea time. I've already had a fair few cries since getting up. Reminders are everywhere, decorations, programs on telly, food, music ... it seems everything has a memory attached. I guess it's the time of year for reflecting on things but, to be honest, I don't want to think about this year. I just wish it were over.
Title: Re: Six months
Post by: BT on December 29, 2016, 09:50:43 PM
 :hug:  I feel they same way, it has taken its toll on me too.  I really miss my mum, christmas has brought to light the big hole that my mum left in my life when she died.  One day at a time..
Title: Re: Six months
Post by: Hubby on December 31, 2016, 12:06:15 AM
Thanks BT. I'm sorry to hear you are also feeling down.

More if the same today. A lot of tears this morning. I did manage to go out to a nice pub in Chrster with a couple of friends for a meal but I don't think I was the best of company. I held it together but I wasn't really 'all there' if you know what I mean.

After getting home I did manage to have a little laugh at some memories  with my daughter and mother in law but, inevitably, there were more tears.

On the positive side there's only tomorrow night to get through and hopefully things will then start to get a bit easier.
Title: Re: Six months
Post by: Deb63 on December 31, 2016, 02:18:01 PM
 :hug: Hubby
Title: Re: Six months
Post by: Hubby on December 31, 2016, 08:22:30 PM
Thanks Deb.

Today's been really rough. Spent the morning crying in bed. Got up feeling about as low as I have ever felt. I managed to do a bit of essential shopping. The tumble dryer finally gave up the ghost so I tried to fit the new one I ordered last week only to find all the fittings were different and I won't be able to get any till Tuesday.

Got upset again so I thought 'in for a penny' and got my memory box out. I cried floods but I feel better for it now. Fireworks are already going off and my dog is terrified despite being full of Valium.

What a year. Started as happy as I have ever been in my life. Ended about as low as I can imagine being.  :cray:

Title: Re: Six months
Post by: Deb63 on December 31, 2016, 08:39:01 PM
I am so sorry to hear that Hubby :hearts:  ..sending huge hugs to you  :hug: :hug:
Title: Re: Six months
Post by: Karena on December 31, 2016, 09:53:33 PM
 :hug:also sending hugs.For me tonight is all but over in this time zone,but I,m listening to fireworks and remembering the last few new years eves sitting in the dark holding a shaking dog.Now he has gone too,that will never happen again,but this year I havnt been sitting alone either,but just got back from a BBQ,so although there is sadness I am also determined that those new years eves are going to be put behind me from now on.We do not leave loved ones behind at the turn of the year but carry them forward with us in our hearts and memory's through all the years ahead .
Title: Re: Six months
Post by: Brian71 on December 31, 2016, 10:17:22 PM
Well said Karena.   :hearts:

Best wishes and hopefully a much better new year.
Title: Re: Six months
Post by: Deb63 on December 31, 2016, 10:18:22 PM
Absolutely...🙂
Title: Re: Six months
Post by: Hubby on January 02, 2017, 02:35:07 PM
Thanks for the replies.

I'm really struggling. Yesterday I didn't get up till after lunch. I felt close to tears all day. Ollie came around but even then it took quite a while for me to pick up.

Today I just can't get out of bed. I'm having panic attacks again, difficulty sleeping and some very dark thoughts. I've been at this point before but not in months.

I want her back.  :cray:
Title: Re: Six months
Post by: Deb63 on January 02, 2017, 02:37:51 PM
 hubby  :hearts:  :hug:  to you
Title: Re: Six months
Post by: Julie Magson on January 02, 2017, 02:40:08 PM
Ooooh Hubby- it's very daunting at the moment isn't it? I'm not getting up till very late in the day which is great while I'm in bed listening to the radio or nodding on and off to sleep but I KNOW it will make me feel worse once I get up. That is going to be my biggest challenge to myself this year. Back to the docs maybe?  :hearts:
Title: Re: Six months
Post by: Hubby on January 02, 2017, 02:52:07 PM
Thanks again for the thoughts.

I think the problem might be that New Year's Eve has made me think in terms of years rather than the one day at a time way of looking at things. I can just see this vast expanse of bleakness stretched out in front of me. I need to get back to the here and now but I can't.

 :hug:to you all
Title: Re: Six months
Post by: Brian71 on January 02, 2017, 07:21:42 PM
I'm not out of the woods myself yet, far from it,  as for staying in bed this is something I still do occasionally, today was one of those days as it was after 2pm when I managed to drag myself out of bed, though for me it is happening less frequently.

I was concerned to read your still getting those dark thoughts my friend. :sad:  I think the first stage of bereavement is the grieving stage which can be anything from months to years.  The second stage is the 'acknowledgement'    IOW acknowledging and accepting your loved one has gone,  and the rational part of me knows I can only move forwards when I finally accept she is no more and no matter how much I long for her to be by my side again it's never going to happen,  I truly wish it was possible.

Somehow we have to overcome all these emotions or indeed they can lead to self destruction.   I empathise because I've felt like that many times I can assure you,  remember I'm the silly old fool who once tried to hang himself one night a few weeks after Ann passed away, and there's been times I wish I had succeeded.   Your not alone I still occasionally get those feelings,  but I try and push them out of my mind.

It's 9mths for me on the 4th and about a month longer for you Hubby,  and I know only too well it's still early days,  but we have to try and accept what's happened and believe me I know that's' much easier to say than do,  because if we don't endeavour to accept and move forwards there's a high risk those dark thoughts that many of us have experienced become reality and our lost loved one would never want that and to cause the family more pain is not right either.

I myself am socialising more,   I've joined the local Bowles Club and being a ex-serviceman the Royal British Legion.   It has all helped me form a little more social life and there is no doubt it's also helping me to cope.   Of course there will always be tearful times, as I will NEVER wish to forget, ANN WAS MY LIFE, you cannot wipe out 49yrs with a click of the finger, though some doctors seem to think you can.
 :hug:
I wish you all much strength,  I hope Phil things get better for you my friend,  this is one of those difficult patches we get, hopefully it will pass quickly.

Best wishes.....   Brian
Title: Re: Six months
Post by: Deb63 on January 02, 2017, 07:41:35 PM
Hi All.. its at times like these when you see someone suffering so,not to be able to reach out and hug them.I lost my mom January last year and even now i still visit those dark places in my mind,and the just wanting to sleep my life away,i feel that if i sleep most of the day it shortens it,they seem so long.
After she passed i just didnt want to be here,didnt want to live without her she was such a big person in my life,and has left a huge void,one that will be there till the end of my days im sure.
I have family around me,but not the same bcoz its not her,as bad as that may sound.We were a very close family,but now my brothers and myself havent met and spoken in a while,we know mom will be brought up,and i dont think any of us know what to say really.
It got so bad for me last year,and i was so desperately engulfed in grief,that in August last year i had a heart attack :( and im sure mom was there with me the whole time,pulled me through it..i just kept saying to myself *stay with me mom*.
i still have low,sad days where i just want to sob until i cant sob anymore..ive never felt such an ache or so much pain,even now.
I would love to hug you Hubby,tell you its ok, im thinking of you :) and hope you have sunshine days real soon :)  :hearts:
Title: Re: Six months
Post by: Hubby on January 02, 2017, 10:05:26 PM
Thank you very much for the replies. It means a lot to me that people understand that I am having as difficult a time as ever after nearly ten months. Most people I know think I should be getting myself back together by now and, truth be told, I thought that myself.

Before the holiday I really thought I was getting somewhere. While I had setbacks there were strings of days where I coped pretty well and the good days were getting much easier. This past fortnight has turned everything on its head.

It's not only Christmas and new year. I had a lot if leave to take from work and that has meant I have been out of contact with other people. In the later years Margaret and I only really went out together or with family occasionally and mainly kept each other company so it's very lonely in the house. My eldest daughter is here but my relationship with her is nowhere near what I had with Margaret.

I know that I need to find things to do to get out and meet people but I'm in a difficult position. Work is awkward even while I am still on day shifts as I don't know from one day to the next what time I will be finishing. If I get to go back on nights that is even worse. Add to that the fact that I will have to go back on call at some point and it makes it really difficult to schedule anything regular. On top of that I can't go away anywhere without making plans for my daughter and dog then there's all the stuff Margaret used to do about the house that takes me forever.

It's like everything is stacked against me finding a way to go on at the moment.

Tomorrow I am back at work if I manage to get myself together enough. I'm hoping I can quickly get back to where I was before the holidays, muddling along. Once my head is a bit clearer I might be able to make a few changes and see how it goes.

Thank you again for your kind replies. I hope you have many better days ahead.

 :hug:
Title: Re: Six months
Post by: Hubby on January 03, 2017, 11:14:41 PM
A bad start this morning. I had to drag myself out of bed and felt really low. On the drive into work I had to pull over quite a few times on the edge if tears. I sat outside the building in my van for twenty minutes getting myself together. On getting into the office the usual "did you have a good Christmas?" questions were being asked. I didn't bother with the mask which probably made a few of them feel awkward.

I launched myself into mundane manual jobs that didn't need much thought but kept me occupied and out of the way. Then things started getting better. I went back in the office and cracked on with some computer work and gradually got back into the swing of things. After lunch me and my boss went out to a few meetings over a major project. By the end of the day I was in pretty good spirits and that has lasted all evening.
Title: Re: Six months
Post by: Emz2014 on January 04, 2017, 09:17:30 AM
The return after Christmas can be hard.  I had an interesting moment yesterday, at the mini kitchen getting my coffee, a woman i know a little comes along (i know her enough for chit chat).  She sees I'm still getting over a cold, tell her I had it over Christmas and she then asks if my partner caught it, i tell her yes, then she asks did your dad get it?   Why on earth that was a logical question I have no idea, I refrained from a response of 'would be difficult as he's passed on' and just said no and thankfully managed to extract myself from further discussion.  I know she'd be mortified if she realised the truth and what she had said, she overreacts/can be dramatic so I couldnt face that.  Anyone else I'm not sure i could have withheld a jokey or sarcastic response - I guess first day back, early start etc lowers the patience/ability to continue the mask

I dont think winter helps much, when the spring starts to break I think it will help a bit, lack of sunlight does make a difference.  Sending a hug  :hug: xx
Title: Re: Six months
Post by: Karena on January 04, 2017, 06:30:12 PM
 :hug: letting go of Xmas and new year helped me,it doesn't mean not doing the family stuff but being on the outside looking in at someone else's celebration if that makes sense.I follow the pagannew year which is not about the end of something but about the return of the livht as days grow longer, it is a reminder that life happens in a circle not a line with beginning and end, so when our journeys with loved ones take us separate ways it doesnt mean that we will not one day meet again in another cycle.
This journey is also  about moving in a circle of moving forwards then finding ourselves back where we started but in time just as the light turns we learn to accept the dark bits knowing that time in the light will return even without them here physically to share it.
Acceptance is not just accepting they are gone,but accepting our grief for them cannot be rushed or buried under distractions ,but will always be part of our life,a gaping hole that can't be covered over,but can be built around in time.

Title: Re: Six months
Post by: Hubby on January 04, 2017, 10:54:28 PM
Thanks for the replies.

I know it's hard to hold back when someone says the wrong thing. I remember when I told a contractor I had been off because Margaret had died and soon after he said "Do you still miss her?". :huh:  My answer was "yes" but inside I was screaming 'What kind of stupid question is that?"

I also think the lack of sunlight along with cold weather doesn't do us any favours. Celebrating the return of light sounds s lot better than Christmas. Maybe they should move Christmas for the bereaved to May (or Australia).

Today hasn't been bad at all. Work was work and I had a counselling session which went pretty well. It made me realise that my setback over the break was down to a combination of many things and that I have to find ways of filling the space in my life Margaret used to fill without 'throwing myself into work'. I've been looking at the night school courses starting next week but there's nothing that I really fancy doing. I don't feel like signing up for a course in eyelash tinting just to meet people. That would be a little too desperate even for me.
Title: Re: Six months
Post by: Hubby on January 05, 2017, 10:54:45 PM
I had a really good day in work today. There were only a few times when I felt a bit down. I managed a shop on the way home, cooked a nice tea and spent a few hours taking the decorations down and all without a single tear.

I cannot believe the change in my mood since Tuesday morning.
Title: Re: Six months
Post by: Brian71 on January 06, 2017, 01:06:59 AM
It's good to hear things are improving a little for you Hubby... I hope it continues,  there will still be the odd bad one that's inevitable,  but in time those will hopefully become less frequent.   :hug:
Title: Re: Six months
Post by: Karena on January 06, 2017, 05:53:51 PM
I think you would look lovely with tinted eyelashes hubby  :rofl: glad you are feeling better. My post disappeared but what I said last night was firstly,just looking for courses or other out of work activities is a step forward.and maybe if nothing local appeals have a look at futrelearn courses,its online but you get to chat to other students all ages from all over the world and the work still occupies your mind,its also free so you can dip out of a course if you don't like it do more than one and skip around all the different subjects ,so you might find a completely new interest you didn't know you had,and also good exercise to give confidence to study if you do find something live.
Title: Re: Six months
Post by: Hubby on January 07, 2017, 11:50:21 PM
I did find a course I was interested in but I was too late for the registration.  :sad:

I'm going to start another thread now as his ones getting a bit long.