Getting "out there"

[Firebelle_uk]

Hello all, I am really sorry I haven't been the more active member I was when I lost my Dad and then Mum. But losing my husband has been like losing myself. I am terrified of the loneliness, and paralysed by the fear or trying to socialise and being "the elephant in the room".
I promised Andy I would live my life as fully as possible and try to find happiness where I can and I have been blessed with amazing friends in Wales where Image a little caravan which I retreat to.
A couple of weeks ago I forced myself to go to Bingo and everyone was really lovely and several people there were in a similar situation, but I really didn't enjoy the Bingo🙁
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I tried joining Jolly Dollies but after over a week I still haven't even had an acknowledgement on my appllcation.
Worst of all I am just not NORMAL. I thought about joining a singles group but I don't like eating in restaurants and pubs. I prefer entertaining or a picnic. I'm not bothered by alcohol preferring a cup of tea.  I have a dog,  kitten and let rate.  Above all although I really enjoy male company I really absolutely definitely doNOT want any kind of romantic liaison.
So how do I get a social life? I am not antisocial by any meàns but how do I get back out there?
If there are any meet ups in Bristol I would be interested even if it is in a pub just to make that first connection.

I am sort of coping, back at  work etc. But inside,............oh inside is soooooooo hard😢

[Emz2014]

It is hard to find / start new connections.  But keep hope, as it is possible 

I know a friend had success with South West Spice. Its not a dating group, but a group where you meet up for various different activities (you choose which you fancy) and provides opportunities to make friends and/or people to enjoy different experiences with

May also be a good idea to pop a meet up post on our facebook page, you may find that would attract more replies to arrange a meet (meet up discussions have quietened here, but are more active there due to more posts)

If you are in Bristol you could try one of the classes at the Folk House - could be a way of learning a new skill and potentially getting to know someone with similar interests

Or maybe consider some volunteering, somewhere like one of the animal sanctuaries - gives a focus and a chance to get to know other volunteers?  Xx

[Sandra61]

Hi Firebelle,

I found myself on my own after my mum passed away in 2017. My dad died in 1985, and although I have a brother, I don't see him very often as he doesn't live very close by, so, like you, finding it was not good for me to be indoors all the time and wanting to do something other than work, I looked for an activity to take up. For me, I thought I would look for a choir to join or some sort of excercise class. I couldn't find a singing group to join. I found one later on, but no longer felt so drawn to doing that, as by then, I had found a ballroom dance school to go to, which is very local to me.

I was very nervous going along on my own, especially as I am not young and not slim! However, it was an activity that my mother had always loved too, so it felt right. I have never looked back! I now go weekly and have made some lovely new friends there and really look forward to going. I have learned to dance, lost weight, feel much better in myself and it gets me out of the house. I found I didn't need a partner, as the teachers make sure they dance with everyone and other pupils ask you to dance with them too during the practice sessions. They also hold monthly social dances, which are also great fun and give me a reason to get dressed up and get me out from in front of the telly on a saturday night. Quite a few of the people there had also lost a partner and were looking for a way to build a new life on their own too, so understood how I was feeling, having also been bereaved.

My friend at work, who had also lost both his parents recently, decided to take a cookery class and found he  enjoyed that. He is also looking at taking up counselling and attends sports events. Another person I know took over an allotment as loved gardening. Whatever you choose to try, you will end up interacting with others and will hopefully find a few friends along the way. That way you do end up feeling less isolated and that you are making progress in working your way into this new, unwanted phase in your life and making something good of it.

I think it is a matter of trying any new activity you have any interest in until you find something that suits you. If you belong to a church, they often run activities too, so that might be another avenue to explore. At the end of the day, it is about getting out and rebuilding your life and finding something you can look forward to doing each week, so that you are not left indoors alone with your thoughts and so don't succomb to depression, as can so easily happen.

Good luck, Firebelle! I hope you find something you can take to. Best wishes, Sandra.

[Karena]

Hi Firebelle.
 I tried joining a couple of things locally mainly because people say you should "join" something but it didnt work out. In the first instance it was a WI group just starting up and advertising it as something different - no jam and jerusalem they said . but i found everyone knew each other so already had formed aliiences and felt very much i was being stared at and  as the meeting progressed it turned out it was going to be  jam and jerusalem and not really for me anyway.I might have persisted if the things they were going to be doing were of interest but they didnt appeal. The second was a drama group - i could never go out on a stage but thought there might be something backstage i could do - again already established group and didnt feel welcome.
I think we have to try things and learn from mistakes -until we find something we actually enjoy. so dont be disheartend by the trys you have already made.

I think some kind of class is a brilliant idea because the function is to teach something rather than just to socialise which is a concept i find hard to get my head around anyway ( i am also not Normal) - But in a class everyone in the class joined with an interest in the subject so you start with something in common and the social side develops over time.
There is nothing like that near me as i live in a remote area, although i did learn a bit about green woodworking at a workshop on a nearby estate which was fun, but i also did lots of free online courses instead and even they have a social side to them - one writing class went on to form a fb group so we are still in touch still discussing writing.
The other side to that for me was because i am not a good socialiser was i got some confidence in being able to study and learn, and at least knowing the subject then allows me to discuss something more confidently than i could before.
I started out just chosing random subjects -then did one work related and realised they were not as random as i thought there was a connection so  i am able to help a school gardens project in Africa from my pc  with marketing materials - again not socialising in the physical sense but still much better than staring at tv junk evey night and again confidence boosting

I also kept our little campervan and remained in the forum attached too it -  so so still go away for some meets and theyre people from different walks of life famillies singles young and old and  when it comes to vehicle maintanance. which was something else i had to learn,  they were great teachers - but generally campsites are very friendly places anyway so maybe that could be a starting point - surely there will be others for whom  bingo isnt the right thing so is there another activity you could share with the people there - maybe organise a walk -with picnic -or quiz night - or fund raiser for a local school - maybe the management and other residents would welcome some  sugestions for a change to bingo or a daytime use for the property - a tea dance ? or maybe a group of other residents might enjoy the odd group excusion to do something different - local theatre? slate mine?gold panning?red kite feeding?  walking?drawing ?   

We used to go to a place in Wales dolphin watching and i go back now unfortunately less often than we did, but at least a week a year  - you can volunteer with the seawatch foundation whcih again brings you into contact with others with the same interests -and you get to be in Wales and watch dolphins - whats not to like (lol) so again maybe look for something you can volunteer for but something which interests you.

It is hard but you will find a path to making life more bearable and you will take some wrong ones along the way,but eventually the right ones will appear after a few brave steps..