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Offline gailn

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New to the group
« on: December 04, 2019, 04:44:49 PM »
Hi
I lost my mum in May. A sudden illness, took her within 3 weeks. It was an enormous shock.
The end was very traumatic, due to inexperienced and very lacking palliative team.
I’d lived with her part time, and we were the best of friends.
There are no words to describe the rollercoaster I’ve been on since her death.
Suicidal has been the major feature, with fear and anxiety running in the background. I have no interest in living without her.
I’ve tried counselling, I’ve semi retired, I’m doing volunteering but have too many hours now on my own,  in my own head, so to speak.
Is keeping busy the way to go, or is this just a way to avoid the pain. Is it better to surrender to the suffering? What experience have others had ?
Thank you

Offline Sandra61

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Re: New to the group
« Reply #1 on: December 05, 2019, 12:50:23 PM »
Hello Gail,

So sorry to hear about your mum and the pain you have been going through since you lost her. Sending you a welcome hug.  :hug:

My experience is not very different to yours. I lost my mum in 2017 after a six week illness. I had been her carer and lived with her for most of my life. The following year was an ordeal of worry, weeping and desolation. I had a complete meltdown about six months after I lost her and I knew then I was at rock bottom and had to do something to prevent myself sliding into depression. I found it helped to make a plan. At least it gave me something to work with and some direction in my life. I also knew I had to do something to take me out of myself and force me to think about something else in order to survive, so, not knowing if I would be able to keep the house or not, I made plans for the different scenarios according to what might potentially happen. I also looked for a class to join so that I could meet new people and have something to look forward to doing each week and to get me out of the house, which I find to be very important in combatting grief. I find this has served me well.

I did manage to keep the house and am sticking to the plan I made for that scenario and it is currently still making sense to me, so I am sticking with that. The class I joined was my salvation! It did force me to think about something else and got me talking to new people and I made some lovely new friends there, who have been more of a support to me than any counsellor or relative, come to that! We text and call outside of classes and having intended to only go to the class once a week, I now aim to get there three times a week when work will permit! It has brought joy and fun back into my llfe and I find that counter-balances the on-going grief journey that I still succomb to at times. It gives me a reason and the strength to keep going. I still have something good in my life.

I also found in the early stages that it helped to have flowers around as they cheered me up a bit and to go for walks in the park. I could sit on a bench there and try to process all that had happened, whilst still knowing from the many inscriptions on the benches from those left behind who dedicated a bench to the memory of a lost loved one, that love does not die and  that we hold those dear ones we have lost forever in our hearts and will never lose that. I still go to the park quite often and it still helps.

The interest I took up was one my mum shared, so in a way, I feel I am continuing that for both of us, so that helps too and without it, I fear I would have slipped down the slippery slope and might never have managed to climb out of the grief pit again.

I suppose what I am saying is that, in my experience, you have to find ways to help yourself fight against the worst effects of grief and work out strategies that help you do that. No one will help you like yourself! You have to fight against the effects of your grief by building a new life for yourself. You can't bring back those you have lost, so you have to accept that what happened happened, but you can realise that they would still want the best for you, but also that it is up to you now to make that happen. Wherever they are, they will still love us as much as we still love them. They will have made the most of their own lives and would want us to do the same with ours, so in trying to find a way to be happy and fulfilled, you are honouring their love for you and the good memories they left with you and taking all of that forwards into a new and different future, but they remain part of you and therefore part of that future, even if only as a memory. In truth, though, I find they remain more substantial than that too. I can hear what both my mum and dad would say if they were here in certain circumstances and what they would advise, so they are still with me, at least in my mind.

You never stop grieving for them or missing them, but you have to find a way to move forward and you don't leave them behind. You take them with you, because you must, because they will always be a part of you. That's how I see it anyway. I hope some of this helps.

Wishing you well.  :hearts:

Offline Karena

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Re: New to the group
« Reply #2 on: December 05, 2019, 01:35:29 PM »
I think Sandra has summed it up very well - grief is a rocky road but one we have to travel - i cme here after my husband died but lost my parent before that.I think with my mum that grief was brought back later she would have been the person who would have got me through the later grief but she wasnt here either -
When she died i also had a feeling of overwheming fear because no matter how old you get, somehow your mum is in charge and now suddenly i was the oldest person left in my familly and now i had to be in charge and step into those shoes - she wa a very small lady but the shoes to step into were huge.
While she was ill she stayed with us and she loved to watch brids in the garden so we set up feeders so she could watch them from the window. After she died my husband created a little corner of the garden - with the feeders and a fountain he made and a little shelter surounded by her favourite plants he made if for me somewhere to grieve but it was also somewhere i could relax and have a little chat with her i would take my pre work early morning coffee and sit out there as though i was sitting with her -after he died i had to move but recreated that corner in the new garden with his favourite plants added and a planter which has lasgane type bulbs in plus a winter rose and then different annuals so all year round there is something in it to cheer me up and remind me how lucky i was to have such special people love me. But in those last weeks she also passed to me her love of wildlife and that passion she handed to me has seen me through some very bad times since.
There isnt a right way to greieve but as Sandra said you can move forward step by step but you never have to leave them behind - and like her i am convinced it isnt just in our memory but something more than that.  :hug:

Offline gailn

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Re: New to the group
« Reply #3 on: December 06, 2019, 08:39:26 PM »
Hi Karena and Sandra,
Firstly can i offer my condolences to both of you.
Thank you both so much for your compassionate replies to my post. Lots of your thoughts resonated with me, and it’s true, you do feel unready to step into their ‘huge shoes’, I still need my mum and may always feel this way. It was a comfort to read that my fear is a normal reaction.

You gave me a lot to think about, and the bird feeder idea hit a note for me. My mum inspired me to feed the birds in my own garden and we’d always watch them together when I stayed at the family home. In the Spring I’ll create a space to sit, I currently don’t have a special place as I’ve planted a memorial rose for her, but it’s near our family home 30 miles from where I live. I can go there once it starts to grow. We have ashes to deal with as well, but neither me or my brother are ready for that yet.

I’m thinking about night school, I also might try and go back to my choir after Christmas. Singing has been a challenge, as it’s so emotive, but I’m thinking now that I need to try.
I baked a cake today, and talked to her while I baked it. I tried a cake she loved to do, in a weird way, it did help.
Thank you both for helping me on, although your messages made me cry, I’m feeling a little better today, and will re-read them when the cloak of grief is too much to bear ❤️

Wishing you both some peace and hope for brighter days 🌻



Offline Sandra61

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Re: New to the group
« Reply #4 on: December 08, 2019, 12:47:21 PM »
Hello Gail,

Thank you for your kind wishes. They are much appreciated.

I understand what you say about the ashes. It took my sister-in-law about four years to decide what to do about them and even then, found it very hard to scatter them. In the end she did that on a beach where she and her sister used to spend saturdays with their mum having fun when they were little. She felt her mum would have had happy times there and would have liked to end up there.

In a similar way, I have revisited some of the places I went to for days out and holidays with my mum and although it made me feel sad to go back on my own, it also made me smile at the memories I have of having gone there with mum and it helped bring back the memories of the things we did and the happy times we spent there. It did help and helped me focus more on those than on the miserable weeks at the end of her life, which do seem to blot out any other memories for such a long while after you lose someone. But those weeks, when you look at it rationally, only make up a fraction of the time the person you lost spent here and you have to remember that the majority of their time was probably much happier and full of smiles and laughter, so you need to find ways of resurrecting memories of those to blot out or at least balance out the memory of the horrible last weeks that remain so sharp during the early months of grief.

Making the cake sounds like it helped with that. Well done for doing that! I bet you were thinking when you were eating it what she would have said about how it tasted or the quality of the texture etc.It is in these little things that you find your lost loved one still uppermost in your mind and still with you in spirit. I was doing a household job that involved using some of my dad's old tools a few weeks back and I could feel him looking over my shoulder with an amused smile on his face, overseeing my efforts to do something he would have done instead if he had still been here.

Oddly, I have a portrait of him that I never liked much when he was alive as he looked rather severe in it. Now though, when I look at it, he seems to be smiling at me and more sometimes than at others! My brother has noticed it too. I have it hanging near the door along with a nice photo of my mum and whenever I go out, especially if I'm off to do something nice, i tell them where I am going and when I am likely to be back and invite them along if it's something I think they might enjoy too. A bit mad perhaps, but I feel like they hear me.

I am having some building work done at the moment that I planned with mum when she was here and put on hold after I lost her and wasn't sure if I would be able to keep the house. I recently found a little drawing she had done in the back of a diary of how she would have liked to see the kitchen rearranged and it did give me a little boost to think she would have approved of my getting on with some of the work needed. I would swear my dad's portrait is smiling a bit more too. He would have been impressed as well!

Sometimes I find little feathers around where there is no obvious way they could have got there. I am coming to understand that these can be sent by our lost loved ones to show they are still nearby. This has happened quite a few times now and usually after something particularly upsetting has happened or I have something challenging to do. I didn't know anything about the feather theory before I lost my mum, but now I find myself looking out for them and am beginning to be able to recognise which ones might be meant for me and not one just lost by a passing bird! The other odd thing that happened a few months after mum died, was that a robin flew into my conservatory one morning as I was making coffee and just perched for a few minutes looking at me. I am told visiting robins can be sent by lost loved ones too and it had never happened before nor has it since, so I do think that was connected with mum too. After my dad died, quite a few odd things happened that I associated with him too, so I think our lost loved ones do continue to watch over us. Everyone will have their own theories on that of course and you may not believe in life after death, but I found these incidents significant.

I looked for a choir to join when I was looking for an activity to take up as mum and I also liked to sing and she had belonged to a choir, but couldn't find one suitable near me, so turned to different activity instead. I agree with what you say about it being emotive and like you, feel I might have struggled with that. I hope it helps you though and do encourage you to go back. It is these kinds of things that help dispel the feeling that you have no interest in living without your mum being around anymore. I think we all feel like that after the loss of a close loved one. I know I did. If you can find something to do that you enjoy and that takes you out of yourself, out of the house and makes you engage with other people and makes you enjoy yourself, if only a little, though, this really will help. I know it has helped me no end and still does. It made me feel like I had begun to build a life for me again and found a way forward in building a new way of living for me in my altered circumstances. If there is anything you have always wanted to do, but haven't, this is the time to try to make it happen. You will find you can feel what your mum would think about that in your mind and maybe what she would say about it. If nothing else it will give you both something to talk about when you do see her again, if there is an afterlife! I bet she wouldn't be very pleased to hear you spent the rest of your life being miserable, so you will be doing it to please her as much as yourself.

Keep working on being positive and finding ways to cheer yourself up, if only for a few hours a week, Gail. It does take time and there will always be ups and downs. I have just come out of a couple of weeks of feeling low, but have come to understand that these periods do end and I will feel better for a while again, so once you have a little list of things that make you feel better, keep going back to them to help you raise your spirits again. Also, some days, it is an achievement just to get dressed and do the household chores, so congratulate yourself for managing those when you can. It can help too to make a little list of good things you have seen or experienced each day, even if it is just seeing  flower or stroking a cat; something ordinary and everyday that nonetheless gave you a little pleasure. I didn't make a list, but I do keep a diary and write down such things in there. This is something else I have carried on for mum really. I never kept a diary before, but she always did, so now I am doing that to carry it on for her.

It does help to write down each day how you have felt and anything good that has happened, even things that were not so good. I wrote a couple of poems after mum died to express how I felt about it all and that helped get those feeling out of my system a bit. I know some people write a letter to a lost loved one if they have unsaid things they wanted to say to them and they find that helps. Perhaps this is something you could try. There is something about putting pen to paper that helps you offload feelings that would otherwise weigh you down.

Keep trying, Gail. Life is for the living and you have to make the best of it. Sadness will always be part of it, but doesn't have to be and shouldn't become the only thing in it. Loss is unavoidable. None of us lives forever, so we have to find ways to prevent losses from overwhelming us in grief. Keep looking for those combatting tools, Gail and slowly you will find a way to live with your grief and counterbalance it, so that you can still enjoy your life. I know it doesn't seem possible now, but you can still do that. There will always be good and bad days, but gradually the good days will be more and the bad ones grow less as acceptance of the loss and the knowledge that you will always miss your mum becomes part of what you grow used to living with.

Keep going, Gail. Little steps, every day. You will find a way forward.  :hug:

Offline gailn

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Re: New to the group
« Reply #5 on: December 15, 2019, 09:03:35 PM »
Hello,
Thank you for taking the time to write again.
I have taken to re -reading your messages on a bad day. A lot of your thoughts have helped me a lot and I’m trying a diary, I think it does help to write and let go of the over - whelming feelings.

I now have visitors staying over Xmas so have no where to hide. Life is forcing me to do it, even though it’s hard.
I’m looking into getting a dog in the spring, it’s on my bucket list, so now I’m not commuting to Leicester caring for Mum, I’m planning on getting that sorted. I’ve heard from a lot of people that it can help a lot.
Thank you again for your generosity of spirit, helping others when you have your own pain and loss....
Very best wishes to you
Gail x ❤️

Offline Karena

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Re: New to the group
« Reply #6 on: December 16, 2019, 10:57:51 AM »
Its one of those weird things about grief - you dread the empty house situation but then when its full,  look for some private space.
 I found i do that with everything not just at home - but at work and when i,m out - somewhere i can take a deep breath and gather my senses back up - i am definitely one of those in the kitchen at partys - not that i go to partys but metaphorically at least - so already for the staff xmas dinner on friday (which i dread but feel obliged to attend) its in a new place we havnt been before so i have googled with the little man as my friend and know where to head to get out of the way for a bit if i need too. I guess by now that isnt just grief,but me being phobic on the social front - something that  has always been there but i didnt notice so much until there was no one left to hide behind.
Conversly you would think hiding means being understated but  i have also discovered if i dress in a slightly eccentric way (for me)  i can hide behind that like a different persona - a hat or a dress - something not normal for me to wear - (normal is usually casual and black/grey ) I am seriousely thinking of bright red hair streaks on friday to the point i have bought the dye (lol) 

We already had a dog and he was an amazing comfort in part because he need to be cared for and i was the only one there to do it so it gave me an incentive but also because he wat much more my husbands dog than mine - as he was wth him all the time so it wasnt just a case of go for a walf fed and cuddle i had to come up with ways to get hime to adapt to me being boss - (actually thats pretty laughable i was never really boss he knew exactky hw to get round me - but boss enough to make sure he wasnt out of control )    -sadly he is no longer here -and initially i thought i wont get another for a while because i would always be making comparisons and now i dont think that i ever will, -  but i do have other peoples when theyre on holiday or need a temporary home for some reason.
 
Its certainly worth thinking about for you -as they are not only lovely companions but also a good way to socialise people will  speak to you in passing and if you did training school or something like it then thats another way to meet new people - the focus is on the dogs so it isnt like some of the more difficult to break the ice scenrios.

Are you thinking rescue or new (be careful of puppy farm type breeders if new )  - some of the rescue places have fostering schemes so the dogs are not in the kennels for too long or if their kennels are full  -so maybe you could sign up to foster then adopt the dog if it works out with you - one of my part time dogs came from doing that - she had fostered a few before Rufus, but this one stole all hearts in the familly so they adopted him.

I currently have three rescue fish (1 parrot cichlid, one healthy faiground goldfish, - one blind goldfish)  (dont ask) A rescued partridge  who will go back into the wild in spring - and formerly resuced now free but hanging around, a pigeon ,a collared dove -and  the children of a formerly rescued blackbird oh and not forgetting  a hedgehog in the shed who will also go back out in spring -and as i got a chicken coop for the partridge  i am thinking i might get a couple of ex factory farm bantum chickens to fill it when he has gone. (free eggs, free manure -  definitely not for meat ) - (be warned once you rescue one thing people bring you more because suddenly you are an expert  :whistle: )

Christmas wont be easy it never is but often people find the anticipation is worse than the day itself - but i would certainly consider having a bolt hole in mind so you can recoup for a while if it all gets too much. :hug: