BEREAVEMENTUK SUPPORT FORUM
Bereavement Support Posts => Introduce Yourself To Us All => Topic started by: IanWestkingsdown on November 07, 2016, 10:34:56 PM
-
Hello everyone.I'm not sure I am sending this message to the correct place.I am not on Facebook or anything technical, so I am a virgin at this!!! My name is Lynn and I am here because my husband passed away in January and I am struggling????
-
Hello Lynn and welcome to BUK.
I know how daunting all this can be the first time landing on a forum you are not sure of. You can't break anything so feel feel to press away at buttons and tabs to see what they do and if you mess up my fab admin team will sort it out no problem.
Just keep coming back to post and reply to get the support you need to help heal your broken heart for loosing your husband.
This forum can be a lifeline Lynn and has been for over 16 years now, so I hope you soon become part of this most understanding and loving group of people you could have hoped to be in your life at this most difficult time.
-
Hello and giving you a warm HUG :hug: from Yorkshire. I hope being on here gives you as much help as we can, it certainly has helped me (lost my hubby 6 months ago). I'm not very technical either!
-
Sending a welcome hug :hug: if you get stuck atall we're here to help. You'll find its a lovely supportive bunch here xx
-
Hi Lynn. Welcome to the forum.
I am so sorry to hear about your loss. This is a difficult journey we are on but I hope you find the support you can get on these forums helps you through the bad days.
Wishing you strength
:hug:
-
Hello,thank you all for all your kind words.It is good to hear from people who know exactly what I am going through.My sons and family have been and are amazing but I know it would upset them to think that I need to talk to other people about how I am feeling.I try to bottle it up quite a bit because I know it upsets them to see me upset and they feel helpless.Sometimes I can't hold it in and they are always there for me.I don't seem to see my kids get upset,but my eldest says they do, just not in front of me,so I know we are all trying to protect one another.
-
How right you are.
It seems to be that we are programmed to hide our grief from those who are close to us to avoid upsetting them. It seems much easier to talk about our feelings with total strangers. I often wonder if there is some evolutionary advantage to this is or if it is a learned thing and other cultures can share their grief and comfort with their loved ones.
-
Well,we are English,stiff upper lip and all that,I suppose.You all probably have had it from some people,the times when you get tearful and they try to ignore it and change the subject,I presume hoping it will make it easier for you....which it doesn't ??
-
Do people not realise,I want to talk about my gorgeous husband and never forget him, even if it does upset me?I suppose they are trying to protect me too?
-
I know- all I really want to do is talk about my hubby but everyone seems to want to jolly me up and 'not upset me'. I do know that they can't possibly realise until they've been through it themselves and I'm probably guilty of doing it in the past till I lost Alan.
-
I have noticed that I bring Margaret into a lot if conversations. I'm always dropping anecdotes in. I don't go it deliberately it just happens.
-
I think it needs too hubby,I think that's the way forward .Other people don't know what to say , so say nothing which leaves a bigger gap than ever.As time goes on you can do that without getting too upset yourself then others will follow your lead,Usually other family members and friends you had as a couple are also grieving and also feel they want to talk about them someone has to start that conversation.
-
It's not so bad with friends and family members Karena but I also find myself talking about her to casual acquaintances in work or even mentioning to people I have only just met that I "lost my wife".
I really don't want to be that guy but I can't seem to help myself. :embarrassed:
-
Your not alone Hubby I tend to do it too sometimes, usually when shopping and I'm at the checkout, I'll say something like... 'I'm still getting used to doing the shopping myself' and when they look at you in response I'll add 'My wife passed away in April'.
Maybe subconsciously we're seeking a little sympathy perhaps? I've said it about 3 times over the last couple months, something I need to stop doing. Though in reality it was intended to explain why this old fool is fumbling too much as they can see I'm not that proficient at this shopping lark quite yet...lol...I don't have a lot of use in my left hand, so that doesn't help either when transferring items from the trolley onto their conveyor belt thingy so a bit slow, and often dropping things...lol
I dropped a 2ltr bottle of diet coke a couple weeks ago, which decided to explode when it hit the floor, most embarrassing...lol..but the staff were very good though.
-
I think that's part of the process too. Maybe it's our brains way of trying to 'fit' back into society after we have felt ourselves withdraw. Maybe it's a way of testing the responses and building confidence.
Sorry Brian but I had to giggle about the bottle of coke. Reminded me when I was at the supermarket with my mum years ago and she picked up a bag of frozen sausages. She didn't realise there was a hole in the bag and the sausages all shot out, skating across the floor and one skated against someone's foot. Really embarrassing at the time, but can find funny afterwards xx
-
Sorry everyone,I start talking and then I disappear for days.I find it difficult to sometimes talk to you online because my computer is in full view of all the family,so when the boys are around I stay clear of this.Sorry,it sounds like I am blocking you out but I don't want to upset them even more.Am I waffling, lol ??It's so good to hear that you all do and say things that I do too and I'm not going mad! I told the checkout woman at Sainsburys the other day that my husband had passed away in January! The poor woman.She looks so guilty because she had been moaning about her mortgage,not ranting,just saying about the price of food and stuff,you know how these conversations go and I blurted out,because I was cross at that moment, that I didn't have a mortgage because of my husbands life insurance but how that I wished I had a sky high mortgage and my husband to still be here.I felt instantly guilty because the poor woman didn't know what to say to me,she looked at me opened mouthed and said she was sorry.She was lovely and had only said something that I had said a million times in the past.I felt stupid then.The whole world isn't interested that Ian is no longer with me.Tut :embarrassed:
-
I wanted to just add that yesterday wasn't a good day.It was my son's 27th birthday yesterday.He has been having a rough time lately.I woke him up and wished him a happy birthday and he opened his eyes,looked at me while snuggled down,his eyes filled up and tears rolled down his cheeks.It was heartbreaking.What can I say.His Dads not here and I can't bring him back,I only wish I could.I hugged him and said it would get better.It's bad enough when you feel like that but when you see your kids hurting it's unbearable.
-
Oh- I really do not know how you people with kids cope at this time. I have nothing but admiration for you X I did exactly the same to my poor window cleaner and gardener and indeed anyone who talked to me! I don't know what it is but I just have this need to tell everyone I meet. The window cleaner was so taken aback he just said 'Oh no- has he been buried yet?' Which I thought was rather sweet as he is quite young and obviously didn't know WHAT to say!
-
All I ever seem to do nowadays is just agree with other peoples posts so why change - I agree so much with what everybody has said, especially Hubbys comment about always bringing the fact that your wife passed away so many months ago into every conversation.
Chris and also our parents and other family members who are now gone come into the conversation every time any of my family call to see me and everyone now feels free to bring them all up with little anecdotes or sayings such as, " who vonts a peaches" (my mum was German - she was particularly fond of Nectarines which she called peaches and thought everybody else should be as well). I think it's very important to talk about our loved ones after they've gone.
The one thing I can't do is open up emotionally to my daughters and that is because seeing them upset is like a physical pain for me. My eldest in particular is such a softy and just the thought that she might feel as bad as I do sometimes hurts terribly.
I still struggle to not be embarrassed when talking to people about Chris when my voice starts to break and I feel the tears welling in my eye. The only place I've ever felt comfortable with it was in the support group that I attended after about 3 months. There weren't many rules and from the outset it was stressed that it was perfectly OK to laugh and also to cry.
Lynn, you mentioned Sainsburys and I've had a few moments in my local store most notably when I let fly and started berating the poor lady on the check out for something very minor, then had to pull myself together and explain that I wasn't crazy, just recently bereaved. I've run away from an acquaintance of Chris in the car park when she tried to commiserate with me and one day not long after Chris died, I bumped into one of the staff from the Hospice in the middle of the shop. She said hello and burst out crying because she saw me shopping all on my own. We both stood there for several minutes crying our eyes out - what a sight!
Anyway it all goes with our situation, laugh, cry, scream, rant and rave, it passes and we gather our wits and carry on :smiley:
-
You're quite right in what you said to your son Lynn. It does get better. It's just so hard to believe it sometimes and the improvements are often so small we hardly notice them. I can manage to get through most days now and deal with whatever happens. In the first few months I couldn't even bring myself to open a letter.
Thats a good point you make about not being able to open up to your daughters George. I am rxactly the same and I get the feeling that they are the same way with me. Common sense would suggest that we would be able to open up to our family and benefit from mutual support but fear of causing further hurt prevents us from utilising that resource.
Instead we open up to strangers.
Weird isn't it?
-
I think there is an element of fitting a slot too,though.If you think about every conversation with people,every form that gets filled,every social media status,the question is there married single divorced widowed.perhaps subconsciously we,re ticking the box we don't want to but have to change too on our own terms rather than waiting for the question to be asked,or an assumption to be made by what's in our supermarket basket.But more than anything they were a massive part of our lives so its not likely they will be absent from our anecdotes.
-
Yes,it is so weird,the people who you want to open up to and cry with and reminisce are the people you least want to upset but in doing this,thats the results we get!!!
-
Hello,
I used to be on the old site which I joined in 2012. I came back at various intervals to see old familiar names, give support if I could or get some when I needed it. I don't know if anyone will remember me, my name back then was MrsTetleyteabag which I had chosen as a connection to my wonderful platonic soulmate who I had lost.
I am now feeling ready to have a lighter name, one which is more my own with a good vibration to it I hope. I really wouldn't want to lose touch although currently I'm in a calm place within.
MerryMae x
-
Welcome back, hope you like the new board, and that you find continued comfort xxx
:hug:
-
I woke up this morning and for some reason I do not know,I missed Ian more than usual,I went downstairs, made myself a cup of coffee and sobbed until I heard the boys upstairs getting ready for work and I pulled myself together. One of my twins who is 17 knew something was up when he came down after about 20 minutes though and asked me if I was ok,I mumbled that I was fine,I'd just had a little cry..... little cry, it was a hysterical sob! I was fine until I got to work and one of my work colleagues asked me if I was ok,that was it,I sobbed again! She was lovely and told me not to hold it in and it was ok to cry and tell her what was wrong.Why do these waves of uncontrollable grief hit you when you least expect it??
-
It's awful isn't it? I know the minute I get out of bed whether it's going to be a day I can scrape through or one when I just want to go back to bed.
-
I've lost track of the number of times that I've said to people in reply to being asked if I'm OK, "I'm fine until I get asked if I'm OK". I always say it with a smile and a little laugh so as not to make people feel guilty but it is in fact true. As soon as I start trying to reply to the question I feel my voice start to tremble. Fortunately the reply always meets with kindness and understanding though I find :smiley:
-
Yep I agree with you all.I want to reel off to people why I'm not ok,why I feel so devastated that if I'd only knew that when I left Ian in I.C.U that evening to go home and said I would see him tomorrow and I said I loved him and bye and he said that he loved me too,that would be the last time I saw him awake.He was put into a controlled coma that evening because his body shut down and he became distressed.He never woke again,he died 3 days later.Why didn't I stay with him longer that evening.Why didn't I talk to him until he fell asleep.How he will be devastated that he will miss any grandchildren we may have in the future.How I can't even begin to imagine how I am going to cope on my own for the next 30+ years.How I'm not sure if I am going to afford to carry on living in our family home with shared with the boys,with all these memories.People don't want to listen to this do they????
-
There are so many emotions and unanswered questions yet we know that when people ask how we are they expect a short answer like "ups and downs"," muddling along" or, preferably, "fine". They don't really want us to reel off all our feelings and woes. Sometimes we do meet someone who is genuinely concerned but they seem to be the exception rather than the rule.
Those 'little crys' (often akin to a total meltdown) keep sneaking up on me. I have got quite good at postponing them to a time when I am alone but every now and then something will set me off where I can't hide away. That throws embarrassment into the mix of emotions as people stare, point and go out of their way to keep out if my way. I used to be one of those people.
-
Yes,funnily enough I have been talking about this subject with one of my work colleagues today (one who IS great at listening and giving sympathy and advice),today I did in fact talk without tears which was good! I was saying that it has surprised me with the friends and family who you think would be able to cope best with someone else's grief and who have totally ceased with phone calls/texts to me.I'm not sure if they are totally preoccupied with their own lives or are just confused as to what to say to a grieving widow,so decide doing nothing is the best option!
-
P.S Hubby.You sound exactly like me.I will cry at a favourite song of Ian's that I hear on the radio...or even ones he hated.But the crying can be over in a minute.Other times I sob.I get upset when I don't cry and I think Ian will think I don't care because I haven't cried....and then I cry! Some times I can recall stories about him quite clearly,other times it is through tears and with a lot of snot! I never know what mood I am going to have from one hour to the next.........I wonder if I have bipolar ????
-
I've done all those things Lynn. The crying because you havnt cried is a really tough one to get your head around isn't it? It's like not being sad makes you sad. Then there's the opposite. Where crying makes you feel better! What's that all about?
Even now at eight months into the journey I still get surprised by new ways of grieving that pop up unexpectedly and sometimeddon't know how I am going to be feeling from one minute to the next.
But it does get easier to cope. I guess we get used to the uncertainty.
Wishing you strength
:hug:
-
I remeber you Merrymae. I,m glad you are feeling lighter now -welcome back. :hug:
I think there is an element of people not knowing what to say or how to react, but sometimes perhaps we expect too much of people because they are also grieving, Often couples have mutual friends but those friends feel they are not allowed too exhibit grief because they feel they are down the grief "pecking order" - so they dont even smile and say i,m fine because no-one asks them, and so they need people not involved in that relationship to talk too and we perceive this as turning away from us - which all sounds a really harsh thing for me to say -but having been in that position in the past i do know, that is how it can feel.
I have also found that those who offered the greatest support were not the ones you would expect.I think with one exception old friends did melt away,but people i knew less well stepped forward.
Also there are different forms of support, I used to make a dive for a spot behind the shed for a work cry,and one of the guys, who never actually said a word about it but always contrived to be just around outside, not interfering or offering empty words or trying to stop me crying but just being close enough and often enough for me to recognise he was concerned.(he had lost his brother quite young so perhaps understood better than the others).
-
I had been invited out tonight by a friend to a nail party,(you know those stick on patterns you stick to your nails?)I do not have long nails because I nibble them,well actually these last 10 months I am nearly down to my knuckles,but my friend had said that it didn't matter,just come out and we will have a drink and a laugh and chat,so I begrudgingly went.It was fine.I saw a friend there that I hadn't seen for a couple of years.Until that is,about an hour into the party,she said she was really sorry to hear about Ian and how had I been.I chatted the normal,good days bad days malarkey,you know the stuff and then I told her about me and the boys and how we seem to take it in turns to have down days and recalled how I had woken my son up on his birthday and he had cried,with that I started to cry too!I apologised to my friend and mumbled that I bet she loved me for dragging down her party.Some of the others who I had never met before looked at me in shock and carried on looking and chatting about nails! When do these random outbursts end,I wonder,if they ever do.
-
Glad you made it out. Its hard if we sometimes dont feel like it, but can often be good for a while. Hopefully the other girls were caring, maybe they thought by getting back to the nails would stop you feeling embarrassed. If people havent lost anyone they often dont have a clue what they should do or say either. I keep wondering whether school should include 'life skills' lessons, how to manage or recognise stress, anxiety and understanding bereavement. But then I also wonder would people understand before it happens to them?
They will become more controllable in time. I am so thankful i work from home a couple of days a week as I'd find at the beginning i would suddenly find myself crying all over my keyboard. And other times it was often when someone genuinely asked 'how are you?' that got me. I have a friend in particular who can always see beneath the mask we put on. It will get easier :hearts: xx
-
Thanks Emz, yes it was fine and a couple of them gave me a hug.Yes I agree,my sister in law (Ians sister) has been amazing but every time I speak to her I cry.I think its because she understands what I am going through.She has been there from the beginning,sorting out all my finances for me when I struggled just to get up in the mornings.She knows what I have been through and the heartaches with the boys and helped me reach decisions that Ian would have been by my side for.But I do feel guilty that I am always in tears because she has lost her little brother too.
-
P.S Emz,I don't think anybody can possibly imagine grief and heartache until it happens to them.I remember that in the early days it dawned on me that "This is why they call it heartbreak,because my heart actually feels like its splitting and its aching!"
-
Well done on going out. I know how much of a struggle it can be to get the motivation. Mostly if you can get past the reluctance things turn out OK but there will be times when the emotions catch us unawares.
:hug:
-
Thank you.I don't normally go out two nights running ,but tonight I went out for a meal (only Table Table!) with some friends,social butterfly that I am (I know how to live life in the fast lane!) and I spoke about Ian and the boys,without crying,whoo hoo!! :yahoo:
-
I went for bereavement counselling and mentioned my reluctance to accept help from other people and how I would not go out rather than be the burdensome one who might be miserable or cry and make them embarrassed,and she said imagine if the roles were reversed and you were trying to help your friend but she kept refusing your help,it would be like if you gave her a present and she refused to open it,how hurtful that would become
,I certainly think she had a point,that sometimes friends do reach out too us in any way they can find to do it,and for those friends particually who have no experience of loss themselves it must be even more difficult to know how to do that,but because we are afraid of embarrassing them we say no and yet would be hurt ourselves if it was us who wanted to help a friend and would we be embarrassed if that friend cried or resent them not being the life and soul of the party .I know I wouldn't,a party is a contrived event its the people there who make it a good event and what they offer.So what your friend said is right its not about nails,or Tupperware or whatever but about people and I would rather have people around me who were not faking in any situation.
-
Karena,yes you're right.I would be upset if they refused my help or felt they couldn't cry in front of me.I never thought of it from the my friends side.