BEREAVEMENTUK SUPPORT FORUM
Bereavement Support Posts => Please Post In This Bereavement Support Posting Room => Topic started by: Twinkle on December 19, 2017, 06:49:03 PM
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Since losing Mum I am just getting worse rather than better,I I lost her in August, suddenly and was a massive shock, now I don't know how, or even want to carry on, my husband whom I do love is a drug addict and was really close to Mum but has gone right off the rails, my siblings do not feel the same as I do, I looked after mum these last few years and I miss her all the time, with Xmas coming it's even worse, I have a plan when mum's stone is down I will join her and Dad, I just don't want to do this anymore
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Im afraid grief is not a linear path, it's a rollercoaster and can be so challenging and painful at times. But I assure you, just as the seasons continually change the feelings you have now will not remain constant/forever. At this stage you will very likely find it so hard or even impossible to believe - but this pain will change
You need to find whatever hope you can hold on to - there is always a light at the end of the tunnel, despite how dim it may appear at times
Do you have anyone close you can talk with? At the very least please speak with your GP and let them know how you are feeling. There is help available out there. It's a hard journey, and harder when you're supporting a partner, I know that myself
Always remember there's the samaritans too, I know of another member who struggled with these thoughts themselves and the samaritans really helped. He has survived through and is seeing better days nowadays.
Sending a huge hug. like one of my favourite poems says, rest but don't quit :hug:xx
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Thank you, I' know that poem I think, rest if you must but you must not quit...i have never been a quitter until I lost Mum suddenly I didn't have anything to hold on too, my husband can't cope, is a drug addict and only functions like a normal being when I am okay, but I am not okay, I actually don't want to be, I want the world to see and feel what I am, how pathetic is that? I do have a couple of people I could talk to but I try not too, they don't deserve to have my misery thrust upon them. I have thought about the samaratins and maybe I will speak to them, I just feel my burden is not fair to put on others, if one more person says your Mum would want you to be happy I will scream, my Mum is with my Dad now and I do take comfort from that but I just want them back as without them nothing has any meaning x
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:hug:
As Emz says it isn't a straightforward journey.In the early days you are in a state of shock but there are always the distractions of arrangements for funeral and sorting paperwork out,then people go back too their lives and somehow you get left behind and start thinking you should be able to do the same which makes you pile pressure on yourself at a time when you need to be kind too yourself..For you,also when your husband is not able to support you and isn't really coping himself and Xmas coming up so soon it makes for a really tough time.
As Emz said don't be afraid to ask for professional help,I got counselling through my GP which helped,but its important you are honest about your feelings with them.
I struggled for a long time with similar thoughts but then imagined if there is an afterlife and we really are with our loved ones,how would that conversation go.
I know my husband would have been disappointed if I had thrown away my life after he fought so hard to keep his,and angry that I had created even more hurt for the family.
I know that my daughters would have been left with the horrible guilt and anger I was feeling even though they had tried their best to help me,I would in a way saying to them that I didn't love them enough to stay.
Then there would be the other part of the conversation,which would be very short,the one where I filled him in on what was going on,the things I had seen places I went how would that go if I had nothing to say.
So I decided I would try and be his eyes,see the beautiful things in the world he would be missing,do some of the things he would have liked to do,and try and live my life for both of us as a tribute too him.It wasn't easy and there were a lot of times I wanted to give up, the black clouds of those early days are still just over my shoulder but much further away and i know if they do catch up again i will run faster than them because i have done it so many times now .I have made it through six years now and those thoughts of joining him before my time have gone because in living life for him I am learning to live it for myself too.
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Sorry our posts crossed then.In reply too your second post,one thing my councillor did say ,as I also felt I didn't want to burden friends with how I was feeling,was to imagine if it was one of them who was in my shoes.Would I feel burdened if they talked to me,or would I want to help them anyway I could.I think we know the answer too that because of course we want to be there for friends as yours will want to be there for you.
Aside from that writing here might help too,the act of writing alone can be part of that,and we will be here for as long as you need us to be. :hug:
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Thank you, what you say makes perfect sense, and I know both Mum and Dad would be horrified if they thought I was throwing my life away, and of course were the situation reversed I hope I would be there for my friends, I just don't want to keep on to them about it. I want to be selfish and the whole world see how I am feeling, but of course that can't happen, I have had 3 counselling sessions but it wasn't bereavement counselling, writing on here really does help but I just feel so lost and pathetic, the flashbacks cripple me and I want to back to that night and save, no one seems to understand, they say she was old she wouldn't have wanted to be kept going, this includes my 3 siblings, but they don't know, they weren't there, they didn't have to pump on her chest to keep her alive or tell the paramedics to stop I was completely alone and it's how I feel now
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:hug: bereavement counselling is different but I,m also wondering if maybe there is an element of PTSD going on.I think it would be a good idea to go too your GP .
I really don't like when people make assumptions based on age,and it does set off another string of empty platitudes that can get on your nerves.People don't intend to be upsetting when they say these things.My gran was 96 when she died but could easily have beaten a 70 year old in a race.My mum was only 68 ,but age was irrelevant in grief because both had been the foundations of my life.
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The doctor did say there was some ptsd there and the counsellor tried a rewind technique on me, which did help for a short while. I know I had it today someone said to me she was a good age, and she wouldn't have wanted to carry on, and that their Nan was 94 and last few years of her life they wouldn't have wished on anyone, I smiled sweetly and said Thank you, but at that minute I would not have cared if mum was 250, I just wanted her back!
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:hug:
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So sorry to read this thread. So hard on you.
I am new here and my dear step-dad died last Sunday quite suddenly. I can't say much but I can relate to that sense of desperation and hopelessness. I am just in a daze not believing he won't come back. Also feeling very isolated.
Thoughts with you - even though you sound distraught, I can hear strength. Agree about the annoyance of people saying he would want you to be happy. I keep feeling like, well why does that matter, he's not here. How can someone just go like that...
Octavia
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It really is such a rollercoaster. Just when we think we have worked through something it comes back and hits us again. Concentrate on little steps and dont be alarmed if it feels like 2 steps backwards sometimes. Be gentle with yourself :hug:
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Twinkle you should be grateful people are trying to help and get a grip on reality! You are lucky people are replying and trying to listen and help.
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I lost my dad and am totally devastated but I owe it to my dad to get on with life and there is only so much other people can do and say. I don't mean to sound harsh but wallowing in this devastation doesn't help. You need to move on and do so for you and your mum. Her life was not about your suffering. A parent wants their children to live on and find some happiness x
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I appreciate what you are saying Lyn and am sorry you lost your Dad, I lost mine 25 years ago when I was very young, I thought the whole point of this forum was to be able to express how you are feeling and coping, or not coping, or indeed just an outlet to express how you are feeling at the moment, I am not wallowing, I am trying to survive a day at a time, and I thought this would be the place I could say what I am feeling at the time, but it seems I was wrong, I am still alive, I am still functioning but I miss my Mum dreadfully and the horror of having to do CPR on her haunts me and yes I will get better but at the minute I am struggling not wallowing.
Octavia am truly sorry you are feeling ,like this it is hard and very early days for you, you will be in shock and like a robot, try to take a step at a time I hope you will gradually feel a way forward and not so alone, am sure the people on here will help you, I doubt now will be posting on here as I feel now that I am in the wrong, but you keep going and I wish all of you the strength to deal with whatever comes your way x
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I'm really sorry to hear you don't feel you will be posting.
I for one feel everyone's feelings are valid and legitimate. You're obviously suffering and no one should be judging whether that is right or wrong or something you can control. None of us can control how we feel and this needs to be a safe space.
Hope upon don't give up on the site
Octavia
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My opinion is not by any means representative of other people on here so if this forum helps you then that is great for you. I am going through the exact same pain but wanted to offer a different perspective to dealing with it. Nobody's loss is greater or lesser than another's but forums like this are are to help from their own experiences and that is what I am trying to do. My dad passed 2 weeks ago so yes it is early days for me but I want to honour his death in the best way I know and that is to move with it with gratitude that he gave me life and to fulfil that blessing. If my response doesn't help then that's fine. We are all different
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Twinkle you should be grateful people are trying to help and get a grip on reality! You are lucky people are replying and trying to listen and help.
Lyn this post has been reported and rightly so I believe. If Twinkle does leave the site and it's support she so desperately needed, is that what you really intended to happen in this comment? I think not....
Iv'e run this site for 17 years now and have learnt in that time to sometimes be a little gentile to those still very raw from their losses, and not offering this very hard line type of support you've given here,,, and I'd like not to loose anymore members because of it please.
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Grief is a very personal journey and if we can find comfort in how other's have dealt or coped with it then that in itself is a huge step in coping and knowing we are not alone. I feel alone because it is happening to me but sharing is knowing you are not alone and that in itself is humbling to know. My dad suffered and there was nothing I could do but I find comfort in knowing God took it out of my hands and that I loved my dad so much and that he knew that. I cannot bring him back and could have done no more as his life was not in my hands so we have to somehow accept that and allow the peace to take place
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Dave I am sorry everyone feels that way. I won't comment again as I too am grieving and meant no offence
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My words were insensitive as I am not thinking straight. Hope things get better for everyone and I am sorry I posted but will now remove myself
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Dave I am sorry everyone feels that way. I won't comment again as I too am grieving and meant no offence
Lyn I'm sure it's the last thing you intended and I truly believe that. All I would ask of any member is to read their replies through a couple of times like I do. Because knowing what grief does to the mind I like to make sure the message of support I want to offer cannot be taken in any other way but the good intention it was meant to be too help them, not make matters any worse for anyone in the same pain you are in taking it the wrong way.
I think you have a lot to offer this group Lyn, and I don't want anyone leaving or clamping up, that's not what BUK is about and will never heal your broken heart.
So just let's put this behind us now and give each member the support and comforting words they so desperately came here for at this most difficult time of the year for many, and I think you have that in you Lyn to make happen for us all.
I'm so sorry for your loss and oh how I know how much it hurts.
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My words were insensitive as I am not thinking straight. Hope things get better for everyone and I am sorry I posted but will now remove myself
You beat me too it Lyn posting this while I was replying to you,,,,,,,,,,,but hey I was right about you lol.
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I can only apologise and will take my grief and deal with it by myself as the last thing I want is to offend others going through the same. Thanks for your kind words x
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I don't want to see either of you leave Dave is right sometimes we do misunderstand what others say.Twinkle the point of the site is that you can write down your feelings, and Lynn I have also stated many times I want to live my life for both me and my husband and make him proud of me,but I had times through that when I have also posted about not feeling I could cope,being too Lonely etc.It is a journey as Emz says like a roller coaster when we swing between feeling more positive and really in the pits of despair.The site is for everyone whichever way that roller coaster carriage is pointing at any given time.Sometimes its one where all the carriages are joined but sometimes,especially in the early days its one of those with smaller individual carriages on the same track.Sometimes they might collide but its only a glancing blow,no need for anyone to leave.
Sending hugs too both of you. :hug: :hug:
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Twinkle I hope you accept my sincere apologies, I was reflecting on you a mirror of myself telling myself I needed to get a grip. I was talking to myself . I actually feel like you do but trying to fight it but I should not have projected that on you xx
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Sorry, I only just saw this, Lyn I was upset last night I felt if I couldn't express how I feel on here, then I really had nowhere to go, I have been thinking about it all day and I know, like me, I think anger and frustration makes you react sometimes you normally wouldn't, I didn't for one second think you was trying to upset me, it's just, like me, it is so raw for for you and you project what you are feeling onto others, the thing that really really scared me that having found this forum I could no lo her use it without people judging me, I don't want to feel the way I feel but at the minute I can't help it, and us so good to share on here and feel others understand, and I truly hope in turn I will be able to help someone, don't back away from the site or try and deal with it alone, we all need each other, I am so sorry for the loss of your Dad and I hope you continue to use this wonderful place to help yourself heal, as I know your Dad would have wanted, like my Mum, but we all need help sometimes x
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If it helps anyone I think the hardest thing about losing a loved one is that we had no control over it. We protect people we love from pain and suffering and we do everything in our power to help them. In the last 2 weeks I have gone over everything in my mind as to what happened, the what 'if's the why's and processing every detail that I could have overlooked that could have prevented dad passing but I realise that it was all in the hands of the medical people and I was somehow relegated to feeling inadequate, scared and exhausted and all I could actually do was be there as an 'observer'. It hurts like hell and it was then I asked God to intervene and to either perform a miracle or end dad's suffering. Dad's body had had enough and that was it. It sounds so simple to accept but not so simple to let go but that's love, the most significant person has left this world and changed our world but love carries on in our hearts and memories and I for one just want to skip this grieving process and get to the happy memories but I know I have to go through this scary process to get there? There is no handbook or bench mark and it is indeed a roller coaster of a journey
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Twinkle I am glad you are back as like you I was so upset last night and angry with myself. I feel like a pick and mix of emotions, all jumbled up and a mess. Hope we can help each other through it x
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I think that is right Lynn
I can't come to terms with the fact that my step-dad (of 38 years) has died and we couldn't do anything to help him. It's a week tomor, so thinking about the bed vigil we were doing this time last week. I have got several photos I loved printed up large in A4 - they are now up in my kitchen and I will look at them forever.i like that constant reminder.
I am thinking of lighting a candle for him every Xmas day forever. Christmas is killing me this year - I have a young son who is grieving too, so I have to get myself together. Managed the shops today although broke down crying a few times.
Has anyone got any ideas for things to do that make you feel better, even if just for a few minutes? I'm trying to take most of the offers for help and company I am getting, because to be frank, I think I need all the help I can get.
Love to all xx
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:hug: :hug: :hug:
Hugs to everyone. So sorry for your losses. I've been part of this forum for over 5 years. It can be so hard to put down in writing what and how you are feeling and it is so easy for things to come across not as you meant them. Hope you can get through christmas the best you can.
Penny x
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Hi, lighting a candle is a lovely idea. I find writing a journal really helps. It allows me to express myself and make sense of everything. I also had a shirt of dad's made in to a pillow which greatly comforts me at night either when I go to bed or I can have it on the sofa with me. I also talk to dad out loud (I live by myself so a bit easier to do).
I totally understand about Christmas, I have just ignored it totally but that's difficult to do when you have children. Maybe you could do a memory box together and put it under the tree? What ever gives you comfort x
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I too keep reliving the hospital vigil and the care was diabolical to say the least. I felt dad's dignity was ignored but I have to keep reminding myself the end of dad's life was miniscule in relation to the whole of his life and who he was and how much of a happy life he had lived. He loved and was loved and I try to reprogramme my mind but it's so hard because the last time I saw him is my last memory.
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Lyn, your loss is so so new and I think you have to just try and go with whichever emotion is taking you at the time, sadly I too had the hospital vigil where her care was appalling so I got her home, but the damage had been done, and I have lodged a formal complaint t with the hospital, like you am aware that mum's body and mind had had enough and myself and her alone together at the end is what she would have wanted, just not the bit where I had to try to save her..i am not sure you should try to reprogram your mind so soon, for me I found absorbing crying and just letting it dwell in me was how I go through, listen at me, got through like I am sorted....
Woodlands, I did buy a star for Mum and Dad so I know they will be registered forever together, and I also remember vividly that night I lost her, coming home and just sitting in my back garden sobbing staring at the stars, I also bought a cheap little Xmas tree from a supermarket, its only 1 foot tall, as I do not have children do not have to decorate the house, my intention is after Xmas to plant it in a tub so it will hopefully grow for a living memory of Mum and Dad, I also keep a journal using two different colours, purple for good points of the day and black for the bad, and I also have had all my favourites photos enlarged, and have a particular book that I write things to her in.
I have no idea if it's right or wrong, I feel guilty that I lost her at end of August and an struggling more than some of you, ironically she died on the 21st August and Dad died 25 years earlier on the 22nd August. I wish I could open my arms and fix all of you and myself,, it for now, genuinely you are my reason to keep going
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Twinkle, a star in your mum and dad's memory is such a lovely idea. Your mum would be so proud of you trying to save her and such a courageous thing to do. Not sure I could go through that but it's amazing what we can do when faced with these situations and never having to have dealt with any of this before. I wanted to run from the hospital as far away as I could but I had a strength that I never knew I had because I didn't want to leave my dad and I wanted him home. I still think and feel I should have done more but with no medical training and not knowing what end of life looks like, it was out of my hands and the hospital didn't explain what would happen next. I know what you mean about me trying to reprogramme my mind but I refuse to let that hospital rob me of the good memories I have of my dad's life. I would like to see hospitals have a process in place for famillies so it can all be handled in a more respectful and dignified way and help famillies understand the dying process and what they should expect. I had to Google everything to know what to do to comfort my dad in his last days.
I don't think there is a right or wrong way of grieving for someone or a timescale as grief is a personal thing for all of us. I have no expectations and just deal with things day to day and try to find a positive amongst all the anguish. I bought myself some flowers yesterday to try and brighten things up a little bit. I go for a walk with my dog to get me moving and out of the house. I cry at the drop of a hat, I get angry and I release whatever comes up. I put my Xmas tree up yesterday something I thought I would never be able to do because Xmas has held some lovely family memories and I find it comforting. I too share comfort on here knowing I am not alone and others are going through the same and that together we are united in our grief xx
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Don't feel guilty Twinkle. Although the grief journey has a lot of similarities we all have a unique journey to each of us. And the depth of feelings will ebb and flow too, just like a rollercoaster at times we may feel we're doing better then hit another depth of sadness.
That's the beauty of a forum, at our lowest point there are others at a slightly easier junction of the journey who can help, and then as the journeys progress you will find you're at an easier junction and able to provide comfort to others
It's one hell of a journey, with ups, downs, twists and turns. The surprise of revisiting earlier phases/emotions. But here no-one is on that journey alone xx
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I am glad you are both still here.There are things you can do for some respite but it isn't a journey you can rush or skip,and for me acceptance is about accepting grief and all its faces.If you have a badly Brocken leg you know that its going to take a while to heal.You will spend time resting in bed,maybe have a couple of ops to pin it that will bring back the original acute pain for a while.If you get out of bed too soon you risk a fall,you get crutches and physio and all the time people sympathise,they see the plaster cast and the crutches,they hold doors open,carry things for you.When you start to walk without crutches you still can't run and a marathon is years away,you know you will have to be patient and that perhaps you will have a limp and the wound will always ache if you do too much or even just because its raining.
The difference between that and grief is that people don't see the wound so clearly there is no plaster no visible crutches and so they run out of patience more quickly,and that we also have unrealistic expectations of ourselves.It doesn't mean you can never run a marathon one day if you want but it does mean you can't if you don't treat yourself just as kindly as though it was a physical wound and without self judgement and that when you do you will feel pride in doing so but also an ache that the person you lost isn't watching.My personal feeling is that they are running along beside us but we can't always see them.
For me Nature and wildlife has always been my respite.That can be through just looking or through bringing it to you and caring for it by taking positive action,or a combination.Even if you are in the city For every gleaming shop window and fake xmas light there is nearby a flower waiting to grow or a scruffy pigeon strutting around that can bring a smile and bring a reminder that despite the dark and cold being blown around and trodden on or forced jollity of Xmas there will always be renewal even though we can't always see it and we will find a way to go on and take our loved ones forward with us in spirit.
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It's 4am Christmas Day and cannot sleep, I am just sat here in the silence apart from a little bird chirping away which is actually really comforting because it reminds me I am not totally alone. I am thinking of people getting up soon and organising their day, unwrapping presents, excited children and famillies getting together and it doesn't make me sad it makes me nostalgic and remembering past Christmases with my family when I was a little girl and Christmas was a lot different than it is today. I know we cannot turn back the clock but it is comforting to have our memories.
I also think of all the people who are alone today with no family and the elderly who have been forgotten and all of us that have lost our loved ones and I then feel the peace in Christmas and the real meaning of it. I am remembering dad and being deeply grateful for having him as my dad and I realise how lucky I am because nobody not even grief can take those memories away. Peace to you all today xx
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Hi twinkle , :hearts: so sorry I have only just seen your post, I hadn't been on here for about a week. Sending you so much love. I know from our previous messages we feel very similar about things . I understand totally what you were saying at the beginning of this thread. Also my most recent loss was in August and I'm finding things much harder now so time can make no difference to how we feel. Anyway just wanted to send you a message to let you know I'm thinking about you xxxx
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Ah Lyn
Hope you managed to get some sleep. I slept really badly - my mum started saying again that things were missed and it could have been different if the the doctors had done better. I know there is some truth in it but it just feels so horrible to think that. Trying to remember he was very unwell and a few weeks would not necessarily have changed anything. I got fixated on it overnight though and was just lying there thinking it could have been different.
I need to find peace with it. Trying to feel grateful for what I have today. My mum started saying about when she is no longer here and that made me think she has had enough.
Anyway, hope everyone can find some peace today. Will be around to chat.
Octavia
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Hi scared1, I tried to the like button on your comment, but may have pressed dislike instead, an not good with technology, but thanking you for thinking of me.
Octavia and Lyn like you both slept very badly, I hope you managed to get some rest, I have been forcing myself to remember the wonderful Christmas we had when I was a child and growing up, some tears will fall today too, but like you Lyn those memories can not be taken away, and I am trying so hard to hang on to them.
It is upsetting to think things were missed and outcomes could have been different, mum was in a hospital a week and we got her home as soon as we could because the care in there sadly was appalling, she got better and better at home, Doc prounced her better on the Friday on the Monday she died in front of me, anyway sorry, she died from a heart attack which my G P agrees could have been from the stress of hospital etc, but of course you never really know, and I have to face the truth was she was 89 scared and frail even though I spent nearly all my out of work time with her. Anyway sorry that wasn't my point, I was already going to lodge a complaint with the hospital, and then she died and obviously mind was elsewhere, but purely by chance a radiographer came and bought mum's tumble dryer and we discussed it, he said you must complain as the lack of care is so bad, neither of my 3 siblings wanted too and I understand but I have an on going complaint, her medical records everything and for me it has helped me come to peace with that side of it, I will be meeting chairman of hospital in January but it's others that follow not to get revenge etc for Mum, it helped me not sure if it's helpful for anyone else, sometimes the truth is the only way forward.
Anyway sorry not what anyone wants to read Xmas morning and I didn't mean to sound preachy just saying what I did.
However you are all getting through day today I wish you all peace and strength x
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Hi Octavia
I finally dropped off to sleep about 7.30 and just woke up. I keep dreaming of dad in the hospital. I know I can't change anything but I have so many questions as I feel they missed something with dad and I also believe he caught an infection whilst in there. Dad and I have always had faith in the NHS and especially Heartlands Hospital but the ward he was on was dire. The nurses disinterested and having to chase for medical updates. I believe deep down death is natural, it is part of life but it is that hospital that made it so gruesome and undignified. Maybe that's why you, myself and Twinkle are 'stuck' with those memories.
Twinkle I wanted to complain while dad was in there but fought against it because I didn't want them taking anything out on dad. I did have a go one of the times though and it prompted the consultant to have a meeting with me. I had to make the decision to stop dad's medication which was heartbreaking because it was just prolonging his life nothing else. I feel they robbed me of my happy memories of dad and it was a tea lady who rang me to say he had passed peacefully in his sleep but I cannot trust or believe them, how bad is that?
Year's ago nurses and hospital staff were lovely and had the patient's best interest at heart. Now I believe if they are elderly and I'll they just don't seem to care. Dad had delerium for most of his time in there and was unable to communicate which makes it all so much worse.
Hope we can all find some comfort from today. I have already eaten half a box of chocolates which was not a great idea but I'm not eating proper meals yet, just snacking on things (wrong things) and of course the wine....going to make an effort to have a shower and watch some TV. I feel so restless being by myself does anyone else keep pacing around? xx
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Hi Lyn.
Like you am pacing around, can't settle been drinking too much wine and got carry on films on.
Sadly you are right about the hospitals now, it's not just lack of funding it's the uncaring staff, I used to sit with Mum from 10 am until 7, I saw there was enough staff and how they behaved, when I got her notes I was astonished at some of the things they had written , about food eaten etc, they didn't know they hadn't checked, I was there, mum didn't have delirium when she went in, I stupidly left her in the medical assessment unit overnight trusting they would take care of her, we had repeatedly told them she hadn't drunk anything and was dehydrated, when I got in the next morning her mind had completely gone and she had had no fluids or indeed observations all night and morning, she continued to be not with it until we got her home where within a day she was back to normal, and I take complete comfort knowing she had no idea what went on whilst she was in there, and am sure your Dad would not have had either so try and take a little comfort from that. Having the notes which completely contradict the things they were telling me. Twice the sisters had written that I was complaining that she was getting worse, and now I am worried her treatment was effected by it.
I shall be glad when today over, I have a husband but he has been in bed and just got up and gone out, my friends bought me some lovely presents and I just sobbed, it's so so hard, like you am going to have a bath and try to read or something x
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Hi Twinkle
Although we got off on the wrong footing (my fault), it sounds like we have a lot of the same feelings and emotions. I have no husband, partner or children and now no family, I do have a few close friends but they have their own lives and today has been so hard being by myself with all these emotions and thoughts running wild.
I was writing my journal earlier and a thought completely stopped me in my tracks and this is going to sound really bizarre but I actually feel as if I am also grieving my own life too, in so far as, I put my life on hold to take care of dad and to act as peacemaker between him and my mother as their marriage was not good. My mum has never been a good mum, she is very selfish and everything was and always will be about her and I dedicated every waking moment to my dad and being there for him as my mum was totally dependant on him .Don't get me wrong, I would do it all over again without question but I also sacrificed my own life to be there for dad.I never ventured far because I always dreaded a phone call any minute. I didn't take holidays for the same reason.
I never went out to meet anyone and friends gave up on asking me to do things. I work from home, again to be around should dad need me but working from home also isolates you and I am dreading going back to work as I feel I need to start my life all over again. I need to get out more and meet new friends and get some hobbies/interests as also like you will feel, that caregiving role we had is gone and that leaves a huge void. I hear my dad saying to me we are both free now Lyn so go and be happy but truth is I don't know what happiness looks like? How strange is that?
This pacing is doing my head in, I cannot settle. I am scared to be in anyone's company for fear of biting their head off...I have a close male friend and he fortunately lives 4 doors away and on a practical level he has been brilliant but emotionally he is useless (bless him) and I keep snapping at him because I want someone to care 'emotionally about me' if that makes sense. This truly is the worse roller coaster I have been on and I really want to get off. Enjoy your bath and hope you find something to do. I love reading but can't concentrate to pick a book up so I am going to put some music on. Well on a positive note we have nearly got through Christmas xx
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Lyn, you are right we nearly have got through Christmas... too much daytime wine meant I slept for a while thank God, the husband appeared around 4, and like you say my close friends have their own families today and my three siblings aren't interested at all
It doesn't sound crazy what you are saying I understand perfectly, Dad died 24 years ago, mum at 65 was so vulnerable and fragile I looked out for even from then although obviously she was a lot more capable then, my husband and I have been together since we were 14, and he truly loved my parents and they did him, in the last week of her life it was him she wanted to make her cups of tea etc, like you we didn't go on holiday, or indeed go that far in last 10 years in case she needed me, and now bam my reason for being has gone, I understand completely about wanting to be cared for emotionally, it's causing so many problemsbetween me and him, as I want the world to stop and care for me completely, just let me be without having to think about anything, for so long I have had to think for me and her now it's just me, I keep screaming at him don't you know I have lost my Mum! I feel unfixable, that it is pointless,
The thought of having to do something different to fill my time scares me,maybe it will come for both of us, and like you it's completely alien for me to think about happiness or indeed anything positive.
Also like you I would do it again in a heartbeat, I think it was possibly the only thing I was good at.
I loved my books and telly, but can't concentrate on any of them which is frustrating as I always used them as my go too thing
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Sending you both big hugs :hug: xx
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:hug: keep taking tiny steps,you will find s a new role ,something for you , but it takes time.All my life I went to sleep reading but for a long time also found reading hard after Keith died.I did read quite a lot of stuff about spirituality and different beliefs, around the question of an afterlife I guess it made sense in a way to read about the things that were going round my head anyway and try to make sense of them.I also got quite good at poetry..Trying to make words rhyme or at least coherent lines that put across what I was trying to say in a way that others could read helped cut through the brain fog a bit.
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Hi Karena
You are right about taking tiny steps. I also believe the mind and body will protect you from taking too much in one go. I am a spiritual person and my faith gives me so much comfort. I had heard and saw it with dad when people who are dying are seeing their long deceased relatives with them and talking to them and I also believe they come to take the person dying on to the next stage of their journey.
2 days ago I had to wrap a Xmas present up for my closest friend and when I unrolled the Xmas paper a white feather fell out and landed on my lap. It was so beautiful and a calm came over me that I hadn't felt since all this happened.
Like you I love reading but not able yet to concentrate on anything for too long. I am hopeful that will come back in time.
I can see you being good at poetry because you have a way with your words that reach the person reading them.
Well we all survived Christmas Day and thanks to you all for helping me get through it too x
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Hi, yes we survived it! I managed it with all your help, I too am spiritual and have a faith, when Mum was in hospital she kept saying how she had seen her best friend Edna, who had died 3 months earlier, she said she knew she was dead but said she thought she looked beautiful, I thought it was the delirium.... not knowing I would lose her 10 days after that, when clearing her books out after she had died out of nowhere poking out was, hand written on a piece of paper, the poem " The life that I have" it was so obvious she wanted it at her funeral, esp as it was used during the second world war which obviously she lived through and joined the land army, I try to look for these signs to convince myself she us around.
Day has not started to great today, had to take my dog to vets, my husband has convinced himself he is infested with parasites, nothing is getting easier....
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So sorry to hear about today's bad start. Hope your husband and dog are ok? Make sure you take time out for you and get some rest x
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I try Lyn, but you know it's impossible to escape your mins isn't it? It's a sunny day here, I tell myself I should go out for a drive, a walk, and yet I can't, I have the new books some lovely friends bought yet I don't look at them, the telly is on, but no sound, have loads of my favourite programs on my sky planner but can't be bothered to watch.....
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I totally understand and don't try to put yourself under any pressure to do anything until you are ready.
I managed to go out shopping today purely because I haven't been out the house since dad's funeral last week. I went with a friend who took me as I don't feel up to driving at the moment. It was hard especially being boxing day and everywhere was really busy, I felt very detached from everything and also very weak and disorientated but I treated myself to a nice top and some other stuff. I felt better for facing the reality of life has to go on. Don't get me wrong I was glad to be home where I feel safe and secure but I just needed to feel some normality.
I can't watch TV either at the moment, I have it on in the background mainly to deflect the silence of being alone. My friend is staying with me tonight as I really find evenings/bedtime hard and it will be comforting to know someone is here with me.
I have to think about going back to work soon as I have been off 3 weeks now but I am still nowhere ready.
Well the next hurdle is New Year's Eve, I have never not seen a new year in without my dad being in it but will have to deal with that when it comes. Small steps that's what I keep telling myself. Going to have a glass of wine now and try to relax
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Well done Lyn, I am proud you achieved that today, and hope your friend staying tonight gives you some comfort, sadly life dies go on and as I am the only one one earning I had to go back into work, straight into a retail environment a toy shop no less, and it was and still is so hard to pretend to the world everything is okay.
Yes dreading New Years Eve too, Mum used to make a big deal about it, as did Dad and she used to tell me stories of the celebrations in her younger days. God I miss her so much, and the life and support I had when she was around, nothing at all is okay anymore...
Like you I keep saying baby steps but the minute I let my mind think of the future I just want to run and hide...
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Is there any way of you taking some time off? Or talk to your GP and get some support?
I know I am not much help but sending you a big hug and hope you get a good night's sleep tonight and that tomorrow is a bit better x
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To be honest Lyn being at home is hard at the moment too. I may have to face the fact that not only losing mum i will lose my partner of 34 years. He just is not helping. He doesn't get what I need. He has his own mental health issues which I have always supported. But now I really really need to know someone is there for me. For example this morning when my dog hurt her leg. With no back up no one to talk too i spent 100 i really can't afford at vets because I didn't know what to do. Tonight i have been listening to the music she loved and been going over and over in my head the event's of that night right up until and after the funeral. I know it seems like I am wallowing bul i don't know how else to deal with it. On here is the only place I can say how I feel and as I go to bed i just wish she and dad would come take me with them x
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I am so sorry to hear what you are going through, in addition to losing your mum, it is so difficult and there are sometimes no answers. You are grieving the loss of your mum and that is what you are doing and must do for you. We all deal with grief in different ways but there is no right or wrong way for anyone. I am learning this as I along from everyone's personal experiences.
I am thinking of you and hope tomorrow is a better day for you. Remember your mum loved you and that is all that matters right now and I hope that love gives you some strength to deal with another tomorrow x
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:hug:you're not wallowing you're grieving and not getting the support you need from your partner won't be helping the situation.
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Thank you both, you feel like the only people who care at the minute, I am all over the place, tried to reach out to both my sister's today but they really didn't want to know, he has been out most of day and again my last day off work have been left to my own devices, ihave a really bad cold, but am getting moaned at about not clearing up etc, I spoke no his Mum today, both her and his Dad were abusive to him, I told her I am done, that when mum's stone is down I can end it all she tells me I am strong and I am coping nobody seems to care that I don't want to cope or be strong, I just want someone to have my back like my Mum always did.....
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I recall that feeling oh so well Twinkle, sending you a huge hug :hug: i was thrown into the strong role in the family when my dad died just after his 59th birthday. Shortly after my partner was diagnosed with coeliacs and commenced an ongoing battle with anxiety/depression and my sister had my niece at only 28 weeks, my niece has a few health issues. My mum lost her dad (my grandad) a few months after I lost dad. I just wanted to curl into a ball, have someone else look after me, my dad wasnt just my dad he was my rock, my friend, but it was never an option for me. I became very very good at wearing a mask. Most of my friends had not lost a loved one and I dont think they understood. Only one friend could see behind the mask
It has been a tough journey, I've wanted to give up many times. This place helped me keep going. The journey feels ever so lonely but you're not alone here - we'll help lend you support when you need it most. I keep on fighting in my dads memory - I made him proud when he was still here and I'm sure I'm continuing to make him proud and that's my aim
One day, you never know some of us may meet. We do a meet every now and I've gained real friends through here. It will be so hard to see a future right now, concentrate on just each current day. :hearts: xx
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Somehow we have to help ourselves, people can be a constant source of pain and disappointment but this is our time, our mourning and our journey. Time for others has to stop whether that be temporarily or permanently. We are entitled to feel the way we do and the way we experience loss of someone who was so significant in our lives. We are vulnerable and should not have to present to the world that we are strong.
Nobody is going to stop me or cut me short of the memories of my dad and me and nobody has the right to do that either. Nobody will rob me of my feelings either. I am alone and am learning this is actually a blessing.
Twinkle stay strong and listen to your own heart and feelings and be gentle to yourself, if people don't get that then wave them goodbye. Emz keep on fighting your dad's memory as nobody can take that from you and let's celebrate their lives and what they meant to us and feel proud that we loved them so very, very much. Strong words from me tonight but from my heart x
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I know you are both right, I know Mum was proud of me, as was Dad actually, they used to say how loyal and caring I was, mum told me and many others that she couldn't have coped without me, and for that I will try to fight and keep their memory alive and keep going, it's just it's so hard being strong all the time as you know, and Lyn you are right thus grief is ours, our journey and shouldn't be having to put otherwise at the expense of ourselves, and yet it is my nature to do so, maybe in tneendif I don't give up it will be Mums final lesson to me, to e strong and maybe just a little bit selfish....
Incidentally like you Emz none of my friends have lost anyone, and the best will in the world can't expect them to understand....