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Bereavement Support Posts => Please Post In This Bereavement Support Posting Room => Topic started by: Hubby on February 12, 2017, 10:31:32 PM

Title: Coming up to a year
Post by: Hubby on February 12, 2017, 10:31:32 PM
It's almost eleven months since I lost my beautiful wife, Margaret. I've got a lot of firsts in the next month.

First Valentine's Day, that's had me going already. The first anniversary of Margarets birthday and, of course, the first anniversary of the day she fell ill and the day she died.

I've just had a week that started terribly with me crying my eyes out in work. It has slowly picked up but here have been some major meltdowns. This morning I was destroyed when a flower arrangement I ordered for Valentine's Day turned up and wasn't anything like what I thought it would be like. I wanted a large heart of red roses, what I got was a small heart of mainly greenery with some roses dotted around in it. They haven't even put ribbon round the edge of the oasis and it looks really tacky and thrown together.

I just wanted something really nice for my first Valentine's Day without her.
Title: Re: Coming up to a year
Post by: longedge on February 13, 2017, 01:14:08 PM
Hi Hubby - as you know, I'm just that bit ahead of you and I can say that for me without exception the anticipation of every single 'first anniversary' has been far worse than the day itself. I'm certainly not saying that it's the same for all of us but now I've got all those firsts behind me I can't help wondering what the subsequent ones will be like - will I always dread them before they arrive or will they become an aid to my failing memory  :rolleyes:

I now function very welll on a day to day basis but in quiet moments when I'm reminiscing I wonder if my memories are becoming selective, you know like how you remember your childhood - days were longer, the summer holidays lasted for ever, the weather was hot and sunny every day, a stick of rhubarb and a spoonful of sugar in a cup was tasted good etc etc.

I hope your forthcoming 'firsts' are like mine were - nowhere near as bad as you thought they were going to be  :smiley:.
Title: Re: Coming up to a year
Post by: Karena on February 13, 2017, 07:50:56 PM
 :hug:its the thought that counts hubby.I can't help thinking is she had been hare the pair of you would have had a little chuckle over the tacky flowers.she would have known that it wasn't your intention.Sadly in a cynical world we live in people do commercialise these days and rip people off.roses will be half the price on the fifteenth. It cant be the valentines tradition here either roses dont bloom in february here.
I think a single red rose speaks as loudly as a dozen,or here,s and idea if you're not at work go to the garden centre and buy a rose plant then there will always be roses.you will know the tree was a valentines present and it will bloom in summer when all these  horrid anniversarys are over.
Title: Re: Coming up to a year
Post by: Hubby on February 13, 2017, 10:11:21 PM
Thanks for the replies. I hope the upcoming firsts aren't as bad as I imagine because I am imagining them to be pretty unbearable. Like you George I have found that things I expect to be bad aren't as bad as I imagine beforehand while I am taken unawares by things I never expected to be upsetting.

I went round a few florists but it's too late to get anything made. I did manage to get some bits and pieces though and my mother-in-law has managed to spruce up the heart with some white flowers and red ribbon. If Margaret were here the 'florist' would be treated to a tirade if abuse that would make a docker blush.

Bad start to today. When I woke my radio was playing 'band if gold' by Freda Payne. I've never really paid any attention to the lyrics before but it had me going a bit. Luckily I was rushed off my feet in work which kept me distracted. I haven't done much tonight since coming in but I did have a video chat with someone before doing a bit of reading for a job tomorrow.

I'm going to drop the heart off at Margarets gravevon the way in to work. I've got a few hours of downtime to get myself together afterwards if I need to.
Title: Re: Coming up to a year
Post by: Emz2014 on February 14, 2017, 07:44:27 AM
Sending a hug for today hubby  :hug: xx
Title: Re: Coming up to a year
Post by: Karena on February 14, 2017, 07:59:30 PM
 :hug:thinking of you.today.
Band of gold is a song I used to love I still do I guess,but I know what you mean about the words.My moment of the day was an Adele song,not the one from the funeral,can you feel my love,but one from the next album that was played over and over just after he died.Never mind I,all find someone like you.I knew then I wouldn't and I know it still.tears were shed over the computer this morning but I don't think anyone noticed.I do seem to be taking giant leaps backwards at the moment if I,m honest with myself.
Title: Re: Coming up to a year
Post by: Hubby on February 14, 2017, 09:28:59 PM
Thanks for the thoughts.

I got up early and dropped the flowers off. I needed every minute of the downtime to get over it. Lovey dovey stuff on the radio all day didn't help. Definitely a tough day to get through.

This does seem to be getting harder. I'm sure I was feeling better than this before Christmas. Maybe it's the effects of the longer nights and wil improve as days get longer. I do hope so.
Title: Re: Coming up to a year
Post by: Karena on February 15, 2017, 07:25:47 PM
I hope so too .I saw snowdrops open today and it is staying lighter just a little longer.
Title: Re: Coming up to a year
Post by: Rosaleen on February 16, 2017, 05:05:37 PM
I usually only put the radio on in the car. The second I hear orchestral music which is in any way sad, or lyrics in a song about love or that reminding meof what Ive lost, I go to another station or failing that turn it off altogether
It's the only way for me.
Title: Re: Coming up to a year
Post by: longedge on February 16, 2017, 07:40:32 PM
I have spotify running most of the time when I'm on the computer and almost all of the tracks on my play list hold some 'significance' for me. It's odd how their effect is different at different times of the day. I'll whistle along to a tune during the day time whilst the same track makes me crumple late at night???
Title: Re: Coming up to a year
Post by: Hubby on February 16, 2017, 10:38:05 PM
My counsellor suggested getting comedy CDs and putting them on in the van instead of listening to the radio. I like listening to radio 4 as there is some interesting stuff but sometimes the topic can be a bit upsetting. I popped into a charity shop but the only comedy CD was John Bishop and I can't stand him so I got a selection of music CDs for a pound each and now I pop one of them on when I don't like what is on.

It was counselling day yesterday and I think it's not going anywhere now or more it's going round in circles. I feel a bit better then I get upset again. I'm a lot better than when I started counselling (on a good day) but nothing seems to stop grief making unwanted appearances at regular intervals I think the counselling should probably stop perhaps after the one year anniversary.

Work has been fine. No real problems. Even today when I was planned in for an easy day shadowing a contractor but instead found myself in the middle of a major power failure I coped with the pressure. I've also managed to stop worrying so much about all the day to day stuff and stop it getting on top of me.

How long this will last I do not know. I might have another meltdown tomorrow, maybe in a week, a month, maybe never.
Title: Re: Coming up to a year
Post by: longedge on February 17, 2017, 11:54:37 AM
Comedy CD's sounds like a good suggestion  :smiley:. I always meant to get the Terry Wogan "John and Jane" stories but never got around to it. We used to listen to Terry in the mornings without fail and very often the stories reduced me to tears (of laughter).
Title: Re: Coming up to a year
Post by: Karena on February 17, 2017, 08:16:12 PM
I do miss Terry in the mornings.Now I have hand poised to hit the off button as soon as the news ends I can't stand the jingles,nor the inane drivel.Unfortunately if I miss the cue or the button which is frequent,the first words out of my mouth each day are not words I would use publicly.I do wonder if swearing first thing every morning is good for the soul.
Hubby maybe ask the councillor rather than just quoting,but there isn't a silver bullet counselling helps but there isn't a cure,going round in circles up and down is very normal for all of us.
Title: Re: Coming up to a year
Post by: longedge on February 17, 2017, 08:44:47 PM
After my last post I went to YouTube and did a search for "Terry Wogan Janet and John" - and then spent the next hour and a half creased up laughing (mostly at Terry laughing). I'd forgotten how much I miss him on the radio but then I forget most things nowadays   :smiley:.
Title: Re: Coming up to a year
Post by: Karena on February 18, 2017, 07:44:48 PM
Not forgetting his wit and humour that made Eurovision watchable. :rofl:

How are you today hubby ?
Title: Re: Coming up to a year
Post by: Hubby on February 18, 2017, 10:22:30 PM
I'm not doing so good today.

Friday was pretty much same old, same old. Another day muddled through without much upset.

Today started great, I had little Ollie round while his mum and dad went off doing something. I was pretty tired when he went just after lunch but was looking forward to meeting up with some members of the BUK Facebook group in Liverpool. I got ready, went to the cash machine to get some cash and then the darkness descended on me and it just seemed wrong. I went home and had a cry instead. After that I slept most of the evening away on the sofa.

I know I would have enjoyed a night out meeting new people but sometimes it's just too difficult to get out and do different things.
Title: Re: Coming up to a year
Post by: Karena on February 19, 2017, 08:20:05 PM
 :hug: sometimes you just have to follow your instincts .Going out isn't wrong neither is having a few drinks and a laugh but it isn't always right for the day,especially if you're tired so spending time on the sofa isn't wrong either.
Title: Re: Coming up to a year
Post by: Hubby on February 20, 2017, 05:19:38 PM
Thanks Karena.

I woke on Sunday morning feeling really down BUT I didn't let it take hold. Within a few minutes of waking I had texted my youngest and spoke to my eldest and arranged for us all to go out for breakfast. After that I had a little potter in the garden then cooked tea for everyone and had a play with little Ollie.

When they had gone I had a bit of a chat with someone on messenger then had a tidy up and went to bed.

I'm quite pleased that I turned what could have been another day feeling sorry for myself around so quickly.   :smiley:
Title: Re: Coming up to a year
Post by: Karena on February 20, 2017, 07:41:27 PM
Well done you.I think making yourself get up and organised is a good step towards getting out of the dips we all fall into from time to time.
Title: Re: Coming up to a year
Post by: Emz2014 on February 20, 2017, 09:04:11 PM
 :hug: well done hubby. It can be hard but empowering when we can take charge of our emotions and re-channel them.  And also great way to utilise your support network xx
Title: Re: Coming up to a year
Post by: Hubby on February 21, 2017, 04:50:15 PM
It does seem to be quite a step forward to have some control.

Yesterday and today have been pretty much OK. I did stop off at the grave on the way home and had a good cry but again that was my choice. I could have gone straight home and avoided the tears but I feel I have to let the emotions out.

I'm feeling pretty relaxed now. Not what you would call happy but, more importantly, not sad. I've been here before and I'm hoping it will last.
Title: Re: Coming up to a year
Post by: Hubby on February 22, 2017, 08:53:14 PM
Bit if a mixed bag. I woke up in the wee small hours crying. I don't know why but I think I might have been dreaming about Margaret. I don't normally remember dreams do I can't be sure. It took ages to get back to sleep so I slept through my alarms, all four of them.  :embarrassed:

I texted the boss to say I had a rough start and would stay closer to home than the depot. I think he thought I was staying at home but I had a job to do nearer home and went there.

Despite all that I felt pretty positive about the past week, especially taking control on Sunday and visiting the grave on my own yesterday. I felt I was finally beginning to get some control. I took that attitude into my counselling session but not far in I was in floods of tears again. So much for control.

My counsellor thinks that, as I was feeling stronger going into the session, I was able to bring up things we had only skipped over before in more depth and that was what 'did for me'. That may be right but it wasn't a nice experience. Luckily I had enough time to settle down before the end but of the session. After that I went back to work and The rest of the day has been pretty much fine. I'm still feeling quite positive.
Title: Re: Coming up to a year
Post by: Karena on February 23, 2017, 07:21:45 PM
I think your counsellor was probably right some things are so hard in the early days we put them aside because we don't feel strong enough to cope .You do seem more confident now overall. :hug:
Title: Re: Coming up to a year
Post by: Hubby on February 25, 2017, 11:19:21 PM
Thanks Karena. I think I am getting somewhere but the changes are so slow I hardly notice them.

I've not been on the forum for a few days but I've be not had a lot to report. Work has been Groundhog Day and home has been pretty much the same. I come home, cook tea, go to bed early.

I have noticed that I am very short tempered. Igetvngry if the least little thing goes wrong. Yesterday I lost my temper at a self service checkout when some biscuits wouldn't scan. I threw all the shopping down and stormed out of the shop. Pointless because I only had to do the whole shop again but I just couldn't cope with it at that time.

I've had an easy day today. I did want to go to a met up in Sheffield but I'm on call this weekend so had to give it a miss. Another maybe next time moment.

Hope everyone is managing OK.
Title: Re: Coming up to a year
Post by: Karena on February 26, 2017, 05:14:21 PM
 :hug:I don't use the self scan things part because of my Luddite tendancys,but I figure someone else scans it,its their job to sort it,and you can't speak too,empathise with or smile at a machine,well you can but that just exaggerates ones eccentricity.On a serious not though it is another of griefs features,for me it seemed to take the form of being more annoyed over small things than is reasonable,you're probably handling it better than I did,I have a bad habit of internalising anger, so rather than storm out I would probably have put them back left the shop quietly then cried and blamed myself later.But the positive side of the matter of in important things is that it will eventually do a somersault and then become less important than it would be for most people.Now I would laugh sort it  and forget it by the time I got to the car park.
Title: Re: Coming up to a year
Post by: Emz2014 on February 26, 2017, 07:25:16 PM
I went through an angry frustrated phase, team members would do things (or not do things) and it would make me so angry/frustrated - and I would moan/rant to my manager - at the same time not recognising myself (I actually had that conversation with my manager, he was really supportive as he knew it wasnt my usual behaviour)   was such a weird phase, didn't feel like myself atall.  But it did pass  :hug:  xx
Title: Re: Coming up to a year
Post by: Hubby on February 26, 2017, 09:45:08 PM
I hope this passes quickly. Shouting at inanimate objects is a pretty stupid thing to be doing but shouting at shop assistants needs to be knocked in the head quick smart.

I've had a good day today. It didn't start too well. My brother in law sent me a text thanking me for some information I sent him ... at 3.30am!  :angry:

It took a while to get back to sleep after being woken by the cavalry charge (My text tone when I am on call). At 8am I was called out and it turned out to be a mouse not working on a pc that just needed replacing. I appreciate the money I will be paid for doing it but it would have been better if the operator had done ut and I had a lie in.

My day picked up then. I went out shopping with my youngest, her fiancé and my grandson. We went to a retail park and round all the shops then had a pub lunch and did the weekly shop in a supermarket. We all went back to mine where I cooked the weekly curry and they left at about 7:30. After that I watched a film. It was a pretty perfect day.

The only downside was a bit of a cry when I realised it was a pretty perfect day but, of course, something was missing. It was short lived though and, tbh, I expected it.
Title: Re: Coming up to a year
Post by: longedge on February 27, 2017, 08:48:52 AM
I hope this passes quickly. Shouting at inanimate objects is a pretty stupid thing to be doing but shouting at shop assistants needs to be knocked in the head quick smart.

I think I see my doppelganger in you Hubby  :smiley:. I forced myself to go back and apologise to one bewildered lady in Sainsbo's some time ago. When I said that I wasn't trying to make excuses but that I had recently lost my wife and seemingly my reason she was very understanding. As for shouting and swearing at the kettle for leaking, well it deserved it  :grin:.
Title: Re: Coming up to a year
Post by: Hubby on February 28, 2017, 11:25:42 PM
Thanks George. I'm trying hard to control this anger but it keeps beating me. I've got a box of stuff in the back of my van and every time I open the side door it falls out spilling its contents, usually into a puddle, and every time I explode a little but louder than the last. I really should stow it away a bit more securely but I'm that angry I just shove everything back into it, throw it in the van and slam the door.  :undecided:

The past two days have been similar. Work is OK now. No repeat if the crying my eyes out if the other week. Home is pretty much OK as well but I am getting short bouts of intense upset. It's like a days worth of grief crammed into a couple of minutes then it's gone again and I'm back to muddling along.

I suppose I'm coping most of the time but it's barely coping and I don't like it.
Title: Re: Coming up to a year
Post by: Karena on March 01, 2017, 06:15:43 PM
 :hug: it will pass meanwhile if you have a bottle bank near you,the sound of breaking glass can be therapeutic and its legitimate.
Title: Re: Coming up to a year
Post by: Hubby on March 02, 2017, 10:49:59 PM
The sound of breaking glass is tempting 😈

I've had two more days pretty much the same. It was counselling yesterday and I only have a couple of sessions left. I still can't go over the time between Margaret collapsing and the machine being turned off without breaking down. There are huge gaps in my memory of events and I get things in the wrong order. My counsellor says it's not important that I remember everything but I feel that I need to. I want to be able to think about it without breaking down. I don't want to leave it blanked out. It plays on my mind that I cannot do that as, as long as I can't face it head in, it's always going to be there to stop me in my tracks. I just don't know how to go about it.

In other news I have arranged to go out for a drink with a friend on Saturday afternoon. No sooner had I hung up he phone when it struck me. Saturday is Margarets birthday.  :cry:
Title: Re: Coming up to a year
Post by: Emz2014 on March 03, 2017, 07:21:46 AM
I've been reading a fascinating book about the brain by David Eagleman,  he talks about memory.  The more we go over a particular memory the more it is 'reinforced' through the neural pathways, and interestingly we don't remember like a photographic memory or retrieving a file, we recreate each memory each time and a memory can be subtly altered over time based on current thoughts or even the current mood we are in when remembering it.

Maybe it's not such a bad thing we don't remember the intricate details of the most painful day/time.  Perhaps that's the natural protection mechanism of the brain? Maybe for our health/sanity we're not supposed to recall such painful memories in such detail?.  Remembering the intricate details doesn't change anything, and in a way just tortures us a bit more.  I think perhaps changing our focus to the loving/happier memories is better for us - there will always be painful memories but don't try to make them more vivid than the huge loving memories we have

When we feel we need to remember, maybe it's better to write it down in a diary somewhere, so we know we have it, but we don't 'reinforce' it in our brains causing pain?

Hope I've explained this in the right way - I don't mean any of it to be upsetting in any way  :hug:

 :hearts:

Xx
Title: Re: Coming up to a year
Post by: Karena on March 03, 2017, 06:36:45 PM
I think emz is right There are hours I can't recall,only a few key things stick out,and I dont want to remember those so I try and tidy them away,because they will never be not painful and I have accepted that this is the case.

In between there were hours of trying to come to terms with what was happening,trying to cling to hope that it wasn't happening,wondering if I could have done something to prevent it but nothing actually happened in those hours except my thoughts about that as I sat holding his hand.Were those thoughts any different really to the ones that came after,trying to come to terms with what happened,hoping it was a nightmare and it hadn't happened,wondering if I could have done anything to prevent it.It seems to me they really went except perhaps the end of hope he would survive it.
Title: Re: Coming up to a year
Post by: Hubby on March 04, 2017, 11:34:59 PM
Thanks emz and Karena. I wish I could tidy away the thoughts but it's playing on my mind all the time. I can talk about just about anything with my counsellor but when it comes to those four days I just go quiet and start crying. I can't even get the words out. I hope that by facing them head on I can make the memories hurt less.

Friday was a terrible day. I woke up for work crying and ended up lying in he bedroom floor sobbing like a baby. I managed to compose myself enough to go to work and managed the day ok. On the way home I stopped off in a supermarket for some shopping and got a bunch of flowers, a vase and a 'birthday girl' rosette (Margaret likes that sort if thing). The checkout girl spotted the flowers and said "Somebidy is lucky". I let it go but it really hurt. I managed to keep it together till I got out to my van and had my second bawling session of the day.

Today wasn't as bad. I had a banging headache this morning and cancelled the planned trip out with my friend. I didn't want to go to the grave with my daughters so left it till later in the afternoon and walked up with billy. The grave looked lovely with all the flowers and even though I got upset I felt quite close to Margaret while I was there rather than the despair I have felt on other visits.

Title: Re: Coming up to a year
Post by: Karena on March 05, 2017, 09:44:42 PM
 :hug: so a mixed bag but I,m glad you are able to go to the grave and feel closer to her rather than the feelings you used to have there.
Title: Re: Coming up to a year
Post by: Hubby on March 06, 2017, 11:10:14 PM
Thanks Karena.

I've had a few pretty good days since Saturday.

On Sunday I watched Ollie while my daughters went to church to sort out some stuff about his christening next Sunday. Then I did the usual curry for tea (I'm an expert at unscrewing a Sharwoods jar now). After they left I started clearing some stuff out in the kitchen. I found a mug I'd bought for Margaret in Blackpool with 'soulmates' on it which set me off for a bit and I've had a few little weeps but at least I'm getting small things done around the house. I should have it all sorted by 2030 at this rate.

Next weeks going to be hard. It's the one year anniversary and I am going to relive those four days that changed my life forever.
Title: Re: Coming up to a year
Post by: Karena on March 07, 2017, 08:59:28 PM
 :hug: its a difficult time.My solution was to not try and ignore it,not try and go to work and pretend it wasn't happening but to take the day off and mark it,to affirm I suppose that it was a difficult day,a day I will never forget but also for me to pretend to such a degree seemed not just difficult but almost disloyal. But that was my take on it.We are all different and must all find our own way through it whichever way we can,but having a strategy whatever that is,might be a good idea.
Title: Re: Coming up to a year
Post by: Hubby on March 08, 2017, 11:11:06 PM
Thanks for the advice Karena. I am working on a plan. I don't want to stay off work as I think staying at home would be too hard but I have knocked back a course I was meant to go on during that week and informed my boss that it might be a difficult time for me leaving the option for last minute changes to working times and keeping me away from high stress parts of the job.

I dont even know when the anniversary is. They turned the machines off on the 19th but all hope was gone days before that. I guess each day will bring it's own troubles.

I've been pretty much OK most of the time with the odd bout of intense despair and occasional angry outbursts. As if I am always on the edge of losing control one way or the other.

Counselling today was really hard. I wrote down a timeline of the day Margaret collapsed. I couldn't remember the times and initially there were huge holes where I couldn't remember what happened but gradually I added to it so I've pretty much gone through all of it for the first time since it happened. Needless to say it was very upsetting but I feel better for it. I only have one or two sessions left but I don't think there will be much more they can do when I get the first year behind me.

I hope everyone has a better day tomorrow than today
Title: Re: Coming up to a year
Post by: Karena on March 09, 2017, 09:04:53 PM
 :hug:
I agree I think there is only so far counselling can help,I think it focuses a lot on helping bring some rationality some aspects of how we think,to recognise emotions and coping strategys for when they overwhelm us,but it can't take them away or stop grief in its tracks,just try and help us cope . But I do remember feeling quite anxious that counselling was ending.Not something I expected,considering I had been reluctant to start it in the first place.But I had a feeling of being cast adrift.In the event though I knew that other people newer on the journey had more urgent need than me, and I wasn't cast adrift because I had this place.
Title: Re: Coming up to a year
Post by: Hubby on March 12, 2017, 07:29:37 PM
Thanks Karena. I think the counselling has done its job and it's down to me now.

I've had a couple of days that have been mainly OK. Work has been pretty hectic and kept me occupied. I've had a few moments when I've suddenly realised I havnt thought about Margaret for a while. Then I get to thinking I'm forgetting her, then I feel guilty, then the tears come and remind me I havnt forgotten her at all.

Today was my grandsons christening. The service went really well then came the celebration nibbles. I didn't enjoy that. I just feel awkward in family situations now. I spent a lot of time standing outside in the drizzle having a vape and a bit if s sob. Later on I walked home in the rain for some alone time which took two hours. I'd rather be alone by myself than in a room full of people.  I suppose that is just the way things are now. 
Title: Re: Coming up to a year
Post by: Karena on March 13, 2017, 08:49:45 PM
 :hug:aw hubby I think gatherings like that highlight hat you are there on your own and its all wrong,not how its supposed to be,not how we ever imagined it could be.Coping with the day to day is bad enough but this isn't day to day,thankfully usually they don't come around too often.
Title: Re: Coming up to a year
Post by: Hubby on March 14, 2017, 10:42:53 PM
Thanks Karena.

Well it's here. 12 months ago tonight I would have been on a night shift. I would have come home, climbed into bed, kissed Margaret and gone to sleep. I would be woken a couple of hours later to a complete nightmare that changed my life forever and left me broken.

Margaret 'died' on the 19th when she was taken off the ventilator but I lost her before then. Tomorrow would be the last day she spoke to me.

I'm falling apart at the moment. I saw her toothbrush in the bathroom and could picture her using it before she went to bed. I. The bedroom I could picture her getting ready for her last night in our bed.

Ivan see the next four days are going to be hard. I just hope I don't fall apart in work. 
Title: Re: Coming up to a year
Post by: Karena on March 14, 2017, 11:47:30 PM
 :hug: they will be difficult but you will get through them.
Title: Re: Coming up to a year
Post by: Norma on March 17, 2017, 07:32:09 AM
The day has past hubby, youve come through it, i know it wont have been easy, but you made it

 :hug:
Title: Re: Coming up to a year
Post by: Hubby on March 21, 2017, 08:34:41 PM
Thanks all. I did get through it but that was a difficult five days.

I was all over the place. I did have time when I was ok. Probably most of the time to be honest but the lows were so low and the memories so vivid it took me completely by surprise. At times it was like being there again and I've even remembered things that had been lost to me before now. There have been lots of triggers and tears.

Yesterday was the day after the anniversary and I was really tired. My sleeps been messed up and I practically collapsed into bed when I got in from work. I guess the dip took it out of me.

Today was fine in the main. The only upset was when I made a load of spaghetti bolognese for tea. Halfway through doing it I remembered that spag Bol was the first meal I cooked for margaret when we were going out and I was trying to impress her. One if those happy memories that ends in floods.
Title: Re: Coming up to a year
Post by: Norma on March 21, 2017, 08:49:15 PM
im not going to say well done hubby because saying well done comes across as achieving something great. And i know its been nothing like that for you, all the emotions known to man and some not even known about will have had you in knots over the past year.

See you Friday xx

 :coffeetoast:

Title: Re: Coming up to a year
Post by: Karena on March 21, 2017, 09:27:28 PM
  :hug:its often the little things like spag bol that knock us over,and exhaustion is not in the text books but grieving is exhausting both physically and mentally.
Title: Re: Coming up to a year
Post by: Hubby on March 25, 2017, 07:34:28 AM
Thanks all.

I've not been on the forum for a few days. I'm just so tired and don't seem to be able to find time to do anything.

The days have become a bit same old, same old. Work days anyway. Mainly OK but with the odd burst of intense grief which can be a bit debilitating but pass fairly quickly. Like a full days worth crammed into 20-30 minutes. I haven't really done anything if any note.

I did go out to the Liverpool meet yesterday and it was great to meet up with other BUK members, those I have met before and new ones. I will certainly be going to more. I did have a little wobble while there but a short hide in the loo and a quick swill kept it out of the public domain.

I woke at 6 this morning crying after having a dream about Margaret. Unusually for me I remembered it and I didn't like it. It revived a lot of those unanswerable questions and doubts that plagued me in the early days. Typical, I've wanted to remember a dream about her for a year and now I finally have I wish I hadn't.
Title: Re: Coming up to a year
Post by: Hubby on March 28, 2017, 06:57:37 PM
No more nasty dreams since Saturday. I'm pleased about that as it was quite horrible. The days are pretty much the same now. Mostly fairly OK with unpredictable bouts of darkness. Mothers day was a bit lower than a standard day but that's to be expected. I'd say I'm managing quite well and I'm hoping it's not just another 'calm between storms'.

It's my last counselling session tomorrow. I think that's helped but they can only do so much. I've definitely moved on quite a bit from when I started. I couldn't do anything then. I think I will miss the sessions but there's a danger of becoming dependant on them. I need to find other things to do.
Title: Re: Coming up to a year
Post by: Hubby on March 30, 2017, 11:21:05 PM
Well I had my last counselling session. I took some cake and biscuits in for them by way of a thank you. How expensive are M&S?

I wasn't well last night. Running a bit of a temperature, sneezing etc so I went to bed early. I had one of those bouts where the cold gets into your bones and started shivering. I really missed Margaret fussing over me like she always would when I was even slightly under the weather. Its going to take some getting used to nobody bringing me hot drinks and every medication available in the chemists.

I still got into work this morning and struggled through. I think that's preferable to staying in bed and letting my thoughts take over. I was so tired when I got in I fell asleep on the sofa till 9. I bet I don't sleep now.
Title: Re: Coming up to a year
Post by: Karena on April 03, 2017, 09:18:32 PM
I hope your cold is better.I know being under the weather feels twice as bad when you have to make your own lemsip and fill your own how water bottle,I think its another of those many unpleasant things we just have to get used too .
Sorry your dream wasn't what you hoped.I think often they are not I think many dreams are the brains way of processing things,perhaps refiling thoughts or emotions we have put in the wrong file or tried to shove under the carpet.I had one particular awful one which still haunts me but I think was directly related to my feelings of guilt,
Title: Re: Coming up to a year
Post by: Hubby on April 04, 2017, 11:23:05 PM
Thanks Karena. The dream I had was filled with stuff I thought I had dealt with but I guess it's still there, niggling away, in my unconscious mind.

The cold turned out to be the start of a particularly nasty bout if food poisoning courtesy of a dodgy prawn sandwich from a shop. Luckily it passed fairly quickly but it had me fairly incapacitated while it lasted.

I've not been on here for nearly a week. Days are still 90% bearable. I muddle through most things but I still get random bouts of intense sadness with little or no warning. I mowed the lawn the other day with tears streaming down my face and today I spent an hour in the corner of anASDA car park sobbing because of something I saw on a t shirt they were selling.

It was a year today since the funeral. I didn't even realise that till I got home.  :cry:
Title: Re: Coming up to a year
Post by: Karena on April 06, 2017, 12:17:15 PM
 :hug: I,m not very good at knowing what date it is a lot of the time and have a few times had a shock when i have suddenly realised later.

But a date is a false concept drawn up by organised societys -to allow them to function, I try not to set too much store by them.

I was walking on saturday and heard the first curlew of the year. It took me back to the days of sitting in the churchyard alone and crying, and hearing curlews -they have such a lonely cry which completely reflected how i was feeling.
Hearing it again on saturday took me back to that time but the date wasnt relevant.
Title: Re: Coming up to a year
Post by: Hubby on April 10, 2017, 12:12:01 AM
It's strange how things like sounds, smells and even weather can transport our thoughts back. This sunny weather has got me all over the place. If it's not sending me back to the misery of last year it's sending me back to happier times which, of course, leads to the upset of knowing those times are not going to be repeated.

I seem to have entered a phase of 'existing'. I've got absolutely no interest in anything and just cannot find any motivation at all. I make lists and plans to do stuff but it always ends up with me lying on the settee and doing nothing at all. I can't even be bothered cooking any more. Everything is chippy or microwave.

For the most part the day isn't filled with tears and upset, just a kind of emptiness. There are still tears at random intervals, very intense, but then the emptiness returns and it's back to existing.

I wish I knew what to do to start moving forward.
Title: Re: Coming up to a year
Post by: Karena on April 10, 2017, 01:55:12 PM
Sunny weather makes me happier on its own as i have SADS, but it can also bring out extra feelings of sadness especially when you see other people getting stuff in for BBQ,s going off for familly picnics etc, knowing that it wont be like that for you ever again,but it doesnt mean there cant be happy times again just different ones and finding a different one that offers any kind of meaningful life isnt easy, especially when you know that different will always be second best.Sometimes though you have to work out what second best could be, because it has to be better than worst.

 I think this period of not knowing how to go about that is normal -i remember times questioning why bother going to work to keep a roof over my head when i dont even want to be here, even questioning whether it was me that had died and was living some sort of in between life where i did nothing more than exist as a shadow of myself. but lying on the sofa and picking up the tv remote changed that even though i didnt know it at the time.
I watched a david attenborough series and realised i had spent an  hour for a few weeks being completely enthralled, and very disapointed when the series ended -so why didnt i learn more about the planet, which lead to a futurelearn course which in turn lead to doing so many of them i hardly had time to think, which was great because i didnt want to think.Eventually they pointed me in a direction to move forward.

Perhaps just lying on the couch is what you need to do now and thats fine, because perhaps you will also find something, initially to pass the time, which will point you in a direction in the same way whatever that direction is.
If you think of it as sitting at a crossroads with no road signs, the road you walked away from your old life on was forced on you, you didnt chose it and it was very rough, the roads ahead will also have  rough patches.but for now you are weary and tired out, so just sitting there is a natural reaction and one that you need right now - but eventually one day you might chose a road and take a few steps down it - perhaps its the wrong one and you end up back at the crossroads resting but then you will pick another one and start treading down that one perhaps this time the obstacles will be worth climbing over or clearing a path round so you will continue.
 If the option was have keith back and give up my future ideas and my courses and the new things i do -i would opt for that  -The reality is that option isnt going to be offered and this is my second best - which isnt always smooth or clear cut or the right road but also isnt always bad.
Title: Re: Coming up to a year
Post by: Badger55 on April 11, 2017, 05:45:00 PM
Just wanted to say that I am thinking of you Hubby and that my heart goes out to you.

 :hug:
Title: Re: Coming up to a year
Post by: Hubby on April 16, 2017, 12:27:05 AM
Thanks for he replies.

It's been six days since I last posted. I've been on nights for the first time since the night before Margaret collapsed. For some reason my head seemed to go into default mode to that time. I found myself looking up at the window to see if Margaret was waving me off when I was going into work and when I got in in the morning I was expecting her to come downstairs in her PJs, rubbing her eyes and asking me if I wanted a cuppa. When reality caught up with me I had really strong feelings of guilt. How could I have forgotten I had lost her even for a second? Of course that led to tears.  :cray:

Work was OK but it's a lot slower paced at night leaving me long periods of downtime which I don't like. I like to keep busy and not have time for thoughts to take over.

At home I've done a lot of sleeping and little else. I did manage a little hoover up and mowed the lawn but I still can't seem to get motivated to do anything. I have the best intentions but I sit down for a  starting a job and the next thing I know is it's time to cook the tea, by the time I've washed up another day has gone by without me doing anything. I don't even know what I've been doing to pass the time.

Need to work on that.
Title: Re: Coming up to a year
Post by: Karena on April 18, 2017, 06:54:59 PM
You didn't forget,its a combination of the change to nights and the times and reactions being reminiscent of the last times she was here,and perhaps wishful thinking that if you went back to those days she would be back,so you looked at the window hoping it was true..I hung up his dressing gown and put his slippers out when I moved,telling myself he was working abroad,and flipping inconsiderate that I was left to do the moving.I knew it wasn't true but sometimes I think the stories we tell ourselves are a coping mechanism and sometimes we don't even realise we are doing it.
Title: Re: Coming up to a year
Post by: Hubby on April 19, 2017, 09:19:10 PM
Your probably right there Karena. I'm back on days this week but the experience in nights has set me back a bit to the days of crying on the drive home. I'm also still lacking the motivation to do anything at home other than the bare minimum necessary to plod along. I know what I have to do, and what I would like to do, I've made lists but I just can't get started even on the smallest jobs.

As an example my front gate needs fixing, has done for over a year. It just needs s couple of holes drilling and some screws put in. I can borrow industrial drills from work that would have the job done in less than 5 minutes. In fact I've had them in my van on a few occasions. I just couldn't be bothered.

I guess there's no reason to do jobs like that anymore.
Title: Re: Coming up to a year
Post by: Karena on April 20, 2017, 08:20:18 PM
There is every reason,if you let everything build up it makes it seem so much more of a huge mountain and so it goes on.So start with the gate.Imagine if you don't fix it and it gets worse until it rots away or falls off then the dog gets onto the road or young Ollie slips out ,or because the gate looks a mess suddenly it doesn't matter that you don't cut the grass or throw the rubbish bags in there instead of the bin.I know I,m exagerating a bit but even so its not unknown for people to end up doing that. There is an extent to which I,have done it myself.
Like with the washing up,Is there any point washing one plate and a mug, no,but then before you know it,theres a pile of plates and mugs,the kitchen smells and the flys are having a party on the draining board.So even though I think it seems pointless I do now wash the one plate and mug,because its not as though whatever else I,m going to do instead is any less pointless.
Try setting a goal.Look at your list,do one thing then put a big red pen line through it,By the time you,be got three red lines and had the satisfaction of drawing a red line ( now I get why teachers love it so much).actually finishing becomes less pointless.
Title: Re: Coming up to a year
Post by: Emz2014 on April 20, 2017, 09:16:17 PM
It can be hard to get started.  Ive done that many times, (and quite often when it comes to filing/paperwork at home - I'm the queen of procrastination with that task!) one trick you can try is to say to yourself I'll go and do this for just 5 mins - perhaps it's to do just part of the job - once you get started it is often easier to continue and you may feel a sense of satisfaction that you've done it and may then feel inclined to continue with other tasks - or you will have at least have taken an item (or part of a task) off the to do list

Writing a list and crossing stuff off helps too - clearing the list provides a sense of getting stuff done which can bring an element of satisfaction.  And like Karena said, so often when we put things off they get so much harder to tackle or snowball into bigger things to fix which will take even more motivational energy

Our motivational energy isnt endless, so perhaps start small - do a few things and gradually build up.  Focus on everything being little successes - focus on what has been achieved, it all adds up to being done for a reason.   :hearts: xx
Title: Re: Coming up to a year
Post by: Hubby on April 28, 2017, 11:31:38 PM
Thanks for the replies. You may have noticed I've not been on the forum for quite a while.

I seem to be at a funny point on my journey. The grief is still there and I have my upsets every day but it's not unbearable and usually doesn't last too long. I'm coping pretty well with it. The rest of the time I just can't be bothered with anything. I'm also becoming very withdrawn. I think it's depression with this new life I find myself in. No fun, no purpose, no point to anything.

I've got to drag myself out if this rut but I don't know how to start.

Title: Re: Coming up to a year
Post by: Emz2014 on April 29, 2017, 08:12:46 AM
I had a similar period in my journey, questioning the meaning and purpose of everything, struggled massively with motivation regarding work etc, motivation to do housework etc.  I did alot of reading around that time, seeking answers.  That helped me through the period. I guess its another stage which will pass in time, we just have to be careful we dont allow it to dip into depression.

Keep trying to see friends and family, try not to isolate yourself.  Try and keep the basics going in the house etc, but dont give yourself too much of a hard time if you let some things relax a bit. (If you miss the dusting for a week because you see you family instead, thats ok)  Have a think on the things that do bring those lighter times, like your grandson, and incorporate those in as much as possible and acknowledge the things you do achieve, they are an achievement  :hearts: xx
Title: Re: Coming up to a year
Post by: Karena on April 29, 2017, 07:10:58 PM
I noticed you went here . :hug:as Emz said a difficult time,trying to make something positive out of a new life that you neither expected,asked for or like.I think its a case of collecting brief moments of happy,just simple things like a kick around with your grandson,and then build them up.Maybe plan something to do with him,give him a pot of plants and a watering can,take him to an event,etc.
I,m not incapable of having fun but at the same time i have noticed the new me is not as much fun as the old one and I suppose you could even say up tight a lot of the time. Still on the outside looking in.
Maybe its a control thing.Grief is a time when our lives spin out of control,so maybe on the road to recovery we collect up bits of control,then find it really difficult to do anything that might mean losing even a fraction of it again.
But despite moments of sadness I wouldn't say I,m unhappy most of the time either but it took a long time to get here.
Title: Re: Coming up to a year
Post by: pennyking on April 29, 2017, 08:40:30 PM
Hugs  :hug:
Title: Re: Coming up to a year
Post by: Hubby on May 03, 2017, 09:15:32 PM
Thanks again. Just had another long weekend of doing nothing. I'm getting more withdrawn. I was invited out for a drink at the weekend but didn't go choosing to stay in even though I knew I wouldn't do anything.

On Saturday I was quite down and on the way back from the shops I thought I saw Margaret down the road. It wasn't her if course just someone who looked slightly similar but the split second journey from joy to misery took its toll and just about finished me if for the day.

I'm managing great with work, home is Completely different. It's getting to the point where not doing anything makes me feel guilty and depressed leading to me not feeling even less like doing anything. A nasty downward spiral I've got to get myself out of. I just can't seem to manage it just yet.
Title: Re: Coming up to a year
Post by: Karena on May 04, 2017, 07:34:52 PM
 :hug: I also spent the three days home alone but ask yourself a question.Is the problem being at home or is the problem that you feel you shouldn't be,that somehow you are failing by not being out,which is a different thing altogether.
Title: Re: Coming up to a year
Post by: Hubby on May 12, 2017, 03:29:07 PM
Thanks Karena.

I'm not sure what the problem is. I'm just so tired and unmotivated. I know I'll be ok if I can get myself started but I just can't get my foot on the first rung.

This week has been exactly the same apart from last Sunday when I went out with my grandson and had a really good time. I've been on nights so a few extra reminders leading to tears but nothing too long lasting. Maybe this is just the way it is from here on in.
Title: Re: Coming up to a year
Post by: Emz2014 on May 12, 2017, 05:50:59 PM
Sending a hug  :hug: 
It's only another part of the journey, and this feeling too will pass.  :hearts:  perhaps factor in more time with your grandson right now - that's more what it's about, housework etc can wait a bit xx
Title: Re: Coming up to a year
Post by: Hubby on May 15, 2017, 08:21:46 PM
Thanks emz. I'm hoping this stage will pass.

I was on nights last week again so there were a few flashback moments as I've not worked many nights since losing Margaret. I did manage a couple of small jobs over the weekend but nothing I could say made any real difference. Had a good laugh with little Ollie on Sunday. He's getting cheekier every week.

Last night I had a bit of a meltdown. Very vivid memories everywhere I went in the house much stronger than I am used to. It led to problems getting to sleep and I slept through all my alarms this morning. I don't know if that's a bad thing or a good thing but at least it's something different.
Title: Re: Coming up to a year
Post by: Karena on May 16, 2017, 07:47:27 PM
 a couple of jobs is a start,but spending time with Ollie is more important than jobs,My eldest grandson is nearly 13 now. and we still have a special bond but at the moment he is mostly in a phrase wher he grunts sometimes when he lifts his head from whatever game he is playing on his phone for long enough.
,There will still be jobs that need doing when Ollie's 13 but grab the time he wants to just play while you can,they grow up so quickly.
Title: Re: Coming up to a year
Post by: Hubby on May 25, 2017, 10:18:19 PM
It was nice to meet up with you an emz at the weekend. I didn't get to talk to emz much but it's always nice up put a face to the name.

I've been pretty much OK this week. Busy in work but managing to get a bit of housework done when I get in. Of course there are still down times and tears but nothing major. I can't start any of the bigger jobs because of my arm but I am feeling more positive than I have in a while. Maybe the weekend away did me some good.
Title: Re: Coming up to a year
Post by: Emz2014 on May 25, 2017, 10:25:14 PM
Was lovely to meet you hubby, a shame we didnt get time to talk for long.  By the eve my throat was struggling from loudly talking over the music in the venues lol.  It was a lovely meet. 
I do think time away from our routine, and the supportive nature of the meets help.  :hearts:  Glad this week has been gentler to you xx
Title: Re: Coming up to a year
Post by: Karena on May 29, 2017, 06:38:36 PM
Did you consult medics on your arm,I,m glad you didn't get post meet slump anyway,I used to get that a lot with camping meets,going from all out socialising to empty house but less so now.
Title: Re: Coming up to a year
Post by: colin on May 30, 2017, 06:02:35 PM
Hi everyone,
           Not been on line for some time,just trying to cope with the loss of my Pat is so hard to bare most of the time I will never get over losing her.I like most of you have just gone through all the firsts without our soulmates,it don;t get easier,the tears of heartache and loss still keep flowing,so so lost and broken.
                                                    Respect and thanks to you all.
                                                                               Colin.
Title: Re: Coming up to a year
Post by: Karena on May 31, 2017, 08:09:31 PM
Hi Colin.the firsts are all very difficult and the missing never really goes away,but we learn to live with it,and somehow manage our lives around it. Often people find the seconds are also difficult because  society expects that somehow after a year we will be fine almost like they see it as some kind of grief sell by date,and so we expect it of ourselves and get even more despondant when we find it doesn't work like that.Its been six years for me and there is never an anniversary I don't feel that sense of loss,and never a day I don't think about him,but I have built some kind of life and there are days when I do feel, not happy in the old sense of being happy , but  content or at peace.and after the turmoil of the earlier years I can settle for that.
Title: Re: Coming up to a year
Post by: longedge on May 31, 2017, 09:26:52 PM
Karena - you're answering a question there that I keep asking myself - will it ever get easier? 18 months gone and it still hurts terribly. One of the things that upsets me is that I simply can't look at Chris' photo and if I see her in a video it tears me apart. I could always pick her voice out anywhere and if I hear it now it's like a knife going through my heart.
Title: Re: Coming up to a year
Post by: Karena on June 01, 2017, 07:42:59 PM
 :hug: :hug: :hug: for all of you.
Title: Re: Coming up to a year
Post by: Emz2014 on June 02, 2017, 10:52:05 AM
I'm going to jump into the group hug too - hugs for you all  :hug:  :hug: xx
Title: Re: Coming up to a year
Post by: Hubby on June 05, 2017, 10:53:17 PM
It certainly seems like the hurt is here to stay. I'm all over the place at the moment. After a major meltdown in work last Tuesday night I don't know how I'm going to be from one minute to the next. I've been in floods of tears, can't do anything in the morning yet later in I've felt good enough to start some of those jobs I've been ignoring.

My boss is taking it easy on me this week because of last Tuesday and my dodgy arm. I've got physio for ghatbin Wednesday morning. Next week I will be staying in Walsall all week for a course. I hope I don't have a meltdown there.
Title: Re: Coming up to a year
Post by: Rosaleen on June 07, 2017, 12:57:41 PM
Hello to everyone on the forum.
I haven't been on for a while so apologies. I broke a rib (cycling accident) several  weeks ago, so didn't make it to the May meet, which I was sorry about, I'd  been really  looking forward to it. 
Using the iPad to read or type  has been difficult cos of the injury,( who'd  have thought it,) but it IS getting better now.
The pain of the injury acted as a real distraction. I was just so self absorbed with the practicalities of trying to manage even basic things i.e. sitting  up in bed! Plus the worry that it seemed to be taking so long to start mending.
But now as the physical side improves my emotions are taking over and I feel they're  starting  to run riot. George's birthday is coming up next week. I know that's major, how could it not be?
Title: Re: Coming up to a year
Post by: Karena on June 07, 2017, 07:43:28 PM
 :hug:hubby I know you don't want to hear it but it is still early days you need to have patience with yourself,which I know is difficult.I think the meltdowns are necessary otherwise we would explode that's why you feel more able to cope afterwards,but they do become less frequent and powerful eventually.

Rosaleen,I know how painful Brocken ribs are,its difficult to imagine unless you experience it just how it can affect every move,and after any illness or injury you get hit again by the loss and the missing,because no matter how well you cope at the time,you don't want to have too,because they should be here taking care of you ,little things like boiling the kettle,or being sympathetic,even not being sympathetic but teasing joking.I found as well I was thinking how will I manage if something happens that I can't cope with myself.I fell down the stairs and don't hurt myself badly but it was there.what if I had,who would know who would find me.even if they did come looking  if the door was locked would they just assume I was away.On a practical level I changed the staircarpet and  took to carrying my phone everywhere even round the house.At an emotional level its like a lot of other things you just get used too it and hope it doesn't happen.
Title: Re: Coming up to a year
Post by: Rosaleen on June 09, 2017, 06:15:50 PM
Karena, thanks very much for what you wrote. I appreciate it.
As I said it was more the very practical issues that were so difficult in the first weeks. I had broken my ribs about 25 years ago, another cycling accident, and George had to help me when I needed to sit up in bed for for quite a sometime.  This  time I just had to manage on my own, which I did successfully after a few painful abortive efforts.
I  remember with that injury that George volunteered to do the food shopping, which he would normally NEVER EVER  do, and who should he bump into in the store but one of his sisters. She  assumed totally erroneously that he must do the shopping all the time! It made both of us laugh.
I'm pleased to now be able to recall these funny  memories.
  Sorry to hear you'd fallen down the stairs. Glad it wasn't too serious for you.  I did a free online course with  Future  Learn last year called FallingDown.  It was all about how and why we fall over/down indoors and outdoors and practical ways of avoiding them. It was very informative, I learnt a pen awful lot and made changes both in my flat and how I 'operate' outside. I'd recommend it to anybody, though not sure how often they run that particular one.
Title: Re: Coming up to a year
Post by: longedge on June 09, 2017, 06:31:16 PM
It certainly seems like the hurt is here to stay.

It's looking like that to me as well Hubby  :sad:. I stood talking to a friend on my driveway yesterday after he stopped for a chat. His wife died nearly 9 years ago and we both ended up with tears running down our cheeks. He was saying that his pain is still very raw at times.
Title: Re: Coming up to a year
Post by: Karena on June 09, 2017, 08:55:16 PM
Rosaleen its a while ago I fell down the stairs.I havnt seen that course on future learn but I did an internet of things one which focussed on how technology can be used to help " older people"  Regardless of age there were some quite good ideas out there,apparently they can now run tests of posture which can predict likelihood of falling when you're older and teach you to make corrections before you get older,but also wearable devices which recognise you have fallen,as opposed to just laid down and send an alert to someones phone.
In my case it was the dodgy stair carpet what done it.
Title: Re: Coming up to a year
Post by: longedge on June 09, 2017, 09:43:31 PM
It sounds as if falls on the stairs are common. I 'upended' half way downstairs about 9 months ago and as I landed on my right shoulder I thought I heard something click. Just lay there for a couple of minutes waggling things arpund to see if they still worked, toes, fingers, feet. hands - everything seemed OK but next day I'd got a lump the size of a small football at the top of my leg/right hip. That disappeared after about 3 weeks but the pain in my shoulder slowly got more bothersome so I've recently been for am ultrasound scan. It turns out I've got a slightly torn and inflamed ligament in my shoulder joint. I declined a steroid injection into the joint and have now added that pain to all my other little aches  :whistle:.

I'm really really careful on the stairs now. We always bolt the stable door after etc. etc. don't we.
Title: Re: Coming up to a year
Post by: Hubby on June 26, 2017, 01:23:03 AM
I haven't been on the forum in ages. I have every intention of doing it but don't seem to find the time.

My daughter has one of those wearable fall alarms that contacts a monitoring centre. They can speak to her over the base station and contact other people if there is no response. It's very good but does occasionally go off if she goes down the stairs a bit quick. I can recommend them for price if mind.

In myself I've been plodding along as usual. There are bouts of crying every day still, usually pretty intense but also short lived. I went away for a week with work and that was very hard. I just felt very alone in the hotel room especially at the times I would have been ringing home while away. I may be going back on permanent nights in work as well.

At home I'm still not doing much and I'm getting a bit anti-social. I should have gone to s good friends wedding yesterday but backed out at the last minute. My daughters went and I stayed alone in the house and went to bed early feeling sorry for myself. I really should have gone but couldn't face 'happy couples'.
Title: Re: Coming up to a year
Post by: Karena on June 26, 2017, 01:02:20 PM
 :hug:Its really difficult this social stuff.I was fed up of being on my own and went and stood watching the local festival free stuff in the village square this weekend and came back feeling even more unhappy.Sometimes being with people just re-inforces being alone which is not expected. But a wedding is a really difficult one.My youngest got re-married and i did struggle during the service, (didnt help that the eldest grandson had pre -recorded himself singing Ellie Gouldings how long will i love you as she walked down the Aisle (but granny sobbing is fairly acceptable at a wedding without people needing to know the real reason)  after that i was ok -so again more terrifying in anticipation  i asigned myself the role of child watcher so i knew i would be kept busy.
Title: Re: Coming up to a year
Post by: Hubby on June 29, 2017, 10:03:32 PM
I plod along. Occasional bursts of misery then plod along again. No fun, no laughs, no life. Then some little problem crops up and I just can't cope at all. I'm sat in the car park in work in tears again after a disagreement with one of my daughters. I can't go on like this.

Time to ring Samaritans.
Title: Re: Coming up to a year
Post by: Emz2014 on June 29, 2017, 10:15:36 PM
This stage too will pass  :hearts:  the grief journey is so confusing and frustrating. At times like this look back over your posts, you will see how far you have really come from the start of your journey. Our minds adjust so quickly to the 'now' we forget the huge progress we have made, we only register the current pain and often berate ourselves for not moving quick enough. As long as you are moving forward you're doing OK. Remember all the things you've achieved, you're doing well  :hearts: be gentle with yourself, at times like this remember baby steps xx
Title: Re: Coming up to a year
Post by: Hubby on July 09, 2017, 11:33:06 PM
Over a week since I was last on. Following the argument with my daughter I had a nightmare few days. Very dark. I've slowly picked up over the past week and have just had quite a good weekend. Not good like good used to be but good for this new lifevivevhad forced on me.

I'm still finding it hard to get motivated and 'do stuff'. I was actually doing more in he early months than I do now. Then I was doing it for distraction but now I don't need to distract myself all the time I put things off. Being back on nights doesn't help much.
Title: Re: Coming up to a year
Post by: Emz2014 on July 10, 2017, 07:27:57 AM
Sending a hug hubby  :hug: xx
Title: Re: Coming up to a year
Post by: Karena on July 10, 2017, 07:41:38 PM
Being back on nights is bound to upset sleeping patterns and therefore motivation,don't be hard on yourself over getting things done. Hope the row has settled.:hug:
Title: Re: Coming up to a year
Post by: Hubby on July 15, 2017, 01:00:55 AM
Nights hasn't been to bad but I'm back on days next week. I wish they would make their minds up.

 It's 16 months since Margaret collapsed tomorrow morning. Realising that set me off a bit so, in for a penny in for a pound, I 'treated' myself to looking in the memory box which triggered a big
Meltdown just as I expected and wanted. I feel a lot better for it now. I really do think it helps to let the emotions out.

I'm now in bed and feeling pretty close to her especially as I have sprayed a bit of the perfume she used to wear when we were first going out on my pillow. It's a scent I will always associate with her even though it used to be pretty commonplace.
Title: Re: Coming up to a year
Post by: Emz2014 on July 15, 2017, 08:17:20 AM
Is that a temporary change to days?  Which do you find you prefer hubby?

I know what you mean, like a safety release valve effect.  Sending a hug  :hug: xx
Title: Re: Coming up to a year
Post by: Karena on July 15, 2017, 05:58:50 PM
I,have done that before with music I know is going to start,what I call a sobfest,I think you're right,sometimes it is best to get it out.I even have one of his fleeces to wrap up in ,and some aftershave ,but I think that's going off a bit now.Also in the camper van there are some airfreshners,,he bulk bought that remain capped except for the occasional sniff.MOT is coming up,always a nerve racking time,I know I,m on borrowed time but I really can't imagine driving anything else or wanting too.
Title: Re: Coming up to a year
Post by: Hubby on July 28, 2017, 11:03:53 PM
Another long gap between posts. Since the last time I've been pretty good. Days have been OK but I think they are taking the Mick now. I never know what shift I'm going to be on from one week to the next, not that I know which I prefer anyway.

I've had a few low moments over the past two weeks but nothing like when I looked through the memory box. I think that did me good. This week I've actually had a few days where I've managed to do a bit of work around the house after work which is a big step forward.

Next thing for me to do is book some time off. I've only taken three days leave this year and two of them were because I had a hospital appointment. 😕
Title: Re: Coming up to a year
Post by: Emz2014 on July 29, 2017, 08:03:10 AM
Sounds like you've made some good progress  :hearts:

What are you thinking for some time off? Xx
Title: Re: Coming up to a year
Post by: Karena on July 30, 2017, 07:10:59 PM
 :hug: does work do this with everyone do you think,or maybe taking the mick out of just you,I hope not because that's really not fair,but sometimesvthere is an assumption when you don't have young kids and are on your own that you won't mind as much as the others.
Definitely take the due leave,even if you feel you can't or don't want to go anywhere on your own maybe you could plan some days out with young Ollie.